One thing I tend to obsess over is my grades. I remember a few semesters back, when I started a theory class - and it was HARD - I walked out with the instructor and was bemoaning about my latest test score, in spite of rigorous studying and diligent note-taking. He told me not to worry and that, compared to the rest of the class I was doing "quite well." I looked at him with horror and said, "according to my calculations, that last test just knocked me down to a B+." To which he replied, "Emma, in the grand scheme of things, no one is going to care if you get an A or a B in my class. Sometimes, you just need to loosen your sphincter." Yeah, my jaw dropped too (while he proceeded to laugh his way to his car).
Aside from my grades, the other time I tend to get a little uptight is when dealing with my children's behavior, especially when they are out in public - on "the loose". I expect/want them to be model citizens. I suppose it goes along with that once-upon-a-time image that I'd grow up to be the perfect wife and the perfect mother and have perfectly-perfect children and live in a perfectly charming house with the perfectly-perfect white picket fence. And while **I** know that my kids aren't perfect, I suppose my fear is that I don't want OTHERS to know, because, heaven forbid, it may reflect on my parenting skills (or lack thereof). So, I guess what I am saying is that yes, sometimes I fear what others may think of me.
On a deeper, more narcissistic level, perhaps what I really crave is praise on what an awesome mother I am and what a great job I've done raising such wonderful kids; praise that would be hard to come by if my children were hyperactive and uncontrollable and the type to make others shake their heads, cluck their tongues, and throw judgmental stares in my direction. Perhaps NOT having "those kids" (that others disdainfully whisper about) somehow makes me feel validated as a mother, that I got an 'A'.
Whatever the case, I also know that I can't manage all things, and least of all, other people. So while for the most part I try to keep the aforementioned anal-retentiveness at bay, throw a little anxiety into the mix, and it's all downhill from there; those cheeks tense right up!
This was the case this past weekend, when we were to have our Engagement/Family Photos. We had decided that since this upcoming marriage will include the joining of our families, we wanted our children to be in some of the pictures too. As much as the photographer (Mary) tried to reassure me that everything would turn out "gorgeous", I was still apprehensive. While the weather was warmer than it had been, the shoot location still had quite a bit of snow, more than I had anticipated. Add to that my anxiety over having pictures (of me) taken, a hyper-active 6 year-old who didn't respond very well to my pleas to stop running and kicking the snow and mud, and teenage children ready to hurl every time the poses included any sort of physical touching of each other. Yeah, I guess you could say I got a little uptight.
Eric tried to get me to loosen up and laugh and I did have to take several deep breaths and in the end remind myself that I'm a huge fan of natural consequences and if the kids actually do hurl from hugging or if the 6 year-old should slip and fall into a mud pit, well then, hey, we'll have the pictures to show for it, right? //Deep breath.//
Mary was a gem through out the entire ordeal and I am so grateful for her relaxed nature. (I promised her I'd take half a Xanax the day of the wedding though.) She somehow came through on her promise to make us look gorgeous, in spite of gritted teeth and head throbs, and all in about an hour. I'm so glad we went with her. I knew after seeing a few of the shots, I picked the right person to do our wedding photos! I'm so happy how our family shoot turned out, I'll even give you a sneak peek!
But first -- in other news -- some jerk somehow got my Visa debit # and made erroneous charges this morning in Del Ray Beach, FL and Charlotte, NC, completely wiping out my account and leaving me with a balance of -$102. Yeah, NEGATIVE $102. Not cool. I don't think I have enough Xanax to relax over that one just yet. //More deep breaths//
Ok -- on to the photos.
(See Mary Gibson Photography on Facebook for more of Mary's work.)
1 comment:
Congrats Emma! You look beautiful and your hair is goregeous! Funny 'cause my husband and I were just wondering if a couple in our ward had their baby and then we saw their pics on Mary's facebook page. Hope your wedding is wonderful! Congrats again! (Were the pics taken at The Garden Park Ward grounds in SLC? I had some bridal pics taken there back in the day.)
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