Pray. Then Press On.

Once upon a time I went through a very difficult (for me) period in my life. I felt alone, in spite of good friends/family who offered moral support.

They'd tell me, "You're such a strong person."  I'd think, "Well, I don't feel strong," crying all night, many consecutive nights, for the better part of the year.

I often wondered, "How will get I through this?" All I had to hang on to was hope. So I prayed a ton and pressed on.

That dark period started just over 6 years ago. Since that time I endured divorce, going back to school while working and raising 3 kids on my own, and numerous sleepless nights - tossing & turning, worrying how I would pay a certain bill or how I would afford to fix problems in my little dumpy house which was always falling apart, or how I was going to make the last $5 in my checking account feed my family for the next two weeks.  I questioned if I'd ever fall in love again, if someone could love me "for who I am, even if I am never any better, prettier, thinner, or less-flawed than I am right now, at this very moment."

I wondered, "Is God hearing me?" Admittedly, I even thought (like the brother of the prodigal son), "I was the GOOD one.  Why me, Lord? Why me?"

But He was listening, and He did hear me. He allowed others to serve on my behalf.  A gallon of milk would appear on my door step. A neighbor would bring over a hot dinner for no apparent reason other than she wanted to. An envelope of $200 would arrive in my mailbox the week before Christmas. The man around the corner would bring me an "extra" holiday ham because they had "one too many." A crate of Thanksgiving dinner would show up on my front porch. My yard was magically mowed, my driveway mysteriously shoveled. A $20 bill would fall from a jacket whilst retrieved from the clothes dryer. I would get an "inspired" idea for a completely made-up recipe using the last sleeve of saltines and the last small can of tuna (loaves & fishes?) from the pantry and it was plenty to feed my family, and better yet-- they liked it.  And what were the chances I'd live across the street from the best auto mechanic around with mad skills that my older vehicle always seemed to need? How lucky was I to live among loving, Christ-like neighbors who always knew when I needed talk-therapy and tears, and maybe even some warm muffins or brownies, even if it was 2 in the morning?

For these tender mercies I was always grateful. But at the same time I hated it too. I wanted to be the giver! I wanted to be the one to serve!

Years ago I received a personal promise from the Lord, that if I lived my life paying a full tithe, I would not only have sufficient for my family, but I would "be able to share with those that are in need."  Well, I paid my tithes.  What about His part of the deal?

But apparently, my "blessing" wasn't on the instant gratification fast path.  It came to me in His own time, in His own way(s).  And in the grand scheme of things, looking back, my period of 6 dark years is in reality a small drop.  After all, my life's not over yet.

As of a year and a half ago, I am happily remarried.  My wonderful, kind, and patient husband listens, comforts, and often tells me the things I most need to hear. He is a hard worker and highly intelligent, and I've been blessed in a way that I no longer worry about finances or trying to juggle work and school. He is my biggest fan and is always encouraging me to pursue my career goals.  We are walking Christ's path together and words cannot express how much joy this brings. Since marrying him I have physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually felt my burdens lift.

By the world's standards we are not rich. But our lives are richly blessed and I am finding I am able to serve others in ways which are meaningful to me (and hopefully them).  Giving to others fills something inside of me that I cannot fully explicate, except to say it's my balm of Gilead.

Looking back and seeing the Lord's helping hand, guiding me, aiding me in the midst of my trials and seeing my own personal and spiritual progression, I have a personal testimony that I am loved and that, yes, I am strong!

There is no getting around, ducking under, or jumping over our trials.  There is only going through. And only when we emerge the victor and no longer the victim of our trials, do we begin to realize our own fortitude.

I can do hard things. So can you. I am strong. So are you. With God, everything is possible. Don't give up. Instead, pray. Then press on.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Seven

I am grateful my mother taught me that I can do hard things.

Sometimes, especially in the midst of any given trial, it's easy to wallow - to think, "Why me?", "Why now?" or "What did I do to deserve this?"  And even though our trials may not be easy or seem fair or come at a covenient time, I do believe that they provide us opportunity for growth and development.  I know I've said it before, but I truly believe that while I do not have to let my trials DEfine me, they most certainly help to REfine me.

Sometimes, our trials may seem near impossible to get through.  But, then, once we've been tenacious and survived, we can look back and feel a sense of strength in all they we have overcome.  I look back on the past 10 years of my life.  In many cases I never could have imagined the trials which awaited me.  However, I do feel blessed that I was able to endure and that even though she's not here, I'd often hear my mother's voice reminding me that I can do hard things, that I will be okay and that things always have a way of working out.

I believe this outlook specifically can lend to the synergy of a positive outcome.  In essence, for people who believe that things will eventually work out, things eventually do.

I am grateful for this belief instilled in me at such an early age, that I can do hard things.

Sunday Sentiments: Finding Gratitude

'Tis the month in which we begin to turn our thoughts to Thanksgiving for many things. I am sure that I don't have anything profound to share with you readers, as far as Gratitude goes. Or, at least nothing that you haven't already heard before. Nonetheless, if you know me by know you know the best way for me to process my thoughts is to get them down "on paper" or to talk them out, per se. So, here are some of my thoughts today on Gratitude.

I've heard it said before that if our hearts are full of gratitude, that leaves little room for wallowing. I think there is some great truth to that. If you're like me, then perhaps there are times, as you reflect on your current life the missing pieces tend to sting your heart a little more than at perhaps other times. I know when I am busy I don't often have the time to reflect on the things I do not have. But sometimes, in the quiet moments when left with my own thoughts, it's easy to feel a little dejected or sad about the things I feel are missing. Sometimes, it's the yearning for these "missing pieces" that keeps me up at night.

I admit that sometimes I wonder about certain trials I have in my life. I realize that while there are some trials or challenges we bring upon ourselves, it is often the bigger challenges -- the ones we don't have control over -- that give me reason to ponder. Do you think that we were predestined to have certain trials as early as the preexistence? I mean, God, being all-knowing... do you think He created us knowing then what we'd be facing now? Do you think perhaps we knew it too, before we came to earth? Sometimes I envision a meeting in Heaven and God asking, "Who is willing to have cancer?" "Who would be willing to forgo children on earth?" "Who will be the one to suffer through a tragic loss or horrible divorce?" "Which of you will agree to no arms or Downs Syndrome?" I wonder how much of our lives here we understood before even being conceived. And if this were the case, that would then imply that we willingly accepted our trials knowing that in the end the blessings we would receive or the lessons we would learn would benefit us in some way.

I realize it sounds strange to think, "what lesson can I learn from suffering through this disease? or the death of a loved one? or not being able to bear children?" But I also believe in the teaching that after the tribulations come the reward. Furthermore, I believe that any trial we suffer here will be made up for once we return to Him after this life. In other words, our endurance to the end will be merit the most glorious reward; one that we cannot even imagine. The trick is to stay the course, to keep fighting the fight, and to find joy in the journey.

I do have a few friends that have told me that they feel fortunate because they really haven't had any monumental trials. To those who fall into that category, I warn, "Don't worry. Your day will come." :)

As I sat in church today my heart was full. For some reason, today it seemed I could glimpse the heart of others more so than perhaps other days. I could see joy in the faces of parents with newborn babies, or soon-to-be-married children. I could see joy in the newcomers for feeling at home here. But I could also see the pain and heartache in others. I could see the hurt that some have perhaps gone through. What can I say? I am a sap. All it takes is to see someone hurting for whatever reason -- ANY reason -- and I feel for them. My heart becomes heavy and my tears start to flow. And one in particular. I saw her pain, and even though I am not in her circumstance, I knew that she was feeling loss and loneliness. I knew that she had feelings of frustration and of self-doubt, and even possibly questioned her self-worth. I could recognize it because I have been there, and at many times still am. I knew that there is that ONE thing that she so desperately wants in her life, but yet she has not yet been granted.

I then thought about my ONE thing. The one thing that is MY missing piece, that often stings my heart. I thought about the ache I have felt and still feel over not having that one thing. I could empathize with her. I don't know that we have ever even had a conversation. But, I knew her heart in that moment.

I then thought about my Savior. If I was given an opportunity to glimpse this girl's heart and to feel her pain and to know her aches, how much more the Savior has felt and how much more He knows. Truly, He has is the one who has already felt everything we are feeling.

That thought brought me back to gratitude. I am grateful that I have a Savior who knows me and loves me. I am grateful that through my trials I have been able to see and receive the love of others. I am grateful that my trials have softened my heart and that through them I have been blessed with the ability to empathize with others.

I have a sister who taught me about gratitude a few years ago. She reminded me that being grateful for the little things is just as important as being grateful for the big things. Because of the example she set for me, I feel I have learned more gratitude. For example, now when I experience those "near-misses" like while driving, I don't just breathe a sigh of relief. I utter a quick word of gratitude to God. It is being grateful for the little things that have helped me have a heart full of grace and to be better able to handle the big things.

I admit, many a times I wonder, "Why AFTER?" Why is it AFTER the tribulation THEN come the blessings? Why can't I just have the blessings first? Of course I know the answer would be because then they would not be recognized as blessings, and I would not have learned whatever it is I needed to learn, nor would I have been strengthened in the way that only enduring a trial can strengthen me. And of course, having trials allows others to realize their potential to offer service, for which I am extremely grateful.

We have natural eyes, which lack the ability to see the end from the beginning. Although I struggle with patience at times, I am truly grateful for many, many things; my trials included. I am also grateful that God allows me to continue to learn and grow in my trials. Do you ever look back at some of your past trials and think, "wow! I got through that!" I think that is part of the blessing or reward. The empowering feeling that we receive by learning that we can do hard things.

I guess today I would challenge you to look at your own trials, past or present, and ask yourself if there has been anything gained by them for which you can be grateful.

Of course, in all of my gratitude, I should mention I am grateful to you! Many of you have offered encouraging words of love and support over the past three years. I am so grateful for that. I am also grateful you made it to the end of this [somewhat] long post! Haha! Now go... go and be grateful!

Attitude & Hope

If I'm a believer, and I am, then I have to believe that the Lord does not give me more than I can handle; even if I do feel slightly overwhelmed and broken-hearted at the moment.

If I have faith, and I do, then I must believe that the Lord knows not only what's best for me, but also my heart, and I need to be patient and trust.

If I trust in the Lord, and I do, then I must realize that He will help those who help themselves. In other words, those who act in faith. Being patient doesn't mean doing nothing. It means acting in faith, knowing that when the time is right, the answer will come.

If I am a doer, and I am, then I must have hope. I believe we are all blessed with a heritage of hope. That those who came before us didn't go through their struggles in vain, but to build a better future for their future generations; for us.

Am I stressed? Yes. Am I a little sad? A little. But do I have hope? Yes, I do. Otherwise, what's the point, right?

I know that if I continue to work for the good, no matter how hard things seem, or even if it seems pointless at the time, one day, perhaps when I least expect it, the tides will shift as the ebb and flow of life takes place, and I will find what I am looking, working and hoping for.