Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Glutton For Punishment

I try. Mostly, I do. Ok, sometimes I do. I try to make sure everyone in the household is eating good, healthy well-balanced meals. However, much of the time, I admit, we are eating on-the-run. So, it's quick fixes and easy-to-make dishes. Quesadillas, Tacos, Grilled Cheese, steamed veggies in those new awesome steamer bags you stick in the microwave and the like. If all else fails, in response to their "what's for dinner" petitions, I call out, "Cereal. Sandwiches. Whatever you can find." Sometimes, to some children, that means the entire apple pie sitting on the wire rack to cool. To another child, he may have thought that meant chocolate ice cream for breakfast. And as of late, even my healthy-eater, PrettyPrettyPrincess has resorted to junk in a pinch. Whaddya do, right? I mean, it's not like they're starving. Though, if you ask LittleDuckling, he may just inform you otherwise.

LittleDuckling has quite the insatiable appetite. He is always starving! Not only that, but he has quite the palatable appetite too. No ordinary PB&J for this kid. He is opening that pantry and/or fridge door at least 10 times a night. I am just glad that his metabolism and/or good genes keeps him from being overweight.

Here's the dialogue that occurs all too often, and usually starts about an hour after dinner, and almost always just after I've gotten on my jammies and snuggled in bed, working on my laptop.

LittleDuckling: [calling out] I'm Starving!
Me: [calling out back]Well, find a snack.
LittleDuckling: We have NOTHING GOOD to eat!
Me: There's apple slices and yogurt in the fridge.
LittleDuckling: I don't want that.
Me: Well, there's crackers in the pantry. Or have a bowl of cereal.
LittleDuckling: [whimpering noises]
Me: Fine, get some fruit snacks or a LittleDebbie or something.
LittleDuckling: We're all out.
Me: Well, whaddya want me to do about it?
LittleDuckling: I just want something do we have Shrimp or Ribs or Mashed Potatoes or chocolate cake or something like any of that?
Me: What the freak? No. We just ate dinner! Whaddya think I am - a restaurant?
LittleDuckling: I'm still hung-ry! I can't help it.
Me: Well, you'd better find something fast, cuz the kitchen's closed and if I have to get outta bed to find you a snack, you're not gonna like what I fix you.
LittleDuckling: Like what?
Me: Grits or Chamomile tea or something.
LittleDuckling: [grunts] Fine. I'll just have some toast or crackers.
Me: [to myself] Crap! Grits and Chamomile both sound good right now.
Me: [calling out] Hey, buddy? Still out there? Wanna fix Mommy some grits or tea

no response.
Me: Anyone out there? Anyone?

I debate getting out of bed for an evening snack... nah... not worth it.

Anyway, our pantry door doesn't latch shut properly unless you sort of lean against it. Well, like LittleDuckling, the pooch has quite the insatiable appetite too. Aw, who am I kidding? She's one gluttonous mutt.

Like LittleDuckling, 4LeggedCreature thinks she is starving. She also has a palatable appetite. She gets easily bored with her mundane day-in and day-out everyday diet dog food. Can't say as I blame her though. How many of us could eat the same exact thing everyday? But unlike LittleDuckling, 4LeggedCreature is overweight.

Anyway, back to the story. 4LeggedCreature has phenomenal hearing. She can be all the way downstairs, in the boy's closet sniffing out whatever moldy sock is lurking in the corner and as soon as she hears that pantry door open, she is front and center. She can be all the way in the back forty, barking loudly at the neighbor's dog...but when that pantry door opens, she is at the door - PRONTO - ready to be let in.

4LeggedCreature gets especially excited when she finds that LittleDuckling is the one in the pantry. Thus because she knows her chances are greater when he's home, since he is the one most in the pantry and because she knows that he will be so focused on the food, he will forget to lean against the door, double checking to make sure it is shut tight.

Anyway, so the other night the traditional scenario unfolds. LittleDuckling with his whining food protests. Me, with my unsympathetic repartee. 4LeggedCreature, front and center. In a matter of moments, I hear whimpering; a struggle of some sort ensues. Now, being totally distracted that I can't even blog (the nerve!) I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!

Yes. It's the Gluttonous Mutt. She waited until LittleDuckling found his treat and walked away. Then she pawed at the bottom of the pantry door, enough to pull it loose. She busted into the honey nut Cheerio's. Yes. That is a picture of her with her head stuck in the box. Yes. Those are crumbs on my kitchen floor (hey - just keepin it real). Yes, you're right. Those aren't really Honey Nut Cheerio's. They are actually the generic "Honey & Nut Toasted Oats" version. Yum. And Yes. She really did eat the entire contents. I know this, because there was enough puke spewed on my kitchen floor throughout the middle of the night to prove it. Swiffer that!

I know y'all are jealous. Try to keep yourself contained.


Ruthykins said...

so, did your dog lose a leg? she use to be 4leggedcreature, but now she's 3leggedcreature. just wondering.

Cindy said...

:0 oh my gosh.
The conversation brings me back to my days as a kid. I can still hear my mom yell, "I'm not running a restaurant!"

Kaye Butler said...

I don't have to stretch back as far as Cindy for my memories of that conversation, My HUSBAND has that conversation with me now. He usually ends up begging me to drive the 7 miles back to town at 10 pm just to get him a snack. I haven't given in yet.

I with Ruthykins, did the dog loose a leg?

We had a lab that got his head stuck in the grill. I left the lid up to cool it down so I could clean it, it smelled good to him and I guess he bumped it enough that the lid fell down, he made horrible noises.

I hate to disappoint, my blog will not have videos of Me and the Wii. I couldn't harm innocent people like that. Oooo, maybe I could record Taylor, we could laugh at her.

EmmaP said...

Lol. That was funny that I sub-consciously punished her by lobbing off a leg. Well, she gained it back. Just me loosing my mind. Probably not always a good idea writing posts when I am dead tired. Thanks for making me aware of my error, Ruthykins. At least someone's looking out for the dog...

Two Blessings From Above said...

That picture is priceless! My kids never stop eating, I feel like a short order cook half the time.

The Willeyes said...

That picture is awesome! "T" is the same way...he is ALWAYS starving! Great post!

TravAndToni said...

I'm surprised your 4Legged doesn't pick up the crumbs off your floor for you! That's the down side of having cats... they're far pickier (is that a word?) about what they eat than we are. They would never stoop to eating from the pantry. Serve themselves?!? Heaven forbid.

RhondaLue said... dogs were too low class to even care about the pantry..they just cared about the garbage can and the stinky diaper remains in them,etc. Yah, I know-now you're picturing it. you're welcome.

#2 honey nut cheerios made the dog puke? Hmmm maybe you should ditch the generic and go for the name brand next time. ha ha

#3 I say that to my kids ALL THE TIME. KITCHEN. IS. CLOSED. It makes me the MADDEST when I'm still cleaning up after a phenomenal 3 course dinner that I painstakingly prepared and kids are already staring blankly into the fridge. I mean, SERIOUSLY???!!!

purplehaze said...

sounds like my youngest only he comes home from school finds something to eat and by the time dinner is ready he is not hungry, gee I wonder why. Seems like there is never anything good in the house to them.

Susie said...

I do not envy you. We have girls and although they can eat, they aren't that bad:-)

andrew's mom said...

HILARIOUS! I needed a good laugh today-thanks Emma!

Blog Stalker said...

well, I think I have your kids twin! He is hungry 10 minutes after leaving the buffet, I kid you not!

And he is a rail to boot! just not fair!

Have a great day!

Shauna said...

oh wow! I am new here! What a great blog :)

Paige said...

Isnt it funny how the dog can learn how to get food, but the kid cannot learn to shut the pantry so the dog does not?

I have a dog that will open drawers, the pantry and even the fridge looking for food--but he is always on hyper alert to hearing me so I have never caught him with his head in the box. Then again, it would not fit either. I have caught him with an entire turkey in his mouth.

And yes, he took it OUT of the fridge

Holli and Billy said...

Emma, you have outdone yourself with this post! This is a new favorite!

Megan said...

Totally hilarious! LOVE. IT.