Jungle Weeds and Snake Huntin'

So, as previously mentioned, I am not a gardener. Mowing the lawn is also not my specialty. As a single mom, I am so busy with a full time job, running kids here and there and everywhere on my own, that trying to keep up with the dishes is hard enough, let alone the yard. So, my oldest is supposed to mow the lawn. However, HE has been busy practically every night. So, the front lawn got mowed twice to the frequency of the back. I am ashamed to show you - and I am sure the neighbors were ashamed of me too, but here was my back yard after all that rain we had a few weeks back...

I know, I know. It's awful. But with my bad back, I was putting it off. Finally, one night, I decided it had to be done. We also have an evil monster tree that spews large 4-6' branches ALL.THE.TIME. Anyway - this particular evening, the oldest was at a band rehearsal, my middle one was sick, and my youngest couldn't help as she is highly allergic to grass and would have had to don a snow suit just to be out there. I needed to first clear the sticks so I could mow. I get moving and the next thing I know T, the boy from next door, has hopped the fence and practically BEGS me to let him help.

"Sure," I reply. And I sort of tell him about the stick situation. AS he gathers up sticks, I notice he analyzes each one, every now and again calling out, "This is a nice stick" and leaning it against the tree. I think he was "saving" them for something. Anyway - as he braves through my jungle of a back yard, he says to me at one point, "If you had any snakes in your yard, they would be right.over.here." I am like, "SNAKES??? EXCUSE ME??? DID YOU SAY S-S-SNAKES???"

For those who remember my TWO encounters last year - I don't "do" snakes. Ewww. So I reply to him, "Okay, then. I'll let YOU stay in that area." Agreed. Next thing I know, he looks as if he is HUNTING for snakes; as if he is HOPEFUL to find one.



I got the back yard finished, and as I am sitting here writing this post, realize it is past due again. Dang teenager and his extra curricular activities. I need a Lawn Boy! ( a hot, 20-something one, who might take his shirt off would be grand!) Anyway, I was able to get it done before dark, thanks to T and it looked much better afterwards, though I still had to collect a few more sticks.

Eviction Notice

Dear Mr. Snake,

With regards to the incident which occurred in my driveway just four days ago, I must inform you that I intend to withhold my original position concerning your little visit. While I try to create a warm and inviting home, this invitation is NOT extended to reptilian creatures as yourself. Though I have been informed by Big-D that your species is not actually “slimy” in nature, I still feel that I am unable to provide you or “your kind” with housing accommodations.

When I saw you in my driveway and you looked at me with that grin, whistling Dixie through your forked tongue, I could not help but feel you were somehow mocking me…torturing me. You furthered your little ploy by feigning death, as you lay there lifeless, luring me for a closer look. How dare you insult my intelligence. It is obvious you did not know who you were dealing with.

Perhaps you were offended by my intentions when I summoned the neighbor boy Taylor to come and dispose of your carcass. Again, this is because I presumed you to be dead. However, when you practically lunged off Taylor’s stick and came at me, I was not amused. Your little maneuver caused a blood curdling scream to escape my lips, not to mention a near bout experience with incontinence. Don’t think I didn’t see you laughing at me as you slithered away into my bushes.

I realize that you are one of God’s Creatures. This should make me feel slightly guilty when both Taylor and Syd swarmed my bushes in a high-profile search of your sorry little asp. I should even feel a little guilty that Taylor attempted to bludgeon your skull with a miniature golf club. On the contrary. It is my desire that if his attack did not quicken your departure from this earth, you are at least brain-dead enough to forget your way to my house! And if by some chance you are still lurking in my bushes, consider this your Final Eviction Notice.

Mr. Snake, You are hereby notified to vacate the premises. Consider your lease terminated from the moment you arrived. Should you fail to vacate, immediate action will be taken to remove your presence, which may involve physical force up to and including death, if necessary. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to NEVER, EVER, hearing from you or seeing you again!



P.S. The above letter applies to all your family and friends as well – so spread the word!

Trail of Fears

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails, that's what little me's afraid of. Seriously. I HATE SNAKES!!!

Let's back up to the beginning... Big-D is like totally into trail running. If you don't know what this is, don't feel bad. Neither did I until recently. Anyway, it's running on hiking trails, y'know like in the mountains, hills, over-the-river-and-thru-the-woods type of thing. You should see him in his running shorts... er, um, sorry...back to the story. So Big-D runs a few times a week, and sometimes I go with him. HOLD ON - I must clarify that I am NOT a trail runner-- I can barely run up a flight of stairs without having a coronary, and I only go when he does his "short" runs. We start off at the same point, and he will run about 8 miles while I "hike" about 4. When I get to my half-way point I head down the mountain, so we end up in the same place around the same time.

So, last night we got a late start due to some earlier distractions. The sun was already setting, the wind was picking up, and there were threats of scattered thunderstorms as we started off. He's worried I might get struck by lightning plus it is getting dark, and I didn't bring my son's headlamp. Since I have a headache anyway, I tell him I will only go about a mile or so instead of my usual 4 , then come back down. It pacifies him. So, the warrior takes off to punish the trail, and I put in my earphones to engage in my nightly affair with John Mayer . I get to the first cliff, and turn to come back down. I take my time, knowing I have plenty of it, and am just sort of strolling along, singing with my boy John, and all of a sudden I see it front of me. A slithering, slimy, verrrrry long snake! Eww! Gross! Sort of an S shape. He was at least 4' long, probably longer when stretched out.

I scream loud enough to shake the entire valley below. Mr. Snake stops, turns, and looks at me!!! CRAP!!!! I freeze! I can't breathe. I rip my earphones out of my ears to see if I can hear rattling. But the wind is blowing loudly through the weeds and trees around me and it is too dark to see the Make & Model of this serpent. I begin to tremble. I have this fear of snakes that I cannot explain. I am paralyzed for a brief moment, but realize I can't just stand there either. Being that there is only one way back to the car (without hiking up and around on another 6 mile trail that I am not familiar with), I turn around and head back up the trail.

I find a place where my cell phone has reception. I execute an S.O.S. text to Big-D. It does not send. "WARNING! LOW BATTERY -- RECHARGE NOW! POWERING DOWN" What??? No Freakin' Way!!! I turn the phone on and off a few times and retry sending the text. Finally, "SENDING COMPLETE". Whew. At least this way maybe Big-D will be sure to come back down the way he started, instead of looping around the other way. Plus, if I get bitten and die, he will know why.

I check my watch. about 30 or 40 minutes till I expect to see Big-D again. I stay in an area of the trail that is wide and pretty well-lit, due to the lights of Salt Lake City below reflecting off the plethora of clouds above. I pace back and forth about 500 feet. I try to talk myself into heading back towards the car, telling myself Mr. Snake is no longer there. I turn and begin to walk back down, but just before the dark, narrow bend, I stop short. Nope. Can't do it. Not alone at least. I repeat this pattern several times, checking my watch at about 5 minute intervals. After about 30 minutes have past, I look up at the crest hoping, praying that I will see Big-D's headlamp any second. C'mon...show me the light! Whew, and there it is. Thank you, Lord, I utter with relief. I knew from the time I saw his spec of light it would be another 10 minutes before he reached me.

Apparently, he received my text and tried to call me. When I didn't answer due to the dead phone, he worried that something had happened (got bit, passed out, etc.). Isn't that sweet? I am glad when he finally arrives. I grip his arm as he practically has to drag me past the point of the serpent-sighting. Alas we make it to the safety of his Tahoe, and back to the safety of home. Yay!

Big-D tells me afterwards that there are these certain type of spiders that also come out on the trail at night and their eyes glow and reflect off the light from the headlamp. He decided that chances are I would step on them on crush them without knowing anyway, so no point in scaring me by telling me about them beforehand. Ewww! I need a shower. I just gave myself the willies again!

I was gonna post a pic of a snake and/or spiders for effect, but just googling it grossed me out enough. I trust you can all use your imaginations on this one. Needless to say, if I EVER hit the trail at night again, my phone will be 100% charged, I will have a headlamp, and possibly even a walking stick with a very sharp point at the end!