Surgery

All of the medical shows on TV are proof some people just love knowing the nitty-gritty about medical procedures. I usually shy away from them, especially the gruesome pictures.

However, many friends and family have inquired about my ankle surgery, wanting to know what happened, what type of surgery, how long I'll be down, etc. The biggest question was "Did you get hurt? Is that why you have to have surgery?" Well, the short answer is no, but yes. Here is the slightly longer answer, for those who really want to know. I promise no gruesome photos, and I'll even try to throw in some humor.

Intro
Apparently, some people are prone to "ankle instability", otherwise known as "weak ankles". Apparently, I am one of these people.

Medical History/Causes
When my doctor asked if I had twisted my ankle a lot as a kid, I honestly couldn't remember, although I confessed to being a clumsy child. He inquired about sports or dance injuries. I was in softball, intramural soccer, gymnastics, volleyball, basketball, and track -- but most of those not since the 8th or 9th grade and I could only recall one volleyball injury involving my shoulder. I was in colorguard and show choir in high school, both involving dance, and recalled one minor ankle injury.

As an adult, I've slipped on the ice a few winters and twisted my ankle. But I also had 2 very bad sprains...

Sprain #1
My youngest daughter was a newborn and after rocking her to sleep in the middle of the night, I groggily climbed the stairs to take her to her crib. When I got to the top, I mistakenly thought I had one step to go. I stepped down harder than need and in an attempt not to drop the baby, I rolled my right ankle pretty bad. I thought I broke it. Instant tears. Instant swelling. Instant bruising. A trip to the insta-care a few hours later revealed the bad sprain which took nearly 7 weeks to recover. I've had issues with ankle pain and swelling ever since; my baby girl is now 15.

Sprain #2
Three years following the right sprain, moving furniture, walking backwards, and misjudging the corner of a step - ouch! I rolled my left ankle pretty bad.

Since then, anytime I am on my feet a ton, both ankles swell and cause severe pain, I sought help from my primary care physician. She told me it was all tendinitis and to take anti-inflammatories as needed. This has been my regimen for over a decade.

This past summer while on vacation my ankles would swell and then I'd get this shooting pain in the tops of my feet. If I didn't take the anti-inflammatories, my feet and ankles felt like they were on fire. I'd rest them a bit, ice them, take the pills, and take it easy a few days, and soon all better.

The past two months however the pain increased. Resting did not help much. The pills and ice only helped a little. My ankles and feet just bore a constant pain.  I went to the foot & ankle clinic 3 weeks ago.

Proper Diagnosis
The specialist determined the CF ligament (of both ankles) was weak (probably started as a kid) and eventually damaged (during the bad sprains) and is no longer protecting the ankle. He also sensed some scar tissue from the previous injuries. Since the ligament isn't giving proper support, arthrosis started to develop in the ankle ligaments and joints. Additionally, the tendons that start from the ankle and spread up into the foot and up to the toes are not receiving proper protection, hence the reason I was feeling shooting pain symmetrically (tendons of the extensor digitorum). It was time for surgery.

Because the right ankle was far worse, that is the one he chose to do first. The left ankle will be done later this year. (Which is nice because I will have met my annual deductible by then = Free!)

Surgical Procedure
The surgery was done via Ankle Arthroscopy, a "scope" which allows tiny incisions to be made allowing a thin fiber-optic camera to be inserted and then transmit the images to a monitor.  Once inside, he can then determine how much scar tissue there is, where the ligament needs to be cut, repaired and sutured, and if anything else needs to be done. (There is a wonderful video simulation here: {Ankle Ligament Reconstruction}) The method my surgeon used was the Brostrom Procedure. It's really quite fascinating if you're into that sort of thing. (I'm not.)

In essence he went in, scraped out old scar tissue and the arthrosis, cut, repaired and tacked down the ligament where it should be, and then - here's the coolest part - he implanted a synthetic ligament as well (since mine was fairly worn out). He wanted to give my ankle the best possible chance at a full recovery and the best stabilization as possible.  He said the synthetic ligament is stretchy, sort of like medical tape, but obviously much more durable.

The Big Day

Surgery was yesterday, and there were a few minor hiccups. I was at the surgical center a little longer than anticipated. The initial problem was it took nearly 30 minutes to get a good poke so they could start the I.V. My veins just weren't cooperating. After 2 pokes, the first nurse called in another. (She said she has a 2-poke per patient limit.) The 2nd nurse came in and tapped up and down my arms and wrists while I pumped my fist and breathed through the tourniquet pain. They even pulled out their vein finder (think stud finder, only cooler), and still nothing. A 3rd nurse stopped by to see what the delay was and together they decided to try a wrist vein that was sort of playing nice. The 3rd nurse came to my other side, placed one hand on my shoulder, told me to grip her hand and that she was going to start praying. She prayed, I gripped, they poked, I winced several times, and they finally got it in. I've gotta say, the Lamaze breathing technique I learned over 20 years ago, still comes in handy!

The surgery went great, as far as I was told. Coming out of it, however, I was in dire pain. I remember dreaming a lovely dream, then hearing voices, then hearing myself cry out, "Ow, ow, ow,..." over and over and realizing I was crying lots and lots of tears. They gave me 3 hits of Demerol 5 minutes apart, to which I didn't feel any relief. Next they whipped out the Toradol and gave me a dose. That took the edge off. But I was still in quite a bit of pain. 

I heard one nurse tell the other, "This isn't common. She shouldn't be in this much pain." The other nurse came to my side, rubbed my shoulder and said, "Okay, just try to relax so this Toradol will start to work." Then she went back over to the first nurse and whispered, "Sometimes you just have to mention the drug again, so they think they're getting another dose. Sometimes it's just psychological." 

Part of me wanted to laugh really hard and say, "I can hear you." But I was honestly in so much pain. Instead, I managed to say, "It feels like someone has my ankle in a torture device and is twisting my ankle all the way to the right and it is causing a shooting pain all the way down to my toes and up my leg to my knee." 

The 2nd nurse stopped whispering and told the 1st nurse, "Get the surgeon in here now." Both the Dr. and his residency Dr. came in, and when the nurses relayed what I had said, they both nodded and said, "Well, the sensation is pretty accurate, since that's basically what we had to do to stretch everything and put it in place." So, they gave me 3 local pain shots in my leg and within about 2 minutes all was well. 

Poor Eric had already visited with my surgeon and was told I'd be wheeled to recovery in a few minutes. After about 20 he hadn't seen me, and inquired and they said, "Well, she's still in a lot of pain." I'm sure that wasn't exactly relieving. 

Expected Recovery Process

The best part of the process is that while it's still a 6 week post-surgery "rest and recuperate" protocol, I asked how soon I could go back to school. I hate missing class. He told me after 5 days of constant rest, he would allow me to go back IF I promised to elevate my foot during classes, walk on it as little as possible, ice it regularly, and then call it a day as soon as I return home in the afternoons. (He also gave me permission to skip class as needed.) Woohoo! That also translates to no housework, right???

This is of course all best case scenario. He did say a "full" recovery can still take 3-6 months. But a lot of that depends on how closely I follow his orders during the first 6 weeks. 

So there you have it. Oh, and the other best part is this is the first surgery I've ever had in which I can eat solids. Definite Win.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Five

I am grateful for modern-day medicine.

There are lots of really cool diagnoses made through modern-day medicine, many of them very rare.  I think back to the "olden days", when people were sick and no one knew why; it was all they could do to sit back and watch someone suffer and possibly even die.  Luckily, I don't have any serious life-threatening diseases, but I am truly grateful for the modern-day medicine used for every-day ailments as well.

I am not a pill-popper and the mere thought of having to swallow a pill that may or may not, but could very well, possibly, probably get lodged in my throat gives me slight anxiety.  I try to avoid it whenever possible.  However there are definitely times in which it is the only thing that helps.  (Luckily Xanax is in really tiny pill form.)

I've had a migraine the last 3 days -- mild, but nonetheless there. Mine are typically triggered by lack of sleep, which is typically triggered by anxiety.  Needless to say, I haven't slept this past week and last night it was finally time to get out the meds and manage it.

Therefore, I am grateful for modern-day medicine.

Let Her Rrrrrrip!

Or maybe not. Ouch is right!

I won't go into too many details, because I will actually gross myself out just talking about it. But here is how it went down. I was in a hurry the other morning and jumped from bed. Literally. I jumped OUT.OF.BED.

As soon as I did, I felt this ripping action across my lower abdomen. (Picture in your mind ripping apart clothing at the seam. Yeah, it felt awesome like that.) IMMEDIATELY I saw spots in my eyes. They clouded my vision until I could only see shooting stars against a black backdrop. A ringing invaded my ear drums, high-pitched and piercing. I felt dizzy. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to lay down.

Instead, I popped an excedrin, splashed some cold water on my face and drove my kids to school so they would not be late. By the time I got to work I was in so much pain, I couldn't even stand up straight. The shooting stars had subsided but the tears were at bay. I called my Dr's office to get a same day appointment. They are located in the same building as the insta care, so I figured if she couldn't see me, insta care would. Turns out my Dr was off.

I am pretty sure by the stares I got in the waiting room, people thought the worst. I mean, what would you think if you saw a woman at a clinic, holding her stomach and crying?

The attending physician saw me and was worried about a possible hernia. I was in so much pain, I cried just attempting to lay back on the exam table. She wanted to give me a shot for the pain and she wanted me to go to the ER, but she told me I couldn't drive myself. Then she did it - she made me cry again.

She just had to go and ask, "Is there someone you can call?" I sat there in silence for a few moments - running down a mental list of names.

"No," I replied.

"A family member? Significant other? Friend?"

"Umm," I was really trying to focus, but no one was coming to mind. All I could think was I didn't have an "In Case of Emergency, Please Call" person. I scrolled through the names on my phone. Family members live too far away. No significant other. Of the friends and/or neighbors whose phone numbers I DID have in my phone, they either work during the day or have a new baby at home.

I ended up calling a colleague that worked down the street from the clinic and whom I knew had a little flexibility in her schedule. True, we've become good friends over the years. Still, it felt a little odd to call on a work friend for a personal matter.

I got picked up from the clinic and dropped off at the hospital and my car was taken care of. Turns out I picked a bad day to go to the ER. They were extremely busy and short-handed. I sat in the waiting room for about an hour before given a bed. There was no room at the inn, so I was placed in a "holding pattern" in the hallway until a room would become available. I think I was in the hallway another 2 hours.

A nurse from upstairs came down to help. She was to start an I.V. bag of saline. However, my veins apparently weren't "cooperating" (although they normally perform on demand). I knew the meds were making me loopy, because in my mind I was shouting several expletives at her; words I would never normally say. Or did I say them out loud? Now I really don't know. At any rate, I've got a complete set of bruises on my right arm.

At some point I was taken into ultrasound, had blood drawn and then finally moved into an exam room. They left the door open but kept the lights off for me so I could rest. Beyond that I don't know what was done with my chart, because apparently, the ER nurses didn't know I was in there. She started to wheel in another patient in a bed and jumped when she saw me. I think she may have even peed a little. Then she realized that the last 2 scheduled BP checks hadn't been done because she was told I went home.

At this point I can hear everything going on around me, in the hall and in the nearby exam rooms. But I couldn't keep my eyes open and trying to speak was too much work. The kid across the hall was crying nonstop. He wanted a bandaid. He wanted a green bandaid. He wanted a green bandaid with dinosaurs. He wanted a green bandaid with dinosaurs to show his daddy. He wanted his daddy. He wanted to go home to see his daddy. He wanted to go home and see his daddy to show him the green bandaid with dinosaurs.

I wanted him to shut up.

At one point, in my head, I yelled, "Someone get the kid a freakin green bandaid with a dinosaur before I strangle him!" Well, that's the G-rated version of what I was thinking. Then I started giggling because I couldn't tell if I actually said that or just thought that. I determined I only thought it because I tried to move my lips, which were stuck together from the dryness.

Finally, the ER doctor advised me there was no hernia, and that it "appeared" to be some torn fibers in the abdominal muscles.

"What should I do?" I asked. "How long does it take to heal?"

I was told that the abdominal muscle tears are the hardest to heal. You can't put your abs in a sling. And you can't just STOP using them, allowing them complete rest.

So, for now I am taking it "easy". It doesn't hurt THAT bad -- unless I go from sitting to standing or laying down, coughing, sneezing, reaching, laughing, driving, bending over, or pretty much just moving. But hey -- other than that I am fine.

I still am not fond of the concept that I don't have that one special "In Case of Emergency" person; the one I can always count on. Oh well, At least I have a lot of people I can call on some of the time, right?

By the way, how lame is it that I hurt myself just from getting out of bed. "You know you're outta shape when..."

Confessions of a Middle-Aged Bald Woman

I'm almost reluctant to post this because I know that somewhere out there one of you is going to love never letting me live this down. Don't worry. I said "Almost reluctant." Of course I am going to post this. What's the point of having humiliating experiences if I can't blog about them and share them with the world so you can all laugh at with me?

So, it went down like this...

I am at the store in the health & beauty section. Time to pick up new toothbrushes for the kidlets. There was a recent "fight" over someone accusing someone else of using their toothbrush and then no one wanted to brush their teeth for fear of getting "kooties". And one of my rules is that teeth-brushing is not optional. It was time for new toothbrushes anyway. But I digress. Back to the post at hand.

I am in the Health & Beauty aisle and on the end cap there are the "clearance" items. I see a box of Dr. Gro or Mr. Gro or something like that. Granted, it was on clearance. Normally, I wouldn't waste time or money on a product that had such an underwhelming effect that it was being marked down and "closed out" to get the inventory off their books. But it was only $4.00!

A few of you may remember that once upon a time in my pre-surgery days I was on Lupron Depot with add-back (selective hormone) therapy. Let me tell you that there are some serious side effects to this powerful drug.

Migraines. Blood Clotting. Stroke. Depression. Fluid retention. Asthma or worsening of asthma. Vaginal dryness. Hair loss. Dry skin. Thinning of nails. Bone thinning. Forgetfulness. Hot flashes. Weight gain. Panic disorder. Anxiety.

On top of all of that, one must not be on any type of prescription birth control during the treatment, and yet because it causes serious birth defects, one must not risk getting pregnant while on it. The treatment lasts 6 months at a time. Sounds like a real party, eh?

Notice, it also sounds a bit like Menopausal symptoms? Yeah, in order to "kill" off the disease, they "starve" it of the hormones that produce the disease. So, basically they were medically inducing a mini-menopause. Quite frankly, even though I finally had the surgery and am all better, some of those side effects are still present. I don't feel like I've ever been the same since being on the Lupron injections... just sayin'.

Out of the 11 side effect that I myself suffered, HAIR LOSS was one of them. I get self-conscious about my hair, because after the treatment it never grew back. The thinning is front and center too. I've tried a few hair therapy shampoos and scalp creams, etc. But they are verrrrrry expensive. So, when I saw $4.00, I was like "w00t!" and bought myself some.

The instructions say to use a "few drops" on the affected areas, on wet or dry hair and massage into scalp. So, the other morning, I thought, I will just use it as soon as I get out of the shower. I did what it said. I put a few drops on the areas I felt my hair was thinning the most. I massaged the scalp. I then proceeded to "style as usual".

After blow-drying my hair, I take a look in the mirror and am horrified. I felt like an old man who had just put an entire handful of pomade in his hair. It looked GREASY and GROSS! I was all, "Noooooooo!" My plan was to curl my hair. I didn't have time for a re-wash. I tried blow drying a little more. Nothing doing.

At this point I feel frantic. There is no way I can go to work like this. And I am thinking they will not like it if I show up in a baseball cap either. I saw the container of baby powder out of the corner of my eye. I remember hearing how older generations used to use something called talc powder or talcum powder or something like that (too lazy to google it) when they had oily hair. This allowed them to go an entire week without washing their hair.

Even though I find that a bit disgusting, I am desperate. So, I shake some of the baby powder on my hands and sort of toss it through my hair. Now, because I have dark hair, I had to brush it through so it didn't all of a sudden look like I went from oily-to-gray! I check the mirror and am relieved -- it's working! There are still a few more oily spots, so without thinking I grabbed the powder again and shake it straight onto my head.

Problem. Ummm... yeah, TONS came out. Now I was sporting the Corpse Bride look with white-ish hair. I quickly do a flip of my hair, bend over furiously brushing out my hair. I recheck the mirror. Other than a few white clumps hanging out in the "part" it looks good actually. I flick those out and start to style.

Granted. My hair FELT awful. But guess what!?!?!?! It actually looked FREAKIN AWESOME! My hair never looked so full in a long time. And the curl even held!

So, will I use this product again? Probably. However, I think I will only use two drops TOTAL. Not 2 drops on "each affected area". I probably won't be able to tell for a few more weeks if the cheap stuff is actually working. But for $4, it's definitely worth a shot.

In the meantime, I am going to make sure I always have a supply of baby powder on hand. :)

Aspartame: Fact or Fiction?

Ok, in case you haven't heard by now, there is much controversy over the concept of "Aspartame Poisoning". If you read my post from Saturday, you know that a friend of mine had some similar symptoms as I did and her nutritionist told her to stop drinking sodas/Crystal Light, etc. with Aspartame (aka "NutraSweet"). My friend told me that after she stopped drinking her diet soda she felt better. She even gave me a few links to check out. One of the links claimed that Aspartame was the cause of over 92 symptoms.

So, I had my Dr. Appointment today and I decided to ask her about this. Could it be that I had Aspartame Poisoning??? Do you know what she told me? "That's a load of crap. There is no such thing as Aspartame Poisoning." Wow. But there are soooo many websites that claim otherwise... hmmm.

She went on to further explain. She stated that the whole Aspartame "issue" began around 1995 as internet hoaxes and email scams began to surge. She stated that the only thing medical science proves is that for people with OTHER conditions, Aspartame may exacerbate certain symptoms, but in and of itself does not cause those symptoms or illnesses. She went on to say that unfortunately, many dietitians, nutritionists and herbologists (?) have hopped on the bandwagon and they are making all sorts of money on this. She also stated that the sad thing is, people often are misguided to think they have Aspartame Poisoning, so they stop the diet drinks and all of a sudden feel better. Unfortunately, it isn't lasting, because really, the illness they do have is still there, festering inside their body, and eventually, will still manifest itself later down the road. Finally, she said that "aspartame poisoning" is a "catch-all"-- a "band-aid" if you will; when they don't know what else it could be, they say it is Aspartame.

Oh, and here's another thing. My Dr. stated that many of those "92 symptoms" are also a result of dehydration. And when people replace their diet sodas with WATER, they HYDRATE the body, so of COURSE they are going to feel BETTER. Then she actually said, "Duh!" Tee hee.

Wow. Very interesting, I thought. So, Aspartame "poisoning" is currently not recognized by the medical field nor the FDA.

What do you think? What have you heard?

Cuz, I don't know about you... but I really dig my Crystal Light Lemonade in the summer. :)

Sick & Tired

Some days I feel sick. Some days I feel tired. Mostly, I am just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I can't remember the last time I went an entire day without having a headache. It seems like a daily thing. For a while I thought perhaps it was due to my back/neck (supporting the weight of the "girls") that was causing the headaches. However, I see my chiropractor religiously. I do have trouble sleeping, and thought perhaps lack of sleep was causing the headaches.

Then the bouts of dizziness started to occur. By the way, try explaining to a Doctor what "dizziness" feels like without using the word "dizzy". For me, it's like the start or end of an elevator ride. Just a brief wash of dizziness across my forehead and behind my eyes, if that makes any sense.

Rewind about a month ago, I am at Big-D's house watching the game. By the 3rd quarter my head was pounding, and I was feeling dizzy and our beloved Blue was getting crushed by the Red anyway. Big-D suggests I take a nap. I didn't argue. I am not sure how much time passed, but soon I can tell someone is standing over me; creepy. I practically jump out of my skin. It was Big-D checking my pulse in my wrist. I asked him what he was doing. He told me that while I was sleeping he could hear my body working hard to breathe. So he checked my resting heart rate and declared it too fast. He really wanted to take me to the ER. I didn't think that was necessary. I instead decide to call my parents and get a professional opinion (from another state, mind you). My dad was an EMT for years and my mom is a Nurse (hence the nickname, NurseMom). I ask my mom "when is your resting heart rate too fast?" She asked what mine was, I told her. She did her "hmmm" that didn't comfort me at all. She asked me what other symptoms, if any I was having. I told her heart palpitations, chest pains, dizziness, shoulder pain, and a migraine. She gave me her advice. I hung up the phone.

"Well," asked Big-D, "What did she say?" "She told me to have someone drive me to the ER," I replied. That settled it. I was going in.

Thankfully, they quickly ruled out Heart Attack and Stroke. The Dr. said the first thing to do when treating for pain is to get the patient to sleep. So, he gave me a shot of Toradol for the migraine and a prescription for Xanax to help me sleep. He also gave me a referral for the Hearing and Balance center, which I called the next day.

They wanted to do a series of tests for something called Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV). Since I had an inner ear infection last year, it would make sense that this could be the culprit of my pain & dizziness. In [very] Lay Man's terms, BPPV is when certain debris, sometimes called ear crystals or rocks, fail to migrate in the ear canal because of damage to what's called the utricle (possibly caused by injury or infection). I was able to get in that same week. They did all sorts of tests purposely making me dizzy so they could determine if BPPV was the source. At the end, that Dr. informed me that she was able to rule out everything except Central Nervous System. So, no BPPV, but I was to contact a neurologist.

I called my primary care to get a referral. After about 4 days of talking to nurses, who would in turn talk to my doctor, who would then get info from the doctor and call me back to ask questions, get my answers, tell the doctor, call me back, and round-and-round-she-goes, where-she-stops-nobody-knows type of phone tag (talk about dizzy!), The Dr. wanted to have me checked out for 2 possibilities. 1) Neurological Syndrome (a fancy word for "migraines" and 2) Acoustic Neuroma, which is basically a benign tumor that leads from the brain to the inner ear (again affecting the balance nerve). Tests she wants the neurologist to consider are an MRI, CT scan, and perhaps PET scan. Apparently these tests can determine or rule out the aforementioned conditions.

But, first, like everything else...blood work! ugh. So they did a Chemistry Blood Panel and Urineanalysis and checked hormone levels as well, since hormones is the #1 cause of migraines in women. After being in the lab for most of the day, I felt sick and had a migraine for a good two days. Finally, around 3pm the next day I felt better. That is when I had to put everything into high-gear and motivate (bribe/threaten) my kids to help clean the house since my parents would be getting in that night.

I wasn't able to get everything on my list crossed off, however, thanks to my slave-children and Anna's idea to shove things in closets (hee hee) I felt at least it was good enough for my family to come for a visit. Luckily, for the weekend, I was able to put my thoughts regarding my health on the back burner and enjoy my family. Though I did end each day with a full-on head-ache.

So, we still don't know the cause/source of my pain or the dizziness. But I guess as long as it isn't life-threatening, I just have to play the waiting game and work on the Dr's time table.

My wish for this holiday season and the new year to come? Good health for me and my family definitely tops the list. I'll be sure to keep you all posted!

All Hopped Up, Baby!!!

Yes - I am a wimp!

So - today was our semi-annual family trip to the Dentist. Yowza!

Let me start off by saying that I LOVE MY DENTIST...however...I HATE GOING TO THE DENTIST!!!

Dr. Corry has a sweet set-up for the kids. There is a kid's waiting room that is complete with TV, video games, toys, books and VERY comfy leather furniture. If the kids are getting work done, they can put their headphones on and watch the ceiling-mounted TV. My kids usually channel surf until they find "Spongebob Square Pants".

So what do they have for the adults??? Well - if you're me - Everything!!! I also watch TV if I need to have work done - but I usually settle for something more age appropriate. Still not the best part.

I have high anxiety (i know, surprising, right?). In addition to that my gums are sensitive. Therefore when I go in for my semi-annual cleaning, not only do I have to have the topical numbing gel applied to my gums - but i need the Nitrous!!! That's right - hook me up baby!!!

If I didn't have the Nitrous, I wouldn't be able to handle the Cancer Screening, the ice-cold water they squirt in my mouth, or the barbaric way they floss my teeth. It's just better when I am numb and high!

Incidentally - none of my kids need the Nitrous unless they are having actual cavities filled. I know - I am a wimp!!!

So today, I went first and then waited in the kids' waiting room while each of my children had their teeth cleaned. Kienna was able to snatch this oh-so-lovely picture of me coming down off my high.


Oh - and by the way --- the best part???? NO CAVITIES!!!!

You Wanna Stick That WHERE???

Warning: The following blog post is not for the weak-stomached. Additionally, no medical terms were intentionally slaughtered or harmed in the making of this post.
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If you have never been hospitalized or subjected to medical testing, be grateful; very grateful.

When I was in college at BYU-Hawaii, I got really sick during my second semester. Hepatitis was going around, so I needed to be checked out by a doctor. The nurse took my vitals and asked when my last physical was. I rambled some guesstimation, which wasn't to her satisfaction. She handed me the gown and told me I would get a complete physical. So there I sat in a glacial chamber of sterile furnishings and peroxidic odors , shivering beneath the paper-thin gown. Mr. McDreamy entered the room. He had long luscious locks and looked HOT in scrubs. I think my temperature elevated at least 2 degrees. He didn't look a day over 21. "You're the Doctor???" I asked. He flashed his million dollar smile, and answered, "Yep. Completing my residency." "Holy Crapola!" I thought. I had never been seen naked by ANYONE since my parents diapered my butt as a baby! It felt wrong somehow - like some soap-opera-hunk Dr. getting ready to put the moves on his Damsel-in-Distress patient. I remember cringing - a lot - and taking a lot of deep breaths. He of course was a complete professional. I didn't have Hepatitis, by the way. Just a severe cold.

Shortly after marriage - like in the blink of an eye - I became pregnant with my first baby. I was sick as a dog. I became weak and couldn't even keep water down. I went to the hospital and they confirmed I was pregnant and stuck an I.V. into me and pumped me full of nutrients. Then they sent me home with suppositories that were to help with nausea. "You want me to put those where?" I thought. Well, let's just say the suppositories were made of this malodorous glycerin type substance and just opening the bottle was enough to invoke a Kermit-The-Frog-Like-Green color in my face as well as yesterday's water from my stomach.

A few weeks later, I went in for my first "Pre-Natal Check-Up". I didn't know what to expect. I was 19 years old, living in Hawaii, and had never been to an OB/GYN in my life. Well, first things first. The locals speak Hawaiian Pidgin - a broken or slang English. Anyway upon arriving, the gal at the front desk hands me a small paper cup, points down the hall and says, "Take dis cup and go make shi-shi. When done, bring back to me. Ok?" At this point I am thinking a couple of things. "Make Shi-Shi? And then I have to carry it back, in front of all the other patients in the waiting room? Oh I don't think so." I tell the lady, that I don't think I can go "shi-shi" at the moment. She replies for me to go to the exam room, and try to "make shi-shi" at the end of my visit. I am still clueless as to why the Dr. might need this sort of specimen.

I enter the exam room, and the Dr. tells me she is going to be performing a Transvaginal Ultrasound. First of all - why is it called performing? Is it some sort of trick? Does she expect an applause afterwards? Second of all -- transvaginal??? Is that what I think it means? She continues to explain that she will use a "transducer" for this procedure, and as she is talking she is opening a package of prophylactics. The only thing I have known of transducers is that they are some sort of sonar equipment that the government uses to test things underwater for the Navy. Gives new meaning to "going down under". Then she pulls out this wand-looking thing and slips the "protective covering" over it. "You wanna stick that where?" I wasn't sure whether I should laugh or cry. At the end of the exam, the Dr. says, "Oh, by the way - I still need a urine sample from you" "Urine sample?" I ask her. "You mean Shi-Shi is Pee?" The Dr. chuckles and says, "Yes. in Pidgin #1 is Shi-shi and #2 is Doo-Doo". Wow, I thought. I am so glad I found that out before I made a doo-dy in the cup and carried it all the way to the front desk! Can you imagine the look I would have gotten from not only the patients, but the girl at the front desk???

For my first Pelvic CT Scan, No eating after 8pm, no drinking after midnight the night before. I also have to drink an entire bottle of some sort of liquid laxative. Don't worry, they tell me. It's carbonated and lemon flavored. What - like a Diarrhea Spritzer? Is that supposed to make me feel better? It was totally nasty. Then, I thought all I had to do was show up the next morning, with a stomach that had been scraped clean. Oh no - that would be too easy. They handed me a jug of some milky substance. I hate milk. Just the thought of drinking it, ugh - i just threw up in my mouth! Well, you get the idea. And whoever had the brilliant idea to "flavor" the milk stuff with Orange flavoring should be shot. Apparently they were going for "Orange Creamsicle". I got news for you, Creamsicle Man, Barium Sulfate Solution is going to taste like crap no matter what flavor syrup you add. It's not a Sno-Cone, you moron.

A year later, I had to go for a second Pelvic CT Scan. It was harder to drink all that crap the second time around, believe it or not. The lab technician comes out twice to get me, and both times I haven't finished the "Orange Creamsicle Cocktail". She finally threatens me with a five minute deadline before disappearing behind the double doors. I quickly scan the waiting room. The girls at the reception desk are busy reading magazines and discussing the latest Dating Quiz that will reveal whether or not they are a perfect match. I locate the restroom and I end up dumping about half of what is left down the drain. I emerge from the restroom, just as another technician comes to retrieve me. I admit to the young man that I am having a hard time finishing the drink. He says, "No problem. You probably drank enough." He informs me to change and wait for Creamsicle Nazi to come and get me. I didn't want her to look down at me with her disapproving eyes. I look around the dressing room and spot the hamper. I quickly shove the jug in the pile of dirty gowns. Childish, I know. I crack myself up just thinking about that.

About 3 months after the 2nd CT Scan, I am sent back to the hospital for a Barium Enema. The prep work is looking quite similar to that of the CT Scans. I was totally freaking out about the stupid Barium Sulfate Solution. Good News! No Orange Creamsicle Diahrrea Cocktail! I don't mind that they strap me to a table, with a cord shoved up my tookus so far it's making my nose itch. I don't care that the table is tilted back and forth, up and down, reminiscent of some lame carnival ride. It doesn't even bother me that the Barium they flush my system with is going to come gushing out the minute I stand up. I do not have to drink the Orange Creamsicle Cocktail and I am elated! At this point, I officially declare that I would much rather have a Barium Enema over a Pelvic CT Scan any day!

So now, I am having pains again. I go into the outpatient radiology unit at the hospital Monday. I learned that I have Inflammation of the Ovaries, though at this point the exact cause is unknown. I want concrete answers. So, what do I do? Research the internet, of course. What was it that Michael Scott from The Office said? "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information." The internet says that it could be 1)PID - which is usually caused by STDs. Whew, I can rule that one out. It also says 2) Ovulation - hmmm. Could be. But I liked #3 the best. 3) Sexual Indulgence. At first I was like, "no that can't be it. Afterall, I am a Born-Again Virgin." But then I read on. Here is what it said: "when the stimulus to the ovaries has long been denied, its sudden presentation is liable to make an inflammatory impression. Its entire absence, too, in persons of strong passions, may result in ovarian disease. This inflammation may be produced by the new state of things..." Wow. So is it saying what I think it is saying? Diagnosis: Horniness.

So, for now, until I am subjected to more poking & prodding, I have made new friends with my ibuprofin and heating pad.