Saturday, April 24, 2010

Waiting for Normal

I haven't been feeling well lately. Sometimes I feel like I need to vent. I've always been one to write it down in my journal or a notebook. Now, I blog. But I worry that it comes across that all I ever do is complain or whine. I hope not. Truthfully, I try to be a happy person. I try to be upbeat and positive. However, to be quite frank, it's been hard lately.

I am constantly feeling like something's gotta give. And usually something does. And while I try to stay afloat and keep my head above water, I feel like I am barely breathing some days.

There are days in which my heart feels so heavy that it just sort of weighs me down. My mind is filled with worry over many, many things. Honestly, most of the time I don't really know how I even manage. Do you ever feel like you're on auto pilot? Yeah, I feel like that a lot -- though it's like I am flying through thick fog or a storm, not really sure what's waiting on the other side, but yet anxious to get there nevertheless.

For the longest time, I think I kept telling myself in the back of my mind, that one day things will get back to "normal" and then I can worry about fixing my "problems". One day, when I get married again, then I will have my own home, and I can become more organized and have a more "normal" schedule, and run a more "normal" household, and get more "normal" sleep, and things will feel more "normal" and settled for my kids.

I think I kept trying to convince myself that it was okay that things felt a little chaotic for the time being, because someday they would be "normal" and then I could start working on all of that other stuff.

But, then it hit me. What if I spend my time waiting for "normal" to happen and it just never does? What will become of my family? What will become of me? I cannot waste my time waiting for "normal" to happen. I either have to make "normal" happen or learn to manage without it.

Perhaps "normal" just isn't in the cards for me right now. Sometimes I think, maybe I am not supposed to worry about my own happiness until my kids are grown and out of the house. Maybe I am just supposed to focus on them right now, and work and school. Y'know... forget about me. Perhaps I have been too selfish with my own feelings, and letting my hopes and dreams for "normal" get in the way. Maybe I just needn't worry about that right now.

I worry a lot about my children, about how the choices I make affect them. I worry about screwing them up. Every choice I make or don't make could have a huge impact on their lives. Sometimes the choices we make are more about the choices we leave behind. Perhaps it is time I leave behind this notion of "normal" for now, and create a new sense of "normal" for my family. I don't really know what that will mean. Who knows... maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.


Susie said...

Sometimes, I feel the same way. But, I have found that when I "let it go", then I have room for good things to come into my life:-)

Puphigirl said...

The hard part is defining what is 'normal'. Is normal the ideal? Is normal whatever works for you and your family? What is normal for one is weird for another

okeydokeyifine said...

no matter how screwed up you are your kids will turn out just fine...I speak from experience. There is no such thing as a perfect mother or father. You do the best you do. Now Normal, on the other hand, you Can achieve. It is just that Your Normal now might be different than your Normal of before. Would a change of scenery be needed? How would your kids feel about moving? Would a different job suit you? And would the hours suit to go to school? Is school too difficult to fit in right now? Or is it a means to an end and how long will it be to get to that end? Would you consider marriage right now or how would your children feel about that? These are the kinds of questions you need to ask your self. Only you know the answers. And only you know what you are capable of accomplishing. Don't sweat the small stuff. Put your shoulder to the wheel. Anchors Aweigh. Put one foot infront of the other. Don't run faster than you can walk. Give yourself one of these pep talks every day. Continue to ask Father for help. Know that we love you. nuff said.

Alice in Wonderland said...

I'm feeling that way too at the moment, so I know how you feel. I just feel that I've hit a cross-road and not sure which way to go, or where I am going.
Blogging has just taken over my life, and I forgot that there were other things that I want to do too.
I have to get my priorities right, and things that come before sitting blogging.
I often have to remind myself that there is a life out there and it hasn't been three weeks yet since I had my appendix removed, so I'm still not feeling 100%.
I don't believe in "normal", it's just a label for something that you don't know or are unsure of.
Emma, you are a very bright girl, and you know that things will always turn out well for you, so sitting there worrying about things is a waste of time and energy. Only you need what you have to do.

Betty said...

I think the biggest part is realizing that your normal is not necessarily everyone else´s normal. Try to be happy with what you have accomplished so far and don´t expect to much.
I hope you come to terms with what is so hard for you and can just be happy.

greenolive said...

I like what all the people before me have said. I think that a normal person would not be able to cope as well as you do. You have always been extraordinary. Remember that you don't have to know what your future will be, you just have to know you're in the right direction. Maybe tackle one thing a day or a week or a month that you feel will help you feel like you're on track to being "normal". I'm gonna try to practice what I preach too. Maybe someday we'll be two normal sisters with two normal lives.

Tulsi said...

My normal and your normal would be two different things, and I'd bet that if we knew each others lives, we'd think the other person was normal. There are times when I just want to say "forget it. It's to hard and I give up" to situations. And sometimes waking up to a new morning doesn't make it better. Considering all you have going on, you seem pretty normal.

RhondaLue said...

I love what greenolive said. Forget normal, who wants that when you can be extraordinary?! And you obviously are extraordinary.

I'm amazed at all you handle. I really don't know how you do it all. just kids, house, and church callings can make me feel overwhelmed to the point that I want to quit some days. My husband is always gone and occupied with his fulltime work and school (means to an end, it's all good but tough nonetheless!) I can't imagine if I was working on top of it. You really do amaze me!

Also, something I would tell dh if he was ever home to hear don't have to do it all at once. If school on top of all the day-to-day is sending you over the edge then maybe you can slow down just a tad. Don't quit, but slow the pace. You can do that in most areas that might be overwhelming you. Ask for help more often.

But whatever you do, don't lose YOU in the process. You have to fill your lamp with oil or you won't have anything to give the kids/job/school/friends, etc.

Anyway, I love reading your blog because you tell the truth and many of us can relate even if our situations are radically different.

BIG {{HUGS}} to you!

The Willeyes said...

You've gotten such great advise from everyone else there's not much else I can say. They are all right. Your normal may not be anyone elses. You are doing the best you can and the Lord will provide. You are awesome...start believing that. It will all work out.

You can't do it all right now, so just focus on what you can do and let it be enough....and to whatever degree you do it :)
Love ya!

Sweet Sassy Molassy said...

Does normal equate to ideal in your mind? Because I think the two are quite different.
And some people don't value normal much. They view it as boring and routine and "ho-hum". But maybe you would like a little "boring" right now.