Triggers

Sometimes certain things will trigger other certain things, yanno?

For example, someone will say something and it will remind me of a movie line or lyric from a song, etc. I'm sure this happens all the time to you as well.

Sometimes, the "trigger" phrase, however, triggers a memory that I have sorta been keeping locked away. Perhaps a not-so-good memory about a painful experience. Sometimes these "triggers" will trigger that not-so-great-memory and THAT memory will sort of make me realize how glad I am not to have to go through that anymore. Sometimes, I do not even realize that there is that little bit of pain left inside of me until that trigger triggers it.

Last night I had a plethora of conversations with the same individual; sorta like a firing squad of Q & A mingled with topic-hopping, followed by getting off on a tangent more than once -- Ha Ha.

Anyway, during this conversational "event" there were several triggers of things once held locked away in my mind and heart. And they surfaced. And in addition to the memories, certain self-discoveries were made. And I realized that perhaps I am stronger than sometimes I am willing to give myself credit for. But in that same sense, a certain insecurity surfaced and it manifested itself through a little emotion.

I love having conversations with a great friend in which I laugh my guts out, cry my heart out and then agree to do it all over again someday soon. Those are the best. Although last night was a NEW great friend, that feeling of comfort-- of feeling like an "old" great friend-- was definitely there. I laughed my guts out, I had ample "that's what she said" opportunities (and took advantage of them), and without warning I even got choked up about certain things. Although I felt slightly insecure about a few things, overall I was comfortable in my own skin and was just being... me.

I was so comfortable I was even the clutz I normally am... Banged my knee on a table, almost fell out of my chair, spilled a little bit of a beverage, and at one point lost my balance and walked like a drunk for no apparent reason...hahaha...yanno... the "usual" not-so-usual me. I guess I tend to be a bit... animated.

Anyway, the triggers that come and go in my life -- the conversations, the music lyrics, the movie lines, the passages from books -- which trigger these somewhat repressed memories is actually a good thing; theraputic in a way.

It's like clearing out cobwebs from deep, dark corners-- an emotional cleansing. Clearing out bad, and making room for new, good, better, best things.

He Said, She Said

She looked at him, smiling and said, "I have something to show you."

"Oh yeah?" he asked.

"4.0," she announced while pointing to her grades. Then she looked at him with as a mischievous grin spread across her face. "You should kiss me now."

He chuckled. "I should kiss you because you got a 4.0?"

"No," she responded coyly. "You should kiss me because you like kissing me." Then smiling sheepishly, she added, "And because I got a 4.0."

"I see," he answered, smiling; playing along. "Well what happens next semester if you don't get a 4.0?"

Then giving him her best puppy-dog eyes and pouty lip look she said, "Then you'll need to kiss me to console me."

He laughed again. "Oh, is that how it works?" She nodded, knowing that she had him right where she wanted him. "Well," he began, "I suppose if you keep it above a 3.5..."

Trip Down Memory Lane: Summer Vacations & Road Trips

I remember when I was 3 years old we went to visit grandparents in Tennessee. It was my first fishing trip; the first vacation I remember. (My older sister on the left, Me on the right.)

Growing up, we pretty much always had summer vacations. I remember my parents starting in the winter to plan out our summer vacation. I remember my dad would bring home brochures, and they would discuss and decide and then announce to the 7 of us the plan. My father's top dresser drawer was ALWAYS full of brochures of places he wanted to go. Don't know if it still is, now that we have the Internet, but it was quite the collection back then. Sometimes our vacation was visiting relatives in Tennessee or going fishing in the U.P. of Michigan. And sometimes it was a "big deal" like visiting Canada and Niagara Falls. Most of the time, though, money was tight for our family of nine, so our summer getaway was simply a weekend of camping. I have fond memories of Turkey Run State Park as well as other camping trips. And of course, no matter where we went, we always traveled by car.

"I don't always enjoy roadtrips NOW because..." (CONs)

• I hate being the only adult driver.
• I hate driving in bad weather
• I hate trying to stay awake, or worse, having to take a "cat-nap" at a truck stop. (too vulnerable)
• Sometimes the kids get restless and get on each other's (or my) nerves
• With kids we have to make more pit-stops along the way, thus adding a little more time here or there.
• It is a reminder that I no longer work for the airlines, therefore giving up my free-flight benefits.
• I worry if my vehicle will make it, or if I breakdown in the middle of nowhere.
• As a single mom, I feel a little more vulnerable while traveling or camping.

"But...I also like Road Trips because..." (PRO's)

• They bring back memories from when I was little.
• I love seeing new places along the way.
• I enjoy "scenery".
• I get to eat junk-food to keep me awake!
• I like the "bonding" with the kids...(even though now they watch dvd's and have ipods, etc).
• I like planning my routes, and gauging my time and feel a sense of accomplishment when I am "making good time".
• I have a great sense of direction and rarely miss a turn. So, I guess I feel like it's something I'm "good" at.
• It feels like an adventure, and I love adventure.
• I know that there is another adventure waiting for me when I get "there".

How about you? Do you enjoy roadtrips? What are YOUR pro's & con's?

Dont' Forget to Wipe!

Recently I read an article by Kate O'Brien entitled, "Our Guide To Being An Embarrassing Parent". O'Brien suggests that this is somehow a rite of passage for every child. The article discusses the obvious things such as spit baths and calling your teens by their "pet" names (sugar-buns) in front of their friends.

Comedian Arabella Wier suggests shouting out of the window really loudly as you drive past: "Don't forget to wipe properly, those stains will never come off, wipe front to back." But the consensus is: whether or not a parent means to embarrass their teen or not, it still happens and it doesn't take much.

Last weekend Big-D & I were hanging out, discussing this very concept of parents embarrassing children. We compared notes and laughed and laughed until I couldn't breathe any longer. What were our parents thinking???

Big-D played basketball for the local Jr. Jazz league. During practices, if a player missed a lay-up shot, his dad would chase them around the court. Ok, so the coach rides his players a little hard, I thought. Oh no, Big-D tells me. His dad was not a coach... just a spectating parent that decided to "get involved".

As far as sporting events go, I remember when my sibs & I were all enrolled in Middlebury Summer Little League. It was pretty much The Thing To Do in our town every summer. My mom worked nights and attending our early morning games was somewhat of a sacrifice for her. Now you must realize that normally, NurseMom has a low speaking voice and always sang alto in the church choir. However, something I learned about NurseMom that first summer is that her "cheering voice" is high-pitched. She would sit in the stands and yell something lame and embarrassing like "whoo-hoo" or "goooooooo Emma!" in her high-pitched screechy voice. Fellow teammates would always inquire, "Is that your mom?" Ummm.....what? Did you say something? Talking to me? But as NurseMom started picking up more hours on the night shift, she began to park out behind center field and watch the games between catnaps in her reclined front seat. Yes, that is a good place. Watch the game from there, I used to think.

Both Big-D & I also agree that our parents lacked a little fashion sense as well.


As far back as I can remember, MrBusDr always wore a Swedish-style Wigéns driving cap, completing the ensemble with a toothpick in his mouth. (Still Does.) I also remember the first time I saw him in blue-jeans. Whoa! That was a shock to the system. By the way - the hat never embarrassed me. It's just funny that while other dads wore ball caps - my dad wore this. Poor Big-D...his dad always wore an old knit hat.


MrBusDr got off easy because he was out of town a lot. His opportunity to embarrass his children wasn't nearly as exorbitant as NurseMom's.

Case in Point: "All Skate, Everyone Skate"

In elementary school, we had "roller skating parties" at the local roller rink. There was always a plethora of adult volunteers from the PTO (Parent Teacher Organization). Nevertheless, NurseMom insisted on coming. Heaven forbid she be like the other "cool" parents that could care less about their kids and just drop them off and pick them up afterwards. NurseMom came to the roller rink. And not only did NurseMom come, but she skated! And not only did she skate, but she was a bit of a show-off (NurseMom, you know this is true! Don't try to deny it!)

NurseMom would be wearing her "comfy" pants - the polyester pants with the elastic waistband. However, because there weren't any pockets, and her regular "big" purse could get stolen, she would bring along her Rabbit Fur Pouch (straight from the 60's) and safety pin it to the waistband of her pants. Now, that was attractive!

But not only did she wear the pants with the rabbit pouch tied to her hip and then skate... She was a totally awesome skater!!! She could skate forward AND backwards, and do figure eights, and whip in and out and around all of the little kids who were continually stumbling. And she did all of this with a great big smile spread across her face.

You didn't see other parents doing that. Nope - other parents were sitting on the side, knitting or reading their books, or chatting with other moms from the neighborhood. I remember once, while NurseMom was exhibiting her free-style skatin' skills, one of my friends said, "Wow! Look at that lady go! I wonder who's mom that is!" I was like, "uh.....let's go get some Nachos."

Now that she's older, I don't really know if NurseMom still enjoys skating or not. But I did recently see a Skating Granny Club... Perhaps she could look into that. I am sure that Polyester Pull-on Pants and faux Rabbit Fur Pouches would be totally welcomed.

As I was describing the aforementioned events to Big-D, between gasps of air and wiping the tears from my cheeks, I started to wonder what I have done or still do that perhaps embarrasses my own kids. I decided to ask.

Mindless Banterer: What have I ever done to embarrass you?

LittleDuckling: Nothing, really.

FunnyMan: Don't worry, she will. Give it time.

LittleDuckling: (shrugs shoulders and turns back to his Lego space city he is building).

Mindless Banterer: What about you? Have I ever done anything to embarrass you?

FunnyMan: Many Times.

Mindless Banterer: When? How?

FunnyMan: How about that time you had "the talk" with me about The FriendGirl during the middle of carpool?

Mindless Banterer: And You?

PrettyPrettyPrincess: Yes. Wait - is this for your blog???

Mindless Banterer: Yes.

PrettyPrettyPrincess: Ummm...Well, you sang in the car, when we were picking up my friends. You were singing a John Mayer song. My friends thought you were weird...so did I.

Mindless Banterer: Hmmm.

PrettyPrettyPrincess: Oh and...you also had your iPod at the store once and you were listening to it and so then you start shaking your bum-bum in public and singing along. It was so embarrassing.

See, now the funny thing is that I don't recall such said events -- or at least not the same way they do. I remember having a discussion about The FriendGirl in carpool, just not the discussion. And I am sure I was singing a John Mayer song in the car...When am I not listening to John Mayer? And besides, I don't sing that bad. Perhaps it was the drool patch that embarrassed them... And shaking my bum-bum in the store??? I have no such recollection. I plead the 5th!!!

That being said, I wonder how much my own parents were aware of the things they did that embarrassed us? Did NurseMom know that all eyes were on her during her Amateur Skating Exhibition? Maybe not. But, I am sure that MrBusDr knew that he parked in the Handicapped spot and then pretended to limp into the store (before laws were in place). I mean, how could he not have known?

I am sure that NurseMom takes great pleasure in knowing that my own children think I am embarrassing and that she - "Gram" - is cool! However, for the record... a few of FunnyMan's friends have actually told him I AM COOL! Yes - it's true - I've heard it myself. I think this also embarrasses him. He doesn't get it. But perhaps he doesn't realize just how un-cool they think their parents are - hahaha. Grass is always greener, eh?

In all actuality, looking back, NurseMom wasn't so bad. If it weren't for her individuality, I would not be the Mindless Banterer I am today.

And I definitely wouldn't have these great stories to tell - that's for sure.

Let's Play the Memory Game!

Ok - My friend Ann started this one... wanna play?

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory of me. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty fun to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

Mother's Day

I am the worst daughter on the planet! So, yesterday was Mother's Day, which really meant more work for me - ha ha. Got up, got the kids up, got ready for church (work). Had to play the piano for the children who sang to their Mothers at church(work). Afterwards, went home, made a nice "Mother's Day Dinner" of pot roast and gravy, creamy homemade mashed potatoes, and sweet corn (more work, work, work). Then I had dishes to do (work).

I was so exhausted, that by 6 pm I had to lay down to take a well-deserved Mother's Day nap. Being that I don't have family around, I didn't really have any place to be. Besides, I "worked" really hard that day, and didn't I deserve a nap? Being a single mom, no one else was gonna do anything for me on Mother's Day, right? So, this was my gift to myself.

At this point, I tell the kids I'm going out for the count and if I so much as hear loud laughter, clamorous chatter, or boisterous bickering, severe punishments will be handed out. Of course, they know the drill. They are well aware that when Mom doesn't get her Sunday nap in, the whole week goes to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks in a handbasket!

Anyway, I was so focused on me that I totally forgot to call my own Mother!!! I thought a lot about her throughout the week as well as throughout the day. If we lived close by I am sure I would be the sort of daughter that would cook her dinner or something (I was always the brown-nosing goody-goody). I meant to call her in the morning, but I thought she might be at church, and I didn't want to leave her a message. A voice-mail Mother's Day wish would be sort of lame, afterall. "Nah," I thought. "I'll call her when I get home from church." Well, all of the "work" set in and I had so much to do. Then I was so tired, and thought, "I'll just lay down for a few minutes, and call her when I get up." However, I ended up sleeping for about 4 hours. By the time I got up, I realized that she would be heading off to her graveyard shift at the hospital, and Mother's Day was officially over!

So there you have it...me...the worst daughter. Could it really get any worse than that? Yes!!! Because when I got to work this morning and opened my email, I found that I received an email from her on Mother's Day! My grandmother, Velma Louise Lawson Griffith had passed away in 1980, from Diabetes. My youngest sister hadn't even been born yet. My own mother was only 27 years old at the time. Her Mother's Day email was a tribute to her mother. Here she was lamenting her own mother, and I didn't even have the decency to honor my mother, who is still alive!

So, I ponder that this morning. If I were 27 years old (that would be 7 years ago) and my mother died, how would my own life be different? I can't imagine not having my mom around for the significant events in my life. My mother was there for me when my children were born, or shortly thereafter. My Mother was able to attend baby blessings at church. My mother was able to come to each of their baptisms, and several of their birthdays, even though she lived far away. My mother was there when I had surgeries. My Mother even came from other states to babysit my children so I could go out of town, or attend week-long trainings at work.

I have been able to call my mother and "cry on her shoulder" and she would listen without criticism. Many times, I would already be in tears, unable to speak when she picked up the phone. Before I could even get a word out, she would say, "What's wrong, Emma?" I would listen as she gave advice, and offered up words of wisdom and comfort and peace. I would hear her as she would say, "You can do hard things" and "Put your trust in the Lord", and "You don't have to do this alone". I have just went through the hardest two years of my life. I kept my burdens a secret from most of my siblings until my divorce was final. But my mother knew all along, and she worried and she prayed, and she offered up her support. How could I have gone through all of this without my mother?

And why is it fair that I get to have my mother here to support me, and she doesn't get to have hers? I don't know the answer to that. And truthfully, my mom isn't the sort of person to feel sorry for herself to even ask that question. I realize that most of the strength I do have, I have because of my mother. Most of the talents I have are because of my mother and her encouragement. Many of the good things I do in my life are because of the things I have learned from my mother.

So, today, the day after Mother's Day, I want my mom to know that I love her and appreciate her for everything she has ever done for me, for everything she didn't know that she did for me, and for everything she will continue to do for me and for everything she will continue to be.

I love you mom! Hope you had a great Mother's Day!!!

Emma