I was hanging out with a friend of mine this weekend and was sharing some recollections of my childhood and teenage years. My first thought after revealing some of these embarrassing moments was, "Was I really that corny?" The more I thought about it, I realized I haven't changed all that much. I'm still me. I was just as idiosyncratic, mindless and "corny" then as i am now. Probably the biggest change is that I am not as bossy as I was as a kid (or at least I hope not). The following excerpts of my life will give a glimpse to exactly what I am referring.
At the breakfast table when we were little, my mom would set out the Flintstones children's chewable vitamins. I did not want anyone to touch any vitamins other than the one they planned to take; heaven forbid they get their germs all over MY vitamin. Therefore I took it upon myself each morning to open the vitamins, pour some into the cap and go around the table appointing each child the certain character and color vitamin they would be "permitted" to partake of that morning. Funny thing is, they didn't complain or challenge me on it. They just did what I instructed them to do. One morning, however, the color or character that a certain sibling wanted wasn't available. I insisted she take another. Finally feeling bold enough to stand up to me, she asked, "Who are you? Captain of the Vitamins???" Hence forward, I was dubbed Captain of the Vitamins!
After having seven children, my parents bought a nice custom van. There weren't any seat belt laws back then, and children weren't restricted from the front seat. My dad usually traveled or worked long hours, which meant when Mom left to go to the store all 7 children were loaded up for the journey. I took it upon myself to make seat assignments with regards to whom would sit in the front seat. It wasn't that I felt that I had to sit in the front seat. I just wanted to ensure that no one was getting cheated out of their turn. I mentally kept track of how often each child had sat there and then bestowed upon the most deserving sibling the opportunity to do so. My older sister, who was an only child (she isolated herself from the rest of us) didn't think this was fair. (She always wanted to sit there since she was the oldest.) So, in addition to bearing the name Captain of the Vitamins, I was also given the honorary title, Queen of the Front Seat.
When I was twelve Heidi moved into the area and her family came to our church. Heidi & I became fast friends. We were also both BOY CRAZY!!! As we started to go to youth dances together we would make extensive preparations and plot schemes to determine which boys we would get to dance with us. We were careful to coordinate our targets with each other to ensure that we would not go after the other's interest. I gave her several tips and they worked almost every time. These were not just skills I had honed - this was a talent; a true art form! In fact, my tactics were so effective, she encouraged me to share them with our other friends. As a result "Flirting Techniques 101" was born. It was more of a pamphlet than a book and there were 3 main sections. 1) how to attract a guy from across the room 2) fool-proof flirting and my personal favorite... 3) how to get a guy to kiss you. These methods were tested and tried by yours truly, and came with a satisfaction guarantee. (Corny, I know.)
So, I was sharing these and many more stories with my friend over the weekend, risking my reputation, and how did he respond? "So, are you gonna try some of those techniques on me?"
Like I would even need to, is all I had to say. The fact that he even asked me that is enough to tell me that I am still the all-powerful, almighty Captain of the Vitamins and Queen of the Front-Seat, and I still got it going on! (three snaps)
(Oh no, she didn't)
Oh, yes. Yes I did!