Monday, October 6, 2008

Eviction Notice

Dear Mr. Snake,

With regards to the incident which occurred in my driveway just four days ago, I must inform you that I intend to withhold my original position concerning your little visit. While I try to create a warm and inviting home, this invitation is NOT extended to reptilian creatures as yourself. Though I have been informed by Big-D that your species is not actually “slimy” in nature, I still feel that I am unable to provide you or “your kind” with housing accommodations.

When I saw you in my driveway and you looked at me with that grin, whistling Dixie through your forked tongue, I could not help but feel you were somehow mocking me…torturing me. You furthered your little ploy by feigning death, as you lay there lifeless, luring me for a closer look. How dare you insult my intelligence. It is obvious you did not know who you were dealing with.

Perhaps you were offended by my intentions when I summoned the neighbor boy Taylor to come and dispose of your carcass. Again, this is because I presumed you to be dead. However, when you practically lunged off Taylor’s stick and came at me, I was not amused. Your little maneuver caused a blood curdling scream to escape my lips, not to mention a near bout experience with incontinence. Don’t think I didn’t see you laughing at me as you slithered away into my bushes.


I realize that you are one of God’s Creatures. This should make me feel slightly guilty when both Taylor and Syd swarmed my bushes in a high-profile search of your sorry little asp. I should even feel a little guilty that Taylor attempted to bludgeon your skull with a miniature golf club. On the contrary. It is my desire that if his attack did not quicken your departure from this earth, you are at least brain-dead enough to forget your way to my house! And if by some chance you are still lurking in my bushes, consider this your Final Eviction Notice.

Mr. Snake, You are hereby notified to vacate the premises. Consider your lease terminated from the moment you arrived. Should you fail to vacate, immediate action will be taken to remove your presence, which may involve physical force up to and including death, if necessary. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to NEVER, EVER, hearing from you or seeing you again!



P.S. The above letter applies to all your family and friends as well – so spread the word!

17 comments:

Melissa B. said...

Eeeeewwwwww...I absolute ABHORE snakes, but I LOVE your snaps! BTW, I've posted something today about the disappearance of the puzzling disappearance Blogstalker, who seems to have evaporated from Cyberspace. I notice that you're on his/her/its blogroll, so thought I'd touch base. Please drop by and weigh in on this mystery!

Angie said...

Well, that is very heartless! Don't you know how good they are for the garden?? In fact, i let my boys bring home 3 snakes this summer for insect control. Be nice to the poor creatures.

Willeyes said...

Even days later I'm still laughing and getting a little chill. EWWWW is right. I HATE snakes. Sorry, even if they are good for the garden...I can't handle them! Thanks for letting me relive that experience...ham and all:)

"The Queen in Residence" said...

Why oh why are snakes even around???? I know they have a purpose but please, go away!!!
I loved the letter.
Go check out my encounter.
http://shinershouseoffun.blogspot.com/2008/05/things-that-make-you-go-eeeekkk.html

RhondaLue said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I would've peed my pants and possibly produced some streaked undies like the one in your previous post. Holy Moly.

I don't care WHAT they're good for...I would be afraid it'd somehow sneak in the house. You hear about the toilet snake that someone discovered once while sitting on the toilet and it bit the person in the bum? They said it got in through the pipes. that was YEARS ago and I still check the toilet before sitting. YIKES!

Tulsi said...

I hate snakes and worms beyond anything!!

hollibilly said...

You're lucky you have good neighbors. I don't know what I would have done. Billy probably would have made me get rid of it! Yuck. I hope it doesn't make it's way up the street!

Ronnica said...

"sorry little asp" hehe!

The snake may be one of God's creatures, but it is also the one that Satan used to tempt man. I think that our hatred of snakes is perfectly reasonable.

mydogumentary said...

Oh he's sort of cute! haha...I don't mind snakes though. As long as they're not poisonous of course!

Blog Stalker said...

So, How do you REALLY feel about snakes? I think it's actually quite amusing. But we all have that ONE thing(or more) that really freaks us out. For me it's clowns.

Silly I know.

Have a great day

Susie said...

I hate snakes!!!!!!!

Jennifer Rae said...

Okay...so that would totally freak me out!

Ruthykins said...

i was just talking to nursemom today about snakes and you. i said i didn't think that i would be as bad as you were, but if it had been a spider then i would have been freaking out.

greenolive said...

Dear Landlady,
I have called my lawyer in response to your letter. I would like to inform you that according to the living in a house act of ssssssss anyone living in a house or dwelling must make accomodations for creatures such as myself. I have also since taken it upon myself to invite my friends and family, and even a lizard I don't like to set up residence in your yard. I do plan however to leave your yard. I have found a better place to live. I will see you shortly under your pillow.


I know that was mean. It was just a joke though as he's probably already dead.

ann said...

I hate snakes!!!! Jared and I lived in N.C. For a spell and one day i saw a snake in the drive way and tryed to run it over with the car. But it would not die!!! Jared's sister was with me and all she keep saying was kill it please!! over and over! after many times of running it over with the car it finally slivered in the bushes, We stayed in the car until jared got home that night!
I hate snakes!!!!!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

So with you on this one... No snakes allowed at my house!

Vicki said...

How hilarious! I don't know what I'd do if I saw a snake in my driveway. I'm pretty sure I'd go ahead and pee my pants :)

Thanks for submitting your post!