A few weeks ago, I relate the following TRUE story to Big-D:
My kids took me to a belated Mother's Day dinner at a restaurant. While we are eating, a group of about 10 people are seated nearby. Soon, the waiter comes to take their order. One man, who seems to have declared himself as "in-charge", begins to order an array of appetizers. He mentions something like "We'll take two of the shrimp."
The wife sort of leans in and asks, "Do you think two will be enough?"
The husband gets all bent out of shape and LOUDLY says, "Well, let's start with that, and if we want, we can order more later." She nods and looks back down at her menu. Here she was merely trying to make a suggestion and he took it as a personal attack on his judgment; his food-ordering skills.
Someone else at the table says something like, "Oooh, their shrimp here is really good."
Thus, when the waiter asks, "Will that be all?" The wife again asks, "Are you sure just two of the shrimp will do?"
The man, obviously irritated says in a booming voice, "I said," enunciating every syllable and accentuating each word, "we can always get more later if we want. Let's at least get this going for now." Everyone at the table was suddenly looking down in their menus, and everyone in the restaurant was obviously uncomfortable too. I notice LittleDuckling's eyes wander over to the direction of the
I lean forward and quietly remind him, "M-Y-O-B, M-Y-O-B." Which he knows means, "mind your own business." As the place settled down a bit, LittleDuckling says, "I just think it was weird how loud that guy was talking. I mean, did you hear what he was saying?"
I replied, "Yes, I did. And let me make this perfectly clear to the both of you," I add, pointing to both of my sons. "If I ever, EVER, EVER hear you talk to your [future] wife like that--or even Girlfriend, I will personally chop off your wiener!"
To that, LittleDuckling's eyes practically bug out of his head as he suddenly sits up and guards his jewels with both hands. [At this point of the story, Big-D's jaw drops as well.] FunnyMan laughs at the look on LittleDuckling's Face.
I explain this to Big-D, who is still slightly shocked. I laugh and say, "You should have seen LittleDuckling's face."
Big-D replies, "Well, yeah..."
I further explain, "I can't help it. I know what that woman felt like. I understood the look of humiliation on her face as she got up to "go use the restroom" shortly after the order was placed. It was all I could do NOT to run into the restroom to comfort her."
Big-D nods as if to say, he understands. Then a minute later, in his radio-announcer voice, Big-D says, "Parenting Skills...by Emma: Tell your kids you will chop their wiener off if they talk down to their spouse." And then in his normal voice, as I am laughing, he adds "That's just great."
Of course I told Big-D, "You've just given me a new blog post... thanks!" And it got me thinking about the other stuff I tell my kids, that could possibly make the cut to my "parenting skills class", such as...
When I want one or more of them to sit down...
"Sit, Ubu, Sit." And on occasion add, "Good Dog."
When they call me to tattle and I am obviously NOT home to play referee...
"Gee, I'm sorry. Write it down, and I'll read about it when I get home."
When I find out the teacher caught him sleeping in class...
Me: "What did I tell you about that?"
Kid: "To say amen."
Me: "Well? Why didn't you?"
Kid: "I was so tired I forgot."
When I'm dropping them off at school, in a sarcastic tone...
"I love you, now get outta my car."
When I'm attempting to take a nap...
"I am gonna lay down. If i hear any noises, you are gonna get it."
When there is whining...
"I don't speak whine."
When there is complaining...
"Put on your big boy pants and do it."
When complaining continues...
"Do you need a diaper change too?"
When two of them are arguing...
"Knock it off. Just ignore each other. Pretend the other person is not even there. Better yet, pretend they are dead." To which on at least one occasion has triggered the following response, "Yeah, well then his dead body is irritating me--and it smells!"
Ah...the Joys of Parenting... Like I said, I won't be up for Mother of the Year anytime soon.
So what "unconventional" things have your parents said to you or you say to your children in the midst of discipline?