The Push I Needed

I've known for years that "someday" I would go back to school... or at least I hoped. But then life got busy and I felt too old. I thought perhaps I missed my chance. Then after the Divorce I felt like I should look into school. And yet, at the same time, it seemed like something unattainable, out of reach. Plus, when I had looked into it before, too many years had passed and the local universities wouldn't accept my credits from the first go-round. That meant I would have to start completely over.

Then one of my sisters went back to school. I was jealous and bitter so happy for her. Then another one started taking a few classes. I felt left out excited for her and begrudged congratulated her! But then-- when the third one started taking a class, it was the straw that broke the camel's back I knew it was something I had to do too!

I spent nearly all of 2008 talking about "going back to school". I wondered if I could manage the homework while being a single mom. I worried about the expenses. I feared how long it would take, especially if I would have to go part-time. My friends said it was a good idea. Big-D encouraged me and told me I wasn't too old at all. My mom reminded me that she was older than dirt forty years old when she graduated from college.

I thought about that and I realized that my mother has been doing a job she enjoys and which she is good at for 15+ years. I reminded myself that I will be older than dirt forty in about 5 years and did I really want to be doing the job I am doing *now* for 15 more? Oh HELL-O No!

Nevertheless, I still only "thought" about going back to school. I wasn't sure where to even begin. Fast forward to May. If you remember, this is about the time I started talking to Eric, from back home. I was telling him about the idea of me going back to school. He said, "That sounds great! Where would you go?" I replied, "Probably just the community college. I think they might take most of my former credits." I added, "I would just finish my associates and then transfer to get my degree somewhere else." He then asked, "How much longer do you have to go?" I hesitated, "I am not really sure. Since I'd be going part time, my guess would be about four more years." Then he said, "Well, that doesn't sound too bad!" I sort of shrugged it off. "Yeah, I guess. I don't know... I haven't even applied yet." Then came the pivotal question, "Well what's stopping you??"

Just.Like.That.

It was as if time stood still for just a moment as those words reverberated in my head. What WAS stopping me? That single question set in motion the unraveling thread leading me down this path.

That question was a slap to reality a provocation, staring me in the face...taunting me. It was a question I couldn't ignore. What was stopping me? That's It! No more excuses. I have always been able to accomplish pretty much anything I have set out to accomplish. So, what was stopping me now? I had to call a spade a spade...And this Ace of Spades, my friends, was called FEAR.

As a person of Faith, I know that Fear and the Holy Spirit cannot dwell in the same place. I knew then that I needed to fear not; that I needed to take Fear head-on and replace it with Faith.

I CAN do Hard things... my mother even told me so :)

That very night I looked online and tried to figure things out. So much to do. So little time, and I would probably be too late anyway. Oh well, I thought. I will just "look and see" for next year. Wait! What's this? There is still time to apply for financial aid? The Community College is still accepting applications for Fall 2009? Couldn't be! But it was...

Well, I thought. I guess I could apply and all. I mean, I am sure that there isn't any money left, and I probably won't get in anyway. WRONG!

Apparently EVERYONE gets in to community college... who knew? ;)

And apparently there WAS money left. In fact with my piss-poor impoverished small income, I qualified for enough money that I would be able to go this year solely on grants... No Loans!!!

The rest seemed like a whirl-wind. Placement Testing. Applications. Transcripts Transfer Request. Enrolling in Classes. Getting Books...

I can't believe that here I am six months later, with my "thought" turned into "action". I love that everyone was so encouraging and supportive. I love that Eric gave me the kick in the pants push that I needed.

I sat through a training seminar for a few years back. I remember the speaker saying, "Power comes from telling the truth." She was right. I had to answer that question truthfully. I had to face my fears and "cowboy up", so to speak. And once again, thankfully, my faith prevailed. Not to say that fear and doubt still don't find a way to sneak in sometimes... but hey - I've got straight A's, so I must be doing something right! :)

Back To School Week

Well, it was "Back to School" week around my house this week. Although I have three kids in three different schools this year, they are at least all on the same schedule. This hasn't happened since 2005! Finally, no one is on a year-round schedule.

The main difference is that my oldest is up at the high school about an hour before my other two have to be at their schools. I did warn him however, that since we are now within reasonable walking distance, he WILL be walking to and from most days...up hill...both ways...in the snow...without shoes... hehehe. My middle one's school is only about a block, so he is definitely walking. So, my daughter is the only one that I will for sure have to drive each morning and each afternoon. Definitely not as crazy as last year.

Of course, with "Back to School" there are the usual anxieties on the first day. Figuring out just the right outfit to wear, how to fix your hair, wondering if you friends will be in your class, who you'll sit by at lunch, etc. And unlike most other days of the school year, the first day of class seems to be the only day that the kids are up and ready to go without me having to prod, and way before it's time too!

Of course, there was the typical first-day-of school meltdown. A certain someone didn't have the right shoes to match the carefully selected outfit, and was then worried that her friends wouldn't approve of her new haircut, and was also certain that EVERYONE was gonna call her 4-eyes. Now, something you should know... she goes up to a different school because she is in a G/T program called "Spectrum". These are the EXACT SAME KIDS from her 3rd grade Spectrum class! Did she forget she had glasses last year??? *sigh* Well, guess what... she made it through the first day and EVERYONE LOVED her haircut.

But, the first night of homework was another story. FYI...ALL the crayons at our house are "stupid" cuz they don't all have their labels on them anymore, and they are "old & crummy" which makes it "very hard to color Cutthroat trout for Utah Studies!"... just so ya know...

*I* have also just started my first day of school!!!

Yes, you heard me!!! I am back in school, baby! I am taking a Criminal Justice class, an Interpersonal Communications class and a Computer Information Systems class.

I *WILL* say that there was sort of an *incident* that involved tears and another bit of a meltdown (ME)... but I will save it for "Not Me Monday"... Sigh...

Anyone else have a rough "Back To School" start?

Too Much Talking, Missing Assignments and Amish Marilyn

I struggle with my teenager and his grades. If I thought strangling him would help, I'd do it. I've threatened. I've restricted. I've cried. I've stripped him of anything fun. I just don't know what else to do. He is social and would rather attend school for fun verses learning. He doesn't see the point of half of his classes. I keep telling him that I will not be able to afford college for him and that he needs good grades. I also tell him that he would not enjoy repeating a year and therefore should apply himself. What's next? Military Academy? Charter School?

I wish I was home when school got out so I could make sure his homework was done right away. He has little organizational skills, and I fear he is just being lazy. Plus I worry that if he doesn't develop good study habits now - what will happen when he is in the real world? Am I nagging too much? Should I just let up? On the up side he is smart. He is smart enough to do the work and pass the classes. He is well-rounded. He is super funny and clever and extremely creative too. People like him. He is an overall good kid. Please send me your advice with what to do with his grades...

Speaking of grades... I was looking through my one and only box of childhood mementos. My mother saved all of my report cards and most of my state and national test scores. I don't ever really think I realized how well I did. In fact, I remember telling my friend that pretty much every report card said the same thing... "Too much talking" and "missing assignments". For some reason, this is what I remember. However, when thumbing through my report cards, I only came across those comments ONCE. How is it that I remembered those statements as being "the norm"? Did they really impact me that much?

I remember one teacher not liking me because I was NOT Amish. Let me explain. We lived in Northern Indiana, close to one of the largest Amish settlements in the country. We were going to move from the city school district to one in a neighboring town. This is where much of the Amish lived; in this town. Anyway, when my mom registered us for school, I found out that I would be in the same class as my Amish cousin, Daniel. The teacher's name was Ms. Christner. She was conservative Mennonite and therefore wore the prayer covering and simple dresses, etc. She was probably about 60 years old at the time. Well, to make a very long story short, let's just say Ms. Christner had a preference for the Amish kids. In her opinion they were quieter, more respectful, and hard workers. No doubt, all of those things were true. Basically, she just didn't want any trouble makers. And we all know that the English Kids (that's what the Amish call the non-Amish --"English"--cuz we speak English) are more out-spoken and therefore obviously a handful. Ok - so back to the story... Daniel had announced to the teacher that the new girl coming was his cousin. Ms. Christner was delighted -- until I arrived. She took one look at me and said, "You're not Amish!" Almost as if it were an accusation. "Nope," I said. "I am not Amish." She looked at me with disgust and pointed to my seat. It seemed I could do nothing to please this woman, hard as I tried. My hand-writing wasn't as neat as the Amish Girls'. And my desk was ALWAYS messy (especially compared to the Amish girls). And adjusting to a new school in the 4th grade and trying to fit in, I guess I was a little quirky. She was right, though. I wasn't very organized that year. I guess I didn't really enjoy school that year. Here is what she wrote at the end of the first semester: "There were several times that Emma could not find her completed assignments." Now, in my defense, I was for sure I had turned them in and SHE had just never given me credit for them.

At the end of the second semester, look what she wrote on my report card:

"I enjoyed being Marilyn's teacher." What the Freak??? It was clearly MY report Card and SHE wrote the WRONG comments!!! Of course she "enjoyed" being Marilyn's teacher; Marilyn was AMISH!!! Lol!

In Middle School, as we started taking placement tests, I would score in the 80th or 90th percentile nationwide in everything except for Science. I hated Science, and I was sure it hated me too! In Science I always scored in the 60th percentile. It was never in the "above average" section; always in the "average". I don't know why, but for some reason, I thought this was bad. Anyway, I let myself believe that I wasn't any good in Science, so I never really tried. Look at what my Science teacher wrote on my 6th grade report card during the first quarter:

No beating around the bush on that one, eh? Nothing positive at all to say... simply "too much talking". You can almost hear the implied exclamation too.

I did have a few great teachers in High School, whom I will never forget. My friend Celise & I had Freshman Biology together. And contrary to my difficulty in the Sciences, Celise aced science. - no problem. Being the quirky freshman that we were, trying to fit into high school, we goofed around a lot in all of the classes we had together. In biology we even pulled pranks with the "leftovers" from the dissecting unit - - but that's another blog in and of itself. Anyway, one day after class, Mr. Schultz asked me to stay behind to talk to me. He told me that I had a C in his class. He told me that it was apparent that I liked to have a good time in his class, but that while my friend Celise had no problem with the material, my grades were another story. He told me that if he thought a C was my best effort, we wouldn't be having this conversation. He stated that even though Biology might be hard for me, there was no reason I shouldn't be able to pull a B. He then said that during his lectures he goes over every answer to every question on the quizzes and tests and that if I just took notes and paid attention I should do well.

I was amazed. I was shocked. I goofed around in his class - he could have easily just stuck me in the back of the room and ignored me, waiting for the semester to be over. Instead he took the time to encourage me and tell me that I had worth. I worked my butt off in that class, because I wanted to test his theory. He was right. Because of him I started taking notes in every class. And I managed to stay on the honor roll all through high school and graduated with a 3.67 GPA.

Funny, how I forgot about all of that until looking at my report cards. Funny how those few negative comments made by one or two teachers was what had stuck in my mind all of these years as being "the norm".

That being said, I don't want the "negative" comments to stick in my son's mind. I want him to want to earn better grades. But I also want him to believe that he can achieve it and that he is worth it; because he is.