Stage Fright

I know it's not TMI-Tuesday, but that ship has sailed and I am feelin' a confessional coming on. So today, it's all about my li'l ol' problem with stage fright.

It's true my dear bloggy-followers. Although for the most part I do not consider myself a shy person, and even admit to being an attention whore, there are only very few and rare occasions, I might add, in which I am struck with "stage fright".

True. I sang and acted in high school musicals umpteen years ago. That was easy. I even played the part of Kim McAfee in our high school's production of "Bye, Bye, Birdie." Yes, it probably helped that the audience sat in the dark. Nevertheless, no stage fright.

True. I can, and often times will, strike up a conversation with anyone just about anywhere.

I am not even talking about public speaking. In fact, being in front of a group teaching, speaking, pontificating, or "performing" gives me a rush. That is just the sort of attention whore I am. I love being in front of people and using my gift of gab.

What I am talking about here is using public restrooms. I know, "Yikes!" right? It's not like I have a "problem" using public restrooms. I only have a problem if someone is TALKING to me while I am trying to tinkle.

I admit. I get a little stage fright when I gotsta go and someone -- ANYONE-- is standing on the other side of that door and feels the need to strike up a conversation. Can it not just wait until AFTER I have completed my mission? Or at least wait until I've flushed and made my way to wash up?

Seriously. I can "go" in a crowded restroom, no problem...as long as no one is speaking to me. I figure I can focus on my business while everyone else is focused on their business, y'know? But, if someone starts talking to me... well, then all bets are off. I just can't seem to go.

This happened just the other day at work. I ran into a colleague in the restroom. I was headed in as she was headed out. She was at the sink while I entered the stall. She started chatting to me and all I could think was, "Seriously??? Don't you have work to do?" Hahahaha! But for reals... Can't.Pee.If.You.Are.Talking.To.Me.

Finally, after realizing that she was WAITING for me, I decided to give up and try again later. I did end up telling her a few days later about my little stage fright issue.

And as far as # 2 goes? Well, that is another blog post entirely...

Letter to the Manager

Dear Building Management,

In a time of economic difficulty, I am fully aware that sometimes certain cuts need to be made.

For this reason, I understood when you stopped refilling the air fresheners in the bathroom. I figured I could learn to hold my breath for brief periods of time while the women’s restroom smelled of backed-up sewage.

I understood when the toilet seat covers “for my protection” were no longer there. Plus, think of the work-out my glutes and quads would get from the daily squats?

I even understood when you conveniently rigged the sensor-dispenser to distribute less than 4” of paper towel per use. I figured, Sure! I could go a little MORE green and utilize the back of my skirt as a secondary hand towel anyway.

But, replacing the toilet paper with sand paper? There are some things that are simply uncalled for, and THAT is one of them. I ask that you reconsider this particular "savings".

Tenderly Yours,

Emma

Dirty Nancy

Knowing how much I enjoy blogging about Toddler Bathroom Humor [See Target and The Stinky Pee] my neighbor sent me this email a few weeks ago about something that really happened while she was in a public restroom...

So I was in the bathroom stall at Costco... I heard someone come in.

Then I heard a lady say to her child, "Don't touch ANYTHING. It's dirty."

The child said, "What?"

She said again, "Dont touch ANYTHING. It's dirty."

The child said, "Oh that's what daddy says."

The mother asked, "What?"

The child said, "That's what Daddy says about Nancy."

"Who?" the mother persisted.

The child explains, "Nancy...you know from Daddy's work. He says, 'You're dirty, Nancy.' He tells Nancy that...Yep!"

I had to leave before I busted up laughing!


I guess Daddy had some 'splainin to do about Nancy, when Mommy got home, eh?

Target and the Stinky Pee

I was out running a few errands the other day and had to stop in at Target. The frigid temperatures outside did that thing that it often does when I'm out and about, trying to get stuff done in a timely fashion. It triggered my bladder. I dashed into the Women's Restroom and headed quickly for a stall. Right behind me was a mother and her little girl who obviously had her bladder triggered too.

They end up in the stall right next to me. I overhear the usual stuff that one hears when a Mommy is helping her newly potty-trained child. Things like, "Hurry and go potty, so we can finish our shopping." But I never expected to hear what ensued next.

"Mommy?" the little girl begins. "You know that 'spare-gus we eated for lunch?"
"A-Spar-a-gus," corrects the mommy, enunciating each syllable.
"A-spar-a-gus," repeats the little girl. "Well, I think a-spar-a-gus makes me go Stinky Pee!"
"Ok, sweetie," says the mommy, obviously embarrassed by her public-restroom confession. "Just finish going potty so we can get our shopping done."

Of course I want to break out into laughter. This is just too funny. Instead, I use restraint and stifle them.

"Pee-Eww!" the little girl exclaims. "Stink-y Pee! I don't think I'm a gonna eat that a-spar-a-gus anymore. No way Jose!"

With that, a third party in a nearby un-known stall chuckles. So then the mommy can't help but laugh a little too.

"Ok sweetie," she chuckles. "Are you about done now?"
"Oh no," claims the little girl in a slightly strained voice. "I think I got a poopy coming too!"

At that, the unknown stall-lady breaks into hysterics. To make matters worse, the air bubbles she's been obviously trying to hold in until we all left came flying out with each guffaw!

"Brrmp! Brrmp! Brrmp!"

We all hear it. There's no denying it. I can't contain my laughter any longer, and neither can the mommy. By this time, everyone in the Target Women's Restroom is laughing hideously.

"What's so funny, Mommy?" pleads the little girl. "Cuz someone tooted?"

And of course that invokes another round of laughter from everyone. The mommy is laughing so hard, she can't even respond to her innocent little daughter.

Just then an unsuspecting shopper enters the restroom and declares, "Sounds like a party in here!" before entering a stall of her own. Once again, we all laughed. At this point tears are rolling down my cheeks from laughing so hard.

Toilets flush. Stall doors open. The Mommy and the little girl appear from their stall and I emerge from mine. The unknown stall-lady however, remains. I can see from the reflection in the mirror that her pants are down to her ankles, and figured she has probably been in there a while. I am sure she was embarrassed by her untimely tooting just a few moments earlier.

We proceed to wash our hands. I smile at the little girl. She smiles back. I flashed a look of condolences to the mother, who was still letting a few chuckles slip while shaking her head from side to side.

Then we exited the restroom, leaving behind the unknown stall-lady, in hopes that she could salvage any remaining dignity with a private departure of her own.