Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Just a Little Bruised

This is sooo dumb. I mean, what am I -- like in Jr High or something? Why do I care if the people at the "cool table" don't want me to sit with them anymore? It's not like it really matters, right? I mean, they don't DEFINE me! So... why does it matter? Why?

Not that I am emotionally scarred or "disfigured" for life or anything. It's not gonna keep me from getting out of bed, or stop me from going to church, or work or what have you. I am still going to be nice and cordial and polite and say hi and offer up the token head-nod. But I guess what I am admitting here is that my feelings are a little... "bruised" right now.

It wasn't supposed to matter; but it did. I told myself it was no big deal; but it was. I acted like I didn't care; and I don't, not really. And yet... I do (a little).

Perhaps, it matters (a little) because I used to be part of the group. Perhaps it hurts (a little) because I don't understand what I did to now be out of the group. Perhaps it's just another affirmation that I don't really fit in anymore. I don't have money like some in the group do. Everyone else in the group is married. Is that it? Was I cast out because I am not married?

I don't really fit in with the "singles" either. I mean, I have children. Where I live single moms just aren't a dime a dozen like perhaps some other places. I guess that is it. I don't like eating at the lunch table by myself. I don't want the pity-stares-while-you-walk-on-by look either. Just thinking "out loud" here, I suppose.

I get that not everyone I ever meet will like me (why? I have no idea - tee hee), but I used to be invited to the "cool table" all the time. So it isn't like I never knew what it was like. And now - all of a sudden - no more. Maybe that is why it hurts (a little). Maybe it bothers me (a little) because I enjoy socializing, and partying, and getting together to hang out. I am a gregarious person. I flock towards groups and I prefer to be where the action is. And having to "sit by myself" is hard because it isn't me. I just really hate feeling like I do not "fit" anywhere. I am not good at being a "loner".

So, perhaps, between kids and work and school and church and the gym perhaps I might have about 30 seconds left I can devote to finding a new group to fit into... lol!

10 comments:

Susie said...

I know what you mean. I am a social person and I hate it when someone doesn't like me.

greenolive said...

Well, now you have the opportunity to get to know some other people who are also out of the group. Who knows, maybe your new best friend is 30 years older than you and you have hardly anything in common but you get along perfectly. I mean who knows.

Puphigirl said...

Look for the other outcasts and start your own group and live it up.

andrew's mom said...

I have been feeling the same way lately. ALL my friends are married with kids and I am not invited to the parites and get togethers anymore. I even mentioned it to one of my friends and she said, "but you wouldn't come anyway, would you?" I thought, that is so not the point! I just want to be invited!

BlueCastle said...

I can relate. It often amazes me how sometimes it's like we've never left Junior High. Whether it's how people act, or how I perceive things. :) You should start your own "cool group". I'd join.

Sweet Sassy Molassy said...

Women groups eat their own.

Betty said...

So sorry you´re going through this. I have seen it before. When someone gets a divorce or becomes a widow, the married couples they socialized with, don´t invite the "single" person anymore. Why? I really don´t understand it, because they need the support of their friends even more now! That really sucks!

Janet said...

No matter how old you get, it will always hurt (a little) and bother you (a little), because it isn't the way it's supposed to be. Too many people think you have to meet requirements to be a part of the "the group," rather than dealing with each other as individuals.
You would totally be a part of my group. There is no criteria to meet. Well, I do look for nice.

kissypoohporter said...

i understand...today my feelings got REALLY bruised...i'm talking giant goose-egg here! i wanted to crawl in a hole and cry!! (i didn't crawl in a hole...but i did cry a little later!) i felt like i was back in high school again...being rejected by the same people again!

i just want you to know that i would sit with you...you are amazing, strong, intelligent, funny, loving,...i could go on!! i love you and i don't like it that these people made you feel this way. but i love ya honey!!! and a seat with always be open at my "table" for you!!

Megan said...

If i lived in wx, you can bet I'd invite you to my parties. You should really get together in real life with Andrew's Mom--I think you guys would be great friends.