I Have Blurtitis

blur·ti·tis [bluhr-tahy-tis]
noun Pathology.
1. Inflammation of sudden or inadvertent dialogue; the disorder of divulging impulsively or unadvisedly.
noun
2. The act of blurting out
3. The state of blurting out.

Not.Even.Kidding.  I'm pretty sure I have this.  Don't worry though, I don't think it's something you can catch.  It seems to be something you're either born with or you're not.  And while some patients have early onset of the disorder and are later able to overcome it, others - like me - carry it with them in their adult years too.  And in even a smaller percent (again, like me) the condition seems to worsen over time.

Unlike Tourette Syndrome, Blurtitis isn't a sudden onset of tics; rather it's when one blurts out their own thoughts, feelings or opinions.  There are many who tend to have a case of "Aggressive" or "Abrasive" Blurtitis.  Luckily, I don't fall into that category.  I am fairly passive and don't always feel the need to "tell it like it is" to prove a point or to call others "out", or anything like that.  No, that's not me at all. I avoid confrontation like it's the Plague.

I tend to blurt out the questions pressing on my mind, or the thoughts that I've been mulling over for some time already.  I have many curiosities and tend to just ask, even if it hasn't been on my mind.  If something seems amiss, I process it in my mind first, from beginning to end (sometimes a 2-second process), and then usually blurt out my questions or thoughts.  I'm not really sure if the guys I've dated find this refreshing, a bit intimidating, or a little of both, but I can tell by their expressions or long, awkward pauses that I have caught some of them by surprise before.

Oh well...  maybe one day I'll find a cure. Haha.

Apparently, I'm a Cruise Director

Recently I attended a 3-day conference.  There were going to be tons of people there; tons of single people around my age that I didn't know.  The mere thought of it gave me anxiety.  Meeting new people...  [Gulp] SCAAAARY.

I remember when I first went to an event for singles.  It was this past January.  It was a religion class (for mid-singles, ages 31-45) held at a church, with a mixer afterwards.  I thought that a religion class sounded "safe" - like a "nice" place to meet "nice" and "safe" singles with similar beliefs, expectations, and goals.  I drove to the church.  I got to the parking lot.  I sat there, looking around at others emerging from their vehicles, entering the building together.  I kept thinking they already have friends; who is going to talk to me?  So -- I panicked and drove home.

A few days later I got a Facebook e-vite about a mid-singles choir that would be rehearsing following the religion class.  They would be singing for an upcoming Sunday Fireside.  I thought to myself, "Ok... I sing.  I guess I could do that."  Once again, I drove to the church for the religion class.  I made myself get out of the car and I walked into the building.  Many people seemed to already be in little groups. I panicked, kept my head down and I walked through the crowd, through the building, out the other side and back around to my car.  I sat there until it was time for the choir rehearsal to start.  For the next 8 weeks, I only went to the rehearsal.  Slowly, I began to make friends. Then I finally got brave to start attending the class, even though I usually sat by myself near the back.  I quickly learned that I loved the class, even if I didn't socialize much afterwards.  The mid-week inspiration was something I needed to help me get through my week.  All of a sudden I loved going, and I even started attending the mixers [briefly] afterwards.

Then one night, someone approached me about attending a dinner group for that weekend.  I decided to go for it. So, I met 15 other people around my age and we ate, we talked, we played games and I truly had fun.  I told some of them they should start coming to the religion class.  The next week, many of them showed up.

A new girl came and ended up sitting right in front of me during the class.  I could tell by her nervous glances around the room this was her first time.  I had a pretty good idea what she was thinking.  So, after the class I leaned forward and introduced myself to her.  She stayed by my side during the mixer as I introduced her to all of my other new friends.  She remarked how I seemed to know "Everyone"; I thought that was ironic.

A few weeks later I signed up for a day trip activity with the singles group.  I volunteered to be one of the drivers.  I figured, if I drove I could always be busy "concentrating" on the road and therefore not feel left out if no one talked to me.  When the cars met up at the diner to eat, I introduced my car-load to a few others I happened to know.  Then the following Wednesday, I introduced those new friends to my other new friends.  And that is typically how it's been since --I introduce myself to new people, especially if they are standing alone, and because I don't want them to feel like I did, I introduce them to everyone else I know.

Anyway - fast forward to this conference a few weeks ago.  I met lots more new people during this seminar or that workshop or this dinner, and I made several more introductions.  I skipped the final Saturday workshop to find some Excedrin at the nearby Target.  When I got back the workshop wasn't quite over.  I noticed a few people hanging out in the gym, so I went in there.  I talked to a few of the guys and they were preparing for a gaming session that was next on the agenda.  They were short one person and asked if I would help.  I jumped on that.  If I had a task, I could be busy with that and not feel left out.  As the different groups came in and out of my game, I met lots more people and later that night at the dinner, karaoke and dance, I introduced many of them to many others.

The Sunday evening, following the Fireside, there were refreshments.  2 girls I had met the previous day stopped me to ask me a question about the conference. When I gave them the answer the one said to the other, "We knew someone in charge would know!"  As they walked away, I had to laugh to myself.  I was not in charge of ANYTHING during the conference.  Why would they think that?

I walked over to some of my friends and mentioned how those girls mistook me for someone in charge.  One of my friends laughed and said, "Yeah -- we've been watching you.  You just gracefully move from one group of people to the other, making sure everyone knows each other; plus you helped with that game."  I shrugged, supposing that made sense.

When I told my sister about that last week she said, "So, you were like the cruise director; making sure everyone was having fun and no one was left out."

Later that night I attended a party where I didn't really know anyone.  I knew OF 2 of the girls there, but didn't really KNOW them.  So, I took a deep breath, shoved my anxiety down into the depths of my chest and walked up to someone standing alone and struck up a conversation.  As soon as I began to talk to her, I heard my sister's words in my head...  "cruise director".  

I don't know why I think "I" need to be the self-appointed cruise director.  I mean, really - who do I think I am?

Luckily a few more friends showed up and I could relax and just hang out like "normal" people the rest of the evening.

I've Decided...

...I am going to be famous.

Not like international rock-star fame, or anything like that.  But, I've decided that I am going to become known, because I am a writer and I am going to get published.

I don't care how many rejections I get or how long it takes, I NEED to get published -- and not, like, SELF-Published.  Like for REAL published. And I will make money from writing and from getting published and people will want to buy my book.

When I was a kid, I was used to getting what I wanted.  And I don't mean things like a new bike, name-brand jeans, a pony or more candy.  I wasn't spoiled like that.  I mean, if I wanted something bad enough, I didn't let things stand in my way.

When we moved too far to go to our piano teacher, I continued by teaching myself.  By the time I got to high school I competed in piano, and even won the talent award in the Junior Miss pageant with a piece I arranged.

When I was a freshman in high school, I decided I didn't want to stay in Indiana the rest of my life; I wanted to see the world.  As soon as my dad had told me that there was a church school in Hawaii, I applied.  The first response I received was that I applied too early for early acceptance, but to keep my GPA up and reapply the following year.  As a sophomore, I reapplied.  I received early acceptance by the time I finished my sophomore year, conditional upon my maintaining a 3.65 GPA, which I did the rest of high school.  BYU-Hawaii was the only school I applied for and that is where I went.  It never occurred to me I might not get in.

There were other things too.  I auditioned for show-choir in high school and then the Indiana All-State choir,  and in college I auditioned for concert choir and I made the cut each time. The year I auditioned for a major role in the school musical, I got it.

In any job I've ever had I have always been promoted; even as a teenager at the drug store. It was my responsibility to walk the floor, make sure everyone had their breaks and then close the store at night, secure the safe and set the alarm.  I was 16 years old - and I loved it.

Drive and Passion.  That is what I used to have, and that is what I am determined to have again.

Mark my words...  I will be famous one day.  I have to, because -- I've already decided.

To Be or Not To Be... Offended.

I offended someone. Big surprise. Probably not the first time, and I am almost certain it won't be the last.

I don't say that to be mean. I say it because it was bound to happen. Sooner or later we [probably] all say things that may offend someone else, even if it wasn't our intention.

That's the case here. It was not my intent to offend. I didn't even know the other person was having a bad day. He was laughing and joking with the rest of us in the group.

FAAACTUH: I poke fun at myself, I kid around with others and sometimes I am a bit sarcastic. But my sarcasm isn't to be mean. And normally, I do it in an obvious way (or what I perceive as obvious) so that they know I am only kidding. Like I said, though. I can also take it. I figure if I dish it out, I HAVE to be willing to take it.

For example, typically when someone teases me, I usually reply with, "As if that's my only problem." I wasn't always so laid back. But I suppose I finally came to a realization that it is not worth it to get upset or easily offended over the little stuff. Besides, I learned life is a lot more funnier if I can laugh at myself. Not to say I never allow my feelings to get hurt. Because on occasion I have and on occasion I do; mostly when I am tired.

As far as joking around goes, I am a big proponent of knowing your audience. For example, I probably wouldn't be sarcastic during a job interview or a funeral or someplace where it would be inappropriate. And typically I only venture into that side of humor when I really know the person well. However, my [often mis-interpreted] humor can sometimes manifest itself if I am feeling anxious around certain people, especially if I feel like I do not fit in. It can also kick in as my way of dealing with someone who completely irritates me.

Anyway -- back to the incident. He was laughing and joking in the group and he made some funny comments, one after the other actually, that really set up some nice comebacks for the rest of us. I thought we were all engaging in banter. There wasn't anything in his demeanor that led me to believe he was feeling anything but enjoyment.

Then -- 2 nights later -- in a text he tells me that *I* made him "sad". That he was feeling like the group was "kicking him while he was down." Immediately I said sorry. I told him that I was sorry we offended him and that if we would have known how he felt, we would have left him out of the joking around bits. I thought that would be the end of it. But no.

He proceeded to go on and on about it. It got to the point wherein I felt like he was trying to make me feel guilty about the entire ordeal.

I finally explained that sometimes I use humor and sarcasm in a new setting when I am anxious or when I am with really good friends because we know each other well enough to take it. I wasn't trying to make an excuse, only explaining the situation. I couldn't figure out why he couldn't let it go after I had already apologized. I think by this point I had texted "I'm sorry" at least 2 more times, so a total of 3!

His response to my explanation was more or less a line of questioning regarding my relationship with God. He basically said I should be praying a minimum of 2 times per day and reading my scriptures daily and that God could help me overcome such unhealthy habits.

Ex-SQUOOOOZE me?

Yep. You read that right. Am I wrong to think he was trying to manipulate me into feeling like a bad person because I UNINTENTIONALLY offended him?!?!?! Good grief! Oh and FYI -- personality traits are not the same as bad habits.

Like, how in the world would he even know how often I prayed or studied?!?!?! I wanted to bob my head and retort, "You don't know me!"

Instead, I politely but firmly replied that while my level of faithfulness is not his business I value my relationship with God and feel that I am in a good place, doing the best I can in this moment of my life, especially with everything I've got going on. I further explained that I will not allow the power of my happiness to be given over to anyone, and that I have finally come to a point in my life wherein I love me!

Yep. Ain't no shame. I love the person I have become!

Not to say I never make a mistake and I have things I am always trying to improve upon. I believe we can always be learning something. But using humor as a way to cope with life is how I do. It is a part of me. I come from a long line of story-tellers and funny people. It's in my genes. Not.Even.Kidding. Not that I am always funny either. Just saying... it's who I am and I LIKE it.

So, NEWS FLASH: I will NOT apologize for being me.

I did offer this as a solution: "I think it would be best in the future if you speak up and tell us if something is bothering you and I will know from now on that you are sensitive to sarcasm and I will refrain from using it. I think this is the only way we can successfully be friends."

His response was that he was "ditching" me as a friend but that he just wanted to give me feedback on my friendship abilities first, "just like a teacher would critique you on your writing," he wrote.

WHAT.EVER. Dude... seriously? Let me fill you in on a little secret. I WANT feedback from my teacher. In fact I PAY for it -- with Tuition. It's my way of ASKING for it. I don't recall ASKING you for Friendship feedback. Plus -- have you seen my FB friend list? Not exactly a shortage in the friend department. Not bragging. Just sayin'...

Oh - and one more thing... He was so bent on trying to "punish me" and make me feel guilty, that he couldn't even see how his accusations about me and my religious faithfulness might be offensive.

I think about all of the times I have been offended in my life. Most of the time I never even bring it up to the other person, because after I take some time to cool down I ask myself what their intentions were. And more often than not, I come away believing that people do not intend to offend.

People are just people. We all have different personalities. Some appreciate sarcasm while others do not. Some want to coddle and be coddled while others (ME) find it smothering. Some like to be blunt and to the point while others find that too harsh and mean. We have different personalities, ergo the likelihood of any one of us offending someone else exists.

Only once did I feel like someone was just lashing out to be mean and she continued to do it over and over. I finally called her on it. She ended up apologizing, for which I thanked her, and then - here is the key - I let it go!

Bottom line. I believe that if we get offended, it's our choice to take offense. Often times the knee-jerk reaction is not the best path. My knee-jerk reaction would have been to tell this guy that he had some nerve acting all self-righteous and how dare he question something so personal to me and who does he think he is and isn't he just the pot calling the kettle black, after all he just offended me!!! But I didn't say those things. I am no longer irritated and I do not hold grudges.

Truth be told, I think he was feeling like crap cuz things in his life aren't going his way at the moment. I suppose he needed someone to take it out on, someone to blame. Might as well be me, right? I will say this though... I do not like drama. And Man-Drama is even worse. Bleh.

So where does that leave us? To be or not to be offended? The choice is yours.

Christmas Crazy!

So, it sort of went down like this.

I wasn't sure that I'd be able to give my kids much of a Christmas this year. I was stressed. I was worried. I had gotten them a few things throughout the year, like a $10 pair of jeans from Gap when they had their back-to-school sales or a pair of $7 shoes from the outlet mall on black Friday. Then there were a few books I had found for 50% off at last years book fair and the PJ's I found at the Old Navy Outlet for $7 a few months back. So, I did have a few things. But we're talking very few things.

I had received a few things from others to help fill the gaps. It was a huge burden lifted. And yet, I still felt like I was providing a very inadequate Christmas for my kids. I know that isn't the real meaning of Christmas. I know that my kids are not the selfish type and that they will be grateful for anything I give to them.

But as a single mom whom rarely has extra cash, it seems like we do without so much the entire year. The one time I want it to be special and to give a little more is now; at the holidays.

So, here it was, 2 days before Christmas and I received a child support check I wasn't expecting. We're not talking thousands of dollars here, or even half that amount. But it was a little extra and I wanted to get some nice things for my kids. I got off work early and from 1:30pm - 10:30pm I went Christmas Shopping.

Let me brief you with a little history. I am the type of person that is usually done with Christmas shopping even before Thanksgiving. I am the type of person that has everything wrapped when the tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving. And I don't do these things because I am extremely organized or anal or anything like that. (Well, perhaps a little.) I do these things because I am the type of person that has anxiety at times. I am the type of person who doesn't care for large crowds, driving through the snow late at night, feeling the pressure of looking for that perfect item which is sold out because it is on everybody else's Christmas list too. These things give me stress and trigger anxiety. So, I avoid them like the Plague.

But this year, I had no choice. I just didn't have the money until yesterday; until two days before Christmas. I went to Target. I went to Kohl's. I went to Hobby Lobby. I tried to get as much as I could without having to go to you-know-where. Yes, my dear readers, I tried to avoid going to Wal-Mart.

It's not that I hate Wal-Mart. I just hate Wal-Mart when there are tons of crazy people pushing and shoving and rummaging and making a mess and hogging up the aisles, and not being friendly. (Which is why I also avoid it on Saturdays too.) However, my efforts - as good as they were, were to no avail. I had to go to Wal-Mart.

I had a list, I checked it twice. It still did not seem like enough. I tried to mentally go over the items tucked away in my closet at home and I could barely recall a thing. And the things I did recall seemed a bit lame. It was loud. There were kids riding the display bikes up and down the aisles. There was a woman chewing her husband out for waiting until the last minute to pick something out for his mother. There was a man complaining to his wife that she was going over budget and "did the kids really need that?" I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I started to feel the cerebral arteries throb from behind my eye sockets. I started to feel sweaty and clammy all at the same time. My chest felt tight and my heart was palpitating a bit stronger with each tick of the clock. I was suffocating in my own anxiety.

I told myself to knock it off. I told myself it's no big deal. Then I freaked out and asked myself, "But will it be enough? Will they like it? I don't even know what the heck I am looking for!" And yes, dear readers. I told myself these things OUT.LOUD. I had become one of those Wal-Mart Crazies!

I found an empty aisle near the automotive section. I pulled my cart in, leaned against the handle and started to rub my temples. A young kid, barely 18 years old looking, came down the aisle about a minute later with a push broom. I began to move my cart, asking if I was in his way. He replied no, and asked if I needed any help with anything. I confessed, and like a big girl, I didn't even cry. Nope. I was able to hold it together as I said, "I'm having a bit of a panic... I can't remember a thing I have for my boys and I fear it's all quite lame. I want to get something cool for them; something they will think is totally awesome." I and did. After all, I think a kid should feel excited about his main Christmas gift.

The boy with the broom set it off to the side and said, "Well, let's go see what we can find." And within about 10 minutes I had something for each of my boys that was guaranteed to be a winner. And, I didn't have to spend nearly as much as I thought! The Super-WalMart Broom Boy was my Super Hero that night. Or at least in part.

As I made my way to the check out stands, I'm not gonna lie. I had my own stroke of genius too. I looked at my cart and I thought about the stuff I had waiting in the car and at home in my closet and realized I still had hours of wrapping that lie ahead. I made a beeline over to the Christmas Aisle and bought bundles of gift bags and gift boxes. Normally, spending $18 on gift boxes would seem asinine to me. But, this was my sanity we're talking here. I think my sanity is worth a mere $18.

By the time I got home and unloaded my car and unpacked it all into the living room, it was midnight. I took my shoes off and propped my feet up and began an online conversation with a friend of mine from Idaho. Chatting while wrapping seemed to helped the time pass. He finally bailed out around 3:30 in the morning. And guess what? Well, this little anxiety problem of mine? Yeah, I sorta passed it on to a few of my kids.

LittleDuckling couldn't sleep. He continued to come upstairs and ask if I was still wrapping. He asked if I needed help. I knew that he was so excited to see I had come home with multiple shopping bags that his anxiety was getting the best of him. I threw a blanket over his gifts and allowed him to come in and help me "wrap" things up, so to speak. We finished by about 5:30 this morning.

I realize I probably could have waited until morning to start. And I realize that this probably doesn't make much sense unless, you - like me, have issues with anxiety too.

But the good thing is, now I can breathe. And I will be able to sleep tonight, this Christmas Eve and feel joy that I was able to give Christmas to my children.

From my family to yours... Merry Christmas!

The Group Thing

MANY of my classes require group projects ~ even the ONLINE classes. I have heard about the group projects by others who have gone before me. It's all about the "teamwork" trying to get us ready for "corporate America", blah, blah, blah.

My philosophy on "Teamwork in Corporate America"? Well, it goes something like this...

[enter "fantasy" music here]

"Hey Herb! How do you figure we can get these JackWagons to work a little faster for much cheaper?"

"Well, I dunno, Chuck. Let me ask my wife, since I am just an ordinary man with a pea-size brain."

~Herb consults wife and returns and reports.~

"Well, Chuck. The wifey says we need to make the JackWagons think it is THEIR idea!"

"Will that work, Herb?"

"She says it's fool-proof, Chuck!"

"I didn't know your wife had experience supervising JackWagons, Herb."

"Hmm," replies Herb, scratching his head. "Me neither!"

~guffaw~guffaw~

Anyway, back to the post at hand. I get how a group project can be beneficial, and teach us how to work together to formulate solutions, etc. I get that this is the intent of the group project, anyway. But wanna know what really happens? I'll tell ya what really happens.

What really happens is that 20% of the group does 80% of the work! Growing up, I have been accused of being a little "take-chargey" sometimes. (I know... not a real word. Ask me if I care... No. I don't.) Anyway, even though I don't MIND being in charge, I don't always want to or seek to be in charge. In fact, as long as someone else [who is capable] volunteers to head the group up, I am all for stepping aside. It's just that I do not want to leave the fate of my grades in the hands of someone who does slapdash work. Why let someone else determine your success?

So, recently, in my film class the prof announces that we will have a group project coming up so we may want to be thinking of our groups. He specifically stated group must have between 2-4 people in them.

Immediately, I felt the panic set in. I did NOT want Ms. Know-It-All who ALWAYS sits behind me to be in *my* group. I am always nice to her, and it never fails that every week she inevitably talks to me before and after class. I smile, nod, give the appropriate responses, etc. Truth be told, however, she drives me BONKERS. Mostly because she is extremely outspoken and obnoxious about it. I know what you're thinking, "Sound a little familiar, Emma?" Hardy-har-har. But while I might share *my* opinions on *my* blog, it's a little different *in person*. I HATE confrontation. I avoid it at ALL.COSTS. So, in a group setting I tend to avoid any and all controversial topics that could lead to confrontation, sending me into anxiety-attack mode. Such topics include, but are not limited to Religion, Politics or Utah vs. BYU games.

Seriously, this chick bugs. She will go on and on in class, and then ALWAYS add at the end her "proclamation" at how "open-minded" she is. I'm all thinkin', "yeah... you're open-minded as long as everyone else agrees with you!" So, nope... didn't wanna be stuck in a group with her.

To match Ms. Know-it-all, there is Know-it-all-Kid! He's like 19 or something, and thinks he is smarter than the average bear. He totally has his game face on for any one-up-competition you'd like to engage him in. You've heard about it? It happened to his "friend". It happened to your friend? It happened to him. You saw it? He's been there. You read it? He wrote it. You get the idea... **sigh**

Then there is HorseMan. HorseMan is a kind and gentle creature who is taking a few classes before being shipped off to the glue factory. The problem with Dapple Dan isn't that he is opinionated or loud or obnoxious. Nope, his problem is something else entirely. It never fails that after a slew of about 2 or 3 students have made a comment in class, he will always raise his hand to add his two cents, which is reality is just a summation of EVERYTHING the previous 2 or 3 students just said; only with a ton of "uhs" and "ahhs" added. I feel sorta bad for him, cuz I think he just wants to feel part of the discussion... and yet I don't feel badly enough to want to be in the same group. I don't have a lot of free time, and really don't want to spend it listening to...uh... someone...uh... pontificate...uh... about...uh... everything...uh... we've just discussed ...

Not that *I* am perfect, mind you. I just think that for a group project to be successful, you need the right mix. The trick is to find someone you CAN work WELL with.

As I looked around the room and thought about with whom I *would* like to be in a group, Back-Row Dude caught my eye. Quiet. Unassuming. Always on time, even early most days. Takes copious notes. Never really says much, but when he does ~BAM!~ It's gold! Yes. I'd like to be in a group with Back-Row Dude, I says to myself... But how do I ask him? I've only ever done the half-nod "hello" acknowledgement once or twice (and twice is being generous) and I don't want him to think me a psycho when I charge from across the room to randomly ask him to be my group partner before someone else approaches him.

Class was dismissed and we herded out toward the elevators and stairs. And -- you'll never guess what happened! Back-Row Dude makes small talk with me. This is a good start, although I couldn't muster up enough courage to ask him about the project, for fear he would take it the wrong way and think I was "into him". I just couldn't work it into the conversation, so I let it go.

The next week came and we were again told to start forming our groups and guess what!?!?!

Well, first of all Harley-Chick asked me to be in her group. She informed me that The Red-Head girl and HorseMan were in her group too. "Hmmm.... pass" I told her. I told her I was going to be in someone else's group, but thanks so much for thinking of me! It wasn't REALLY a lie, not really. I knew that if I wasn't in her group, I would eventually end up in Someone's group, right?

Well, that night someone else sat in the seat I usually did, so I moved back one row, which was right in front of BackRow Dude and ~BAM!~ He asked me if I was in a group already and I answered, "Nope... Let's form a group!" I don't know how I managed to pull that one off, getting HIM to ask ME!!! Perhaps I created enough synergy to pull him in, hahahaha!

Anyway, so we picked our film to critique, and we discussed and made notes and formulated a plan for our project. He was very cooperative, always showed up on time, early even. And he participated and gave his feedback. I told him since we already started the work, we shouldn't let anyone else in our group - haha! But that WAS the only time I was somewhat "take-chargey" (I hate the word "bossy"... just sounds... meh.)

Anyway, I really didn't want to let anyone else in the group and ride on the coattails of all of the work we had already started. Plus, we worked well together. No drama, no overly strong opinions that created "issues", y'know? We just ~meshed~. Then after the next class, Ms. Know-it-all was looking at me. I KNEW she was going to ask to join my group. I made a beeline to the door just as I heard someone else propose she be in their group. Whew! Off the hook.

So, in our final meeting, he does it. BackRow Dude makes a Million-Dollar observation. It clicked! It was Gold! We based a lot of our presentation around this, and presented it the following week. He said he was willing to introduce the clip if I would give the main presentation. Music to my ears...

And... we got our grades back and... drumroll please... an 'A'.

So, do I hate group projects? It depends. I don't feel like I have to be in charge... just as long as there aren't any leechers or slackers or overly outspoken, close-minded drama queens. As long as there is none of that -- and everyone pulls their weight, then No. I don't hate them.

:)

Seriously?

Recently one of my brothers recently read a conversation thread I posted on Facebook. He responded that he was surprised by this "silly" side of me. He further explained that he always pegged me as being "serious".

Serious? Me?

I suppose if someone doesn't read my blog or Facebook updates they might think I am serious all the time. I guess if they have never been to a social gathering with me, they may not know of my gregarious nature, or know that I laugh so hard I can't breathe, and may even risk a bout of incontinence. If they've never been to a Girl's Night Out or on a date with me, they might not be aware of my perfectly-timed, semi-inappropriate, slightly risque "that's what she said" type comments.

I guess if all they ever see if the gal doing homework, or her church calling, or the desk part of her job, or the fact that when I want to achieve something I buckle down and go after it... I guess they might perceive me as serious... maybe.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Being serious isn't always a bad thing. There is a time and a place for it for sure, just as there is a time and a place to be silly. It's just that I have always felt a little more down-to-earth than "serious".

Which then begs the question... how do others perceive me?

Attention Whoredom

I'm not gonna lie. I lubbers attention.

I'm humble enough to admit that I like attention. Although I have always been a writer and will always be a writer, writing is more fun when I know there are readers. Although I have always been a talker and will always be a talker, my stories are much more fun to tell when I have an audience. Besides, there are times when I am just too witty and clever to keep it to myself, haha!

As a "Yellow" personality, I am motivated by fun, and I "need" attention. It's true. Yes, I also happen to need food, water, shelter and clothing. But I NEED attention as well.

I get it that not everyone is a "talker" or a "sharer". But I am. I have this need. Being able to share with someone is a way I can unwind.

Sometimes, when I haven't been able to "share" I start to feel a little stir crazy. I remember once I just wanted to tell someone -- ANYONE -- my good news. I called my friend. No Answer. I called my other friend. No answer there either. I called 3 of my sisters AND my mom. Ring-ring. No Answer. Voice Mail. Voice Mail. Ugh. I think I actually stuck my tongue out at one of them when I got the voice mail. Haha.

Some people might call this a character flaw. However, my counselor used to tell me it is healthy to be able to admit characteristics of our personality to ourselves. This is good because when we truly understand how we function and why we function, we can then better manage our behavior. For example, because I know that I am a talker, I make a conscientious effort to include others and ask how their day is going, and so on and so forth. So, yes. I feel just fine in admitting I am an attention whore.

Don't believe me? THIS is how much I need attention.

Case Study #1:

As a child, if everyone else was too busy to play with me, I'd lock myself in the bathroom and "write" commercials and then "perform" them to myself in front of the mirror. I'm not gonna lie... I was a pretty clever kid. :P

Case Study #2:

There is a lady in one of my classes who is clearly pitching for the other team. She also clearly knows I don't swing that way. Nevertheless, she calls me "hun" and "sweetie". And I admit, that I choose to sit by her. Partly because she is a very nice lady and funny as all get-out. But also in part because, as I mentioned before, I lubbers attention!

That being said, I should also mention that I enjoy giving others attention too. It doesn't always have to be about me. I like to make others feel special and important too. :)

What about you? Are there any others of you out there who subscribe to Attentiondom too? Or are at least willing to admit it? :)

Triggers

Sometimes certain things will trigger other certain things, yanno?

For example, someone will say something and it will remind me of a movie line or lyric from a song, etc. I'm sure this happens all the time to you as well.

Sometimes, the "trigger" phrase, however, triggers a memory that I have sorta been keeping locked away. Perhaps a not-so-good memory about a painful experience. Sometimes these "triggers" will trigger that not-so-great-memory and THAT memory will sort of make me realize how glad I am not to have to go through that anymore. Sometimes, I do not even realize that there is that little bit of pain left inside of me until that trigger triggers it.

Last night I had a plethora of conversations with the same individual; sorta like a firing squad of Q & A mingled with topic-hopping, followed by getting off on a tangent more than once -- Ha Ha.

Anyway, during this conversational "event" there were several triggers of things once held locked away in my mind and heart. And they surfaced. And in addition to the memories, certain self-discoveries were made. And I realized that perhaps I am stronger than sometimes I am willing to give myself credit for. But in that same sense, a certain insecurity surfaced and it manifested itself through a little emotion.

I love having conversations with a great friend in which I laugh my guts out, cry my heart out and then agree to do it all over again someday soon. Those are the best. Although last night was a NEW great friend, that feeling of comfort-- of feeling like an "old" great friend-- was definitely there. I laughed my guts out, I had ample "that's what she said" opportunities (and took advantage of them), and without warning I even got choked up about certain things. Although I felt slightly insecure about a few things, overall I was comfortable in my own skin and was just being... me.

I was so comfortable I was even the clutz I normally am... Banged my knee on a table, almost fell out of my chair, spilled a little bit of a beverage, and at one point lost my balance and walked like a drunk for no apparent reason...hahaha...yanno... the "usual" not-so-usual me. I guess I tend to be a bit... animated.

Anyway, the triggers that come and go in my life -- the conversations, the music lyrics, the movie lines, the passages from books -- which trigger these somewhat repressed memories is actually a good thing; theraputic in a way.

It's like clearing out cobwebs from deep, dark corners-- an emotional cleansing. Clearing out bad, and making room for new, good, better, best things.

Six Word Saturday

What color do you "see" me?

Pretty in Pink

We have finally made it... the "baby"... "Baby Ruth". Whenever I think of my sister Ruthie, I always think of the color pink. Her extremely fair skin and blonde hair definitely make her look Perfect in Pink.

I don't think she'd consider herself a "girly-girl" princess type or anything. But she does enjoy femininity. She loves making all of the fru-fru princessy stuff for her daughter. And she just seems to enjoy all things pretty. She loves flowers and cutesy cupcakes and adorable fabrics, etc. But she also seems to like some of the Art Deco or Retro pink.

When she was a wee little tyke I remember her loving Strawberry Shortcake. And so, I guess I think of red as her "secondary color", but only when combined with pink. Remember the Nestle Quick Strawberry Flavored Milk Powder? Yeah... I remember her loving that when she was little too. It turned your milk Pink!

Although she is very down to earth, Ruthie also likes to "glam" things up quite a bit. This is just one more reason to Think Pink when I think of her. I never felt like I had quite the right skin tone for pink. I felt like I had to be really tanned for it to look good on me. With my olive skin tones, I didn't have the fair skin w/ rosy cheek combo like Ruthie. So, if I didn't have the opposite, the deep, dark, tan... well, then Pink just makes me look washed out. But she pulls off pink rather nicely.

So, there you have it.... Pretty in Pink with Ruthie.

EJ in the Sandbox

EJ is my younger-younger brother. And I guess I'm finding through this whole "color" ordeal on my blog, I feel like I probably know the least about him than my other siblings. I was at the top of the food chain, per se, while he was at the bottom... hehehe. Sometimes I feel a little sad I do not know him as well as the others. But, we've usually lived far apart as adults, and probably because he isn't a blogger like the girls, ... well you get the idea.

I usually think of EJ as "sand colored"... beige, tan, etc. Meaning he "fits in" to just about anyplace. He's like a chameleon in that way. He can be a d0rk with the best of them or be super cool. He just seems to adapt to his environment well. He lived in the Dominican Republic for 2 years for missionary work for church and he quickly added to the Spanish he learned in high school and soon was speaking as fast if not faster than those from the D.R. In fact a Mexican told him HE could hardly keep up with EJ's speed! lol!

I think another reason I think of EJ as sand is because he has been in the army for about 6 or 7 years or so, and during that time has been out in the "sandbox" in either Iraq or Afghanistan... So, he also rolls in and out with the tide as he comes home periodically for R & R or in between deployments.

Although EJ likes the nice things of life, he isn't demanding of them... he is uber happy with life's simplest things, as long as those he loves are happy too. And finally, I suppose on top of that, his sandy blonde hair makes me think of sand color too. So, there you have it... my younger-younger bro, EJ.

Sarah is My Sunshine

My sister Sarah is next. She is Yellow in my mind, because she is like the sunshine. Just like I can count on the rising and the setting of the sun, day in and day out, I can count on Sarah to be my sunshine. Not that life is perfect or that she is perky all the time. I guess it is more that she is a positive person. The glass is half-full in Sarah's world, as it should be. And even when things seem down or life seems to have trodden down on her, she always looks for that ray of hope. I believe she also educes that hope in others. She is for sure the sunshine in others' days as she performs many acts of selfless service for others, never seeking praise or recognition, but just because she has an endless spirit of charity. She has a love for others that can pierce you right to the core, just like the sun.

When I hear phrases in songs about sun, sunlight, light, radiance, etc. I often think of her... "there is hope smiling brightly before us"... "It's a sunshine day, everybody's smiling, sunshine day! Everybody's laughing, Sunshine day!.." Well, you get the idea.

There is so much more I could tell you about her personality, but I don't want to embarrass her as she isn't an attention-seeker (like me). hehehe. Plus, I always get emotional talking about her. How lame-o is that? I guess there are just certain siblings whom you feel "get you" a little more than others. I feel like that with her, even though we rarely get to see each other.

Anyway. here is my Sarah color-collage, served with ray of Sunshine :)

Purple People Eater: Sam

Many people out there might not think the color purple can be manly. However, I think many men look good in purple. I have 2 brothers, both younger. I refer to the older one as my Older-Younger brother, and the younger as my Younger-Younger brother. Sam is my Older-Younger Brother. And when I think of him in terms of "colors", I have and always will think the color purple. He did wear quite a bit of purple growing up, and that probably has a lot to do with it. But the other thing about Sam is that he is often times motivated by fun. He enjoys a laid-back, but fun kind of lifestyle.

In addition to "fun", I also think of purple as symbolizing both nobility and spirituality. He is both of those things as well. He is named after two other generations of men with the same family name, and "represents" them well. He doesn't get all riled up over the insignificant stuff in life. But the stuff that is truly important, the stuff that really matters he is loyal to. And no matter where the journey takes him, he will be the one laughing and smiling along the way.

Rachel's Black Tie Affair

Even though black is one of MY favoritest colors in the whole wide world, I often think of the color black when I think of my sister who is just 12 months and 2 weeks younger than I am. Many people associate "black" with dark, creepy, haunted, sad, etc. Not me. The color Black to me means Classy, original, neutral, universal, elegant, simple, yet modern. I have actually considered painting a room black as my "neutral" color. Seriously.

Ok, Rachel is all of those things. She has classic taste. She has original ideas. She is elegant, but simple all at once. Black also reminds me of vintage and retro, and those genres also remind me of Rachel. I think of things that are unique, like black jelly beans. She is a very unique person, and every time I turn around she has a new talent or skill that just blows me away! Also, a lot of things seem more "black & white" with her too. So, maybe that is why I think of black. And as far as "creepy" or "haunted" go... she does love Halloween! Black is back baby!

Oh, by the way... in my search for "black" on google images, I ran across a baby crib all decked out in Black & White Toile.... I heard the jingle from Chili's in my head and thought, "Baby Black Cribs!" bwahahahaha!

All right, 'nuff said. Here is Rachel... in black!

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Bananas, Naomi?

My older Sister, in my mind, is "Orange". This is probably because she loved orange smarties when we were wee li'l girls. I'd always give her my orange smarties... I thought (and still do) they tasted like St. Joseph's Baby Aspirin. Also, she hated bananas, and I loved them. So, whenever my mom would make us lunch, Naomi would get the orange and I'd get the banana.

Growing up, she was probably a little more tomboyish than me... mostly because I didn't want to get dirty or break a nail, haha. But, when it was time to be all prettied up she could pull that off well too. I mean she wasn't a "tomboy" all the time... it just never phased her to play in trees, climb fences, dig for worms, etc.

To me, Orange is a bold and bright color. That is another reason I see her as orange; she is bold and bright.

Ironically, orange is my least favorite color. Mostly, because I think I look terrible in it. But she can wear orange and actually make it look good! Must be her fair skin tone w/ peachy cheeks! I'll see her wear a nice orange top and then I will see a similar one at the store and try it on and one look in the mirror.... yeah, not happening. But she makes Orange look good!

So, bold, bright and beautiful... that's my "Orange" Older Sistah!

My Mama has the Blues

Continuing on from our little color wheel discussion... today's post is brought to you by the letters M-O-M, and the color blue, tee hee.

Probably the biggest reason I think of my mom as "Blue" is because that is her favorite color. But also, I see blue as a "grounded" color. It is a Primary Color. My mom is "grounded" in her beliefs and in her way of life. Also, when I think of blue, I think of "Charming Cottage". I think this style is my mom... she likes a relaxed atmosphere. It can be somewhat kitchy and modge-podge, but there is also a "comfortable charm" to it. Very eclectic. Down to earth, but unique with a style all her own. My muddah...

My Dad is a Red Crayon

Do you ever see people in "colors"? And by that, I don't mean racially speaking, nor do I mean color code personalities. Just... color. For example, when you think of a certain person, do they remind you of a color? Or maybe it's the other way around... perhaps a color reminds you of them. I think I see some people as a certain color because that is their favorite color. Or perhaps it has to do with certain things they like. On the other hand... maybe I am just really, really, really, tired and talkin' outta ma butt ;)
(wouldn't THAT be a talent! lol)


Anyway... this week, I thought I'd introduce you to my family... via the color wheel :)



My dad is fascinated by lighthouses, covered bridges, and steam engines. He drives a red car, grew up on a farm, sucks on hard candy during road trips. makes the best cheesecake ever and is from Indiana, where the state bird is a Cardinal, and where he was a bus driver for years for a company called Cardinal Bus.

If you knew my dad, and saw these pictures, you would probably agree that if my dad were a crayon, he'd be red. :)

Something You May Not Know

When I was a kid, I didn't like my name. I actually had a hard time with my name until I was an adult -- just a few years ago.


Why didn't I like it? Because my name was "Different". Do you know how many times I wished I were an Amy or a Jennifer? Why couldn't I be a Heather or a Kelly? Perhaps an Angie or a Julie? In any grade of any year during my elementary school years these were common names in multiples. In fact, in my afternoon Kindergarten class at Concord Oxbow there were 3 Kelly's. Yep, Kelly Row, Kelly Webster and Kelly Koolidgeschmidt. During High School my group of friends had 3 Julies. There were so many common names, but not one person I knew was named Emma. Or at least not in my "decade."


My great Aunt's name was Emma. But, she was "old". I had heard of an actress named Emma Thompson, but she wasn't in any of the kid's movies I'd seen. I remember when adults would ask me my name and I'd say "Emma", the most common response I'd ever get was "My grandmother's name was Emma!" Great, I used to think. I have an old lady's name.


When I was around age 14 a lady at church was pregnant, and told me that she and her husband considered the name Emma for their baby. But then they opted for Emily. I remember thinking, WHY would they choose EMMA? When I was a senior in High School Kindergarten Cop came out. There was a little girl character named Emma. I thought, "Wha-???" But that movie must have been the catalyst to bring that name back. Because that year, it seemed like babies were being named Emma left and right. Even my cousin named their baby Emma.


For nearly 20 years the name Emma has been near the tops of the popular baby name list. I remember when I was 19 and pregnant, someone asked me if I had a girl if I would name her Emma. Immediately I said, "no", and then someone close to me said, "Good. I don't really like that name." Even though I was embarrassed by my name, it really hurt to have this person say this to me. But, I continued to feel that my name must not be a good name.


But then, a few years ago, I had a close friend tell me all the time how much he loved my name. And Big-D would tell me that he liked my name too. This actually made me feel quite a bit better about my name. And during the course of the last 2 1/2 years (since being divorced) I have realized that I actually *do* like my name.


It's true, it might be a "different" name for people of MY generation. But let's face it, I am different from others of MY generation. And I don't just like my name because it's "in" all of a sudden. I think I grew to like it, because I grew to finally like me... love me, actually.


There has been a lot of trials and challenges and moments of discovery and clarity about who I am. To reflect upon the things I have endured is actually quite empowering. To ponder the discoveries I have found about myself is quite exciting. To finally feel like "me" in my own skin is quite refreshing. And to finally love my name is...fulfilling.


And I do love my name now, because I love me. If I were having a baby girl and someone asked me today if I'd give her my name...I just might say "yes"... at least for a middle name.


Oh - and just don't call me "Em" without prior written authorization :) That nickname is only reserved for certain men I am endeared towards... and a very few close friends :)

Is It Just Me, or What?

Sometimes the best thing you can do is laugh at yourself. I wish I would have learned that in my younger days. Over the last few years especially, I have learned not to take myself so seriously all the time, not to worry about what others think about me (or at least not like I used to), and that laughter really can be the best medicine. What's that movie quote?? "If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna be a whole lot longer than you like." Besides, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I've taken the color personality test before. But recently I took it again for kicks and giggles. Most everyone has a primary and secondary "color code". My primary is yellow, and here is the gist of what that means....

"Yellows are motivated by FUN. You are instinctively happy and gravitate to people and situations that provide carefree adventure and playful interactions. Even under the most serious of circumstances or daunting tasks, you and your YELLOW (buddies/girlfriends), will seek an element of personal fulfillment and spontaneous enjoyment in the experience. Spontaneous play and genuine "in the moment" FUN are not merely important to you - they are as essential to your very being as eating....

you are inviting and embrace life as a party that you're hosting. You love playful interaction and can be extremely sociable. YELLOWS need to be adored and praised, especially by their partners. While you are carefree, you are quite sensitive and highly alert to others' agendas to control you. You carry within yourself the gift of a good heart, and are happy to share it with your significant other...

You are happy, articulate, engaging of others and crave adventure. Easily distracted, you can never sit still for long. You embrace each day in the "present tense" and choose people to be around who, like you, enjoy a curious nature.

You are not a boring person. In fact, you are often the life of the party wherever you go and whatever you do. You always have something to talk about, and you are constantly getting yourself into unbelievably funny situations. Potential partners love this about you because they know that there will never be a dull moment and that they will never have to worry about a lack of entertainment.

One of the greatest gifts that you have to offer is that you have an amazing heart. You tend to reserve it for those by whom you feel adored, but you give it so freely when you find that special someone. Not only do you have a great heart, but you are able to create romantic moments and memories. You are easy to fall in love with just as you love easily and openly. Your partner will know that you would do anything for them, which is very endearing."

So, yes... I'd have to say that about sums me up! lol... well there's more. But like I said, that is the gist of it. Anyway, as I find myself in "unbelievably funny situations", I wonder, "Is it just me?" or "Why do things like this always happen to me?" or "Do my yellow spidey senses make me more prone to stuff like this???

Case(s) in Point (just this past week-week and a half):

#1) Recently, I was sitting in the library doing homework. The guy at the table directly to my left bent over to get something from his bag. Total plumber's crack. So, then I sort of shift my chair to the right a little and that guy didn't even NEED to be bending over for me to glimpse his coin slot! So, in an effort to regain any ability to focus, I just faced my chair straight ahead. And I am 100% dead serious when I say that right before my eyes, Comb-Over-Man BENT OVER and was totally wreaking Crack-Havoc! So, then what did I do? I logged on to Facebook of course, to post that "Crack" was the free feature in the library that night and a warning to kids everywhere to say "no" to "crack"... **sigh** I totally crack myself up over how clever I am :p

#2) A few weeks ago, I headed to the library to take a test for school. When I got to the parking lot, I realized that my shirt was on INSIDE OUT! And it was waaaaay obvious. After much debate on whether or not to jaunt across the parking lot and dodge in the ladies room before being apprehended by the fashion police, I pulled my van into a far corner of the lot and quickly fixed my shirt.

#3) Recently, I was getting ready to go somewhere, but needed to put a new coat of polish on my nails. I figured I'd drive real carefully so as not to mess them up. Problem was, as soon as I got outside, I realized my keys were in the front pocket of my jeans. I had to ask my neighbor to fish them out for me.

#4) While at the library a second time this week, I realized - once I got there of course - my PANTS were INSIDE OUT! Doh! Who DOES that? (tee hee... me, i guess)

#5) Friday, I was shopping for school clothes for the kids. And when I shop, I don't mess around. So, there I was, walking briskly through Tar-Jay, when somehow, all of a sudden, my purse grabs hold of a clothing rack and, well -- "Nothin' to see here folks...move along... just a semi- crazy lady picking up the rack of clothes she just knocked over."

and Finally...

#6) Saturday night, I get in the van to go down to meet a friend in American Fork. I notice a total string of bird poo all down my window. Bleh. I know it's harmless since it's on the outside. However I also know myself well enough to know that it will distract me! So, I make a quick play for the car wash. I put my window down, pay the guys, and then ...uh, oh. Power window will not come back up. Uh-oh... line is forming behind me. Usually, if it "sticks", I just wait about 10 seconds and then it just fine. But, not this time. The guys had to have the ENTIRE LINE of cars BACK.UP. so I could get out of the car-wash "track". Then, I drove around to the back of the line! Luckily by the time I got up to the front again, the window had gone up. The guys were just sort of shaking their heads, laughing.

And that is just a SAMPLING of my life over the course of about 10 days! lol! In the words of Kaye Kaye... I know y'all are jealous and want to be me :)

So again, I wonder.... is it just me? Is my personality somehow a catalyst for these types of situations? Or is it like my one friend says, that while "things like this may happen to others, they are not able to laugh at themselves and put a humorous spin on it."

Who knows? But I will say this about me and my big, bad yellowness...

I AM happy (even in all my dorky-glory). I DO enjoy my "adventures". I CAN laugh at myself and I WILL always invite others to laugh along too!


For more about the color code personality test, go {here}.