Anxiety: Double the Pleasure, Double Fun!

I have been having soooo much anxiety this past week. Haven't been sleeping really well, even if I go to bed "early". My thoughts have seemed un-focused, scattered, not "with it". This dull yet constant chest pain (which could also be a rib out of place).

So I was trying to figure out "Why?"

As my writing class is drawing to the end of the semester (w00t!) we are in the midst of "Finals". For this class, Finals are a 2-week process. Throughout the duration of the course we've written 4-5 pieces. For the Final, we were to take one of those pieces and revise it and present it to the class. Then, they get to workshop the piece while the writer sits there silently listening, not allowed to speak. Then after they give you all of their feedback, you are supposed to do a final revision on the piece and turn it in for the final Final. We have been workshopping 6 students' pieces per class the last 4 classes and I am up next. Following class the other night a few students and I were discussing it on our way out to the parking lot. Realizing I was next started making me feel a little dizzy. As I got in my car my heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty and I felt like I just wanted to lie down. I mean, the way my body was responding you would have thought I was getting ready to take center stage right at that moment and not next Tuesday. So, I turned on the music and just tried to get lost in thought, convincing myself it doesn't really matter if no one likes it -- it's not like I need THEIR approval. And while I might consider their feedback, it's the instructor's I really care about as he is the one with the degree, he is the one who used to work for a publisher - reading manuscripts and forwarding the best to the EIC, he is the one who is giving me the final grade.

So, I realize that working on revisions this past week has definitely been a trigger for my anxiety.

I have also been putting together my itinerary for our Mega Road Trip coming up. Places we're stopping along the way, places we get to stay for free, and places I have to shell out for. I got some prepaid **DEEP** discounts so I am excited that we are staying places we've never stayed before. Additionally, some familial contributors have made this trip possible by their generous donations. (Thanks Mom & Dad & Sisters for helping me out so I can focus on being an independent woman! tee hee)

But I am still stressed about the money. I don't believe in credit cards and I don't use them -- I haven't had any since my divorce almost 4 years ago. I know many people that say, "Well just use them for an emergency." Problem is, as a struggling single mom, EVERYTHING would be an emergency, haha. So, I simply don't use them. I think my fear is that fuel, food, and everything will end up costing more than I had hoped and budgeted for, and that somehow I will get stranded on the way home.

I knew this thought was in the back of my mind, but I didn't really realize it was a major trigger for anxiety until I started having dreams about it. The past three nights I have had dreams about having anxiety attacks. In one dream, my "tell" for anxiety is that I would scratch my neck and chest without even realizing I was doing it. Then someone would ask why I was bleeding. In another dream the car went out of control and it had a delayed response to my commands; break, accelerate, reverse, etc. And I ended up with major scratches and having to have repairs done (which I couldn't afford) which gave me anxiety. And last night I dreamed that on our trip we stopped for frozen custard somewhere in the middle of nowhere and the car got towed away while we were inside. I was trying to call towing companies, but one number led me to the next and I kept getting the run around. They were telling me where to go to get it and how much it would cost (more than I had) and that if I didn't come and get it by their deadline they would scrap the car for parts. I was running everywhere. The only good highlight of that dream was the custard shop sold bags of mini-peeps; the Easter peeps, freeze-dried down to miniatures. They were soooo tasty! haha.

Now that I've pin-pointed the triggers, I will make sure I take a quarter Xanax right when I get to class on Tuesday and try to get lots of sleep before we leave for the trip (Wednesday night). I know that things will work out, for they always do. But the dreams just cracked me up. You know you're anxious about something when you're having palpitations in your dreams! I think it is interesting how stress can affect us all in different ways.

This Feeling

Do you ever get that lump in your throat? You know... the one in which you try to hold back because you know it's brought on by the urge to cry? Yeah, that one. I don't even know why, suffice it to say I've just been feeling extremely overwhelmed for quite some time now; like it's been slowly brewing, and yet it's not even one thing really. At least not that I can pin point at the moment. I've had that for several weeks now.

I was glad when summer started. It meant my class load would not be as heavy. My friend let me come for a visit to Oregon, and when someone gives you an invite like that, the kind wherein you don't have to pay for everything, you don't turn it down. I thought this would make things better; and it did, for a while. It was better while I was there. I had fun and I relaxed. And then I came home, and that feeling crept back in.

I decided to take my kids camping for the 4th of July. The cost for the campsite for the entire weekend was way less than 1 night at a decent hotel. And there was a beach. I thought, why not? I took my youngest and her friend. My oldest and his friend came up the next night and stayed over one night. But my oldest has summer school and left the afternoon of the 4th. While there, everything seemed ok. Of course, it's a lot of work setting up camp by myself, but I did it, and I was proud of myself. And after the hard work, I relaxed. I read my books. I felt good.

Then this morning, I was packing up to come home; trying to beat the rain that I knew was coming. The [little] girls were not so thrilled to be helping first thing in the morning, although my daughter knows me well enough to know when not to argue. Just as we finished loading the car and drove away, the rain started. And that feeling... it came back.

The whole way home I felt antsy. When we finally got home an hour later and started unloading the car, we walked through the door to a smell that churned our stomachs. I swear, it smelled like a rotting corpse. Not to say I have ever been around a rotting corpse. Nonetheless, I was for certain something died in my house. It didn't take but a few seconds to discover the refrigerator is completely dead and all of the meat in the freezer and fresh produce & dairy in the fridge went bad the entire time we were gone. I about lost my breakfast.

All of that food...gone. The cost of a replacement refrigerator? More than I have, for sure. I don't even want to think about it right now. I have homework I need to finish before class tonight. So, I pull up my laptop and decide a quick vent on Facebook just might help me get out some of this frustration over the fridge. And then it happened. That lump in my throat that I have been shoving back for the past 5 or 6 weeks or so, finally gave in and I began to hyperventilate. The tears have started and now can't seem to stop.

I know something will work out, for something always does. I just cant wrap my brain around how and when. I know that in the end everything will be fine. And I know that there are others out there with way harder lives than I've got.

But for the moment, for the time being, I'd like to run away, anywhere and live a different life, even if only for a bit. I am tired of feeling overwhelmed. It occurs to me that this is the reason I have enjoyed getting away, being in different places, reading books, etc. I've enjoyed the escape because it is my way of pretending everything else I have to deal with (life) does not exist.

I know I have much to be grateful for. I know I shouldn't complain. No one enjoys reading someone else's whiny pity-party. And I sure I will feel foolish tomorrow for writing this today. But for now, for whatever reason, I just need to wallow a bit, before faking my way through my homework. Besides, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. Haha.

Thanks for listening... don't feel you must comment. I really don't like people to feel sorry for me. I feel plenty sorry for myself to go around, lol!

Now to breathe...in...out...in...out... this too shall pass.

Bloggy love to you all! :)

It's About That Time

One of my dear friends posted on her blog just the other day about how she is going through some stuff but in choosing to be happy, she bites her tongue to keep from crying. She then asked if any of her followers/friends did the same thing. I replied,

"I don't do anything to keep from crying. I just cry...until I am done crying. Sometimes it takes a LONG time to be done crying. At one point in my life I went for a very long period wherein I felt like crying and DID nearly every day. I think it lasted for about four years."

It's true. I spent a lot of time secretly (and sometimes not-so-secretly) crying. It's how I relieve stress.

Usually (at LEAST) once per semester I have a major-minor meltdown. Usually it stems from feeling overwhelmed, lots going on at home and work, lots of projects and homework for school... and very, very, VERY little sleep. Did I mention no sleep makes me cry?

It's when I get to THAT point that just about ANYTHING will trigger the tears. Someone might look at me funny, or say something that rubs me the wrong way. Or perhaps I get frustrated over a mistake I've made. Heck -- it could be some sappy commercial or a sad story on the news. It could even be (and most often is) the simple inquisition, "What's wrong?" or "Are you okay?" If someone even so much as ASKS me that while I am feeling this way -- Game Over. Let the cry-fest commence!

So yes, dear readers. It's about that time. I can feel it. The headaches are daily. The sleep is practically non-existent. The feelings of loneliness seem to be magnified. The homework is overwhelming. The work, busy. I can tell it's about that time because I've had that "lump" in my throat for a few days now.

I almost lost it at the dentist earlier, but I think it's because they had to crank the Nitrous up a little bit more than normal. I had to take a nap during lunch just to sleep off the effects.

So, just know that if I'm crying over "nothing", it's all good. I really am okay. No need to feel sorry for me... it's just how I "cope". Another 2 weeks and the semester will be over and I will get a few weeks off before the Summer semester starts.

I suppose, worse case scenario, if I don't get the tears out by the weekend I'll put a sappy movie on before finals next week! haha!

Page 56 and the Yellow Light

What is "page 56" you ask?

Well, according to one movie critic, "page 56" is the place in the script in which the story takes a turn. This is the point in which the main character faces his toughest decision. And whether or not he succeeds triumphantly in the end is all hinged on this one big choice; especially if it's a tale of redemption.

So, I haven't been around the blog much. I know... that's not like me. I guess you can say this semester has really been kicking my butt. I know I said that LAST semester. But, truly. This semester is way harder. I have 5 classes in addition to my regular work schedule and my kids, who I have jokingly been saying that they've been busy raising themselves since I've been so busy. But it's true. I have been busy and school has been kicking my butt. I am sleeping less and when I am home I am so physically exhausted I have little or no motivation to do the things I have been needing to do. I have also been having tummy issues that appear to be stress-related.

This week is midterms. I had a panic attack during one of my Midterms on Monday. I had to stop and start over three times. Afterwards, the professor said I had no reason to have anxiety as I always do well in his class. I think it was triggered by lack of sleep, because I was up till 3am the night before just trying to get homework done.

I thought about that the entire way home and came to the realization that I am at "page 56" with regards to school. On the one hand I feel the urge to hurry and get done with everything because I am tired of being in school and I am not good with patience. On the other hand I can barely keep up with my homework and I worry that I will have to repeat a class or two if I keep this pace up.

I have approached the proverbial yellow light and I have a choice to make. Slow down, use caution and pause for a bit or speed up and hope I don't run a red light in the process. Well, if you know me well, you know that while I love adventure, the element of risk often causes me anxiety. I am not one to "speed through" yellow lights. Too much risk.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to slow down. I cannot take this type of course load again. After making that conscious decision, I happened to look online yesterday at the proposed class schedule for the summer. Ironically enough as it turns out, of all the classes I still need to take to graduate, only one of those is being offered over the summer. Coincidence? Perhaps, some may say.

I, on the other hand, feel it is a tender mercy. It is an affirmation to me that I need only take one class this summer and that all will be well, or Que sera sera, as my mother often sang to me growing up.

After midterms this week, I get a week off from classes and then the following weekend is my li'l road trip down to Moab. Gonna play on some red slick rock! Oh -- and did I tell you? Yeah, The Professor is coming too. Should be a fun weekend.

Then I will be more than halfway done with this semester and hopefully start to get my body back to normal. Of course that means back to our regularly scheduled programming on the blogosphere too. :)

Weekly Warning

Warning: this week I will probably not get to read many blogs.

This week I will probably get less sleep than usual.

This week I will most likely have dark circles under my eyes.

This week I will undoubtedly neglect cooking for my children, not to mention other motherly duties.

This week I will be trying to prevent sleep-deprivation migraines.

This week I may utter a plethora of "craps", "freakins" and possibly even a few "golls" mingled with an array of "blehs", "sighs" and "ughs".

This week I will quite possibly, probably have a major-minor emotional meltdown at least once.

Yes, dear readers. This week is mid-terms... ahhh!!! Wish me luck!

Oh, and FYI... care packages of cinna-bears and diet coke gladly being accepted now. Haha!

The Plan?

Who: Me!

What: Needs a vacation - no kids allowed! (sorry kids)

When: Anytime! Sooner preferably than later!

Where: Anywhere or in the middle of Nowhere, I almost don't care!

Why: Just need to get away and NOT think about mom -duties, school, work, finances...etc.

How: Hmmm. Good question. Perhaps a knight in shining armor could appear on a white horse and take me away? No? Not realistic enough? Well, what if he has a car? THAT would do! hahaha! Or maybe I'd just happen to have an unexpected windfall of money and can book a flight somewhere and relax on the beach, get a massage, take in a movie or two.

I haven't quite got that part figured out yet. Oh well, a girl can dream, can't she?

I guess for now, I'd settle for a nice, hot, LONG, UN-INTERRUPTED Bubble bath and a good book!

It's Official...

FunnyMan now has his driver's license!!!


As a mother, THESE make me a li'l nervous...

And before getting behind the wheel, I wish I could send him out like this...

...especially because I KNOW there are drivers out there with THIS sort of mentality...

But, just like my parents, whom cut the apron strings loose, so must I. More prayers, more faith, and a little more Prozac oughta do the trick... right?

The "B" Word

"B" is for "Budget"

I want to feel more financially secure. I'll be honest and say I haven't sat down to do a budget after my divorce, I think mainly because my brain was barely functioning as it was. Then, a few months ago my computer class instructor assigned us to make a budget in Excel so we could practice formulas, etc. She wanted it to be a "REAL" budget. I didn't want to do mine. I didn't want to see how poor I was, I suppose. Big-D let me use his.

However, one of my goals this year has been to become more financially "aware" so that perhaps I can become more financially "stable". Besides, I've been wanting a new vehicle for so long. The one I have is now 13 years old. I am grateful that it still runs and gets me where I need to go. But I am tired of expensive/unpredictable maintenance issues. And I think any road trips are out this year.

That being said, I finally decided to sit down and come face to face with my money. After all, I argued, it can't be THAT bad, right? I mean, I've already cut the TV/Dish service. I can count on 1 hand how many times we ate out at a restaurant as a family this entire past year. We are blessed (?) to qualify for reduced lunches at my kids' schools. I don't work far from home so our fuel expenses aren't nearly as bad as they could be. Nevertheless, here are my findings.

I have $16 left at the end of each month, and that doesn't account for ANY other expenses such as prescriptions, unplanned Dr. visits, school activities (science fairs, field trip, class fees, etc.), birthdays, haircuts, clothes/shoes, oil changes, annual car registration and other car maintenance, entertainment, or anything else that I might not have thought of. I know that crying doesn't help, nevertheless I can't seem to stop.

I have thought about what to cut out, cuz things are only going to get worse. I have increased the amount I contribute to my Flex Spending so I can use pre-tax dollars to pay for my middle child's braces. I know that is going to cost more than $16 a month. I simply refuse to cut out my tithes and offerings; it's not even up for discussion. I debated cutting my internet. However -- I am in school and all of my classes are ONLINE. Not to mention my children often use the internet for homework. In fact, last year I even had to upgrade to a faster high-speed connection just to support my online class requirements. I thought about cutting our cell phones. However, as a single mom I can't tell you how important it is for me to have that connection with my kids. I have however, dropped our shared minutes plan from 1400 a month to 700. So, we'll be doing a lot more texting/emailing from our phones. Sorry, if you don't have verizon or are not in my top 10, I'll have to text you. I considered cutting my home phone. But what about when just the two younger ones are home after school? What if they have to call me? or worse -- 911? Can't cut the power or the gas or the water/sewer/garbage service. I don't live in a fancy place and my rent for the dumpy-dilapidated house I *do* live in is less than I can find for a 3 bedroom apartment. I know, cuz I've been looking.

Big-D suggested perhaps I move to a trailer park to save money! Could I do that? I'm not sure just yet. I guess I'd have to eat a lot of humble pie first. And I am not trying to put down mobile homes or anything. I am just picturing living verrrrrry close to the next home and lack of privacy, and of course the stigma associated with it. I mean, my parents' first home was a single wide, but it was on their own land and not in a park. It's just that in my experience in real estate, when it comes to mobile homes there is one thing I have noticed... Once people move in, they never seem to move out. Big-D does point out, however, that I'd probably have a lot of good bloggy-finds at the trailer park. (I am all of a sudden picturing Joy from "My Name is Earl." Joy: Yeah, and I'll be butt naked behind the trailer waiting for my hot tub.)

Anyway, I already skip my meds until I absolutely need them so I am not having to pay for refills each month. I try to stay home to save on gas. This past year I cut my grocery bill in half from the previous year. I am just not sure I can cut any more there. I have considered not going to my chiropractor each month. That'd save $20. I have thought about getting a second job. But I can't quite figure out when. I mean, I already work 1 full time job and then I have 3/4 time school and of course three kids. My gym membership was paid in full for two whole years last Feb. It was a gift to myself with my tax return money. So, I can't cut that out. The dumb thing is, with school I barely have time to go to the gym. I guess what I am saying is if I can hardly find the time for an hour or two a day at the gym, where am I going to find time to work a second job?

The thought then occurred to me that perhaps I should look for a different primary job. But I have no degree yet. And my experience in other fields are very much in the past or non-existent all together. Nonetheless, I started looking. And I am sure none of you will find this the least bit surprising... but there aren't many jobs out there. And the ones that are, I am not qualified to do. And the ones that I am qualified to do, do not pay even close to what I am already making.

I considered moving home. The cost of living is a little less, but the job market is worse than here. Plus, my kids say that if I move, they will not come with me; their lives are here.

**sigh**

The trailer park is starting to look good right about now...

Something's Gotta Give

Let me just start off by saying I do NOT like having a messy house. I HATE having dirty dishes in the sink and I DESPISE the laundry that continues to pile up. Adjusting to life as a single mom the past few years has not been easy. It isn't ideal that I work a full time job out of the home... nevertheless, it must be done. It was at that point I realized that "Something's Gotta Give" and I would just have to learn to "live" with a mess from time to time.

Fast forward to present day and add school to the mix. I have three classes for credit and one class that is required but no credit. I have calculated that I spend about 10-12 hours a week doing homework for my Computer class (this instructor gives a ton of busy work), about 4-6 hours for my Communication class and about 4-6 hours for my Criminal Justice class. That is like 24 hours a week, which is approximately 3-3 1/2 hours a night, if I did homework every night; which I do not. Suffice it to say, I can get stressed!

Some would criticize and say that if I am busy with school, I should forsake EVERYTHING else. However, if you KNEW me, you would know that I NEED other sorts of distractions too, or else I would get so sick of school, I would give up. Seriously... I hate monotony. So, I am enjoying directing the play. I am enjoying blogging, tho I can't always catch up on everyone's when I want to. I enjoy Facebook, but don't let it take up too much time (I don't play the games, etc). I love writing, although, that has been placed on the back burner until Christmas Break. I love music, and that is something I will never forsake.

I was engaging in textual relations with Eric recently and asked, "Do you ever feel like you have a soundtrack for your life? I mean do certain things in your life remind you of certain songs or vice versa?" He replied, "Absolutely! I think I try to find the music that completes that movie on a daily basis!" I texted back, "Me too! Probably why I am running out of room on my iPod." To which he responded, "That's a BIG soundtrack!" To which I said, "Roflmbo! Yes, well... a LOT has happened. I find myself adding new tunes when I am ready for something new in my life, I guess."

But it's true; that is how I feel. When I am going through another stage of my life, I actually search, and "try to find the music that completes" me during that time. Anyway, how did this post turn into something about music when it was supposed to be about my stress? I guess my point is, that I have a lot going on, hence the "big soundtrack".

Ok, back to the topic at hand... I am in school, and everything else in my life is still full and crazy, and I CHOOSE to create adventures so I do not go crazy! But, something's still gotta give. Unfortunately, that "something" is still my house. It is in worse shape now than before. And I have come to the conclusion that until I am done with school, I am just gonna live in a messy house. Thankfully, I have great kids who help clean (well, 2 out of 3 do anyway. the third one gets mysterious "stomach aches"...). FunnyMan pretty much takes care of the downstairs. Yeah, he's awesome like that. PrettyPrettyPrincess cleans the front room, the bathroom and keeps my kitchen counters wiped down. Yeah, that's how she rolls. I am grateful for the neighbor that periodically mows my lawn because I just can't seem to get a handle on it. If only the weeds and the bushes wouldn't get out of hand. :(

I have made some minor adjustments to help out... such as we are "Going White" here (as opposed to "going green"). My Pantry is stocked with disposable cups, plates, bowls, and utensils. Seriously, I love not having to fuss with dishes. I feel a little guilty, but I remind myself of all of the water I am conserving!

Now... if they could just make disposable clothes so my laundry pile would disappear...

What about you? Did something ever have to "give" in your life?

Friday Fever

I have wanted it to be Friday since Monday. Do you ever have weeks like that? I have felt so stressed lately. I think I have slept less and cried more this week than other weeks (though, it's probably a close competition).

On Monday I printed up the "Our Office Will Be Closed On Memorial Day" sign. I started to get REALLY excited. I told my co-worker, Baldy, I am so excited for Memorial Day. He asked, "Why? Do you have fun plans?" I replied, "No. I just get to have a day off from work." Pathetic, I know.

Really, I just have felt so overwhelmed lately; not enough money, not enough time, not enough breathing room, not enough space in my head to sort out and categorize all of those random thoughts. Will I be able to read all of the blogs today that I want to? Do I have posts ready for the next two weeks? Will anyone notice if I skip a day? Should I get a new job? Does he love me? If he does, when the heck will he figure it out? Should I move? Can I really move my family into a tiny 2-bedroom apartment just to be able to make ends meet? Should I move home? What job would I possibly get there? Will any of this solve my financial struggles or provide relief so I can stop Robbing Peter to Pay Paul? And when will Peter find out? Should I get a second job waitressing on the weekends? When can I possibly find the time to go back to school? Will I have a heart attack from all of this stress? If I had a heart attack, would I get paid time off?

Yes, it's true. My tired, exhausted, overworked, inundated brain actually had the heart attack thought. Again, pathetic.

So, I am glad today is Friday. That gives me two whole days in which I am going to try NOT thinking about all of those things I just blurted out, and I am going to try to do something to relax. Maybe I will take the advice of the speaker I heard last night...

Play Hide and Seek, in my own house, by myself......... while the kids ARE home!

Have a great weekend everybody! [and if you happen to have a huge basement you wanna rent out for real cheap, or too much cash that you need to get rid of cuz you just possibly don't know what to do with it all... give me a call!]