Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Does Not Compute

I am truly blessed right now in my life to be able to accomplish some of the things I have so desperately wanted to accomplish for many years; first and foremost -- going back to school.  I want to make sure that I vocalize how appreciative I've been that things have fallen into place with regards to going back to school, because the last thing I want is for this to feel like a pity party post.  Truly it isn't.  More of an explanation of sorts.

That being said -- I'm tired.

When I first started school I was working full time and going to school 3/4 time and of course being a full-time single mom 100% of the time too.  My classes were actually much easier back then, because most were the Gen Ed classes and nearly all of them were online.  It didn't affect my being able to be at home with the kidlets, nor did it affect my work.

As I completed my Generals however, and moved into the core curriculum of my major, the only choices I've had are to go to school during the day -- live classes.  The kinds of classes I need are all hands-on type of learning.  Online would be impossible.  So, I was fortunate enough to make it work with my job, and I've been fortunate enough to have a wonderful boss who lets me make that happen.

But---  (there's always a but)  things have changed once again.  Work is different now, because I've taken over the tasks of someone else who used to work there and I am more than twice as busy than I was before.  Because I go to class in the morning, every afternoon I feel like I'm playing catch-up at work.  Also -- we've gotten a lot busier.  So instead of staying a little late -- like 5:30 pr 6pm, I find I'm having to stay until 6:30, 7 and sometimes even 7:30pm to get the job done.  And I never take lunch any more.  Every minute I spend at lunch just feels like a minute more I'll be spending after hours.  I hate it.  I hate that I am not home for my kids like I want to be. But what I hate most is that I feel like I am barely functioning.

Doing my job takes a lot of mental "brain power".  I am so exhausted by the time I get home I feel like I can't even begin to comprehend my homework, let alone manage other things like paying bills, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc.  Sometimes a good cry helps -- but even that doesn't solve things.

Ever since my work situation has changed a few months ago, I feel...  out of it.  I feel like a shell of a person sometimes -- constantly trying to make heads or tails of everything.  There appears to be way too many demands on me than I have time or energy enough to give.

It's true -- I no longer return phone calls, emails, FB messages, and I barely get to my texts anymore.  I need to figure out how to simplify and I need to figure out what changes to make so that my life works for me.

Above all -- my anxiety about the future sometimes seems to get in the way of my faith.  Trying to "live and let go" or "give it to God" isn't always easy for me.  But two things I know for sure... Something's gotta give, and I will not let it be school.  I feel strongly that now is the time I am supposed to be in school.

Ahhh...  just making that declaration here on the ol' blogosphere makes me feel better.  It's not really a decision per se. But a decision to make a decision is better than no decision at all, right? haha.

Oh, and by the way -- a few of you have mentioned lately that I'm even harder to reach than before or you've been worried that I'm mad at you because I'm not really around much anymore.  Nah -- none of that is true.  I've just mentally checked out for a bit...  I guess one can only run on empty for so long.

It's all I can do to focus on the given task at hand.  Anything beyond that right now?  Well, that just does not compute.


Puphigirl said...

I remember those days of balancing school, work, family and church callings. Then something gave, I lost my job because it couldn't work around my class schedule. So, I lived off of a student loan, but I had the time for homework.

Of course, now I'm paying the student loans. Now I just balance work, commuting, family and church callings. I'm getting back into housework after taking a 4-year hiatus.

KiennaP said...

I'm sorry. just say like on a tuesday or Thursday that you "have to pick your daughter up from school" but instead just go take a break somewhere. Maybe go to the park and lie down in the car or listen to music or run home or something. It'll get better!

Carol said...

Wowsers!! Thank goodness 'It'll come to pass' and 'what doesn't kill you will make you stronger' and all that.

Hope you're surviving!!!