Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Barstool Chronicles

This all started a few Fridays ago. Big-D & I decide to go and watch the Jazz game at Iggy's. Well, it's Friday and it is like 7pm... C-R-O-W-D-E-D. We are told we can sit at the bar if there is room.

We find two seats, next to Normal Couple. We sit, and start to look at the menus. I notice across the bar in the corner is Landing Strip. Landing Strip, because he had facial hair that wasn't so much as a goatee as it was a skinny "landing strip". Landing Strip finishes his meal and orders a LARGE ice cream sundae and watches the game between intermittent texts.

Seated next to Landing Strip are Sports Talk & Stripey. They arrive about the same time we do. There are two empty seats next to them, followed by Fancy, a third empty seat, the Normal Couple & then us. Soon, the Homie Trio walks in. The Boys in baseball caps (1 wearing his backwards) and the girl with multiple piercings. Fancy freaks out and says, "I'm saving this seat!" almost in a shrill, panicked voice. The bartender tells White Homie (wearing a white sweatshirt) to come around to the end of the bar and grab an empty stool. He brings the stool back around and squeezes between Fancy and Fly Girl. Fancy does not look happy. She orders herself a glass of wine and turns her body away from the homies. I laugh and tell Big-D that she is in the wrong place. He isn't sure what the heck I am talking about.

Finally Mr. Fancy joins Fancy, in a sports jacket and orders himself an imported beer. Oooh... fancy. They also get some wings to split as an appetizer before their "main entree" which is a large salad each. Whoa.. go big! I continue to laugh as Fancy now has her body completely turned away from Homies at this point and I am sure she is clutching her hand bag tightly underneath the table.

Down the way, White Homie and Fly Girl are totally hitting it off. Pretty sure they are an item. They are sharing anecdotes of what has happened during her day while working at the Sally's Beauty Supply store and him at the loading depot. Red Homie is feelin a little bit like a third wheel, and thus begins a conversation with Sports Talk, about what else but the game.

They discuss how all of the players are on the chopping block and they just need to get their motivation and hustle back. As the two talk over Stripey he seems completely oblivious. He is intently focused on unfolding his napkin into his lap, and later as the food comes, he focuses intently on the entree at hand. He glances at the game perhaps, once **maybe** twice. Big-D says he believes he is the former weatherman's son (current weatherman's brother) and that he went to school with him. Apparently, he graduated the same year as we did.

Moving on to Landing Strip. He texts his honey-baby as she makes her way from LaGuardia airport to her hotel via taxi. She texts backs, he smiles sweetly, and then chuckles. She tells him she'll call once she gets checked in and up to her room. Within minutes his phone rings. "Hey Baby..." his deep-like-Barry White voice starts. She tells him about her flight and her layover time before working the next flight back tomorrow, for her job as an airline flight attendant. He tells her to be safe. They exchange the I Love You's and Good Night Sweeties and Landing Strip hangs up. He is left to his sundae and the rest of the game.

Sports Talk has gotten quiet and finishes the rest of her dinner with Stripey, mostly in silence, but bringing up the weather forecast once in a while.

By this time Red Homie is muttering under his breath, cursing his friends for "dragging him out of the house" only to make him feel like a third wheel. He pretends to be uber-focused on the game, periodically eyeing them with daggers during time-outs and commercial breaks.

Fly Girl cannot believe how funny White Homie has gotten, and **giggle, giggle** he is just so funny! That story about his boss slipping on the banana peel outside the loading dock is hilarious; or at least she'll lead him to believe so. They talk more about their upcoming Spring Break plans to visit his mom up in Idaho. Of course she'll go, **giggle, giggle**... Did he really even need to ask? Really?

By this time, Fancy is getting a headache, and going for straight water. Her teensy weensy little tummy can't possibly choke down that super-super huge salad, and she tells Mr Fancy, that she can't eat another bite. He tells her not to worry... What's a $15 salad anyway??? Pocket change... she excuses herself to go and throw up in the restroom.

Drunk Couple arrives and sits next to me, and they try to carry on a conversation about planning a birthday party for Mr. Drunk. (Sorry, no pics as they were sitting too close.) Apparently she had this brilliant idea to have a Me-hee-can Festa (said slurred). He said, thatsounsgreat (also slurred). Then, they ordered another round of drinks before the bartender told them she was cutting them off.

The Normals leave and things start to settle down. Big-D with his burger and fries and I with my Napoleono Pizza. I try to keep him abreast of the goings on around us, however he is lost. He can't keep the characters straight. He eats a slice of my pizza, I take a bite of some of his fries. We get refills on our soft-drinks and watch with baited breath as the Jazz come so close... and yet so far against the Grizzlies. Losing that last shot at the buzzer would have meant a victory for our boys. Nevertheless, the Grizzlies hit it Game over.


Anonymous said...

This is soooooooo funny! I love people watching!

greenolive said...

Too bad your team didn't win. It sounds like Fly girl and White homey did though.

Puphigirl said...

How are you able to take pics without people noticing? I think I would be to obvious.

Ashley said...

Hilarious! People watching is quite possibly one of my most favorite activities.

Ruthykins said...

so, did you actually hear landing strip's conversation, or are you just creatively filling in the blanks?

Sweet Sassy Molassy said...

Wait a minute! They make a pizza with chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla ice cream?

Alice in Wonderland said...

I loved this post, and the way that you give people names! I love people watching too...and I have always wanted one of those baseball caps with the peak at the back!

The Blonde Duck said...

I hate people who order salads and pretend to be full. You know they're going home and binging.

Susie said...

Too funny!

RhondaLue said...

you are just too much fun! You are an EXPERT people watcher!