Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Over the course of the past few weeks, I haven't slept very much.  Not that I'm a good sleeper anyway, as you all well know.  But it seems to have been more restless than normal. (Here is where I save you the trouble of telling me which meds to try...  Melatonin doesn't work for me.  Ambien puts me to sleep, but then I'm wide awake 2-3 hours later.  The other one (Lunesta?  I can't remember), including the OTC sleeping aids, makes me feel groggy too long the next day.  Xanax I LOVE, and it works, but I take sparingly because I only get so many refills for so few pills per month.)

Anyway -- I am a tosser and a turner.  And probably will be until my life settles down (will it ever settle down?).   I just can't seem to turn my mind off, or get comfortable long enough to turn my mind off.  I've got all sorts of things going on, which I know all of you already know about.  Being a mom to kids, working a full-time job, being a 3/4-time student, actively involved in my church and the local "mid-singles" group (aka, my "social life"), and the gym, when I can squeeze it in.   So, needless to say, I'm always go-go-gadget-going.

Also over the course of the past two weeks, my body feels like it's falling apart a little.  My right knee is always achy.  But then my left knee decided to join in.  I threw my shoulder out and could barely move it for days.  Then I got a kink in my left shoulder causing tension in the base of my neck, leading to a migraine.  And then I woke up yesterday with a stiff neck on the right side!

I'm not writing all of this as if to say, "Wo is me... poor me... feel sorry for me!"  I realized yesterday that my body is trying to keep up with my mind and due to my malnourished sleep-life, it can't do it anymore.  I need to find ways to relax, and more often.  I thought about the last time I slept really well, and it was when I was getting weekly massages.

Because of the whole cost factor, I probably won't go back to weekly massages.  However, just like when I bought my new mattress set last year, I think I need to look at massages as an investment to my health.  For reals...  I started visiting my chiropractor again last week and while he's been putting me back together, I really do think I need regular massages to keep me going.

I think there is something very healing about massages, and not just because it relaxes the body.  But for me, it helps me clear my mind, and slow my thoughts down so I can actually process them at a pace that makes sense.  Wouldn't you agree that's worth it?

If only insurance companies would agree.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Eighteen

I am grateful that I get to wear jeans to work sometimes.

For the most part, I enjoy dressing for work.  I wear skirts more often than slacks and stockings/hose don't seem to bother me.  I also feel more feminine in a skirt than I do slacks, which I like.  But every once in a while, I miss being able to wear jeans on a daily basis too.  So, on occasion when it's a short work week or what have you, my boss allows us to wear jeans to work on Fridays-- like today!  It's good too, because sometimes I don't want to have to put extra thought into my outfit for the day.

Today, I am grateful I get to wear jeans to work.  I know -- it's the littlest things that can make me happy.  :)

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Four

I am grateful for my boss.

And no, this isn't me kissing up.  (I made her a pie for that, hehe.)  But I am grateful that my boss has been able to work with me on my schedule so I can fit school in the mix.  It means coming in late to work a couple days per week, but she also knows that if she needs extra help on a file that she can ask me.  Like any healthy relationship, our working relationship is definitely a give and take.

Honestly, once I get my associates and move forward towards the Bachelor's degree, I don't know if my job and school schedule can/will coincide as nicely as it does right now.  But for the meantime, it is working, and that to me is a sign that I am where I am supposed to be, right now.

She has also been very good with me when I need to do school pick-up, or run the kids to the dentist, or drop what I am doing and run up to the school because one of them is sick.  Not all employers are like that.

So, all kissing-up and brown-nosing aside, today I am grateful for my boss.

I'm Jealous of SAHM's

It's true. I admit it openly. I am jealous of Stay-At-Home-Moms (SAHMs).

When my children were little I worked a late night shift at Delta Air Lines so that I could be at home with my babies during the day. And although I know that the "quality time" with my children was hindered by many catnaps on the sofa while they played during the day, I enjoyed being there. I loved making their meals and reading to them in the afternoon and then having time to fix dinner from scratch before I'd head off to work. It wasn't "perfect" per se, but it was perfect for me at that time. And, my children didn't have to be in daycare.

As they got older and in school, my schedule allowed me to be the room-mother for many of their classrooms and to volunteer to run the class parties or help out with field trips to the zoo or the air force museum, etc. I even subbed for some of their classes too.

Then came a time I knew in the back of my mind that divorce was on the horizon. I knew I could not work until 3 or 4 in the morning and leave little children at home by themselves. I knew that I couldn't be a single mom and keep the job I had. So, I began to look for other jobs; get my ducks in a row. However -- I did not have a college degree. Finally I decided that Real Estate was always something that had interested me and that I didn't need a degree to get my license. I took the necessary classes and within about 4 months I passed the exams and was licensed.

I loved the flexibility of being a real estate agent. I also loved learning about the industry. This job allowed me the flexibility to work from home and even if I had to go show properties in the evening, I was more often than not, home before 9pm. It was perfect. I was still room mother. I still organized the class parties. I still volunteered for the field trips. I still participated in field day and volunteered at the school carnival. I even continued to sub-teach once in a while. But I also discovered something else I loved. By this time all of my kids were in school during the day. I didn't HAVE to work from home. And many times I would go into the office for an hour or two. But I discovered I enjoyed being at home during the day by myself. I accomplished so much more without little ones underfoot. And I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased. I went to the gym every afternoon. I loved my job and I loved helping my clients buy and sell real estate. I finally felt that my ducks were in a row and that I could proceed with my divorce.

But then something happened. The market had started to slow down... And at this point I had only been doing real estate for 2 1/2 years; not nearly enough time to build a steady clientele in this "niche" of a market where I live. As my business began to slow way down and as buyers started getting cold feet and as listings went from an "on market" period from 7 days to now an average of 30, 45, and 60+ I knew I needed to once again figure out a different job. If I was going to be a single mom, I would need a steady paycheck. And something with insurance would be even better.

The title company next door talked to me about a position, but then hired someone else the next day. The following day my grandmother died and I scrambled to make plans to go to Indiana. Well, while I was gone the girl they had hired wasn't exactly working out. After I came back, about 10 days later, they told me that if I still wanted the job, it was mine... that they wouldn't even interview anyone else. I felt that this was the answer I needed so I said yes. Things have changed a little here and there, and I've moved up twice in position since then. But I am still there. Looking back I know that the Real Estate Agent gig was just a stepping stone to get me to the title company. It was the knowledge and experience I needed to get my foot in the door.

I also knew that I never wanted to be in a position again wherein my options were limited because I didn't have a degree. So, about a year and a half after my divorce was final, I started going back to school. And it's not even that I am hoping to change jobs anytime soon. But I want to be able to have options somewhere down the road should I ever be faced with a situation like that again.

So, this has been my life that past year and a half. Work and school. School and work. And trying to squeeze time in my my kids, church and my own social life somewhere in between. It's not been easy. And more recently I've come to the realization I am burning the candle at both ends, and quickly running out of wick.

Well, back to the title of the post. Last week was Spring Break at school. One entire week without class! W00t! It was much appreciated. But I wanted to feel rested and not rushed trying to get other projects done that week. So, I decided to take one full day off of work too. My kids still had school all week, because their Spring Break isn't until next month. So, there I had it. 1 day of no work, no school and no kids. Of course I love my kids and all. But a break I desperately needed.

It was a day of bliss. And even though I woke up with a headache, it was still a great day. I took a verrrrrrrry long nap. I cleaned a little. I baked a little. I soaked in the tub. I even worked on some of my writing. I felt so great to be at home with no pressing schedule. I decided right then and there that I was completely jealous of SAHMs. Not the ones with little children under foot. But the ones that get to have their own personal time during the day. And I was even thinking how I missed the days I worked a night shift, because even then I had quiet time during the day. I even considered how nice it would be to not have to work at all. Just do school! That would really be something. To study during the day in quietness. To go to class without worrying about my kids left behind and whether or not they are eating the meal I prepared for them or if they are getting their homework done.

I know it doesn't do any good to covet. And I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side, right? But if someone asked me to describe my fantasy world, right now that would be it. to be a SAHM. I don't need riches. I don't need a fancy house or brand new car. Just a little time to relax and write and soak in the tub... without someone on the other side of that door calling me "mom"... Haha.

That's all I really want.

When I Grow Up

Ever since I was in High School I had several ideas and thoughts about what I wanted to be when I grew up.

When I grow up, I want to be a musical performer.
When I grow up, I want to be a realtor.
When I grow up, I want to be a teacher.
When I grow up, I want to be an FBI agent.
When I grow up, I want to be a writer.
When I grow up, I want to own my own music academy for kids.

As a 16 year-old preparing for college and filling out forms, I had to choose a major. I knew it had to be a viable one; something I could excel at and something I could actually do. I decided that teaching was something I could do and still have holidays and summers with my future 10 children. (Yes. 10. Once upon a time, I dreamed of having TONS of kids.)

The Plan {Otherwise known as "Plan A"}:
As a sophomore in High School, I had it all worked out. I was going to go off to college for 3 years, majoring in music education. I loved music. I loved teaching (or at least I loved public speaking). I loved conducting (what little I had done for church). Then, when I turned 21, I would take a sabbatical, and go on a mission for my church. I felt this was important and something I had always wanted to do. Then I would come home, and finish my 4th year, followed by a semester of student teaching. It would be during this 4th & 5th year I would search for my future spouse. I would graduate by age 24 and get married sometime around that time as well. I would start having babies right away and I would have 1 child per year (or try), and be done around age 35. I would be teaching high school choir and loving it. In my "spare time" -- y'know, between raising 10 kids and what-not, I would be writing and publishing books, and probably get my real estate license... y'know, to keep my "busy" during the summer.

Yep... that was pretty much the "rough draft" of my plan. But, here is what really happened.

Plan B:
Age 18 I went off to college, majoring in music education. During semester 2, I became engaged. It was a whirlwind and we had only known each other for 6 weeks before becoming engaged. After another 4 weeks, I went back home to work for the summer and did not return until 2 weeks prior to my wedding. (So, yes. We only spent a total of 12 weeks together before getting married.) At 19, I became pregnant ~oops~ about 6 weeks after the wedding and by age 20 had my first child. We moved out of state and went back home so my then newly-graduated spouse could look for work. This was just not happening; it took 10 long months to find something for him; anything. So, instead of going back to school, I took care of baby during the day and went to work at night. I did that for a year, before being offered a promotion that our budget could not refuse. I found a lovely lady right across the street from my work who took my baby in during the day and refused to be paid more than practically nothing. I kept thinking, as soon as we get on our feet, I will go back to school - maybe "next year". Next year turned into 2, and then we moved across country, again for spouse to find a better job. I was 23. 3 months after settling in, I found out I was preggo with #2, and the next year, only 3 months after #2 was born, I went back to work. I worked nights so I didn't have to do day care. That was my life for the next 7 years, and I had baby #3 in there somewhere. Finally at age 30, I left the night job and got my real estate license, because it was doable much faster than going back to school. I did that for a few years and loved it. But, by age 33, I was in the middle of a divorce and the market tanked. I found an office job for the title company next door. I liked the people, and felt I was good at what I was doing. But I didn't love my job. And it wouldn't be something I could raise my family on, on 1 income. I was 34 when my divorce was final. I thought to myself, I could stay with this job, doing this until I retire. Doing this for the next 30 years? OR, I could back to school, maybe finish by the time I am 40, and then do something else I possibly enjoy for 25. When put in that perspective, there was no choice. I knew I would finally be going back to school.

The New Plan B:
So, I was once again faced with the burning question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I already had my real estate license. I could check that off my proverbial occupational bucket list. Musical performance might be fun, but let's face it, I am not the cream of the crop there; not realistic. Starting my own business is too risky right now, and I think I may have surpassed my window of opportunity for the FBI. That just leaves, writing and teaching. Since my goal at this point in my life is a steady income with benefits, teaching it is. I am majoring in Music Education with the hopes of teaching High School Choir.

Plan Bb:
I read once that how you label yourself plays a huge part in your own success. For example, if you run often for exercise or even fun, do you consider yourself a "runner"? Or do you think "runners" are only those who run in races, or are sponsored for their sport? If you sew a lot, do you consider yourself a "seamstress"? Or is that title only held for someone who actually gets paid for it. It was a very interesting concept. With that in mind, I decided I am already a writer. I have written several books and stories. I just haven't published them. I "write" several blogs. Yes. I am a writer. I've decided in an effort to get published one day, I am doing a double major. I am also majoring in English with an emphasis on Creative Writing.

Reflection:
I never thought, 20 years ago, sitting in my high school guidance counselor's office, that this is where I'd be today. According to "Plan A", I'd have up to 10 kids, live in the 2 story house with the white-picket fence, going to book signings on the weekends, teaching choir during the week, and married "happily ever after". Funny how things turn out.

There are 3 sayings that come to mind right now. "Sometimes the choices we make are more about the choices we leave behind.", "Patience doesn't mean sitting back and doing nothing."... and... "You can do hard things."

I feel much better about my current circumstance when I think about those three statements. Life is a journey; my journey. I have made choices that brought me here; either the choice to move forward or the choice to leave something behind. Nevertheless, they are my choices. I accept that. I feel empowered to know that I am the one writing my story now, and that although I do not know what my "Happily Ever After" will fully entail, I'm buckled in and plan to have the time of my life doing it!

I am a mother, a student-soon-to-be-teacher, licensed in both real estate and escrow, and I am a writer.

The Girl Pallbearer

At my friend's father's funeral last year, there was a Girl Pallbearer. It stood out to me at first because I had never seen a girl pallbearer before. Then again, there's no reason it can't be a girl, right? I guess it's just another one of those things that we typically think falls to the men. I think it's sort of cool, actually. Have any of you seen a woman pallbearer before?

That brings me to another question. What other "jobs" do you typically see fall to a man, even though there is no reason a girl couldn't do it? (and I'm not talking about a man in the workplace, woman in the kitchen type of debate discussion...so don't go all women's lib on me here...)

Ok, so now that I've got Pallbearer on the brain, here is a phrase from a song that is now stuck in my head!!! (Bonus pts if you know the reference!)

I had a dream that I had to drive to Madison

to deliver a painting for some silly reason

I took a wrong turn and ended up in Michigan

Pallbearer road took me to a giant tire swing

That Thing Called a J-O-B

How many of you out there LOVE your job? I don't mean just like your job - -but truly LOVE it? If you do, I am jealous. I mean, my job is okay. It's at least in a field I enjoy, somewhat. But it isn't my dream job. Ten years ago, I wasn't thinking, "I hope ten years from now I will be working for so-and-so as a such-and-such. The job occurred more out of necessity.

That being said, how do some of you stay motivated to do your jobs, especially if it isn't one you enjoy? Is it all about the money? Is it just a strong work ethic?

A while back I used to work for Delta Airlines. This was pre- September 11th... pre- airline-financial crisis. The company was doing well. I worked in reservations. I worked at night soI could be at home during the day with my kids. Well, the atmosphere at night was a lot more laid back than that during the day. Probably because there wasn't as much management around. We could sort of "bend" rules. We also seemed to have tons of potlucks...that was always fun.

After a short while, I moved from the general sales reservations desk to the "Special Member Services" desk. This was the department that handled the elite frequent travelers. I could schmooze with the best of them too. The thing I loved about my job was being able to be a different person with each call. My coworkers and I would make up little games and competitions throughout the shift to make the time go by faster.

We did things like only speak in a certain accent throughout the call. MY favorite was the southern drawl and a South African accent. We had a girl that sat near me from South Africa. So, I would imitate her, and it was so much fun.

Other times, we would give each other challenge words, and you'd have to use that word in a sentence before the end of the call. They were usually random words like "pilfer" "buttercup" or "slaughter". Good times.

So, fast forward to my current job. We deal with clients day in and day out. But these are not just clients we speak to over the phone. They come into the office. I don't think pulling an accent would work. In the past, before the market got tough, we used to have a lot more fun. Constant jokes and stories. Lots of laughter. Perhaps it was just the dynamics of those in the office.

Now, with the tough market, I think we are all more concerned as to whether or not we will even have jobs in a few months. If our income doesn't start to pick up we know what the end result will be, and it ain't pretty. I tell you, the whole thing makes me feel like giving up some days.

So, I ask you again... what keeps you motivated? Or are we all just walking around in stress mode?