Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Tales of the Amish Gnome

Ok - so last weekend, I told you that there was a church Valentine's Dance down at the stake center. My neighbor across the street is the Activities Chairperson, and I am on her committee. Ergo, I could not get out of the dance. I joked about taking a blow-up doll as my date, but 1) I didn't have one and 2) what would "he" have done while I was busy on my kitchen/food prep shift?

Anyway, I get there early to help set up the food. The place looks great. The decorations are awesome. Here are a few pics I snagged before the party began. (they are taken with my phone and the room was sort of dim, so sorry about the quality.)

Anyway - I am on the first "kitchen shift" for refreshments and food. As I am carrying veggie trays and scooping ice cream floats, I notice this apparently single guy with his eye on me. And when I say his "eye", I mean that, literally. One eye was on me while the other one was looking in another direction, and sometimes it changed. He was about 5'3" in height. He had a blacker-than-black uni-brow and a full-on Amish-Style beard. Honestly, the way his one eye and then the other kept peering at me, I was a little uncomfortable. Actually, I was a lot uncomfortable. He made me nervous, and sort of gave me the creeps.

Now, perhaps, I was being a little too judgmental. Perhaps he is a lovely little fellow. Perhaps he is totally harmless. Nevertheless, I just didn't feel "safe" around him.

After my shift, I joined a few of my friends at a table. I told them about the guy that was watching me. They ask me which one. I sort of blurt out without thinking, "The one that looks like an Amish Gnome". Even though that induced some laughter, I couldn't help but think how accurate that description was, given his height, full beard and sort of scrunched up face with uni-brow.

Desperate Housewife thought that perhaps I was imagining the whole "keeping an eye on me" thing. So, I tested this theory. After checking the refreshments and refilling the ice water, I made my way back to the table. Amish Gnome seemed to be coming right towards me. I didn't want to give him the chance to ask me to dance, because I didn't want to have to say no. So, I sort of veered off to the left. Then HE veered off to my left. I then turned slightly to the right. HE turned slightly to my right. So I did one of those fake-out moves; a quick right then left. I lost him, arrived at the table. It was unanimous. Everyone at the table agreed that Amish Gnome was after me. I didn't want to be mean and turn him down if he asked me to dance. But I just couldn't bring myself to dance with someone who sort of creeped me out. (I know what some of you must be thinking... but I asked the Lord for mercy on this one.)

So, my friends and neighbors being the generous people they are, let me "borrow" their hubbies. It's true. I danced a few dances (not slow ones) with them, and sat by other ones at the table. I was hoping that Amish Gnome would get the hint. By the same token, I was hoping that everyone else in attendance didn't think I was the town slut or that our table was involved in some sort of Swingers Club or something. And when I wasn't busy dancing with other people's hubbies, I was engaging in riveting repartee via text with the PersonalTrainer. Between him and my table posse, I laughed almost all night long while exfiltrating cavorting with Amish Gnome. Good times.

Update... So following the weekend, I get a few scoops regarding Amish Gnome; who he is, what he's like, etc. Apparently, he shows up at every dance in the area; Adult dances, singles dances, and even YOUTH regional dances. Ewww. The teenage girls get a little creeped out at the various eyes that seem to follow 2 different girls at one time. Also, one report indicated that at one dance they had to have a committee member guard the refreshment table, because he continued to eat practically everything they had to offer. And finally, a third source gave an account of a time he rode a horse into the church wherein the dance was being held. They had to chase him out of the building and explain that horses do not belong inside, and inside a church at that. Poor Amish Gnome. I am sure he isn't all there, and it's unfortunate that someone hasn't been able to teach him basic things like don't go riding horses into a church building.

So, there you have it. My big exciting un-eventful Valentine's weekend. As my bloggy friend Kaye would say, "I know y'all are just dying to be me!" Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up.


greenolive said...

You should find him a little gnomie wife. That would solve everybody's problem and it would give you something fun to do.

Two Blessings From Above said...

You should write a book. You always start my day with a good laugh.

The Willeyes said...

You definitely weren't imagining needs to help him out! We are glad you were there though...what's a party without Emma :)

Jennifer Rae said...

I can totally relate, I have had a few amish gnome sighintings...he must have family in California and Idaho. I am glad you escaped unscathed. PS you used the word POSSE in your post and I loved it!

Ruthykins said...

huh, sounds like the cousin of someone i used to know back in indiana.

RhondaLue said...

Decorations-AMAZING! Why can't our ward parties be all decked out like that? We must have a wayyyy crappier budget or something. ha ha

Amish dude. Hubbies beard resembles an Amish creep too. Just a few more weeks till it's gone...yah!

I love that you danced with the other hubbies to avoid the creepy guy. I would have hidden in the bathroom or something. lol

"The Queen in Residence" said...

Still to this day I have the ability to attract dorky guys and I am so not looking. You know the ones that have the tape around their glasses, the pocket protectors,and pants up to their throat but roaming or rolling about in the head eyes guys. That is a new one - you win!!!!

So sorry that you are going through this in the single life but great that your friends shared their men and you still had a great night. I agree with the other comments, you should write a book!!!

Susie said...

I am glad that you were able to avoid the gnome. That is creepy.

Dianne said...

Oh girl, SIL Kaye could not top an Amish Gnome!

okeydokeyifine said...

We had a rocket scientist come to our dance... how do I know? I could tell by the clothes he wore: Shorts and a t-shirt with logos all over it. He made sure all knew he was there by going up and patting them on th e back and then shaking hands with them.

We also had the social butterfly that went up to all the ladies, men, couples, whomever and hugged and kissed them and wished them a Happy Valentines Day.

I just wanted to be there and enjoy myself. But these folks just gave me fodder foe dissing.

Go figure.

Puphigirl said...

Too bad you didn't snag a photo of this guy. I wanted to see the eye-beard combo.

Vickie said...

the party decorations look great. Nice job!

The Amish Gnome stalker should be banned from future parties. That is just a little scary. The Amish comnnunity better marry him off fast. Wait a minute, he had a beard. Doesn't that mean he is already married? Oh, he is in trouble:)

Kaye Butler said...

I know the perfect wife for your knome. She comes to the funeral home often. She too has a unibrow, peacock blue eyeshadow, and a big red 80's hairbow with a pearl in the middle on top of her head. She is about 7 ft tall. I think they would be perfect.