I was glad when summer started. It meant my class load would not be as heavy. My friend let me come for a visit to Oregon, and when someone gives you an invite like that, the kind wherein you don't have to pay for everything, you don't turn it down. I thought this would make things better; and it did, for a while. It was better while I was there. I had fun and I relaxed. And then I came home, and that feeling crept back in.
I decided to take my kids camping for the 4th of July. The cost for the campsite for the entire weekend was way less than 1 night at a decent hotel. And there was a beach. I thought, why not? I took my youngest and her friend. My oldest and his friend came up the next night and stayed over one night. But my oldest has summer school and left the afternoon of the 4th. While there, everything seemed ok. Of course, it's a lot of work setting up camp by myself, but I did it, and I was proud of myself. And after the hard work, I relaxed. I read my books. I felt good.
Then this morning, I was packing up to come home; trying to beat the rain that I knew was coming. The [little] girls were not so thrilled to be helping first thing in the morning, although my daughter knows me well enough to know when not to argue. Just as we finished loading the car and drove away, the rain started. And that feeling... it came back.
The whole way home I felt antsy. When we finally got home an hour later and started unloading the car, we walked through the door to a smell that churned our stomachs. I swear, it smelled like a rotting corpse. Not to say I have ever been around a rotting corpse. Nonetheless, I was for certain something died in my house. It didn't take but a few seconds to discover the refrigerator is completely dead and all of the meat in the freezer and fresh produce & dairy in the fridge went bad the entire time we were gone. I about lost my breakfast.
All of that food...gone. The cost of a replacement refrigerator? More than I have, for sure. I don't even want to think about it right now. I have homework I need to finish before class tonight. So, I pull up my laptop and decide a quick vent on Facebook just might help me get out some of this frustration over the fridge. And then it happened. That lump in my throat that I have been shoving back for the past 5 or 6 weeks or so, finally gave in and I began to hyperventilate. The tears have started and now can't seem to stop.
I know something will work out, for something always does. I just cant wrap my brain around how and when. I know that in the end everything will be fine. And I know that there are others out there with way harder lives than I've got.
But for the moment, for the time being, I'd like to run away, anywhere and live a different life, even if only for a bit. I am tired of feeling overwhelmed. It occurs to me that this is the reason I have enjoyed getting away, being in different places, reading books, etc. I've enjoyed the escape because it is my way of pretending everything else I have to deal with (life) does not exist.
I know I have much to be grateful for. I know I shouldn't complain. No one enjoys reading someone else's whiny pity-party. And I sure I will feel foolish tomorrow for writing this today. But for now, for whatever reason, I just need to wallow a bit, before faking my way through my homework. Besides, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. Haha.
Thanks for listening... don't feel you must comment. I really don't like people to feel sorry for me. I feel plenty sorry for myself to go around, lol!
Now to breathe...in...out...in...out... this too shall pass.
Bloggy love to you all! :)