Lots Going On...

Where do I even begin?

Well, first let me say this: I will never, ever, EVER, EVER take 5 classes again during a semester while I am also working 40 hours a week. Ever. My life has been way too crazy this semester. Even last semester when I had 4 classes, it was too crazy. I vow to only take 3 or less from now on, even if that means my kids all finish college before I do. Ha. But seriously. I am making myself sick and it isn't worth the stress.

Moving on...

There was some car trading going on between siblings and my parents, etc., and I was able to "trade in" my van for a newer vehicle with much better gas mileage. It's an '09 Altima, which I already love. I had an Altima before and hands down, it was the best car I ever had. So, I am looking forward to driving this. Which brings me to the next item.

I wanted the better gas mileage because my daily routine has been changing quite a bit lately. I used to live, work and drive kids to school all within a 5 mile radius of each other. It was nice. Having a mid-sized van with a super-sized gas tank was never much of an issue because I rarely ever went anywhere. Even when I started driving to school twice a week, it wasn't that bad -- 11 miles each way. But this semester (with my crazy schedule) I've been driving to campus 5 times a week. Additionally, there is a huge construction project downtown ("Citycreek") and I have been asked to help the team that has that account. So, I've been busy-busy-busy and driving all over Salt Lake for that the past few weeks. It's been a lot of fun, though. I've been able to meet a lot of new people and I am part of something great, which makes me feel, well, GREAT! But -- the gas was killing me -- and my budget. So, again, the newer car will be fantabulous!

Only 3 1/2 more weeks until the semester is over. I still have a total of 3 more exams, 1 group project and 4 stories to crank out until then. And THEN a little, teensy, weensy break before summer term starts.

Speaking of summer -- can I just tell you how EXCITED I am for it!?!?!? I have lots of fun things planned with trips and reunions!

But in the meantime, if I talk and don't make any sense, or cry over "nothing" at the drop of a hat, just know that it's not you; it's me. Haha. At least for a few more weeks. I can do this, right?

Well, even if I can't, I am going to. And I'll do my best and laugh at myself along the way if needed!

I am Emma, hear me "roar"... tee hee.

When Bad Things Happen...

Sometimes when bad things happen, I let it roll off my back. Or, I might cry~~ but just a bit. But then, if it's something out of my control, I try to ignore it... push it to the back of my mind.

Sometimes that works.

But sometimes... Sometimes, that bad thing gets compounded by busyness, stress, lack of sleep or other bad things.

And then... it all comes to a head. I can tell when I am on the "verge", as I call it. I can feel it brewing and I know that I am headed for more than a little cry; a monumental cry.

And the flood gates open and the tears flow and it seems like nothing is going to go my way. That "storm" usually lasts about an hour...or two...or maybe even three.

And as with everything else, there is that one person who can make it all better. Not that they can take away the bad thing or fix what's broken. But for some reason, just talking to them or hearing their voice makes everything FEEL like it will be better.

Maybe for you that one person is the same person each time. Or maybe it's that one person that is just the right person for that particular time. Either way, it works. That voice is the voice we can find comfort in. And that is the voice that sometimes helps us see clearly, or maybe just lends a listening ear. It can be a therapist, a coworker, a family member, a friend, a lover... Whomever it is, it is the one voice we need to hear in that moment to help soothe us. And they don't even have to say anything in particular; just being with them or talking to them is enough.

I am grateful and blessed that when bad things happen I have that voice...the voice that makes everything okay.

Attitude & Hope

If I'm a believer, and I am, then I have to believe that the Lord does not give me more than I can handle; even if I do feel slightly overwhelmed and broken-hearted at the moment.

If I have faith, and I do, then I must believe that the Lord knows not only what's best for me, but also my heart, and I need to be patient and trust.

If I trust in the Lord, and I do, then I must realize that He will help those who help themselves. In other words, those who act in faith. Being patient doesn't mean doing nothing. It means acting in faith, knowing that when the time is right, the answer will come.

If I am a doer, and I am, then I must have hope. I believe we are all blessed with a heritage of hope. That those who came before us didn't go through their struggles in vain, but to build a better future for their future generations; for us.

Am I stressed? Yes. Am I a little sad? A little. But do I have hope? Yes, I do. Otherwise, what's the point, right?

I know that if I continue to work for the good, no matter how hard things seem, or even if it seems pointless at the time, one day, perhaps when I least expect it, the tides will shift as the ebb and flow of life takes place, and I will find what I am looking, working and hoping for.

Things... and Stuff

I have been really up and down lately. And I'd like to tell you all about it. But it's just that it's a bit too personal, and I might just cry, and stuff. On the other hand... I feel like I need to share -- talk about it, y'know?

OMGosh -- Fine! I'll spill...

Basically it started out with this person and me, of course. And we got together and did some things and then some other stuff. Then after a while we decided not to do some things and stuff. But then it was like they said this and I said that. And then I was way irritated over this and that and more things and stuff, while at the same time loving all of the things and stuff.

So -- now I am just not sure what to do next. Y'know? And the whole reason I really don't wanna share is pretty much because most people think I just really don't know what I am doing or what I am getting myself into, or that I am a fool. And in some ways a lot of these things and stuff has proved them right. And I really don't want to have to accept that either, cuz that's sort of embarrassing, right? I mean who wants to accept that perhaps they are just a little crazy, or desperate or heaven forbid, WRONG and whatnot. Besides, I guess deep down I feel that while sometimes things and stuff can back us into a corner, or make us do other things and stuff we wouldn't normally do, I just don't wanna have any more regrets, y'know? But by the same token, sometimes there are just certain things that are so totally worth every risk. I mean - as with a lot of stuff, right?

And I know that I said I was gonna like fall off the grid for a while... but seriously? We all know that I am a bloggy-comment-whore and really, like can't stay away for like too long. Cuz mostly, you guys like totally rock and help me get through my crap and stuff while I deal with these things... and stuff... like, y'know? Totally...

Boy, I'm sure glad I'm getting all of this stuff and whatnot off my chest. I feel a little better already. I am sure whatever stuff I decide to do next about all of that other stuff will work out, and I'll be ok, eventually -- maybe even a little better, a little stronger for it. Even though the road may be a little bumpy, and things might seem a little hard to handle sometimes... I mean, I really don't know what I am going to do or what's gonna happen next. I guess most of the things and stuff are outta my hands at this point. I wish like I could see the end from the beginning sometimes, and know more about how all of this stuff is gonna play out.

Wow... you DO get me. Thanks for listening! I know I can always count on you! Mwah!

I Was A Cry Baby

Normally, I don't let things get to me - with regards to what other people say or do. When I am stressed, depressed or anxious about something, it is usually over something *I* have to get done, or something that I can't get done. Deadlines, school, pressure, work, money, kids... those are the things I usually fret over. If someone looks at me the wrong way, or says stuff behind my back, I usually am like, "whatever". And then, I sort of "weed" that person out of my life. If they want to be like that, then I just don't need to be around them, right? Right.

However, when I am uber-stressed, uber-tired, and feeling overwhelmed I get emotional fairly easy. But again, this usually occurs over matters such as deadlines, school, pressure, work, money, kids, etc. I guess because I am sarcastic much of the time, only those who know me well, see this emotional side to me.

Fact: Sarcastic People Have Feelings Too.

That being said, last week, someone said something to me, in front of a group of people, which I found very hurtful and I cried; like a big fat baby. I mean, seriously -- this was no little tear. I cried and couldn't stop. And then I cried at least three more times. My appetite was ruined. I even left the event early, and called Big-D and cried again while re-telling it.

Let me just say that I HATE that I cried. This usually isn't me.

Case in point. About a year and a half ago, some people, who were supposed to be my friends, were caught up in some gossipping -- about ME! I was oblivious to the entire ordeal. Well, guilt had got the best of two of them, and they came forward and confessed to me what they had done. I didn't cry. Honestly, I hardly felt hurt at all. I thanked them for having the courage to come forward. The one even asked me a few days later if I was ok. I said, "yep". She replied, "but you don't seem upset or angry. I mean you haven't cried or anything." I said, "Nope. For some reason, I am not upset or angry. I think that it is easy to get caught up in something like that, and I respect you more for having the courage to tell me." And honestly, with all truthfulness, I can say that this instance didn't bother me at all. I am still friends with the women as well.

NORMALLY, I am like - if they wanna talk about me, whatever. If they don't like me, who cares? If they don't want to be my friend, so be it. If they think my parenting skills are a little out there, I already know. If they think I'm a little too sarcastic and slightly "dirty-minded", oh well. I just really don't let it bother me.

So, back to this incident. Why did I cry??? Why did it bother me SOOOO much? True, I was tired. True, it was during the week of finals and I was already stressed. True, it was a personal attack. True, it was about something I had worked hard on and felt like was a success. True, it was in front of other people, and True, it caught me off guard. Others whom overheard agreed that it wasn't very nice.

But what bothered me more than her being mean was the fact that it bothered me at all. I really HATE that I cried over it, that I allowed myself to give away my "power" or "control", so to speak.

Now that I have had some time to think a little about it, I guess the "trigger for tears" was that it was something mean said to my face, and it has been a while since that has happened. I mean, I get that not everyone will like me or things that I do or say. But if you wanna say mean things, I'd rather you do it behind my back, hehehe. What's that saying? Ignorance is bliss?

What about you? Do you get offended easily? or do you let things roll off your shoulders pretty easily?

The Menaissance

Ok... recently I made mention of The Menaissance. Then someone said something about "googling" the definition of that. So, I did. Let me warn you: Don't! In fact, the cleanest definition I found was "the re-emergence of...an old-fashioned man's man."

Well, seeing as I did NOT consult "google" first, I shall explain what *I* mean when I say Menaissance. First of all, in order to understand The Menaissance, one must understand The Renaissance.

The Renaissance was a cultural movement in Europe in the 14th-17th centuries which invoked quite a bit of intellectual thinking. The Renaissance style became one of showing nature and depicting the feelings of people. It is about in-depth thinking and digging to find the core emotion and then being able to feel and display that emotion completely. I love "Renaissance Thinking." I love feeling emotions "completely".

Ok... are y'all still with me? Good. This is where it starts to take a little turn. (If you need a mid-blog snack, now would be the perfect time to grab one.) Ok, the entire concept of The Menaissance started with one of my favorite TV shows...yes, I said TV show. This one to be perfectly honest...

Men In Trees is about the main character, Marin, who is an author & relationship coach working & living in NY but finding herself suddenly in small town Elmo, Alaska after discovering horrible things about her fiance. Her heartache left her feeling uncertain, damaged, out of control, vulnerable, etc. In Alaska, Marin is out of place. She is quirky and funny and smart and intelligent and sexy and somewhat of a clutz, and she soon finds herself hosting her own radio talk show. (See why I just love her???)

While she is there she realizes that men out number the women in Alaska. And she falls in love with HIM...the Ooh-la-la-i-need-a-drool-patch-cuz-his-masculinity-just-oozes-out-of-every-pore-so-hot-and-makes-rugged-look-oh-so-sexy-Jack. I mean, who wouldn't want Jack, right? Anyway, after experiencing heartache and betrayal and then moving on to a place that seemed so away from the rest of the world, Marin rediscovers the pure joys in life and more importantly in love. She writes an article for the New Yorker describing the "real men" of Alaska and how Jack is the first "real man" she fell in love with. She describes her experience as sort of a Menaissance.

I don't know if this is really making sense to anyone else, but this show really resonated with me, and I just loved it. Anyway, back to the Menaissance... MY Menaissance.

I am going home in 8 days... 8 DAYS! (but who's counting?). I have felt a bit overwhelmed and distracted recently and "stuck". I felt like I needed to take a weekend to just relax and enjoy myself. No strict agendas, no kids to worry about and no one else's expectations.

Of course, if I had any money, I'd probably take a solo trip up to Jackson Hole and get massages all weekend and order room service for all my meals. Not an option. I have no money, but I DO have miles. And there is nothing like real good friends & loved ones to make you feel loved and wanted.

Some of them might even have a big empty house and offer to drive you places, hehehe! Seriously though, I have loved reconnecting with old friends on FB... I am looking forward to seeing them again. Now, don't go thinking that all of my "friends" are men and that is why it is a Menaissance. I have my sister and of course a few other good friends I plan on seeing too.

It's just that after the dissolution of the legal duties and responsibilities and the final termination of holy matrimony between me and another said person, I, like Marin was left feeling uncertain, damaged, out of control, vulnerable, out of place, etc. It has been 21 months and I feel, also like Marin, that I have had some self-discovery lately... real growing moments. I have learned or Re-learned that I am quirky (which is ok) and funny and smart and intelligent and sometimes maybe even sexy, though somewhat of a clutz. And though I don't host my own radio talk show, I do have my own blog, and it IS sort of like a "talk show" if you count the voice I hear talking in my head as I write, hahaha!

Anyway, I have some male friends, and yes, I plan on seeing them and spending time with a few of them while I am home. I am not going to get all crazy and say I am going home to hunt for the future Mr. Right... I mean, I might be Crazy, but not THAT crazy! I suppose I am more or less "exploring" what opening my heart feels like. I am going to experience what I can when I can to the fullest. I plan to have uber-stimulating conversation, side-splitting laughter, and if you know me, it's safe to say there will probably be a little flirting. It is just who I am... Not that I will resort to playing "catch him & kiss him" like I did with Joshua Quarandillo in Kindergarten, but...

In the most simplest terms I can think of, I plan to allow my heart to move forward, and experience things with an openness. I plan to relax and to have fun and to entertain the idea that perhaps I am ready to move on.

Perhaps this weekend, the weekend of The Menaissance, will be like the kick-off on my journey to the depths of my heart and back again. I hope to come back refreshed, renewed, and ...Renaissanced!

Moments that Make My Heart Melt

Sometimes the littlest things will excite me. Seriously. It's like emotion leaps from within and takes my breath away and I have an "ah-ha!" moment.

A moment wherein my heart is in my throat and my head is in my chest. My breathing becomes rapid, even if only for a minute, and the world, though spinning furiously in space about me, seems to come to a pause, and the noise in my head is muted from all other noises. And I am just there, in the moment, even if only for a moment.

I feel "melty"...I am in awe...I have to remind myself...to breathe...


Moments when...


I am taking my nightly run and see the sun setting on the valley below. The purple and blue hues are magnificent... breathe...


I see a family of deer. And I see a lot where I run... still... everytime, it gets me... breathe...


I am holding a sleeping baby.... breathe...


I am on the trails, and I look up, and suddenly realize, I am in the MOUNTAINS... there is a freakin Mountain like Right.There. ... breathe...

I see an elderly couple holding hands...... breathe...

I am told I am loved... breathe...

I hear certain songs that take me back to another "melty" moment.... breathe...

I listen to my children play together or compliment each other from the next room. ... breathe...

I bite into food that I have already imagined would taste so good, and yet nothing I imagined could even ever compare to how savory and delicious and scrumptious it is.... breathe...

The wind blows, and the trees sway and it's like the flowers are speaking to me.... breathe...

I see a piece of art and it draws me in... like, "how did you know that is what I was feeling today?"... breathe...

At night, I look up at the stars, and have to do a double-take because I forget how magnificent they are. ... breathe...

The waves crash against the shore.... breathe...

One of my children struggles, and cries. It's like my heart stops, and I want to stop their pain or their fear or their frustration. Their meekness and tenderness remind me just how fragile they can be and that gives me reason to ponder...melts my heart... and I usually end up crying too.... breathe...

A photograph of someone from my past; a look into their eyes, even though the look is from long ago, the feeling is now...real... and I want to create the moment all over again.... breathe...

He touches his palm to my cheek... it's so tender, so kind, so loving, and so... intimate.... BREATHE...

The moment right before a gentle kiss...even if I know the kiss is coming...
BREATHE, Emma...BREATHE...


These are some of the things that get me excited or make me feel melty... What about you?

The Lists

In case you haven't noticed or been paying close attention, I DO.NOT.SLEEP.

I am a clinically diagnosed insomniac. It's true. Someone once asked what an insomniac "does" instead of sleep. I answered, "BLOG!" hahaha!

Here is how it works for me. If I try to lay down before 11pm, I will toss and turn until 2am, feeling like I have just wasted so much time. I no longer try to go to bed before 11pm. It's pointless. I rarely even try to go to be before midnight. My goal: Go to sleep sometime between 12am-2am. On the nights I succeed, I will ALWAYS wake up at 3am, again at 330am, again at 4am, 4:30am... well, you get the idea. However, most nights, I fall asleep between 2am and 4am and THEN wake up only every hour until about 6:30am.

The question then begs, "What keeps me up at night?" Well, truthfully, what DOESN'T???

Love. Thoughts. Ideas. Love. Money. School. Love. Children. Health. Church. Love. Ideas. Thoughts. Love. More Thoughts. More Ideas. Love. Love. Love. ...you get the idea...

So, what do I do about all of these thoughts and ideas? I make lists. No, I do not keep a pencil and notepad by my bed. However, I *DO* keep my blackberry phone AND my laptop by my bed. Mostly, I make lists in my phone's memo-pad or add to the already-growing lists. On really bad nights, I will actually get up, turn on the laptop and blog away. I've also been known to drum up some fliers for the church activity or an invite to a child's party, etc.

Oh! You wanna know my lists? Well, ok... but I *WARN* you, they are RANDOM... (i know, big surprise)...

Without further adieu... my lists:

5k training tips
Baby names I like (and no, i am not even planning on having a baby *anytime* soon)
Blog Topics
Bucket list
iTunes wish list
Movies to see
Races
Things to Google
Things to tell Big-D (this one is basically empty, which probably causes me the most stress ever)


I know what y'all are thinking... "That's what keeps you up???" Well, yeah, see they don't call it Insomnia for nothing! :)

Do-Over Please!

Do you ever have moments where you wish you had a Do-Over? Or perhaps just pick a few things from your life and do a little rearranging of the timeline?

I guess I have been having too many pity-parties for myself lately. Thinking about where I am today and how I got here has really got me thinking about Do-Overs. Sometimes, I wish I could have just a Do-Over. Of course, that would only work *IF* I could take what I've learned back with me too. Thus, today's post.

If I was given the chance for a Do-Over, I would pick up my life at age 18. That's where the rearranging would come into play.

1) First I'd finish school. The way I did it was start school and then get married, with the intentions of finishing. But, children came and money was tight, and I worked instead of going back. So, first I'd Finish School.

2) Then I would Get Married. Yes. If I could rearrange events in my life, I would get married around or after graduation. I would have been more mature (hopefully) and perhaps would have known more about the choices I was making (or not making). As it was, I got married at 19.

On paper it doesn't look so bad; to only want to rearrange 2 things. But, you have to admit, they are pretty big things.

On the other hand, I suppose I should be grateful in part for the struggles I have endured as a result of my choices; for they have made me into what I am today. However, a pity party sounds like much more fun at the moment. And hey - It's my party, so I'll cry if I want to, right?

What about you? What things do you wish you could rearrange in your timeline? Where would you like your do-over to start?