Waiting for Normal

I haven't been feeling well lately. Sometimes I feel like I need to vent. I've always been one to write it down in my journal or a notebook. Now, I blog. But I worry that it comes across that all I ever do is complain or whine. I hope not. Truthfully, I try to be a happy person. I try to be upbeat and positive. However, to be quite frank, it's been hard lately.

I am constantly feeling like something's gotta give. And usually something does. And while I try to stay afloat and keep my head above water, I feel like I am barely breathing some days.

There are days in which my heart feels so heavy that it just sort of weighs me down. My mind is filled with worry over many, many things. Honestly, most of the time I don't really know how I even manage. Do you ever feel like you're on auto pilot? Yeah, I feel like that a lot -- though it's like I am flying through thick fog or a storm, not really sure what's waiting on the other side, but yet anxious to get there nevertheless.

For the longest time, I think I kept telling myself in the back of my mind, that one day things will get back to "normal" and then I can worry about fixing my "problems". One day, when I get married again, then I will have my own home, and I can become more organized and have a more "normal" schedule, and run a more "normal" household, and get more "normal" sleep, and things will feel more "normal" and settled for my kids.

I think I kept trying to convince myself that it was okay that things felt a little chaotic for the time being, because someday they would be "normal" and then I could start working on all of that other stuff.

But, then it hit me. What if I spend my time waiting for "normal" to happen and it just never does? What will become of my family? What will become of me? I cannot waste my time waiting for "normal" to happen. I either have to make "normal" happen or learn to manage without it.

Perhaps "normal" just isn't in the cards for me right now. Sometimes I think, maybe I am not supposed to worry about my own happiness until my kids are grown and out of the house. Maybe I am just supposed to focus on them right now, and work and school. Y'know... forget about me. Perhaps I have been too selfish with my own feelings, and letting my hopes and dreams for "normal" get in the way. Maybe I just needn't worry about that right now.

I worry a lot about my children, about how the choices I make affect them. I worry about screwing them up. Every choice I make or don't make could have a huge impact on their lives. Sometimes the choices we make are more about the choices we leave behind. Perhaps it is time I leave behind this notion of "normal" for now, and create a new sense of "normal" for my family. I don't really know what that will mean. Who knows... maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.

Meeting Normal: A Pathetic Attempt at Free Verse

I walk into a crowded store and start to feel anxious.
Am I normal?
If I know I'm gonna see him or talk to him, I feel happy and nervous and sick and giddy inside.
Am I normal?
I can't sleep. I toss. I turn. I flip the pillow over to get to the cold side.
Am I normal?
I feel like I'm breaking or broken or falling or spinning or something.
Am I normal?
I feel like crying because I'm tired, or I stubbed my toe, or simply because the sky is blue.
Am I normal?
The things I love I don't do and the things I do I don't love.
Am I normal?
I pace. I fidget. I can't sit still. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing.
Am I normal?
I think about the word 'normal' and say it over and over until it sounds funny.
Am I normal?
I read. I blog. I cry. I blog. I laugh. I blog. I can't sleep. I blog.
Am I normal?
I meet someone crazier, poorer, messier, lonelier, and quirkier than me and think,
I. Am. Normal.