So, logically, I KNOW many things. Emotionally, I know what I feel. Most days, I choose to let logic win. But, once in a while doubt and fear creep in, mixed in with exhaustion and stress, I choose to let my emotions get the best of me. Sometimes, I choose to have myself a Pity Party. Well, the other night I was having just such a party. I ended up venting to someone via email, actually two different someones. I really just wanted to talk to someone who perhaps had been going through or already gone through what I have been feeling. However, I didn't think it would be very nice to call anyone in the middle of the night. Here's a compilation of the emails I sent. After re-reading it, I decided to Blog it because I use my blog as a journal of sorts. And I know that one day I will reread this and think, "Boy, was that lame!" or "wow! I've come a long way." So, pardon the rambling, as it was after 1 in the morning...
August 8, 2009
So its the middle of the night and no surprise that I cannot sleep. Having one of those down moments where all I seem to do is cry, toss, turn and cry some more. Pathetic, I know. I was in Nevada for our family reunion and I came home Thursday. I feel like the odd one out. I hate that feeling. I am supposed to be the strong one. I do not feel strong. I am someone the others are supposed to look up to. I am supposed to be a support system for my family. Being there amidst my sisters, I realized I was neither.
And I know this is rather haughty of me... But you know the story of the prodigal son? There are 2 sons. One is obedient and works hard. The other is not and does not and ends up straying from home. While he is gone, the good one continues to be good and work hard. Then the wayward one returns, and is showered by his father with love, gifts and affection, while the obedient son sits back and watches and thinks, "this is not fair! I was the good one!" Well, there are days in which I can relate to the obedient one. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do, or I tried, really hard. I had a few sisters that didn't always do what they were supposed to. They did "return to the fold" and now, like upon the return of the prodigal son, they have the very thing which I desire. They have the happy marriages and the good spouses. All while I sit back and watch and feel like crying to everyone, including the Lord at times, "but I was the good one!"
I realize we all have our trials; and it is through our trials that we become stronger, and enduring our trials is a way to define who God already knows us to be; like a refiner's fire.
But today, for this moment, I just need to cry. I want with desperation to be wanted. I want to love and be loved. I want to be held; not held back. I want to be able to not cry any more. I want to feel that somebody could love me for me, even if I am never better than what I am right now at this very moment.
On the one hand I feel like my heart is so full of love to give that it will burst. On the other hand it feels so empty, it might shatter. I realize in the grand scheme of things, my time, my "waiting period" if you will, has been but a small moment. But I also feel exhausted; tired of waiting. I want to see the end from the beginning. I want to know my place. I want to feel less lost and more found, and I don't know how else to do that without feeling love.
So, the next day, I am uploading family reunion pics to FB and one of my Friends From Back Home (FFBH) sees I am online. The dialogue goes somewhat like this:
FFBH: So... I've been thinking.
Me: Uh-oh...this doesn't sound good. Maybe I should just say sorry now?
FFBH: No need to apologize, lol.
Me: Whew! So, what have you been thinking about?
FFBH: the emails...
Me: Ohh snap! I forgot about those. Isn't there like a magic eraser button or something?
FFBH: No. Actually, I was quite impressed. You have this ability to identify how you are feeling and put it into words. A lot of what you wrote rang true for me, I just don't always write it down.
FFBH: You realize that most of what we go through emotionally is what we allow ourselves to go through?
(Yeah, um, see, he's like this therapist... so he's good.)
Me: Interesting...I guess I can see that.
FFBH: It's amazing what we as humans actually put ourselves through.
So, as I thought about that all day, I decided I could not allow myself to go through certain feelings/drama/duress anymore; it was just too hard. And that if there was a question I felt was going unanswered, perhaps I wasn't asking the right question. Or perhaps I wasn't asking it direct enough. I decided to change that.
Also, the more I thought about the Prodigal Son and his "Not Fair" Brother, the more I realized this: The brother WAS rewarded. He was rewarded in that he already stood to gain all that his father had. He WAS rewarded in that he didn't have to go astray, live among fifth, and live in despair to know the truth. He didn't have to endure those same trials his brother did. He was already firm in his faith.
I am reminded time and time again through myriads of accounts in the scriptures that after the trials come the blessings. I know that I will be blessed. I know that I have ALREADY been blessed. I was blessed to be firm in my faith. I didn't HAVE to "hit rock bottom" and stray a little as perhaps some of my siblings, in order for me to recognize and come to know the truth. I ALREADY stand to gain all that my Father has in store for me. I am already rewarded in so many ways. And of course, it could ALWAYS be worse.
But sometimes, I suppose I just need a good cry! :)