The Blue House on the Corner

The first time I saw the blue house on the corner was about five years ago. I was doing Real Estate full time and was going to list another property in the same neighborhood. At the time I remember thinking how cute and charming it was. And it is.

Not too long after listing and selling the first house over there, I had clients looking to buy and we found ourselves writing an offer on a home close to the blue house on the corner. I remembered driving by it frequently and still marveling at how well-maintained the house was. Not that the other homes on the street weren't maintained. But many of the homes were a different style; most split entries. This was a quaint two-story house, with a flawless yard, plenty of well-maintained flowers and the ever-so-dreamt of white picket fence. It was what I imagine homes in the Leave it to Beaver era all looked like if I could have watched that show in color.

Behind the door I'd often picture a Harriet, with pearls strung around her neck, effortlessly keeping home, waiting for Ozzie to return from a day's work so she could hand him his paper and pipe and greet him with a warm hello-kiss on the cheek. To me, this home somehow symbolized that American Dream; the one we were sort of raised to believe in.

The home is not extravagant by any means, and definitely more simple than not. Funny thing is, I have worked for a title company, not too far from the blue house on the corner for the past few years. Much of the time I eat lunch at my desk and work right through. I used to do this so that I could take an official lunch break to do school pick-up in the afternoons. But I didn't have kids to pick up during the summer, and now that FunnyMan can drive, I don't always have school pick-up now either. Now, I look forward to actually getting "away" for lunch.

Many times for lunch, I drive over to the church behind the blue house on the corner. There are lots of trees there and plenty of shade. I can park and eat my lunch and take a nap or phone a friend, or catch up on Facebook via my phone or what have you. It's like my "spot", my thinking place, a place of solace for me.

I hadn't realized until recently that the blue house on the corner had such an impact on me. I'd drive past it every time to go to the church and I realized after about three days in a row that I would actually smile whenever I saw it. So, of course the way my brain works I had to ask myself 'why' I was smiling and at 'what' I was smiling. I knew it had something to do with the house.

It is still perhaps too enigmatic to completely put my finger on. All I know is that I love driving by the blue house on the corner. I love the way it makes me feel relaxed and like I can breathe all of a sudden. Funny thing the way the mind works sometimes and what can trigger such a psychosomatic response. Reminds me of something my counselor once told me...

She said some people are subconsciously aware that they are thinking and pondering such things. But that I am the type of person that is consciously aware that I am consciously aware that I am thinking and pondering such things. Whoa... wrap your brain around that. To analyze why you are analyzing...

A little obsessive? Maybe. But that's how I roll, baby.

Hurt Feelings: What Would You Do?

I realize that ultimately, I am the one in charge of my emotions. I am the only one that can choose if I get offended or not get offended. This is definitely easier said than done, however.

There is someone I am close to. And there seems to be this one area of the relationship in which I continually get my feelings hurt over. Some would say to let it go, forget about it, or even walk away from the relationship.

I have tried this. But lately, this issue seems to bother me more and more. Not so much so that I feel like I am going to explode or blow up or anything. But it makes me feel bad, like perhaps this person is ashamed of me, or embarrassed by me. It hurts.

Sometimes, I feel like saying something. But, I don't. I guess I don't, because I don't want to create drama, or start a fight, or come across as whiny. Also, because I know that this person would never do anything intentionally to make me feel bad. By the same token, I am having a hard time letting it go.

I don't know... what would you would do? Would you say something?

Waiting for Normal

I haven't been feeling well lately. Sometimes I feel like I need to vent. I've always been one to write it down in my journal or a notebook. Now, I blog. But I worry that it comes across that all I ever do is complain or whine. I hope not. Truthfully, I try to be a happy person. I try to be upbeat and positive. However, to be quite frank, it's been hard lately.

I am constantly feeling like something's gotta give. And usually something does. And while I try to stay afloat and keep my head above water, I feel like I am barely breathing some days.

There are days in which my heart feels so heavy that it just sort of weighs me down. My mind is filled with worry over many, many things. Honestly, most of the time I don't really know how I even manage. Do you ever feel like you're on auto pilot? Yeah, I feel like that a lot -- though it's like I am flying through thick fog or a storm, not really sure what's waiting on the other side, but yet anxious to get there nevertheless.

For the longest time, I think I kept telling myself in the back of my mind, that one day things will get back to "normal" and then I can worry about fixing my "problems". One day, when I get married again, then I will have my own home, and I can become more organized and have a more "normal" schedule, and run a more "normal" household, and get more "normal" sleep, and things will feel more "normal" and settled for my kids.

I think I kept trying to convince myself that it was okay that things felt a little chaotic for the time being, because someday they would be "normal" and then I could start working on all of that other stuff.

But, then it hit me. What if I spend my time waiting for "normal" to happen and it just never does? What will become of my family? What will become of me? I cannot waste my time waiting for "normal" to happen. I either have to make "normal" happen or learn to manage without it.

Perhaps "normal" just isn't in the cards for me right now. Sometimes I think, maybe I am not supposed to worry about my own happiness until my kids are grown and out of the house. Maybe I am just supposed to focus on them right now, and work and school. Y'know... forget about me. Perhaps I have been too selfish with my own feelings, and letting my hopes and dreams for "normal" get in the way. Maybe I just needn't worry about that right now.

I worry a lot about my children, about how the choices I make affect them. I worry about screwing them up. Every choice I make or don't make could have a huge impact on their lives. Sometimes the choices we make are more about the choices we leave behind. Perhaps it is time I leave behind this notion of "normal" for now, and create a new sense of "normal" for my family. I don't really know what that will mean. Who knows... maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.