Fact: I've only been dumped twice in my entire life. The first time was 20 years ago; I was 15. The second time was 6 months ago... I was...er, um, yeah... 35. Grrr...Big-D.
Fact: Both times sucked. Both times I felt like my heart was going to explode right through my chest cavity and burst into a million pieces on the ground in front of me. Must by why they call it heartache.
Sunday July 23, 1989
This past weekend was Youth Conference. It was really great, except for one main thing. Eric. I suppose you could say that Eric let me down. We had a talk and he said that we should just be friends. But he hasn't seemed to act very friendly lately. Like today, when I said hello, he didn't respond. But no matter what happens, I could never hate him. A big part of me still loves him because we shared so many things that were like secrets to everyone else. We told each other things we never told anyone else. Right now I'm feeling like a big part of me is missing; a part of my heart. It's like I had a nice package, neatly wrapped up and then he came and untied it.
Fast forward to age 18. I went off to college at BYU-Hawaii. Eric was there, serving a mission for our church. There were a lot of "coincidences"; too many for this one post.
Age 19. I was engaged and having several doubts. I wasn't certain. And yet, for some reason I said "yes" anyway. I flew home for the summer to attend my sister's wedding just a few months before my own. I remember this incident like it was yesterday and think about it All.The.Time.
Monday July 12, 1993
There are many emotions I am feeling right now. It seems lately that everything is so confusing... just this past year Eric and I talked several times. Then, shortly after Christmas, shortly after meeting [the man formerly known as my husband] I talked to Eric on the phone. It just didn't seem like we had anything to say anymore. I thought perhaps that I was finally over him after four years of pining over him. And I'm not in love with him anymore; I mean I am getting married to someone else. But maybe you just never really forget your first love.
Anyway, yesterday I saw Eric at church. He came home from his mission. I was surprised to see him there as I turned to walk out of the chapel. As I walked towards him, I looked at him and he looked at me. I tried my best to smile at him, as if to say hi. He sort of nodded back and gave a half smile. As I reached the point where he was standing, I paused and we looked at each other for a brief moment. His eyes told me he had lots to say. My heart ached for him. I knew that he was going through something. There were so many things I wanted to say to him; wanted to ask him. I wanted to know what everything meant from the last 10 months. I wanted to know how he was. I wanted to talk to him; to hug him and to have him want to hug me back. I wanted to tell him everything would be okay. I said nothing. I walked on. I am engaged to someone else; in love with someone else. He seemed to understand.
Experiencing my most recent heartache this past year has brought me back to this one pivotal point in my life several times. I know that the life I am living now is a direct result of the choices I have made thus far and I am truly grateful for my children. I realize that my experience may be somewhat altered today if I would have made a different decision back then. But I do not want to live with any more "what-if's" when it comes to love.
I want to give my heart and my trust and I want to give it with everything I can. And then, after I have given everything, when or if it doesn't go my way, I can move on in peace.
I'm not trying to move mountains here... just looking for that thing called love.