This is sooo dumb. I mean, what am I -- like in Jr High or something? Why do I care if the people at the "cool table" don't want me to sit with them anymore? It's not like it really matters, right? I mean, they don't DEFINE me! So... why does it matter? Why?
Not that I am emotionally scarred or "disfigured" for life or anything. It's not gonna keep me from getting out of bed, or stop me from going to church, or work or what have you. I am still going to be nice and cordial and polite and say hi and offer up the token head-nod. But I guess what I am admitting here is that my feelings are a little... "bruised" right now.
It wasn't supposed to matter; but it did. I told myself it was no big deal; but it was. I acted like I didn't care; and I don't, not really. And yet... I do (a little).
Perhaps, it matters (a little) because I used to be part of the group. Perhaps it hurts (a little) because I don't understand what I did to now be out of the group. Perhaps it's just another affirmation that I don't really fit in anymore. I don't have money like some in the group do. Everyone else in the group is married. Is that it? Was I cast out because I am not married?
I don't really fit in with the "singles" either. I mean, I have children. Where I live single moms just aren't a dime a dozen like perhaps some other places. I guess that is it. I don't like eating at the lunch table by myself. I don't want the pity-stares-while-you-walk-on-by look either. Just thinking "out loud" here, I suppose.
I get that not everyone I ever meet will like me (why? I have no idea - tee hee), but I used to be invited to the "cool table" all the time. So it isn't like I never knew what it was like. And now - all of a sudden - no more. Maybe that is why it hurts (a little). Maybe it bothers me (a little) because I enjoy socializing, and partying, and getting together to hang out. I am a gregarious person. I flock towards groups and I prefer to be where the action is. And having to "sit by myself" is hard because it isn't me. I just really hate feeling like I do not "fit" anywhere. I am not good at being a "loner".
So, perhaps, between kids and work and school and church and the gym perhaps I might have about 30 seconds left I can devote to finding a new group to fit into... lol!