With regards to the incident which occurred in my driveway just four days ago, I must inform you that I intend to withhold my original position concerning your little visit. While I try to create a warm and inviting home, this invitation is NOT extended to reptilian creatures as yourself. Though I have been informed by Big-D that your species is not actually “slimy” in nature, I still feel that I am unable to provide you or “your kind” with housing accommodations.
When I saw you in my driveway and you looked at me with that grin, whistling Dixie through your forked tongue, I could not help but feel you were somehow mocking me…torturing me. You furthered your little ploy by feigning death, as you lay there lifeless, luring me for a closer look. How dare you insult my intelligence. It is obvious you did not know who you were dealing with.
Perhaps you were offended by my intentions when I summoned the neighbor boy Taylor to come and dispose of your carcass. Again, this is because I presumed you to be dead. However, when you practically lunged off Taylor’s stick and came at me, I was not amused. Your little maneuver caused a blood curdling scream to escape my lips, not to mention a near bout experience with incontinence. Don’t think I didn’t see you laughing at me as you slithered away into my bushes.
I realize that you are one of God’s Creatures. This should make me feel slightly guilty when both Taylor and Syd swarmed my bushes in a high-profile search of your sorry little asp. I should even feel a little guilty that Taylor attempted to bludgeon your skull with a miniature golf club. On the contrary. It is my desire that if his attack did not quicken your departure from this earth, you are at least brain-dead enough to forget your way to my house! And if by some chance you are still lurking in my bushes, consider this your Final Eviction Notice.
Mr. Snake, You are hereby notified to vacate the premises. Consider your lease terminated from the moment you arrived. Should you fail to vacate, immediate action will be taken to remove your presence, which may involve physical force up to and including death, if necessary. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to NEVER, EVER, hearing from you or seeing you again!
P.S. The above letter applies to all your family and friends as well – so spread the word!