Thursday, January 6, 2011

Winter BLAHs

I am not a fan of winter. I am not a fan of snow. I am not a fan of dark and gloomy days. I am not a fan of cold. It's bad here too because when the inversion hits, everything is foggy and smoggy, and you can't even hardly see the mountains.

In the winter is when I feel depression tugging a little harder and hanging on a little longer than at other times. It often starts before Thanksgiving and I start to get this feeling that I want to crawl into bed, cover up and not come out until Spring. One lady accused me of having no Christmas Spirit. It's not that. I love the holidays -- the true meaning of the holidays, anyway. I love spending time with family when they come. But it's just the gloomy feeling of... I dunno... everything.

I made it through Christmas and the kids and I enjoyed it. I forced myself to get the tree up and decorated. One of these days, I will force myself to take it down. But in my defense, today - January 6th - is the day of the Epiphany. So, technically, in old Christian traditions your tree is supposed to stay up through today anyway. Regardless, I am going to try really hard to take it down before March... which is what happened a few years ago, haha.

I am a believer that I am in charge of my own attitude. I can get up and choose whether to be happy or not be happy. I am the one who chooses my reaction or pro-activeness to the events that will take place today. And, for the most part, I'd say I am pretty good about staying upbeat and positive. But that doesn't mean I still don't have this... feeling.

I can't really put it into complete words. And I know that men especially have a hard time understanding. Whenever I try to talk it out with a guy he doesn't really "get" it and usually tries to give me advice to FIX it. (Why can't men just listen and then comfort without trying to FIX it?) But like yesterday for example, it was a great day. I had fundings and closings and new orders at work. I went to lunch with a great group of people. I ate the best salad and made the best cinnamon rolls. I checked online and saw that all of my financial aid paperwork was finalized for the semester. I had a relaxing evening. And yet, there was this lump in my throat all day. The lump that forms when you are on the verge of tears. That lump. I have that on most days when I feel like this. And yet it isn't like there is any one thing that is making me want to cry. And usually, I avoid people when I get like this, to minimize any trigger for tears.

I don't like people to feel sorry for me -- so please do not leave the "I'm sorry you're feeling that way" comment. I just blog about it, because perhaps it helps me make more sense of it in some way. I don't take medication for it because I don't feel it is severe enough and I am not a good pill swallower. Having to swallow pills makes me have anxiety, haha. But I do what my counselor has referred to as "talk therapy" and I find it helps. I guess that is more of what this is, "talk therapy" by way of "blog therapy". I know I must be rambling... and this may or may not make sense.

Anyway -- back in "the day" when I was married had a good job and 2+ incomes, I often shopped. People joke about "retail therapy", but it's a real thing. When I'd feel down, finding something on sale was a quick pick-me-up. Often times, the purchased items weren't even for me. Nonetheless, I felt better. Well, that's not an option anymore. So, I am back to the "talk therapy". I don't like talking too much about it, because again, I don't want the pity. Also, I don't like being a Negative Nelly and feel like I'm whining or something. I tend to keep it in if it isn't funny or positive or upbeat.

I am hoping that once school starts up on Monday I will be too busy to be fully aware of this gloomy feeling hanging around my head and my heart.

Anyway -- so that is why I haven't been "around" the blogosphere lately. Just don't really feel like doing much of anything... just feel like staying in bed, all day with my jammies on.

It's a good thing I need the money, or I'd probably be ditching work. haha.

Anyway, that's it. The end.


BlueCastle said...

I'm sorry. Wish I could give you a hug in person.

greenolive said...

I feel gloomy in the winter too. If the coldest it got was 50 deg. I'd be very happy. I start feeling the dread of winter around Halloween. The air begins to get crisp and I know it won't be much longer. I've never done the retail therapy but I do love to cook. That's what I do. I get to stay inside, stand in a warm kitchen, stuff myself, and then relax on the couch.
I'm changing the topic, but I was just thinking today that we need to plan something on the non-reunion years to get together. I could come out there once and you could come out here once. I think we need to do it. We both have this too strong tug to be near family.

Susie said...

Winter will do that to you:-)

Paige said...

I am not a fan of winter either--it makes everything so hard. I could sleep all day every day

Puphigirl said...

I will get the blahs occasionally. Kyle will ask if I'm depressed, sick, or if it is PMS. Usually it is none of those, I just feel withdrawn or quiet for no apparent reason. Often I spend that time just lying on the couch watching TV, or reading.

RhondaLue said...

I didn't blog for nearly a month because I just wasn't "feelin' it"...didn't want to complain but also felt I would if I started so I just skipped it altogether! :/

But I'll tell you that when I feel that way I avoid people like the PLAGUE! I don't want to cry or cause a scene and I also don't want pity...and I feel I'm more fault-finding when I feel that way and just want to avoid all that as well. Sometimes living with ourselves isn't so easy!

okeydokeyifine said...

Women have a natural "cry" in them that needs to come out. Men do not get this, figuratively and actually. Thank goodness for "feel good" movies or books.
It is a stabilizer or balancer, unless it gets out of control. Then it is dangerous. No good can come from a crying jag that goes on out of control. Same thing with eating or shopping or gambling or...well you get it. Moderation in all things. That includes tears. We need to cry and so we should. The End.