Thursday, September 3, 2009

You Took

You took away my once innate ability to have confidence in myself. Now I question, I fear.

You took away my instinct to speak up. I hesitate. I keep it to myself.

You took away my desire to touch and be touched. For years, I thought I was the broken one.

You took away my capability to trust first and doubt second. I'm always looking for the lie, and often the lines are blurred.

You took away my appreciation for certain types of music, because now upon hearing it, triggers memories of you.

You took away my capacity to feel intelligent or sexy or good enough around certain types of men.

You took away my inclination to love your people. Granted, out-sourced call-centers don't help... but still...

You took away my feelings of hope. Though I realize now perhaps it was a false hope all along, it was some sort of hope nonetheless.

I had hoped to be loved, to be wanted, to be good enough. To be... happy.

But you took, and you took, and you took, and you took!

And then you had the audacity to Blame.Me. [Sometimes, you are a Freaking Jerk-Face.]

...[deep cleansing breath]...

But YOU WON'T WIN!!!

I may have been physically exhausted. I may have been emotionally beat down. I may have even been spiritually suffering. But I survived; I am still here. I am still my own person, and you cannot take that away from me...Ever. *I* am the one writing MY story now.

I am learning that I can do things I never thought possible. I am learning that I have potential, and that I CAN do hard things, and that people DO love me... and that one day, when I find *THE ONE* he will be so much better for me than you could ever have even hoped to be.

And yes, there are still times when the things you TOOK still have an effect on my actions, but (luckily) those times are dissipating.

As I recently wrote on the Blogstalker's blog while guest-blogging...

I love the notion that, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but rather we are Spiritual Beings having a human experience.” This adds significance to my plight in determining who I am, as now I desire to figure out who He already knows me to be. It fills me with hope and gives my journey purpose.

19 comments:

Yaya said...

(((Hugs)))

Laura said...

I love ya Em!!

Puphigirl said...

let your spirit soar!

The Willeyes said...

You go girl :)

Alice in Wonderland said...

EmmaP, My heart goes out to you, but you have touched so many people.
But, because he took away all of these things, he gave you wings to fly! So you just go for it girl, and know that we all here behind you.
So, soar high, my friend, and LIVE!!!
BIG HUGS!!!

Holli and Billy said...

LOVE IT Emma!!!

Debbi said...

Emma emma. Oh how we ARE kindred spirits. you know it.

You wrote these words and i instantly fell back into that time for me too. Sometimes, that time still comes back to me.

Luckily I have Will. Who gives and gives. I am back. I am happy. I can't wait to read your journey that way too!!! YOU ARE AWESOME!

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Hang in there... I promise it gets easier.

BlueCastle said...

You are a strong woman. I admire your determination and your fun spirit. You will survive, you will be better because of all the junk.

Susie said...

Doesn't it feel good to purge that? Once you state it,you can be free of it:-)

Donn Yoder said...

I really loved it! funniest line ever "outsourced call centers..." OMG i was almost ready to drop a tear before that line. I read that and it pulled me in a direction that i was not expecting to go. Powerful. It is artistry. You painted a canvas of words that will move people. While the words are by you and about you, they move beyond you. Emma, your experience, just got better!

erasundar said...

Good for you!!! And I love that last paragraph. Thanks for the inspiration.

Tulsi said...

Very well written!!

Big Sis said...

Emma, OMG, I need to talk to you! I will email you on FB to give you my email. I feel so sad but at the same time Im in awe with your strength. Miss you!----Amie (& Misi)

Vickie said...

Wow Emma! That was good!

Sorry, someone did this to you.
{{Hugs}}

Lilly said...

AMAZING!!! You spoke the words I long to say and many other women too. The fact you came out the other side makes you a strong woman. And you are free of it and can now start to shape the life you want. You are intrinsically good that is why someone bleeds you dry. You are everything he is not. Its tough but time is a healer and one door closed means another will open. Scary but exciting too. Powerful post!!!

purplehaze said...

Wow that was heavy!

RhondaLue said...

I missed that post on Blogstalker, I'll have to go back and find it!

great post! Outsourced call centers!!! Now we all know what nationality he is!

Megan said...

You go girl! Tell him! You are one strong woman & mama and you can do ANYTHING!!!