Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Hamster Head

So, you know what a hamster looks like when he is running in the little cage wheel, right? He runs faster and faster, and yet ends up no where but right back where he started. Sometimes, I feel like there are hamsters in my head running in those wheels. I have a hard time sleeping some nights.

I can't sleep. I can't work. I'm so tired, I feel like crying. Sounds like a pathetic country song, I know. I am a little crazy when I am tired. I'm pretty sure I would be the same way if I ever got drunk. The three stages of Emma as a Direct Result of Sleep Deprivation Stage 1: I get so tired that I can't think straight. I can't complete sentences and tend to slur my words. Stage 2: I get giddy. No, not giddy - super giddy, like super-stupid-giddy. I tend to say things I normally wouldn't say like, "I love big trucks" or "I'm gonna kill you with my kisses!" I giggle like a girl at a slumber party who is stuffing wet bras in the freezer! I find that anything and everything makes me laugh. In this stage I usually begin speaking at 100 wpm. This is the stage my friends find exciting. It's a party waiting to happen. Stage 3: This is the sad stage. I start to think about all the crap that has happened in my life and I begin to feel sorry for myself (very unattractive, I'm told). The tears begin to flow, and I start to feel really alone. I just want someone to put their arms around me, hug me and tell me it's going to be ok. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night the only one around is the dog, so that's not happening. Following stage 3, just like the hamster, I am back where I started. I begin to repeat stage 1, continuing through each stage over and over again, until sleep is achieved.

When people find out that my "bedtime" lies somewhere between 2 am - 4:30 am most nights, they always ask, "Why?" as if I do it on purpose. They want to know if I am stressed or worried or excited about anything. How about Yes, Yes, and Yes! It goes back to the hamster wheel. I tend to over analyze everything!!! I have a thought, and like the hamster, just keep tossing it around in my mind. Sometimes it's stressful things like money or work. Sometimes it's stuff I worry about, like my children or siblings. And sometimes I am looking forward to things and can't stop thinking about them, like Girls' Camp, or the upcoming weekend.

"Just relax and don't think of anything - just clear your mind," someone told me recently. Wow! Now why didn't I think of that? Genius. Pure genius. Well, see that's like practically impossible for someone who has anxiety. That's why it's called anxiety. "Drink some chamomile before bedtime," someone else offered. Thanks. Now, in addition to not sleeping, I can get up and pee 10 times in the middle of the night, being sure to stub my big toe on the foot of my bed every single time! I am also told there are little purple pills that help. My neighbor tells me, "I take one of those and I have a drool patch the rest of the night." I still can't figure out if she was trying to convince me to take them or warn me not to. I am not really into the whole idea of habitually taking sleeping aids. Plus I have this whole pill-swallowing phobia. Once, when I was 16, I had some surgery done and was prescribed Tylenol 3 w/ Codeine. It was a big chalky tablet. I attempted to swallow the ant-acid looking pill, when it suddenly became lodged in my airway. It would neither go up or down. I was choking until my mother came over and slapped me on the back. Every time I try to take a pill, I can feel my throat physically begin to swell. I would rather give myself an injection every day (which I already do) then swallow a horse pill. back to the Sleepless in the Suburbs problem. My friend suggested a non-habit forming OTC drug that is in the form of a teeny, tiny, little gelcap. Nice. Finally some sound advice. I may just give it a try.

Just beware, that if I seem a little out of the ordinary, slurring my words, ranting non-sensible phrases like, "I like my Peeps hard", or crying without cause...I am not drunk! I am just tired!


ann said...

I'm so glad you found me! Yes lets keep in touch! Great blog. I love your posts!

Trudy Filbert said...

I'm glad to find you! It is great to read about your family. Sorry you can't sleep, I have no idea what that is like,,,,,I could sleep around the clock. But then I'm old. But that isn't a bad thing, Ilove being 60. Keep in touch.

Ruthiekins said...

i like the suggestion to just clear your mind. like that is going to happen. i can't do that either. derek makes me tell him stories so that he can fall asleep and i end up saying crazy things and talk myself to sleep.