This Feeling

Do you ever get that lump in your throat? You know... the one in which you try to hold back because you know it's brought on by the urge to cry? Yeah, that one. I don't even know why, suffice it to say I've just been feeling extremely overwhelmed for quite some time now; like it's been slowly brewing, and yet it's not even one thing really. At least not that I can pin point at the moment. I've had that for several weeks now.

I was glad when summer started. It meant my class load would not be as heavy. My friend let me come for a visit to Oregon, and when someone gives you an invite like that, the kind wherein you don't have to pay for everything, you don't turn it down. I thought this would make things better; and it did, for a while. It was better while I was there. I had fun and I relaxed. And then I came home, and that feeling crept back in.

I decided to take my kids camping for the 4th of July. The cost for the campsite for the entire weekend was way less than 1 night at a decent hotel. And there was a beach. I thought, why not? I took my youngest and her friend. My oldest and his friend came up the next night and stayed over one night. But my oldest has summer school and left the afternoon of the 4th. While there, everything seemed ok. Of course, it's a lot of work setting up camp by myself, but I did it, and I was proud of myself. And after the hard work, I relaxed. I read my books. I felt good.

Then this morning, I was packing up to come home; trying to beat the rain that I knew was coming. The [little] girls were not so thrilled to be helping first thing in the morning, although my daughter knows me well enough to know when not to argue. Just as we finished loading the car and drove away, the rain started. And that feeling... it came back.

The whole way home I felt antsy. When we finally got home an hour later and started unloading the car, we walked through the door to a smell that churned our stomachs. I swear, it smelled like a rotting corpse. Not to say I have ever been around a rotting corpse. Nonetheless, I was for certain something died in my house. It didn't take but a few seconds to discover the refrigerator is completely dead and all of the meat in the freezer and fresh produce & dairy in the fridge went bad the entire time we were gone. I about lost my breakfast.

All of that food...gone. The cost of a replacement refrigerator? More than I have, for sure. I don't even want to think about it right now. I have homework I need to finish before class tonight. So, I pull up my laptop and decide a quick vent on Facebook just might help me get out some of this frustration over the fridge. And then it happened. That lump in my throat that I have been shoving back for the past 5 or 6 weeks or so, finally gave in and I began to hyperventilate. The tears have started and now can't seem to stop.

I know something will work out, for something always does. I just cant wrap my brain around how and when. I know that in the end everything will be fine. And I know that there are others out there with way harder lives than I've got.

But for the moment, for the time being, I'd like to run away, anywhere and live a different life, even if only for a bit. I am tired of feeling overwhelmed. It occurs to me that this is the reason I have enjoyed getting away, being in different places, reading books, etc. I've enjoyed the escape because it is my way of pretending everything else I have to deal with (life) does not exist.

I know I have much to be grateful for. I know I shouldn't complain. No one enjoys reading someone else's whiny pity-party. And I sure I will feel foolish tomorrow for writing this today. But for now, for whatever reason, I just need to wallow a bit, before faking my way through my homework. Besides, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. Haha.

Thanks for listening... don't feel you must comment. I really don't like people to feel sorry for me. I feel plenty sorry for myself to go around, lol!

Now to breathe...in...out...in...out... this too shall pass.

Bloggy love to you all! :)

It's About That Time

One of my dear friends posted on her blog just the other day about how she is going through some stuff but in choosing to be happy, she bites her tongue to keep from crying. She then asked if any of her followers/friends did the same thing. I replied,

"I don't do anything to keep from crying. I just cry...until I am done crying. Sometimes it takes a LONG time to be done crying. At one point in my life I went for a very long period wherein I felt like crying and DID nearly every day. I think it lasted for about four years."

It's true. I spent a lot of time secretly (and sometimes not-so-secretly) crying. It's how I relieve stress.

Usually (at LEAST) once per semester I have a major-minor meltdown. Usually it stems from feeling overwhelmed, lots going on at home and work, lots of projects and homework for school... and very, very, VERY little sleep. Did I mention no sleep makes me cry?

It's when I get to THAT point that just about ANYTHING will trigger the tears. Someone might look at me funny, or say something that rubs me the wrong way. Or perhaps I get frustrated over a mistake I've made. Heck -- it could be some sappy commercial or a sad story on the news. It could even be (and most often is) the simple inquisition, "What's wrong?" or "Are you okay?" If someone even so much as ASKS me that while I am feeling this way -- Game Over. Let the cry-fest commence!

So yes, dear readers. It's about that time. I can feel it. The headaches are daily. The sleep is practically non-existent. The feelings of loneliness seem to be magnified. The homework is overwhelming. The work, busy. I can tell it's about that time because I've had that "lump" in my throat for a few days now.

I almost lost it at the dentist earlier, but I think it's because they had to crank the Nitrous up a little bit more than normal. I had to take a nap during lunch just to sleep off the effects.

So, just know that if I'm crying over "nothing", it's all good. I really am okay. No need to feel sorry for me... it's just how I "cope". Another 2 weeks and the semester will be over and I will get a few weeks off before the Summer semester starts.

I suppose, worse case scenario, if I don't get the tears out by the weekend I'll put a sappy movie on before finals next week! haha!

Triggers

Sometimes certain things will trigger other certain things, yanno?

For example, someone will say something and it will remind me of a movie line or lyric from a song, etc. I'm sure this happens all the time to you as well.

Sometimes, the "trigger" phrase, however, triggers a memory that I have sorta been keeping locked away. Perhaps a not-so-good memory about a painful experience. Sometimes these "triggers" will trigger that not-so-great-memory and THAT memory will sort of make me realize how glad I am not to have to go through that anymore. Sometimes, I do not even realize that there is that little bit of pain left inside of me until that trigger triggers it.

Last night I had a plethora of conversations with the same individual; sorta like a firing squad of Q & A mingled with topic-hopping, followed by getting off on a tangent more than once -- Ha Ha.

Anyway, during this conversational "event" there were several triggers of things once held locked away in my mind and heart. And they surfaced. And in addition to the memories, certain self-discoveries were made. And I realized that perhaps I am stronger than sometimes I am willing to give myself credit for. But in that same sense, a certain insecurity surfaced and it manifested itself through a little emotion.

I love having conversations with a great friend in which I laugh my guts out, cry my heart out and then agree to do it all over again someday soon. Those are the best. Although last night was a NEW great friend, that feeling of comfort-- of feeling like an "old" great friend-- was definitely there. I laughed my guts out, I had ample "that's what she said" opportunities (and took advantage of them), and without warning I even got choked up about certain things. Although I felt slightly insecure about a few things, overall I was comfortable in my own skin and was just being... me.

I was so comfortable I was even the clutz I normally am... Banged my knee on a table, almost fell out of my chair, spilled a little bit of a beverage, and at one point lost my balance and walked like a drunk for no apparent reason...hahaha...yanno... the "usual" not-so-usual me. I guess I tend to be a bit... animated.

Anyway, the triggers that come and go in my life -- the conversations, the music lyrics, the movie lines, the passages from books -- which trigger these somewhat repressed memories is actually a good thing; theraputic in a way.

It's like clearing out cobwebs from deep, dark corners-- an emotional cleansing. Clearing out bad, and making room for new, good, better, best things.

And Then I Cried

It happened six weeks ago.

Six weeks ago, I said I was fine. And I was.
Six weeks ago, I said I was strong. And I was.
Six weeks ago, I felt okay. Really, I did.
Six weeks ago, I didn't cry. Not a drop.

But that was six weeks ago.

Last night was different. And I cried.