Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Cougar on the Loose!

Ripped from today's headlines in the Deseret News...

Cougar captured in West Jordan
By
Pat Reavy Deseret News
Published: June 3, 2008
WEST JORDAN — A cougar caused some excitement in a neighborhood here this morning. An 18-month-old female cougar, described by wildlife officials as being "good sized" went on a trip through some backyards near 8600 South and 5000 West. Just before 6 a.m. a resident let his dog out into the backyard. When he went to see why his dog was barking, he spotted a cougar lying in the grass, said West Jordan police Sgt. Greg Butler. A few moments later, a second neighbor spotted the cougar and also called police. A couple of hours later, a third sighting was called in to police about three blocks from the initial area, Butler said. Police did a reverse 911 call to the area. A machine automatically called 600 homes in the area and left a recorded message cautioning residents to keep their pets and children indoors for now.

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No worries...the cougar was caught hours after the initial reporting. No children or pets were eaten.

The reason I find this so funny, is because just 5 minutes before this story broke, Hat Dude, who is actually from West Jordan, was telling me about some older woman who was trying to pick him up online. She was "warning" him about all of the people that meet online to "hook-up". I laughed and said, that's probably what she wanted. He then told me that she was 10 years older than him. I purred, "Wow. A Cougar." He replied, "Aren't Cougars supposed to be hot?" Poor Hat Dude. Getting hit on by older women who just think they're Cougars. I asked him how it felt to be Cougar Bait, and warned him that Cougars bite. Yikes!

So, anyway, what is the deal with Cougar women? In case you are wondering, by definition, a "Cougar Woman" is a predatory woman, usually between the ages of 35-50 who hunts, stalks, lusts after and imposes her attentions upon some innocent, inexperienced young males. It's almost like the female version of the old term Sugar Daddy. I think this is the stupidest thing!

First of all, do not act like this is normal! We all know what is going on! The younger person in the relationship just wants financial security without having to work for it. They want to go play with their friends with an unlimited allowance. The older person in the relationship wants to feel young again and therefore enjoys being around the younger partner. Of course, not to mention other liberties that come with the package. So, don't give me this crap about it being "love". C'mon Sugar Daddies....you're old and in a wheel chair, breathing on a respirator, and you want us to believe that your super-model bombshell of a wife is attracted to you? And as far as the Cougar Women go, you need counseling!!! I mean, granted, you're probably in your 40s, lonely, and perhaps have had no children of your own, if you're single. If you want to raise a little boy - adopt! Don't prowl around at the arcade and lure one into marriage. Oh and by the way, did you know that there is actually a group out there that is trying to get the term "Sugar Daddy" changed to "Panther Daddy" just for equality??? Seriously!

These aren't the only terms we use to describe women in today's society. How about the term, Yummy Mummy? This term started over in England, which is why it is "Mummy", meaning Mom and not someone under 1000s of years of wraps. At any rate a Yummy Mummy is an attractive, very sexy young mother between the ages of 19 - 30. Yummy Mummies wear trendy clothes, have great hairstyles and always look fabulous. Though these women aren't predatory in nature, if they do attract a certain male type, it is usually the neighborhood teenage gardener.

So, what I am wondering is, do women like being labeled like this? I mean, no doubt Men were the ones that came up with these names. What if the tables were turned? What names could we women possibly come up with for the men in our universe? Here's a few I wouldn't mind seeing implemented...

  • Cheetah Guy - for the man who cheats on his wife
  • Flubby Tubby - for the nasty old man with the big beer gut, donning the nasty pit-stained wife-beater undershirt, who smells so rank he makes your eyes water. Of course he just thinks he is attractive and is always hitting on the Yummy Mummies. (go ahead, say it... EWWW!)
  • Peniless Peter - (you had to read that one twice, didn't you?) This would be the man that can't hold down a job. Always broke, always bumming off of someone. He is of course able-bodied, nonetheless just waiting for that "perfect opportunity" to come. I've got news for you Peniless Peter...Ed McMahon is not going to be knocking on your door with a fistful of balloons and a giant-sized check. So get your hand outta your pants, get off the sofa, and go get a job!
  • Chester the Molester - this is for any guy that is creepy, is a creep or looks like a creep. You know who you are.....
Now, this one I didn't make up. Dolores Claiborne said it best, so I didn't have to...
  • Mr. Grand High Poobah of Upper Butt-crack - for the man with his head so far up his butt, well...you get the idea.

These are the kinds of guys we should be labeling. In fact, wouldn't it be great if they could just have T-Shirts made? They would be like walking warning signs to women everywhere.

Of course there are lots of great guys out there too. And they definitely deserve our praise. College Guy is insightful and compassionate. Science Guy is smart & sensitive. Truck Guy treats others with dignity & respect. Secret Agent Guy is strong & thoughtful. Hat Dude is witty & affectionate. Mechanic Man is a great father (good for you Desperate Housewife), and my own Dad is the best!

As I have mentioned before, I enjoy nicknames. I guess this is a little hypocritical, seeing as I am now left thinking, what sort of names and labels do people possibly have for me??? which I don't really want to know.

Too bad, we can't have some sort of reverse 911 calling system to warn unsuspecting people of Cougar Women, Panther Daddies, and Grand High Poobahs of Upper Buttcrack. That would be the day!

"Attention all unsuspecting citizens: Please keep all children and pets indoors as the following predators are on the loose..."

Well, suffice it to say, it probably won't happen, as no one has been eaten at the hands of a Peniless Peter yet.

9 comments:

ann said...

This was sooooo funny I had to read it all twice and even tryed to share it with Jared, only because he wondered what I was laughing about so hard!

All I have to say is AMEN!

Ruthykins said...

when i saw it was about cougars i thought maybe it was about you, but i guess you don't fit your definition of cougar. i don't know how much i like panther daddy. that may force the panther from american idol to change his name. in case you don't know who that is go to youtube and look up american idol panther. it's the first one. awesome.

greenolive said...

So Strange Dude, Technique Guy, and Hat Dude are all the same guy right? Well, I give him three snaps for not killing you, letting you lead him to M.O.P., and from what it sounds like, holding his own in wittiness.

kanaboke said...

can't stop laughing girl, can't stop laughing!!! And you better watch out 'cause every one of those labels are comin' after ya! :-)

KSPARKE said...

I'm just afraid to know whether or not I have a nickname and what it is.

Mel and Byde said...

Emma-You are hilarious! Maybe you could start a small business with these t-shirts:)

pinkelephant said...

All I have to say is I LOVE your blog!

Thanks for explaining more about the 'hat dude'.

ciciray said...

I love your blog! You are a talented blogger!!!
~Amy

layne said...

I am here, I made it. now I can give you a hard time or let you know how much I am laughing at you... I was thinking I would have the nick name of "married big truck guy"