Pray. Then Press On.

Once upon a time I went through a very difficult (for me) period in my life. I felt alone, in spite of good friends/family who offered moral support.

They'd tell me, "You're such a strong person."  I'd think, "Well, I don't feel strong," crying all night, many consecutive nights, for the better part of the year.

I often wondered, "How will get I through this?" All I had to hang on to was hope. So I prayed a ton and pressed on.

That dark period started just over 6 years ago. Since that time I endured divorce, going back to school while working and raising 3 kids on my own, and numerous sleepless nights - tossing & turning, worrying how I would pay a certain bill or how I would afford to fix problems in my little dumpy house which was always falling apart, or how I was going to make the last $5 in my checking account feed my family for the next two weeks.  I questioned if I'd ever fall in love again, if someone could love me "for who I am, even if I am never any better, prettier, thinner, or less-flawed than I am right now, at this very moment."

I wondered, "Is God hearing me?" Admittedly, I even thought (like the brother of the prodigal son), "I was the GOOD one.  Why me, Lord? Why me?"

But He was listening, and He did hear me. He allowed others to serve on my behalf.  A gallon of milk would appear on my door step. A neighbor would bring over a hot dinner for no apparent reason other than she wanted to. An envelope of $200 would arrive in my mailbox the week before Christmas. The man around the corner would bring me an "extra" holiday ham because they had "one too many." A crate of Thanksgiving dinner would show up on my front porch. My yard was magically mowed, my driveway mysteriously shoveled. A $20 bill would fall from a jacket whilst retrieved from the clothes dryer. I would get an "inspired" idea for a completely made-up recipe using the last sleeve of saltines and the last small can of tuna (loaves & fishes?) from the pantry and it was plenty to feed my family, and better yet-- they liked it.  And what were the chances I'd live across the street from the best auto mechanic around with mad skills that my older vehicle always seemed to need? How lucky was I to live among loving, Christ-like neighbors who always knew when I needed talk-therapy and tears, and maybe even some warm muffins or brownies, even if it was 2 in the morning?

For these tender mercies I was always grateful. But at the same time I hated it too. I wanted to be the giver! I wanted to be the one to serve!

Years ago I received a personal promise from the Lord, that if I lived my life paying a full tithe, I would not only have sufficient for my family, but I would "be able to share with those that are in need."  Well, I paid my tithes.  What about His part of the deal?

But apparently, my "blessing" wasn't on the instant gratification fast path.  It came to me in His own time, in His own way(s).  And in the grand scheme of things, looking back, my period of 6 dark years is in reality a small drop.  After all, my life's not over yet.

As of a year and a half ago, I am happily remarried.  My wonderful, kind, and patient husband listens, comforts, and often tells me the things I most need to hear. He is a hard worker and highly intelligent, and I've been blessed in a way that I no longer worry about finances or trying to juggle work and school. He is my biggest fan and is always encouraging me to pursue my career goals.  We are walking Christ's path together and words cannot express how much joy this brings. Since marrying him I have physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually felt my burdens lift.

By the world's standards we are not rich. But our lives are richly blessed and I am finding I am able to serve others in ways which are meaningful to me (and hopefully them).  Giving to others fills something inside of me that I cannot fully explicate, except to say it's my balm of Gilead.

Looking back and seeing the Lord's helping hand, guiding me, aiding me in the midst of my trials and seeing my own personal and spiritual progression, I have a personal testimony that I am loved and that, yes, I am strong!

There is no getting around, ducking under, or jumping over our trials.  There is only going through. And only when we emerge the victor and no longer the victim of our trials, do we begin to realize our own fortitude.

I can do hard things. So can you. I am strong. So are you. With God, everything is possible. Don't give up. Instead, pray. Then press on.

Stumps

So, last week we had a horrible wind storm.  The 70 mph winds they predicted actually came in between 80-112 mph last Thursday.   Category 2 Hurricane-like winds.  Not everyone in the valley got hit hard, but Davis County did, and especially South Davis County, where I live.

We were without power and heat, and unlike some of my neighbors who went without for 55 hours, I was only out of power from 6:30 am Thursday morning until 10:30 pm Thursday night. And while I was "lucky" that a tree didn't fall on my house (sadly, like many other neighbors), a lot of branches came down and I lost several shingles off my already needing-replaced roof.  (Now, if I could just get the landlord to call me back!)

The superintendent of the school district didn't see a particular reason to cancel school (he's a "stump").  Even though driving conditions were dangerous (flying debris, heavy winds) and that meant tons of inexperienced teenage drivers were on the road.  It also mean that students were sitting in dark, cold classrooms, with already wet hair because they couldn't blow dry it that morning. Finally, a neighboring city in South Davis declared a state of emergency and THEY made the executive decision to shut down all of their schools in that city.  Finally, the schools in my town decided to follow suite.  I heard one mother say that up at her daughter's school, the fire alarm went off and the kids had to stand outside in the freezing, harsh winds (with wet hair, mind you) for 45 minutes until a fire truck could be pulled from other tragedies (like downed power lines, overturned gas trucks on the freeway, etc.) to come and clear the school.  Finally THAT principal decided, enough was enough and he was shutting his school down.  In the meantime, the school district switchboard was lit up with steaming mad parents demanding the district close.  Nevertheless, the emergency weather line continued to play with the same message, "Today is December 1st. At this time there are no weather-related issues.  Davis School District is open and all schools are in session."  I think it must boil down to politics and money?  Who knows?  I certainly didn't understand.  The district got so many complaints, they proactively closed school for Friday, which was good, because there were still several schools without power/heat and many also had broken glass to contend with.

So -- after my kids were retrieved from their schools (after their principals decided to override the district's decision), I farmed them out to warm places and I drove up to another office to work because my clients still expected their money and their home sales to close on time.  :)    During my dangerous and extremely slow drive (took me 90 minutes to drive 15 miles) I saw down power lines, over-turned semi after over-turned semi, a twisted up trampoline flying through the air and landing in a field of cows, a mobile home sliced in half by the chain link fence it landed on, lawn chairs and trash bins rolling with ease like they were merely tumbleweeds and the trash from inside tossed all over the place.  Lights were out at nearly every intersection and I witnessed some very impatient drivers taking risks causing fender-benders all over town.

Needless to say, the kidlets stayed farmed out for the night to be sure to have something to eat and to sleep in warm beds and I found a place for myself.  I am not kidding when I say a long hot bath never felt so good.

The next three days in our town was spent cleaning up the after-math, especially because there were threats of another imminent wind storm.   I was cold and sore and tired, but soooo grateful for the help from the local scouts and their leaders who came and lent a hand Saturday afternoon.  Just as they left some more friends showed up to help me get the back tree mess manageable.

In all of the chaos, I felt gratitude and joy in how the community came together to help each other out.  Churches were canceled on Sunday and many others conducted abbreviated services so that the community could work together to clean up before the next possible storm (fear was that the lying branches and debris would damage more homes, posing more health threats).  The National Guard was deployed to help with the clean up as well and I still saw several of their trucks and soldiers around town this morning.

Sunday, a boy from church - who was also one of the local scouts that was assisting in the clean-up made a comment.  He said (paraphrasing):

We went to help [a neighbor] remove a fallen pine tree from her back yard.  But it was so big, we had to cut it down into chunks small enough to roll between the gate out to the front of the house, so it could then be hauled away.  As my leader and I were rolling one of the big stumps he said to me something I will never forget.  He said, "You can't stop rolling.  Even if you hit a rough patch or a bump, you have to roll on through.  Because once you stop, it is much harder to get it started again."  I have thought about that all night and thought how that applies in life too.  When we hit rough patches or bumps in our lives, we have to just keep on going.  Because if we stop, it will be harder to pick ourselves up again and get going.

Smart kid, huh?  Not only did his message bring tears to my eyes because such profound words from such a young man touched my heart, but because I realized that these boys are learning more than service and hard work; they are learning life lessons -- they are building character.  These boys will never forget the after math of that storm, nor will they ever forget the service they rendered and they are better for it.

Moral:  Just keep on rolling along!

Some teenagers in my neighborhood went around town during and after the storm capturing footage...

Sunday Sentiments: Our Missions

Last Sunday we had a Stake Conference in lieu of "regularly scheduled programming" at Church. We had some great speakers from the area and the choir that sang was phenomenal! Well, one of the guest speakers was a young man who had recently returned from serving a Church Mission in Mexico. I am sorry, his name has escaped me at present time... so we'll call him "John" for now.

For those who are not aware, young men of our faith are asked to serve missions for our church when they turn 19 years old. Young women also have the option of going when they are 21. Many times the missionaries are asked to serve in other countries, and suffice it to say, that almost every young man I know that has served one of these missions has left a boy, but come back a man. It's an experience that cannot compare to anything else in their life, and while many young men do opt to go, there are of course many that do not.

John stated that he had a friend and when they were both almost 19 they contemplated going on missions. The friend asked their Bishop "What would happen if I didn't go? I can still be a good member of the Church even if I do not go... so what would I miss?" And the bishop looked at him and replied, "Your Mission. You'd miss your mission."

John was impacted greatly by what the bishop told his friend, although said he did not quite understand it until he himself went to serve his mission in Mexico. He told of an experience he had while he was there.

During his senior year of high school and the year before leaving on his mission, John had taken EMT training here in Utah and was loving the things he had learned. Well, one day in Mexico, John and his missionary companion were walking the streets and they felt prompted to turn down a certain street. As they began, they were stopped by several of the townsfolk. "Do not go down there!" they cried. "There is a crazy man with a gun who has entered a local shop!" Then all of a sudden there were gunshots. Just then, John saw a police car and was able to flag them down and send them to the shop where the gun shots were heard. The missionaries figured they were supposed to be on that corner just at that specific time as the police car drove past so they could flag them down. They figured THAT's why they felt prompted to be there at that very moment. Feeling somewhat satisfied, they began to leave. However, John kept feeling the urge to turn back. All of a sudden he couldn't help but feel that maybe there was something more. Just then someone yelled to get a doctor and call an ambulance. John & his companion ran back and John offered his skills and knowledge that he had learned as a medic here in the states. John asked the victim, Carlos, if he believed in Jesus Christ. Carlos said yes. John asked Carlos if he believed that Jesus Christ could heal him. Carlos answered in the affirmative. So, not only did this missionary administer the medical skills and knowledge that he had been trained for back in the states, but he and his companion were able to pronounce a blessing of healing upon Carlos as well. Because of the length of time it took for an ambulance to get to this secluded area, John was able to save his life. As the missionaries left, John knew now that THIS was the reason they had felt prompted to be at that spot at that very moment on that very day.

Then he said something in his talk I felt was profound. He said, "I knew at that very moment, that everything in my life leading up to my mission was preparing me for my mission. And now I know that everything in my mission has prepared me for the rest of my life."

I thought about that quite a bit over the past week and while I have not done missionary work in a far away land in a third world country, I feel that I can acknowledge and apply this to my own life. It is obvious to me that while the choices I make are mine and mine alone, that there have been times I too have acted in faith or followed a prompting or inspiration from the Holy Spirit. And when I have, these are the things that have usually prepared me for something else; something bigger. And many times I have not even realized it until much later.

Looking back, I realize the events that have unfolded in my life thus far have brought me to this state, to this town, to this neighborhood, to certain jobs wherein I have made certain friends and have endured certain trials and have become stronger because of them. I feel like everything in my life up to this point has prepared me for my "mission" here on this earth. I haven't quite figured it all out yet, though I can't help but feel that things are about to take a turn, and that this "mission" is now preparing me for the rest of my life.

It's an affirmation to me that when I listen to the promptings I can follow the path that the Lord has in mind for me. And what would I miss if I do not ask in faith and if I do not follow His promptings? Well, I'd miss my "mission".

Sunday Sentiments: Trust in the Lord

I have many favorite scriptures, especially which I feel apply to various aspects of my life. However, the one scripture that has been my all-time favorite since I was a teenager is Proverbs 3: 5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."

I have recited this scripture to myself many times since first memorizing it as a 16 year-old. And it is a good reminder that the Lord has a plan for me, and that if I pursue in Faith I can realize that plan.

However, in case you didn't know, I have mild Anxiety Disorder. I used to stress and worry over things as a child and sometimes even to a point of hyperventilating. I didn't know until I was an adult that it was called Anxiety. I've learned certain triggers and can practice certain relaxation techniques when I feel an anxiety attack coming on. But in general, I still tend to have an anxious mind. I am constantly thinking what-if's and what-could-be's and suppose-this or suppose-that. Many times this anxiety keeps me up at night. Did you ever read those "Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" books as a kid? There were several possible scenarios and it would say things like, "To see what happens if Jane goes into the house, turn to page 25. Otherwise, keep reading." I loved those books, except I would have to read and reread it several times to see how ALL of the scenarios played out. It could get pretty crazy trying to keep track of them all. Well, let's just say I sort of play the same game in my mind with my real-life "adventures", and yes... it can get a little crazy up there too. ;)

In church last Sunday, we had a youth speaker and he shared a personal experience. There was a task he was asked to volunteer for, and over which he was experiencing some anxiety. He discussed it with his father who gave him some words of advice. "Take it to the Lord and He will make you equal to the task."

I love that. I wrote it down. I have thought about that time and time again through out this past week. How many times am I presented with an opportunity in which I feel inadequate? Or nervous? Or uncertain? It was a great reminder that I need to do as the Scripture says and Trust in the Lord with all my heart. In order to fully trust, of course I need to first "take it to the Lord", in prayer.

I've had some events unfold in my life very recently. On the one hand I am feeling truly happy and excited. But in the back of my mind lie the voices and fear and doubt. I am taking it to the Lord, daily, and I am learning to Trust. I am hopeful and prayerful that He will make me equal to the task.

I don't know the end from the beginning. And I am not sure how all of this will play out. But I am confident that by doing my part (prayer, act in faith, etc.) that all things will work together for my good, and whatever is supposed to happen, will.

Sunday Sentiments: Personal Revelation

Sometimes, I am just not very good at being patient. I don't mean being impatient with other people, but impatient with things in my life. For example, I wish I was already done with school, remarried, in a nice house, with a nice job... yadda, yadda, yadda. Probably the biggest thing I stress about is $$$. I wish I was in a better financial position to NOT stress over my living expenses. But, as of recent I am not receiving child support and my hours at work have been cut back, the "ends" are so far apart right now they are basically impossible to meet, how can I not be a bit concerned? I can't even rob Peter to pay Paul because Peter's got nothing! =D

Anyway, there was a potential resolution to the whole job thing. But in order to make it work I would have to shuffle around my school schedule, find someone else to take my kids to school in the mornings and pick them up afterwards too. I would have to drive a lot farther every day five days a week and I would have to make sure that dentist appointments and the like were all scheduled as far in advance as possible as this new opportunity just wouldn't be as flexible. So the question was better pay and more hassle? Or stick where I am now, but struggle financially. I cannot tell you how sick this decision made me. I mean, doing "what was best" for me & my kids just didn't seem so clear cut, y'know? Isn't providing for them in their best interest? Does it really matter if someone else takes them to and from school every day? hmmm...

Well, on my way back from class about a week ago, I was sort of having a major-minor meltdown. It happens, right? As I drove past the church I saw the cars of some of our clergymen there. I decided to go in and talk to them. Y'know, it's really hard some days not to have that special someone to come home and pour my heart out to and unwind a little. So, I stopped in to see if I could talk to someone. There was someone available, so I did just that; I poured my heart out and explained my concerns and worries.

I have to say that I do believe in personal revelation. I believe that we are each entitled to receive our own answers or inspiration to prayers. I also believe with faith that God can make a way where there is no way sometimes. But like I said... sometimes I get a little impatient.

Anyway, after I poured my heart out, I was offered a blessing in my behalf from the members of my bishopric. I gladly accepted the offer as I could sure use all of the blessings I could get. So, one of the counselors of our bishopric gave me a blessing and it was so enlightening and powerful that it has stuck with me since. I keep thinking about it, and while very personal, there are some things I do want to share.

I was reminded in this prayer that the Lord knows my heart and my situation and my needs. I was reminded that I need to exercise my trust in Him and to be PATIENT. I was blessed that my work situation would "turn to my favor" and that I just needed to wait and be PATIENT. I was reminded that there is One who already suffered for me and has already felt everything that I am going through. I was reminded to seek the Lord often in prayer and to ask for guidance. But while waiting for that guidance to be PATIENT and ACT in faith, living my life in a way so I can be ready to receive His grace and the answers that will come in time.

There was quite a bit more, though this is what I am willing and/or feel inspired to share with you. In my "sharing" with the bishopric about my circumstance, the one who blessed me was not aware that I was contemplating another job. So, to me it was poignant that he blessed me that my work situation would "turn to my favor". I knew then my answer was not to pursue this other avenue. And of course, above all, I was reminded that if I was patient and faithful everything would turn out okay.

And logically, I already knew that. I already know that eventually, things will work out. Because I am the type of person that works to make things work out. I don't sit back and wait for life to happen. I am an active part of my own success. I believe in the proverb that God helps those who help themselves.

But this experience was good for me, as it reminded me that I can and **should** ask for blessings when I so badly need them. It is part of being humble to do so. I was able to go up to the temple the next night and meditate and ponder much, and left with a feeling of peace; solidifying the answers I received the night before.

God did not put me or you on this earth to fail. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to WANT to succeed. He wants us to live a life of happiness. He wants us to know that we are loved. We know this because as Christians, we believe that He already sent someone to suffer for us.

I don't know what answers will come next. I don't know what doors will be opened, since these "windows" have slammed shut. But I do rest assured that my trials are not in vain and that I can take much from them, even if it is simply learning that I am a strong person and that I can do hard things.

I think the following nuggets from James 1 are apropos here...

3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

Personal Revelation. If you don't have some, get some. All you have to do is ask :)

When Bad Things Happen...

Sometimes when bad things happen, I let it roll off my back. Or, I might cry~~ but just a bit. But then, if it's something out of my control, I try to ignore it... push it to the back of my mind.

Sometimes that works.

But sometimes... Sometimes, that bad thing gets compounded by busyness, stress, lack of sleep or other bad things.

And then... it all comes to a head. I can tell when I am on the "verge", as I call it. I can feel it brewing and I know that I am headed for more than a little cry; a monumental cry.

And the flood gates open and the tears flow and it seems like nothing is going to go my way. That "storm" usually lasts about an hour...or two...or maybe even three.

And as with everything else, there is that one person who can make it all better. Not that they can take away the bad thing or fix what's broken. But for some reason, just talking to them or hearing their voice makes everything FEEL like it will be better.

Maybe for you that one person is the same person each time. Or maybe it's that one person that is just the right person for that particular time. Either way, it works. That voice is the voice we can find comfort in. And that is the voice that sometimes helps us see clearly, or maybe just lends a listening ear. It can be a therapist, a coworker, a family member, a friend, a lover... Whomever it is, it is the one voice we need to hear in that moment to help soothe us. And they don't even have to say anything in particular; just being with them or talking to them is enough.

I am grateful and blessed that when bad things happen I have that voice...the voice that makes everything okay.

Attitude & Hope

If I'm a believer, and I am, then I have to believe that the Lord does not give me more than I can handle; even if I do feel slightly overwhelmed and broken-hearted at the moment.

If I have faith, and I do, then I must believe that the Lord knows not only what's best for me, but also my heart, and I need to be patient and trust.

If I trust in the Lord, and I do, then I must realize that He will help those who help themselves. In other words, those who act in faith. Being patient doesn't mean doing nothing. It means acting in faith, knowing that when the time is right, the answer will come.

If I am a doer, and I am, then I must have hope. I believe we are all blessed with a heritage of hope. That those who came before us didn't go through their struggles in vain, but to build a better future for their future generations; for us.

Am I stressed? Yes. Am I a little sad? A little. But do I have hope? Yes, I do. Otherwise, what's the point, right?

I know that if I continue to work for the good, no matter how hard things seem, or even if it seems pointless at the time, one day, perhaps when I least expect it, the tides will shift as the ebb and flow of life takes place, and I will find what I am looking, working and hoping for.

Sunday Sentiments: A Child's Prayer

There is nothing more precious than when a child learns to pray. Everytime the children at church sing this song, I get choked up...



Heavenly Father, are you really there?
And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?
Some say that Heaven is far away,
but I feel it close around me as I pray.

Heavenly Father, I remember now
something Jesus told disciples long ago,
"Suffer the children to come to me."
Father in prayer I'm coming now to Thee.

Pray, He is there.
Speak, He is listening.
You are His child;
His love now surrounds you.

He hears your prayer.
He loves the children.
Of such is the Kingdom,
The Kingdom of Heaven.

by Janice Kapp Perry

If anyone is interested,you can download the free sheet music {HERE}.

Sunday Sentiments: Satan

In honor of Superbowl today, I wanna first give a little shout-out to my boyz, Peyton & Collie! Go Colts!
____________

There are really two teams; The Lord's Side and Satan's. I believe that even those who don't believe in God are playing for one of two teams, they just don't realize it :) In general, all that is good is of God.

Some of us are ready for the challenge, while others of us are still seated in the stands, spectating. Nonetheless, we are rooting for someone; either God or Satan.

When I think about the choices in my life or the temptations I may face, it helps for me to think of it in this perspective. Some choices are choices between two goods. Neither one will cost the team, and both may have a positive outcome. Other choices are choices whether or not to give in to temptation. The temptation may be blatant, and yet the temptation may simply be a temptation not to do something I should be doing. Either way, if we give in to the worldly man, we have just enabled Satan's team a little more.

When I look at our youth today, it is evident that Satan has his grasp on so many of them. Not all, but many. Just because we are adults, does not mean we can escape from the plays that Satan is running against us. This is where the Lord needs every one of us on His side. He needs us to run interference against Satan. And, unlike Football, the Lord would rather have zero spectators if that meant every one of us were on the field, fighting in the battle for good vs. evil.

One example of this I can think of recently, is our early morning Scripture study. Do I think it is important for our family to read the scriptures together? Yes. Do I think it is beneficial for us to start off each day with them? Yes. In fact, I think it is imperative. However, last summer, kids stayed up late and slept in. When school started back up for them, it also started for me. My first semester back was a big adjustment. I had stressful days and stressful nights. It was all I could do to get up and get ready for my full time job on time, let alone scripture study. Therefore, our family scriptures fell to the way side. A few times I thought about trying to do it at night. But many times, I was still in the thick of a homework assignment, or the oldest would be at play practice till late. So, it never worked out. But then, I sort of had this epiphany... more like a daydream, if you will.

I was thinking one day, what if down the road, one, or two, or heaven forbid, all of my kids fall away from the gospel? What if I had to answer to the Lord. And what if the questioning went something like this:

God: Aren't your children important to you?
Me: Of course!
God: Didn't you want them to succeed?
Me: Absolutely!
God: Did you love them enough to want them to live the gospel?
Me: Without a shadow of a doubt!
God: Are you willing to do whatever it takes, to help save them?
Me: Yes!
God: Then why didn't you act like it when you had the chance -- when they were in your stewardship?
Me: ~dumbfounded pause~

I had that big "what if" moment and truly had to ask myself, am I doing all that *I* can to help my children run interference against Satan? Am I helping them put on the whole armor of God before they leave my house each morning? I couldn't answer that with the resounding "yes" that I so desperately wanted to. I knew that no matter what this semester, as much as I did not want to fail my classes, I did not want to fail my children.

We have been getting up each morning to read our scriptures. We each take turn reading 3 verses (so LittleDuckling doesn't fall asleep) and it actually takes a lot less time than I always think it's going to.

True, many nights I am still writing essays or reading for my own homework until well past midnight. Getting to bed between 1:30 and 3 seems to be normal for me. And true, when the alarm clock sounds a extra 30 minutes early, I want to shut it off and stay in the warmth of my covers in the comfort of my bed. However, there is one sentence I tell myself every morning that makes my decision that much easier.

Satan wants you to stay in bed.

When that alarm goes off, I say to myself, "I don't wanna get up right now." And usually, my next thought is, "and neither does Satan." It is at that moment, I know that I have to get up and get my children up. They are groggy. They are cold. They are sleepy. But we read and they do not complain.

And I know that as a mom, I still have so much more to improve on. I still have so much more to learn. But I want to be able to look my maker in the eye one day and say, "Lord, I tried." I want Him to know that I just didn't sit back and spectate, but that I took the risk of fumbling a few times. And though I didn't win every game, in the grand scheme of things, and in the big SuperBowl of Saints, I fought for the right side; the Lord's side.

Only Ten Dollars

Recently I received a check from the school. It was additional funds that were above and beyond the cost of my tuition and books for the semester. I am not rich. Not even close. So this little bit of extra money was appreciated. I decided that I would use a **little** bit of it to get my kids each something for their birthdays this year, and the rest I would use towards bills.

I decided to get them all three the same thing, and that I would get the gifts now and then hide them away until their birthdays (January, March and June). So, the other day I stopped in at SuperTarget and grabbed the said items. I was sort of in a hurry. And when I know **exactly** what I want, I mean it when I say, "I'm just gonna run in, grab this and run out."

Anyway, because I am in a hurry, I pick the shortest line. 2 people in front of me. The cashier was just finished ringing up this gentleman's order and proceeded to tell him the grand total. He is having a hard time understanding her English and she cannot speak Spanish. The cashier had already loaded his bags into his cart, and they were packed full of groceries. I am not sure how many mouths he has to feed, but my guess is a lot. The cashier is explaining to the man he doesn't have enough money. He is not understanding. She is pointing to the digital display, trying to explain once again that the amount of cash he had given her was not enough.

My first thought was, "Oh great! And I thought this was the SHORT line!" But then, I glimpsed my attitude in the face of the woman in front of me. She let out not one, not two, but THREE heavy sighs, adding a major eye-roll, which she turned and displayed for the rest of us as if to say, "Can you believe this???", and topping it all off with her hands-on-hips-I-am-too-important-to-have-to-stand-here-and-witness-this move. The lady behind me jumped on that ship and added two loud heavy sighs of her own, along with a rhythmic tapping of her undoubtedly, name-brand stilettos.

I realized that my being irritated was not going to help. I also realized that my initial feeling of exasperation was just about as ridiculous as the looks on these two ladies faces. At this point, the cashier decides that since he doesn't understand English, perhaps she could speak LOUDER, cuz that might just help. As she is explaining that he is about ten dollars short, he is digging in his pockets. The thought occurs to me that he doesn't even realize he is short. I think that he thought she was asking if he had the exact change. Like, if you have two pennies, etc. He digs in his pockets and turns them out empty. She then says, again VERRRRRY LOUDLY and now EXTREMELY SLOWLY, "YOU...DON'T...HAVE...ENOUGH...MONEY!" The man shakes his head "no". Again, I do not think he even understood.

Cereal. Spaghetti noodles. Oranges. Target brand diapers. Ground beef. Bell peppers. These were the items I could see peeking from some of his grocery bags.

Tap. Tap. Tap. The woman behind me clicked her shoes a little more loudly; each tap growing with intensity. The woman in front of me begins to look like a defective bobble-head; the constant shaking of her head from side-to-side. I could practically hear the clucking of her tongue.

Ten Dollars. He was short ten dollars. I had ten dollars cash, in my wallet. It wouldn't take away from **my** budget to give him the ten dollars. After all, this was *extra* money. Could I find a use for the ten dollars? Sure I could. Like I said, I am not rich.

However, just because I have never stood in a line at the grocery store as time stood still and glared at me for not having enough cash, doesn't mean I haven't ever stressed over being able to feed my family. I stress about it. All.The.Time. In fact, over the last two years, I have spent many a countless nights stressing over how I would pay this bill or that bill, or what I could make for dinner the next three nights with the few cans left in my cupboard. I cannot tell you all of the times I have felt like I could not handle just One.More.Thing. And it has been in times like these wherein somebody will have put an envelope of money in my mailbox, or a 20 dollar bill will have turned up in my old jacket, or someone else has brought me dinner or groceries, or let me "borrow" a can of diced tomatoes, a tub of cool whip or even a bag of chocolate chips. I cannot tell you the times I have come home to find my lawn magically mowed or my leaves mysteriously raked or my weeds pulled or my sidewalks and driveway cleared of snow. I am one person. How could I possibly "pay" each of these people back? Especially the anonymous ones...

Nonetheless, this man needed help. Right Now. He didn't have time to go home and see if per chance there was a ten dollar bill in an old coat. It was my chance to pay it forward. And the other thing too, I told myself, I KNOW where this money is going. He is using it to feed and care for his family. He isn't buying drugs or alcohol with it. He isn't gambling with it.

In reality, only about two minutes had passed. And yet, everything seemed slowed; the ticking of the clock filling the space of time, and the sighing and the tapping continued, each echoing a bit more.

"I've got it," I said, my own voice almost unrecognizable to me. I don't know why, but I was shaking as I reached my hand in my purse and fumbled to release the clasp of my wallet. The cashier and the two women gasped, almost in unison. The woman behind me looked at me with shock; the woman in front of me with disgust, and the cashier with disbelief. "I've got it," I said again, reaching out and handing the ten dollar bill to the cashier. I mean it was TEN DOLLARS! And it wasn't really even *my* money, really. I mean, it was given to me, but still.

I didn't like the looks on the women's faces and I decided that I didn't want others to see that in me. Instead I wanted someone to be able to look at me and see His image in my countenance. I wanted to be able to feel good about **finally** being able to help someone. Anyone. All of a sudden, ten dollars didn't seem like so much. I mean, really, with everything I have been given, and especially through the kind acts of others, it was **only** ten dollars. How could I NOT offer?

Isn't this what I want anyway? I asked myself. When I pray, often times I tell the Lord that I will be an instrument in his hands and that if there is anyone who could benefit from any service or deed that I could do, that I might be made aware of it. How do I NOT know that this may have been my chance to be *that* instrument. What if I would have ignored the prompting to help? What blessings or other opportunities might I have missed out on?

I know that some people would call me foolish or wasteful; saying that it wasn't *my* responsibility to help this man out, that he should have planned ahead a little better, or known his circumstance a little more. They may say that I wasted that money on someone else's family, when I could have used it for my own. I mean, that's about 4 gallons of milk right there.

I was still shaking by the time I got up to pay for my own three simple items. The cashier thanked me for doing what I did. I didn't really say much. I think my head was still thinking about all of this, in terms of my relationship with God. Then the cashier went on to say, "This is not the first time this has happened. He has come through my line before, and he has come up short before. It is sooo frustrating. Usually, I have to find someone who speaks Spanish to tell him to put something back."

I sort of gave her a half-nod as I took my receipt and goods and walked out to the car. I opened the door, sat in my front seat and began to sob like a baby. Not because I regretted giving up the Ten Dollars. Not because I felt like a do-gooder, though I did feel good about helping. But I was moved because this thought hit me:

How many times in my life have I come up short? How many times have I taken my case to the Lord in spite of feeling inadequate or unworthy to receive His blessings? And God doesn't say, "Again? This isn't the first time this has happened; you've come down this road before. This is so frustrating." God doesn't call the Savior in and ask Him to explain to us why we can't have what we just might so desperately need at that moment. He doesn't scold us, telling we should have planned a little better or known our circumstance more. No. The Savior paid the price for us. We are saved by His grace, after all we can do.

I am by no means trying to say that I think I was this guy's savior. But it hit me that this man gave all he had and was in need of someone to come to his mercy. Justice meant the items would have to be paid for. But Mercy meant that someone else could step in and pay the remaining debt, after all he could do.

I cried because at that moment it solidified for me, in my heart, how much my Heavenly Father truly does love me and that because He loves me He sent His son. And not only did He do that, but he continues to bless me through "Angels among us" who step in from time to time to bring me that bag of chocolate chips or shovel my walk. And sometimes-- sometimes He lets me know He loves me by letting ME have to opportunity to pay it forward.

Truly, it was only Ten Dollars.

Things... and Stuff

I have been really up and down lately. And I'd like to tell you all about it. But it's just that it's a bit too personal, and I might just cry, and stuff. On the other hand... I feel like I need to share -- talk about it, y'know?

OMGosh -- Fine! I'll spill...

Basically it started out with this person and me, of course. And we got together and did some things and then some other stuff. Then after a while we decided not to do some things and stuff. But then it was like they said this and I said that. And then I was way irritated over this and that and more things and stuff, while at the same time loving all of the things and stuff.

So -- now I am just not sure what to do next. Y'know? And the whole reason I really don't wanna share is pretty much because most people think I just really don't know what I am doing or what I am getting myself into, or that I am a fool. And in some ways a lot of these things and stuff has proved them right. And I really don't want to have to accept that either, cuz that's sort of embarrassing, right? I mean who wants to accept that perhaps they are just a little crazy, or desperate or heaven forbid, WRONG and whatnot. Besides, I guess deep down I feel that while sometimes things and stuff can back us into a corner, or make us do other things and stuff we wouldn't normally do, I just don't wanna have any more regrets, y'know? But by the same token, sometimes there are just certain things that are so totally worth every risk. I mean - as with a lot of stuff, right?

And I know that I said I was gonna like fall off the grid for a while... but seriously? We all know that I am a bloggy-comment-whore and really, like can't stay away for like too long. Cuz mostly, you guys like totally rock and help me get through my crap and stuff while I deal with these things... and stuff... like, y'know? Totally...

Boy, I'm sure glad I'm getting all of this stuff and whatnot off my chest. I feel a little better already. I am sure whatever stuff I decide to do next about all of that other stuff will work out, and I'll be ok, eventually -- maybe even a little better, a little stronger for it. Even though the road may be a little bumpy, and things might seem a little hard to handle sometimes... I mean, I really don't know what I am going to do or what's gonna happen next. I guess most of the things and stuff are outta my hands at this point. I wish like I could see the end from the beginning sometimes, and know more about how all of this stuff is gonna play out.

Wow... you DO get me. Thanks for listening! I know I can always count on you! Mwah!

Random Thoughts...and Cake!

Sometimes things happen when least expected. Events unfold at just the right time, or perhaps even when you might think the "right time" has already passed and it might be too late. This is when I can feel the tide shifting, my emotional waves crashing down in my heart and in my world all around me. I feel like I cannot do one more thing. I feel I cannot go one more day. I feel like no one understands. And most of all, I feel like I can't keep up this charade -of "everything is just fine" - anymore. And it's when I get to this point, He sends someone to remind me. For this, I am grateful.

I am grateful to those who follow inspiration or promptings... I am grateful that the Lord DOES love me... ME! He knows me, He loves me, and He is mindful of my needs and He is mindful of my heart. He knows when I have reached a breaking point and need a break. And He knows when I feel like I just can't do this any more... or at least not on my own.

He knows whom I need and when I need them. And it never fails that I get the hug I need, or the words I am supposed to hear, and even in some cases, a mountain of trials moved that needed to be moved. It is a manifestation unto me that God will make a way where there is no way.

So... now that I have spent most of the day crying and feeling everything from frustration to sadness, to inadequacy, to comfort, and hope, and love... I have one of those "crying" headaches. You know the ones I am talking about right?

On another note... I am really in the mood for some cake. But not just any cake. No, this is a cake my Aunt Lorene makes... it has fruit cocktail in it (but it isn't "fruitcake") and brown sugar and it is super moist, and I love to eat it warm with whipped topping on the top. mmmm.... I can almost taste it!

The Push I Needed

I've known for years that "someday" I would go back to school... or at least I hoped. But then life got busy and I felt too old. I thought perhaps I missed my chance. Then after the Divorce I felt like I should look into school. And yet, at the same time, it seemed like something unattainable, out of reach. Plus, when I had looked into it before, too many years had passed and the local universities wouldn't accept my credits from the first go-round. That meant I would have to start completely over.

Then one of my sisters went back to school. I was jealous and bitter so happy for her. Then another one started taking a few classes. I felt left out excited for her and begrudged congratulated her! But then-- when the third one started taking a class, it was the straw that broke the camel's back I knew it was something I had to do too!

I spent nearly all of 2008 talking about "going back to school". I wondered if I could manage the homework while being a single mom. I worried about the expenses. I feared how long it would take, especially if I would have to go part-time. My friends said it was a good idea. Big-D encouraged me and told me I wasn't too old at all. My mom reminded me that she was older than dirt forty years old when she graduated from college.

I thought about that and I realized that my mother has been doing a job she enjoys and which she is good at for 15+ years. I reminded myself that I will be older than dirt forty in about 5 years and did I really want to be doing the job I am doing *now* for 15 more? Oh HELL-O No!

Nevertheless, I still only "thought" about going back to school. I wasn't sure where to even begin. Fast forward to May. If you remember, this is about the time I started talking to Eric, from back home. I was telling him about the idea of me going back to school. He said, "That sounds great! Where would you go?" I replied, "Probably just the community college. I think they might take most of my former credits." I added, "I would just finish my associates and then transfer to get my degree somewhere else." He then asked, "How much longer do you have to go?" I hesitated, "I am not really sure. Since I'd be going part time, my guess would be about four more years." Then he said, "Well, that doesn't sound too bad!" I sort of shrugged it off. "Yeah, I guess. I don't know... I haven't even applied yet." Then came the pivotal question, "Well what's stopping you??"

Just.Like.That.

It was as if time stood still for just a moment as those words reverberated in my head. What WAS stopping me? That single question set in motion the unraveling thread leading me down this path.

That question was a slap to reality a provocation, staring me in the face...taunting me. It was a question I couldn't ignore. What was stopping me? That's It! No more excuses. I have always been able to accomplish pretty much anything I have set out to accomplish. So, what was stopping me now? I had to call a spade a spade...And this Ace of Spades, my friends, was called FEAR.

As a person of Faith, I know that Fear and the Holy Spirit cannot dwell in the same place. I knew then that I needed to fear not; that I needed to take Fear head-on and replace it with Faith.

I CAN do Hard things... my mother even told me so :)

That very night I looked online and tried to figure things out. So much to do. So little time, and I would probably be too late anyway. Oh well, I thought. I will just "look and see" for next year. Wait! What's this? There is still time to apply for financial aid? The Community College is still accepting applications for Fall 2009? Couldn't be! But it was...

Well, I thought. I guess I could apply and all. I mean, I am sure that there isn't any money left, and I probably won't get in anyway. WRONG!

Apparently EVERYONE gets in to community college... who knew? ;)

And apparently there WAS money left. In fact with my piss-poor impoverished small income, I qualified for enough money that I would be able to go this year solely on grants... No Loans!!!

The rest seemed like a whirl-wind. Placement Testing. Applications. Transcripts Transfer Request. Enrolling in Classes. Getting Books...

I can't believe that here I am six months later, with my "thought" turned into "action". I love that everyone was so encouraging and supportive. I love that Eric gave me the kick in the pants push that I needed.

I sat through a training seminar for a few years back. I remember the speaker saying, "Power comes from telling the truth." She was right. I had to answer that question truthfully. I had to face my fears and "cowboy up", so to speak. And once again, thankfully, my faith prevailed. Not to say that fear and doubt still don't find a way to sneak in sometimes... but hey - I've got straight A's, so I must be doing something right! :)

Charity Begins at Home

I've always been one that believes charity begins at home. Each year, I try to participate in at least one charitable event. I have made baby quilts for the children's hospital. I've worked on Habitat Homes. I walked in the JDRF walk and the Race for the Cure and Relay for Life. I've decorated trees for various Christmas auctions that go to benefit the children's hospital or the domestic violence shelter. And there have been many Christmases in which my children and I have selected a family from an "Angel Tree" and anonymously provided Christmas for them. I do believe that Charity begins at home. I just never wanted to be the one to receive the charity in my home.

Being a single mom of 3 and working in an industry that has hit rock-bottom, saying things have been "tight" this past year is an under-statement. I've had to learn to accept the "C" word; Charity. I wanna be the giver - not the receiver. I hate the feeling of not being able to give my kids the things they would love for Christmas. It's a feeling of failure; of inadequacy. That's the only way I can think of how to explain it.

Then October came. I knew that the day after Halloween the stores would get all of their holiday decor out for Christmas. I was not in the mood. I told my friends that I have felt like just crawling into bed, pulling the covers up over my head and not coming out until January. "Can't we just skip Christmas this year?" I asked myself. "No. Can't skip. I have 3 kids who love Christmas, who want Christmas, who need Christmas; and this year more than ever before," I chastised.

I stressed about it. I have ALWAYS had ALL of my Holiday Shopping done BEFORE THANKSGIVING! And this year I hadn't even started.

I sat my kids down one Sunday and told them that we would be having a very small Christmas this year. And that they would still get a few things from their grandparents and from some of their cousins, and then perhaps one or two things from me. PrettyPrettyPrincess asked if they would still get their traditional New Pjs, New Socks, and New Ornament this year like they do every Christmas Eve. I honestly had to tell her, "I don't know yet. We'll have to wait and see."

Then last month someone approached me and asked if she could help make sure my family had a good Christmas. I didn't want to say yes. It was embarrassing. But I knew it would be the only way for my kids to have Christmas. I accepted her offer. She collected a list of the things my kids desired. I was hopeful that they could each get a few things from the list.

Then I got the call the other night to come and pick up the gifts. They would let me wrap them myself, so my kids wouldn't know they came from someone else, and also so I would get to see what they would be getting ahead of time. And even though I was grateful, being able to wrap them myself just felt more like a consolation prize. I wanted to shop for my own children. I wanted to be the one to give them Christmas. This was a lot harder for me to handle than I initially thought it would be. I figured there would be a few shopping bags to pick up. Boy was I wrong. More like 4 big boxes - full of gifts. Additionally, there were bulk household items that we go through like crazy (toilet paper, toothpaste, etc) and two gift cards waiting for me "in case anything else was needed for the holidays". I was resorted to tears.

I knew I had to wrap everything that night. There was no place big enough to hide it all. So I stayed up till 3 am wrapping and writing names on tags and finding a place for each gift under the tree. By the end, I was excited for my children. They would not have the meager simple Christmas I had promised; but a Christmas far beyond their expectations. I cried again.

I had also received a few other gift cards from other wonderful families over the last month. I used those to pick out the new pj's, the new ornaments, candy for the stockings, their mini cereal boxes and juice boxes for their stocking (for their "personalized" Christmas Breakfast) and a few items that I thought they would enjoy. I even had enough to get PrettyPrettyPrincess her stuff her for her upcoming January Birthday.

I have felt renewed. I no longer feel sorry for myself. True, I still feel a bit inadequate. But more so I feel the Christmas Spirit; I feel loved.

The Bible says that Charity is the pure love of Christ. Christians talk all the time about trying to live Christ-Centered lives. This is HOW; To live a life full of love and Charity. This is probably the number one way to become most like Christ; to have charity - the pure love of Christ, and then to pass it on to others.

As I write this post, through little hiccups and lots of tears, I have thought about all of the Christmas love my family has received thus far. From the warm wishes, to fun cards and letters, to the "elves" that are bringing us 12 days of Christmas Joy, to the wonderful family in my community who is making Christmas morning possible for me and my children. All of it.

I know 2 things to be true from this experience:

1) Charity - the pure love of Christ - IS the gift that keeps on giving. My children and I are sure to never forget this Christmas.
2) Being on the receiving end has humbled me and has helped me find out what I am made of and who I am and that I can do Hard things. I can't wait for the day when I can pay it forward., and become a "giver" once again.

I am truly grateful to the Lord for kind and loving people who have crossed my path and who are in my life. This truly is a blessed Christmas.

These pics do not do the amount of gifts we received justice. The tree is packed underneath and all the way around.

What I Know

He knew I needed parents that were strong and firm in the faith.
He knew I needed lots of siblings so I could help out and feel needed (bossy).
He knew I needed many friends and that I would accept them for their differences.
He knew I needed to learn the piano so I could "work through" my thoughts and "work out" my energy.
He knew I needed teachers who were patient and kind and patient and, oh yeah, patient.
He knew I needed "listeners" because He knew I would LOVE to talk.
He knew I needed mentors who would give me additional guidance, praise and encouragement.
He knew I needed a song in my heart and voice with which to sing it.
He knew I needed to perform on stage.
He knew I had a desire to write and therefore gave me the words.
He knew I needed my dog and therefore let my mom see the "Free Dog" sign.
He knew I needed to live near my Grandma so I could watch her quietly "teach" patience and kindness and love.
He knew I needed parents who were clever and witty and funny and tolerant.
He knew I needed to go away to school across the country and an ocean; so I would gain a longing for home.
He knew which roommates I needed and what I could learn from them.
He knew I needed to learn from my own mistakes, no matter how big or how devastating.
He knew I needed brilliant children, so that my trials would not interfere with their learning or succeeding in school.

He knows that I need help from kind neighbors, family and friends.
He knows that I can do hard things, even when I forget.
He knows that I need to serve in the gospel, and what I can learn and what I can share.
He knows that I have heartache.
He knows that I cannot sleep, and that I am exhausted.
He knows that there I days when I feel empty and have nothing left to give.
He knows that I have fears and it is the fear of the unknown that scares me the most.
He knows that I need healing, and He knows that in time I will heal.
He knows that I am not perfect, and loves me even when I fall.
He knows that one day my kids will be okay, even when I am not so sure.
He knows that I am lovable, no matter what I struggle to believe.
He knows that I need love.
He knows that I will get through my trials, even when I don't know where to begin.

I know that my friends and family love me.
I know that I have talents that He has given me.
I know that it is through my trials I have come to know myself.
I know that it is through my trials I have become a stronger person.
I know that I CAN do Hard Things!
I know that I am worth it!
I know that I do not have to do it by myself.
I know that I cannot do it by myself.
I know that one day I will be able to sleep.
I know that one day I will feel love and be loved again.
I know that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me.
I know that He wants me to be happy and that He wants me to succeed.
I know that He did not put me on this earth to fail, and therefore, I cannot - choose not - to fail Him.

It is these tender mercies, this knowledge that I am truly a daughter of God, that gets me through each hour, each day, and each pain and each trial. He knows those pains and those trials. He knows my heart. He knows what I need. He knows who I am and yes, He knows me by name.

I know that if I put my trust and my faith in him that I will one day be the person he already knows me to be.