Sunday Sentiments: Personal Revelation

Sometimes, I am just not very good at being patient. I don't mean being impatient with other people, but impatient with things in my life. For example, I wish I was already done with school, remarried, in a nice house, with a nice job... yadda, yadda, yadda. Probably the biggest thing I stress about is $$$. I wish I was in a better financial position to NOT stress over my living expenses. But, as of recent I am not receiving child support and my hours at work have been cut back, the "ends" are so far apart right now they are basically impossible to meet, how can I not be a bit concerned? I can't even rob Peter to pay Paul because Peter's got nothing! =D

Anyway, there was a potential resolution to the whole job thing. But in order to make it work I would have to shuffle around my school schedule, find someone else to take my kids to school in the mornings and pick them up afterwards too. I would have to drive a lot farther every day five days a week and I would have to make sure that dentist appointments and the like were all scheduled as far in advance as possible as this new opportunity just wouldn't be as flexible. So the question was better pay and more hassle? Or stick where I am now, but struggle financially. I cannot tell you how sick this decision made me. I mean, doing "what was best" for me & my kids just didn't seem so clear cut, y'know? Isn't providing for them in their best interest? Does it really matter if someone else takes them to and from school every day? hmmm...

Well, on my way back from class about a week ago, I was sort of having a major-minor meltdown. It happens, right? As I drove past the church I saw the cars of some of our clergymen there. I decided to go in and talk to them. Y'know, it's really hard some days not to have that special someone to come home and pour my heart out to and unwind a little. So, I stopped in to see if I could talk to someone. There was someone available, so I did just that; I poured my heart out and explained my concerns and worries.

I have to say that I do believe in personal revelation. I believe that we are each entitled to receive our own answers or inspiration to prayers. I also believe with faith that God can make a way where there is no way sometimes. But like I said... sometimes I get a little impatient.

Anyway, after I poured my heart out, I was offered a blessing in my behalf from the members of my bishopric. I gladly accepted the offer as I could sure use all of the blessings I could get. So, one of the counselors of our bishopric gave me a blessing and it was so enlightening and powerful that it has stuck with me since. I keep thinking about it, and while very personal, there are some things I do want to share.

I was reminded in this prayer that the Lord knows my heart and my situation and my needs. I was reminded that I need to exercise my trust in Him and to be PATIENT. I was blessed that my work situation would "turn to my favor" and that I just needed to wait and be PATIENT. I was reminded that there is One who already suffered for me and has already felt everything that I am going through. I was reminded to seek the Lord often in prayer and to ask for guidance. But while waiting for that guidance to be PATIENT and ACT in faith, living my life in a way so I can be ready to receive His grace and the answers that will come in time.

There was quite a bit more, though this is what I am willing and/or feel inspired to share with you. In my "sharing" with the bishopric about my circumstance, the one who blessed me was not aware that I was contemplating another job. So, to me it was poignant that he blessed me that my work situation would "turn to my favor". I knew then my answer was not to pursue this other avenue. And of course, above all, I was reminded that if I was patient and faithful everything would turn out okay.

And logically, I already knew that. I already know that eventually, things will work out. Because I am the type of person that works to make things work out. I don't sit back and wait for life to happen. I am an active part of my own success. I believe in the proverb that God helps those who help themselves.

But this experience was good for me, as it reminded me that I can and **should** ask for blessings when I so badly need them. It is part of being humble to do so. I was able to go up to the temple the next night and meditate and ponder much, and left with a feeling of peace; solidifying the answers I received the night before.

God did not put me or you on this earth to fail. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to WANT to succeed. He wants us to live a life of happiness. He wants us to know that we are loved. We know this because as Christians, we believe that He already sent someone to suffer for us.

I don't know what answers will come next. I don't know what doors will be opened, since these "windows" have slammed shut. But I do rest assured that my trials are not in vain and that I can take much from them, even if it is simply learning that I am a strong person and that I can do hard things.

I think the following nuggets from James 1 are apropos here...

3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

Personal Revelation. If you don't have some, get some. All you have to do is ask :)

Sunday Sentiments: The Condition of Your Heart

According to Discovery Health, the average size a woman's heart is about 9 oz and a man's is 10.5 oz. Considering the weight, that isn't very big... not really. And yet from such a small organ we can experience such a great magnitude of emotion. It's a phenomenon, really.

However, what fascinates me about the heart is more than its physical condition. Something I've discussed before {{HERE}}, {{HERE}}, and finally {{HERE}} is that the heart can produce a physiological response as well.

When we act in Love, we can physically feel our heart swell and move to the front of our chest cavity. When we are surrounded by hurt or pain or deep, dark sadness or sorrow, we can feel our heart retract, become small and move to the back of our chest wall. Many may say it's a psychosomatic response. Which is to say it's the reaction of the mind that creates a physical condition change of the heart. Possibly. But I still say it's phenomenal.

If you have been following my blog for any extended amount of time, you will know that I have been through some experiences that, as John Mayer sings, "have offended my faith [in love] and my trust, Until all is lost..." A BIG part of my journey has been to realize the beauty of love in its completeness and in its fullness.

Often times we may hear or have even said the phrases, "You have a good heart" or "You have a big heart" and even, "You have a kind heart". This is something I truly strive for.

Although loving completely takes effort, I believe it is worth it.

On this journey to love, and to love completely and to be loved completely, it is imperative that we become aware of the condition of our heart.

Because of the conscientious effort to change the condition of my heart, I am actually learning that I am able to forgive more easily, heal from heartache more quickly, and give of my love more freely. It's empowering, actually.

Y'know the sentiment "Misery loves company"? Well, I believe, the same is true with love. Love loves company. Love attracts more love.

A friend commented just a few nights ago, "Boy, people sure do seem to love you." That sort of struck me funny. Especially, because there have been moments in my life, including earlier this year, I started to wonder if my personality made me unlovable.

Needless to say, his comment has been on my mind the last two nights since he said it. Today I thought, perhaps maybe they do love me. Maybe I am more lovable than I thought. Then again, perhaps it has more to do with the fact that I give love more freely now than I used to too.

You gotta give love to get love.

In improving the condition of my heart, I have learned this about love in general:

"I'm grateful that God allows trials and tragedies to occur in our lives. Not because they're easy or because they're desired, but because they help us love." - Chris Williams

If any of you from here remember the story of Chris Williams, who lives down at the south end of the Valley, you'll remember the tragedy he suffered a couple of years ago. It was all over the news for what seemed like months. I am continually amazed how, in spite of all sorts of tragedies occurring in our nation every day, there are still people like Chris.

If you have about 8 1/2 minutes, I highly recommend you watch this video about Chris's situation and how he was able to find love in the face of tragedy and how it has helped the condition of his heart to heal from that same tragedy.

Happy Sunday!

Only Ten Dollars

Recently I received a check from the school. It was additional funds that were above and beyond the cost of my tuition and books for the semester. I am not rich. Not even close. So this little bit of extra money was appreciated. I decided that I would use a **little** bit of it to get my kids each something for their birthdays this year, and the rest I would use towards bills.

I decided to get them all three the same thing, and that I would get the gifts now and then hide them away until their birthdays (January, March and June). So, the other day I stopped in at SuperTarget and grabbed the said items. I was sort of in a hurry. And when I know **exactly** what I want, I mean it when I say, "I'm just gonna run in, grab this and run out."

Anyway, because I am in a hurry, I pick the shortest line. 2 people in front of me. The cashier was just finished ringing up this gentleman's order and proceeded to tell him the grand total. He is having a hard time understanding her English and she cannot speak Spanish. The cashier had already loaded his bags into his cart, and they were packed full of groceries. I am not sure how many mouths he has to feed, but my guess is a lot. The cashier is explaining to the man he doesn't have enough money. He is not understanding. She is pointing to the digital display, trying to explain once again that the amount of cash he had given her was not enough.

My first thought was, "Oh great! And I thought this was the SHORT line!" But then, I glimpsed my attitude in the face of the woman in front of me. She let out not one, not two, but THREE heavy sighs, adding a major eye-roll, which she turned and displayed for the rest of us as if to say, "Can you believe this???", and topping it all off with her hands-on-hips-I-am-too-important-to-have-to-stand-here-and-witness-this move. The lady behind me jumped on that ship and added two loud heavy sighs of her own, along with a rhythmic tapping of her undoubtedly, name-brand stilettos.

I realized that my being irritated was not going to help. I also realized that my initial feeling of exasperation was just about as ridiculous as the looks on these two ladies faces. At this point, the cashier decides that since he doesn't understand English, perhaps she could speak LOUDER, cuz that might just help. As she is explaining that he is about ten dollars short, he is digging in his pockets. The thought occurs to me that he doesn't even realize he is short. I think that he thought she was asking if he had the exact change. Like, if you have two pennies, etc. He digs in his pockets and turns them out empty. She then says, again VERRRRRY LOUDLY and now EXTREMELY SLOWLY, "YOU...DON'T...HAVE...ENOUGH...MONEY!" The man shakes his head "no". Again, I do not think he even understood.

Cereal. Spaghetti noodles. Oranges. Target brand diapers. Ground beef. Bell peppers. These were the items I could see peeking from some of his grocery bags.

Tap. Tap. Tap. The woman behind me clicked her shoes a little more loudly; each tap growing with intensity. The woman in front of me begins to look like a defective bobble-head; the constant shaking of her head from side-to-side. I could practically hear the clucking of her tongue.

Ten Dollars. He was short ten dollars. I had ten dollars cash, in my wallet. It wouldn't take away from **my** budget to give him the ten dollars. After all, this was *extra* money. Could I find a use for the ten dollars? Sure I could. Like I said, I am not rich.

However, just because I have never stood in a line at the grocery store as time stood still and glared at me for not having enough cash, doesn't mean I haven't ever stressed over being able to feed my family. I stress about it. All.The.Time. In fact, over the last two years, I have spent many a countless nights stressing over how I would pay this bill or that bill, or what I could make for dinner the next three nights with the few cans left in my cupboard. I cannot tell you all of the times I have felt like I could not handle just One.More.Thing. And it has been in times like these wherein somebody will have put an envelope of money in my mailbox, or a 20 dollar bill will have turned up in my old jacket, or someone else has brought me dinner or groceries, or let me "borrow" a can of diced tomatoes, a tub of cool whip or even a bag of chocolate chips. I cannot tell you the times I have come home to find my lawn magically mowed or my leaves mysteriously raked or my weeds pulled or my sidewalks and driveway cleared of snow. I am one person. How could I possibly "pay" each of these people back? Especially the anonymous ones...

Nonetheless, this man needed help. Right Now. He didn't have time to go home and see if per chance there was a ten dollar bill in an old coat. It was my chance to pay it forward. And the other thing too, I told myself, I KNOW where this money is going. He is using it to feed and care for his family. He isn't buying drugs or alcohol with it. He isn't gambling with it.

In reality, only about two minutes had passed. And yet, everything seemed slowed; the ticking of the clock filling the space of time, and the sighing and the tapping continued, each echoing a bit more.

"I've got it," I said, my own voice almost unrecognizable to me. I don't know why, but I was shaking as I reached my hand in my purse and fumbled to release the clasp of my wallet. The cashier and the two women gasped, almost in unison. The woman behind me looked at me with shock; the woman in front of me with disgust, and the cashier with disbelief. "I've got it," I said again, reaching out and handing the ten dollar bill to the cashier. I mean it was TEN DOLLARS! And it wasn't really even *my* money, really. I mean, it was given to me, but still.

I didn't like the looks on the women's faces and I decided that I didn't want others to see that in me. Instead I wanted someone to be able to look at me and see His image in my countenance. I wanted to be able to feel good about **finally** being able to help someone. Anyone. All of a sudden, ten dollars didn't seem like so much. I mean, really, with everything I have been given, and especially through the kind acts of others, it was **only** ten dollars. How could I NOT offer?

Isn't this what I want anyway? I asked myself. When I pray, often times I tell the Lord that I will be an instrument in his hands and that if there is anyone who could benefit from any service or deed that I could do, that I might be made aware of it. How do I NOT know that this may have been my chance to be *that* instrument. What if I would have ignored the prompting to help? What blessings or other opportunities might I have missed out on?

I know that some people would call me foolish or wasteful; saying that it wasn't *my* responsibility to help this man out, that he should have planned ahead a little better, or known his circumstance a little more. They may say that I wasted that money on someone else's family, when I could have used it for my own. I mean, that's about 4 gallons of milk right there.

I was still shaking by the time I got up to pay for my own three simple items. The cashier thanked me for doing what I did. I didn't really say much. I think my head was still thinking about all of this, in terms of my relationship with God. Then the cashier went on to say, "This is not the first time this has happened. He has come through my line before, and he has come up short before. It is sooo frustrating. Usually, I have to find someone who speaks Spanish to tell him to put something back."

I sort of gave her a half-nod as I took my receipt and goods and walked out to the car. I opened the door, sat in my front seat and began to sob like a baby. Not because I regretted giving up the Ten Dollars. Not because I felt like a do-gooder, though I did feel good about helping. But I was moved because this thought hit me:

How many times in my life have I come up short? How many times have I taken my case to the Lord in spite of feeling inadequate or unworthy to receive His blessings? And God doesn't say, "Again? This isn't the first time this has happened; you've come down this road before. This is so frustrating." God doesn't call the Savior in and ask Him to explain to us why we can't have what we just might so desperately need at that moment. He doesn't scold us, telling we should have planned a little better or known our circumstance more. No. The Savior paid the price for us. We are saved by His grace, after all we can do.

I am by no means trying to say that I think I was this guy's savior. But it hit me that this man gave all he had and was in need of someone to come to his mercy. Justice meant the items would have to be paid for. But Mercy meant that someone else could step in and pay the remaining debt, after all he could do.

I cried because at that moment it solidified for me, in my heart, how much my Heavenly Father truly does love me and that because He loves me He sent His son. And not only did He do that, but he continues to bless me through "Angels among us" who step in from time to time to bring me that bag of chocolate chips or shovel my walk. And sometimes-- sometimes He lets me know He loves me by letting ME have to opportunity to pay it forward.

Truly, it was only Ten Dollars.

Sunday Sentiments: God's Love & Forgiveness

I know it is a little late for a new post. But, this thought was such a good one, I wanted to share before I forget. Aside from the fellowship, support and overall good feelings of the spirit I obtain by renewing my covenants at church, I like going to church because I always learn something "new". Granted, the principle may not be new, but it's like reading a book or watching a movie for the second time. I get to certain parts and I am like, "I don't remember that from the first time I read/saw that." Or, maybe it is more enlightening. Or even better, perhaps I will understand it with greater depth. Like when I read a passage of scripture that I may have read a hundred times before, maybe this time it has new meaning for me.

Anyway, today in church in our women's Relief Society class, the lesson was back to basics; about how there is a God and that we are part of a heavenly family and God is our Father in Heaven. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, etc. The teacher asked the class to make a list of all of His qualities and attributes. There were lots of attributes mentioned. He is a Loving God, kind, merciful, patient, everywhere all the time, answers our prayers, etc. Here is the one that made my ears perk up just a little -- He is a forgiving God, and He is QUICK to forgive, and will forgive over and over, so long as we have a repentant heart and ASK.

Then, someone brought up THIS. Not only is He quick to forgive us of our trespasses, but He remembers them no more. As a Christian, I strive to live a Christ-centered life. Christ's whole mission testified of God. If God is quick to forgive AND forget, then we should strive to "forget" as well.

One lady said, and this is paraphrasing, "In order to truly forgive, we just need to FORGET about it; let it go. We need to FORGET the wrong choices our children have made. We need to FORGET about the things our parents did that perhaps we didn't agree with. We need to FORGET about the little quarrels or contention we've had with our friends and neighbors and brothers and sisters. If God can FORGET about our sins, we owe each other that same luxury."

As a parent, this doesn't mean I should turn a blind eye to the wrong things my children do. But it does mean that after I do my best to teach and correct them, I need to, as the quote says, "let bygones be bygones."

In my own group of siblings, we all have varying opinions on child-rearing or homemaking skills, etc., but simply put, we don't fight. I can't tell you how many people I know -- adults, mind you -- that tell me they aren't speaking to one of their siblings, or worse one of their parents. It's sad, really.

This is a very foreign concept to me. I don't think any of my siblings or my parents are perfect, and I am positive they will tell you the same about me. I am sure I do things that make them cringe, just like I can truthfully say I have cringed over some things they have done. But this whole concept of forgiving and forgetting, I love.

I hate carrying the burden of being upset with someone. It feels awful. Recently, when someone said some very unkind things to me, I carried that burden. I allowed myself to be hurt. Finally, I had to bury it and move on. So, I did. I packed it up, buried it away and forgave. Now - I hope to just forget about it. It doesn't really matter anyway.

I am sure that as my kids grow older and make choices for themselves, I will not always be proud of all of their choices, just as my parents have probably been disappointed by some of ours. However, I hope I can reflect upon and remember that as children of our Heavenly Father - and we all are - we owe it to each other to give each other the luxury of "Forgiving & Forgetting".

Just one more thing that hit me while I was sitting in the class today, and then I'll get off my soap box...

I think most of us are familiar with the saying that "God is Love". And He is. I remember when I had my first baby. I remember how much I loved him. I loved that baby with every fiber of my being. I would do and give anything for his safety and well-being. He brought so much joy into my life. He was an only child for almost four years before I had my second one. I remember during my second pregnancy, being a little worried and concerned. I wondered, how could I possibly divide my love? Would I have enough love to give to both children? But then the second one came and I didn't have to divide my love at all. I remember rocking my new little newborn in the hospital, and thinking, "Loving this baby doesn't mean I love my other child any less. I don't have to divide my love; there is simply just more to give." It is a phenomenon really. I mean, to give all you have to the first, and then to still have more when the second one is born? It truly amazed me.

And I thought to myself at that time, "I feel like I have just glimpsed into the heart of God. He doesn't divide His love; there is just more to give. He loves ALL of His children."

There is no end to love, after all, is there...