'Twas the 24 Nights Before Christmas

I don't know about you -- but I'm tired!

Between finals, rehearsals, kids' school programs, holiday shows, church visits, Christmas parties and my birthday, I've had something going every single night since December 1st.  I've been so exhausted lately, I even had a dream last night that I was so exhausted I needed a nap.  In my dream I was driving but couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, so pulled off to the side of the road and napped in my car.  A dream about napping - haha!

After this weekend, I am hoping things will slow down just a tad, or at least enough to feel rested before Christmas.

Oh wait, I forgot.  I still have to shop and wrap and clean and bake and............

Baby, it's Bitter Cold Outside!

About 2/3 of the nation is already getting "dumped" on by snow. Winds are rapidly exceeding in speeds. Tonight they are expecting a 3 day storm to hit, spanning all the way from Portland, Maine - across the Midwest and down into Texas! The lower East Coast may experience Hurricane weather while other areas get hit with Tornadoes! It's gonna be one crazy storm!

I used to think a "Blizzard" was all about the snow level. I learned from our own "blizzard" here recently, that it is not the case. Blizzards have more to do with the wind. However, the more severe blizzards usually involve many inches of snow and span more than a day. I think I was around 5 or 6 when I experienced snow so high that it completely buried our cars and front door!

I was used to bitter cold winters, growing up in the Midwest. But since moving here to Utah 14 years ago, I've been a little spoiled with fairly mild winters. "Bitter Cold" was what happened when it got down in the 20's!

But this winter has truly been it's coldest since I've been here. It has been windy, and although we experience inversion here (when the air temp on the ground is warmer than the air above -- so not cold enough to keep the snow on the ground), the temperatures are dropping low each night and the wind is picking up during the day!

It is weird to me to wake up (like this morning) to a 9 degree morning, which feels like -13 because of the wind chill factor, and yet there is hardly any snow! Nonetheless, it is FREEZING!!! BRRRRR!

Wishing all of you stay warm and are stocked up on food and water and flashlights and batteries and toilet paper and........

(So, wait -- How does Global Warming work again? Or Global Climate Change - or whatever it's called?)

Winter BLAHs

I am not a fan of winter. I am not a fan of snow. I am not a fan of dark and gloomy days. I am not a fan of cold. It's bad here too because when the inversion hits, everything is foggy and smoggy, and you can't even hardly see the mountains.

In the winter is when I feel depression tugging a little harder and hanging on a little longer than at other times. It often starts before Thanksgiving and I start to get this feeling that I want to crawl into bed, cover up and not come out until Spring. One lady accused me of having no Christmas Spirit. It's not that. I love the holidays -- the true meaning of the holidays, anyway. I love spending time with family when they come. But it's just the gloomy feeling of... I dunno... everything.

I made it through Christmas and the kids and I enjoyed it. I forced myself to get the tree up and decorated. One of these days, I will force myself to take it down. But in my defense, today - January 6th - is the day of the Epiphany. So, technically, in old Christian traditions your tree is supposed to stay up through today anyway. Regardless, I am going to try really hard to take it down before March... which is what happened a few years ago, haha.

I am a believer that I am in charge of my own attitude. I can get up and choose whether to be happy or not be happy. I am the one who chooses my reaction or pro-activeness to the events that will take place today. And, for the most part, I'd say I am pretty good about staying upbeat and positive. But that doesn't mean I still don't have this... feeling.

I can't really put it into complete words. And I know that men especially have a hard time understanding. Whenever I try to talk it out with a guy he doesn't really "get" it and usually tries to give me advice to FIX it. (Why can't men just listen and then comfort without trying to FIX it?) But like yesterday for example, it was a great day. I had fundings and closings and new orders at work. I went to lunch with a great group of people. I ate the best salad and made the best cinnamon rolls. I checked online and saw that all of my financial aid paperwork was finalized for the semester. I had a relaxing evening. And yet, there was this lump in my throat all day. The lump that forms when you are on the verge of tears. That lump. I have that on most days when I feel like this. And yet it isn't like there is any one thing that is making me want to cry. And usually, I avoid people when I get like this, to minimize any trigger for tears.

I don't like people to feel sorry for me -- so please do not leave the "I'm sorry you're feeling that way" comment. I just blog about it, because perhaps it helps me make more sense of it in some way. I don't take medication for it because I don't feel it is severe enough and I am not a good pill swallower. Having to swallow pills makes me have anxiety, haha. But I do what my counselor has referred to as "talk therapy" and I find it helps. I guess that is more of what this is, "talk therapy" by way of "blog therapy". I know I must be rambling... and this may or may not make sense.

Anyway -- back in "the day" when I was married had a good job and 2+ incomes, I often shopped. People joke about "retail therapy", but it's a real thing. When I'd feel down, finding something on sale was a quick pick-me-up. Often times, the purchased items weren't even for me. Nonetheless, I felt better. Well, that's not an option anymore. So, I am back to the "talk therapy". I don't like talking too much about it, because again, I don't want the pity. Also, I don't like being a Negative Nelly and feel like I'm whining or something. I tend to keep it in if it isn't funny or positive or upbeat.

I am hoping that once school starts up on Monday I will be too busy to be fully aware of this gloomy feeling hanging around my head and my heart.

Anyway -- so that is why I haven't been "around" the blogosphere lately. Just don't really feel like doing much of anything... just feel like staying in bed, all day with my jammies on.

It's a good thing I need the money, or I'd probably be ditching work. haha.

Anyway, that's it. The end.