I was IMing with someone I knew from my teenage years at church the other day on Facebook. Said-person-from-my-past began to "explain" to me how he and apparently "everybody else from our youth-group" (according to him) thought I was a SNOB during those years.
"Me?" I questioned in disbelief. "A Snob?"
"Yep," he replied matter-of-factly. "You always had this air about you that you were better than the rest of us; or that you thought you were."
I told him...with honest sincerity...
"I am sorry if you thought I was being a snob. But here is what you should know about me. I wanted soooo badly to fit in with the other youth. However, I had 1 sister who was 11 months older and another sister just 12 months younger. And believe it or not, there was not one other girl that was my age. They were either in the older or the younger sibling's grade or Sunday School class, and I just sort of felt left out."
There was one girl, when I was like 5. Laura Lee Lewis. But then her family moved away. And then there was another girl, Carla , but they moved away too when I was still young. When I was 11 a new family moved in. Heidi became my best friend. But shortly thereafter the church building was busting at the seams... and it was already a NEW building. So, they split us up geographically into what we call "wards". Those living in one geographic location were asked to attend the ward at 9am while those living in the other were asked to attend at 11am. This would allow room for everyone. Heidi lived on the complete opposite side of the county, which meant we were split up. In my journal I had even written I was feeling a little "out in left-field" at church and how trying to hang out with either of my sisters' friends felt like I was intruding. It seemed at times my only friends were the children I babysat for, their parents, and my youth leaders.
And as far as "thinking I was better than everyone else", well let me just say that I just wanted to be good. I wanted to be a good Christian. I wanted to be obedient to my parents. I wanted to Choose the Right. I never meant to come off as self-righteous or anything. More so, I was always striving to find perfection in myself, because that is what I thought I was supposed to do. By no means, did I ever have intentions of disregarding anyone or their feelings in the process.
Anyway, this little "revelation" by Said-person-from-my-past-#1 sort of bothered me. Thus, when I was IMing another -person-from-my-past, I told him what I had learned. He said, "I never thought you were snobby. More like, "untouchable". It seemed you were only interested in guys from the other wards." I explained to Said-person-from-my-past-#2, the reason for that was because the boys in our ward were already preoccupied with the other girls. So, I felt like I needed to look elsewhere... (especially after my first love in my ward- broke my heart. Hey, I was only 15... that's a hard thing to recover from.)
I suppose most of it was just this internal desire to push myself. I always felt like I had to push myself to do better; to be better. I still do that to this day. If I think something is important, or worth the risk, I am extremely persistent at it.
I don't know why, but I just felt like I had to defend myself to both of these people from my past. I guess I felt that if any of them truly knew my heart (then AND now), that perhaps they would have seen that I just wanted to be good, I just wanted to be liked, and I just wanted to fit in. They may have also found out that I have a basic love for all people. I talk to anyone and everyone, anywhere...seriously. My kids think it's an illness. (How do you know that woman mom? me: What Woman? them: The one you were talking to in line at the grocery store. me:I don't know her...)
Lesson we've all heard before? Don't judge a book by it's cover. Simply Said, "Christianity 101".