Sometimes, I am just not very good at being patient. I don't mean being impatient with other people, but impatient with things in my life. For example, I wish I was already done with school, remarried, in a nice house, with a nice job... yadda, yadda, yadda. Probably the biggest thing I stress about is $$$. I wish I was in a better financial position to NOT stress over my living expenses. But, as of recent I am not receiving child support and my hours at work have been cut back, the "ends" are so far apart right now they are basically impossible to meet, how can I not be a bit concerned? I can't even rob Peter to pay Paul because Peter's got nothing! =D
Anyway, there was a potential resolution to the whole job thing. But in order to make it work I would have to shuffle around my school schedule, find someone else to take my kids to school in the mornings and pick them up afterwards too. I would have to drive a lot farther every day five days a week and I would have to make sure that dentist appointments and the like were all scheduled as far in advance as possible as this new opportunity just wouldn't be as flexible. So the question was better pay and more hassle? Or stick where I am now, but struggle financially. I cannot tell you how sick this decision made me. I mean, doing "what was best" for me & my kids just didn't seem so clear cut, y'know? Isn't providing for them in their best interest? Does it really matter if someone else takes them to and from school every day? hmmm...
Well, on my way back from class about a week ago, I was sort of having a major-minor meltdown. It happens, right? As I drove past the church I saw the cars of some of our clergymen there. I decided to go in and talk to them. Y'know, it's really hard some days not to have that special someone to come home and pour my heart out to and unwind a little. So, I stopped in to see if I could talk to someone. There was someone available, so I did just that; I poured my heart out and explained my concerns and worries.
I have to say that I do believe in personal revelation. I believe that we are each entitled to receive our own answers or inspiration to prayers. I also believe with faith that God can make a way where there is no way sometimes. But like I said... sometimes I get a little impatient.
Anyway, after I poured my heart out, I was offered a blessing in my behalf from the members of my bishopric. I gladly accepted the offer as I could sure use all of the blessings I could get. So, one of the counselors of our bishopric gave me a blessing and it was so enlightening and powerful that it has stuck with me since. I keep thinking about it, and while very personal, there are some things I do want to share.
I was reminded in this prayer that the Lord knows my heart and my situation and my needs. I was reminded that I need to exercise my trust in Him and to be PATIENT. I was blessed that my work situation would "turn to my favor" and that I just needed to wait and be PATIENT. I was reminded that there is One who already suffered for me and has already felt everything that I am going through. I was reminded to seek the Lord often in prayer and to ask for guidance. But while waiting for that guidance to be PATIENT and ACT in faith, living my life in a way so I can be ready to receive His grace and the answers that will come in time.
There was quite a bit more, though this is what I am willing and/or feel inspired to share with you. In my "sharing" with the bishopric about my circumstance, the one who blessed me was not aware that I was contemplating another job. So, to me it was poignant that he blessed me that my work situation would "turn to my favor". I knew then my answer was not to pursue this other avenue. And of course, above all, I was reminded that if I was patient and faithful everything would turn out okay.
And logically, I already knew that. I already know that eventually, things will work out. Because I am the type of person that works to make things work out. I don't sit back and wait for life to happen. I am an active part of my own success. I believe in the proverb that God helps those who help themselves.
But this experience was good for me, as it reminded me that I can and **should** ask for blessings when I so badly need them. It is part of being humble to do so. I was able to go up to the temple the next night and meditate and ponder much, and left with a feeling of peace; solidifying the answers I received the night before.
God did not put me or you on this earth to fail. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to WANT to succeed. He wants us to live a life of happiness. He wants us to know that we are loved. We know this because as Christians, we believe that He already sent someone to suffer for us.
I don't know what answers will come next. I don't know what doors will be opened, since these "windows" have slammed shut. But I do rest assured that my trials are not in vain and that I can take much from them, even if it is simply learning that I am a strong person and that I can do hard things.
I think the following nuggets from James 1 are apropos here...
3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
Personal Revelation. If you don't have some, get some. All you have to do is ask :)