You Took

You took away my once innate ability to have confidence in myself. Now I question, I fear.

You took away my instinct to speak up. I hesitate. I keep it to myself.

You took away my desire to touch and be touched. For years, I thought I was the broken one.

You took away my capability to trust first and doubt second. I'm always looking for the lie, and often the lines are blurred.

You took away my appreciation for certain types of music, because now upon hearing it, triggers memories of you.

You took away my capacity to feel intelligent or sexy or good enough around certain types of men.

You took away my inclination to love your people. Granted, out-sourced call-centers don't help... but still...

You took away my feelings of hope. Though I realize now perhaps it was a false hope all along, it was some sort of hope nonetheless.

I had hoped to be loved, to be wanted, to be good enough. To be... happy.

But you took, and you took, and you took, and you took!

And then you had the audacity to Blame.Me. [Sometimes, you are a Freaking Jerk-Face.]

...[deep cleansing breath]...

But YOU WON'T WIN!!!

I may have been physically exhausted. I may have been emotionally beat down. I may have even been spiritually suffering. But I survived; I am still here. I am still my own person, and you cannot take that away from me...Ever. *I* am the one writing MY story now.

I am learning that I can do things I never thought possible. I am learning that I have potential, and that I CAN do hard things, and that people DO love me... and that one day, when I find *THE ONE* he will be so much better for me than you could ever have even hoped to be.

And yes, there are still times when the things you TOOK still have an effect on my actions, but (luckily) those times are dissipating.

As I recently wrote on the Blogstalker's blog while guest-blogging...

I love the notion that, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but rather we are Spiritual Beings having a human experience.” This adds significance to my plight in determining who I am, as now I desire to figure out who He already knows me to be. It fills me with hope and gives my journey purpose.

Sweet Little Lies...

I am an extremely honest individual. I don't lie. I just don't. Not to say that I have NEVER lied. I mean, mostly when I was a kid, I'd look for loopholes, so it wouldn't require me to lie. Example, my mom would ask, "Emma, did you do your homework?" I would answer, "My English and Math are all done!" Now, I didn't happen to mention that I still have Biology or Geography... So, I have done the loophole thing or the "answer a question to avoid a question", just for the sake of NOT completely lying.

So, a few weeks ago when I was filling out forms for my Concealed Firearms Permit I sort of fudged on one "fill-in-the-blank". Not that I would ever LIE about my past history, criminal activity (lack of it) or anything of great importance like that.

But I LIED about my weight. I wasn't going to put down my actual weight. Besides, I figured I needed it to match my Driver's License, right? And my DL info was filled out quite a while back, and I probably fudged that figure a little too. Plus, anytime anyone ever looks at it I wouldn't want them to see how much I weigh. Yikes!

And generally speaking, whenever I do gain/lose weight, there isn't that much difference in my face anyway, and it is after all just a "mug shot". My face doesn't change all that much. Nope. My FAT is always located in the "central region"; y'know, between the boobage and knees.

Afterwards, I thought about it, and wondered, "is there anything else I lie about?" I pondered that the entire way home. Nope. I couldn't think of one other thing. I just cannot tell a lie...unless it's about my weight!



What about you? Do you think "little white lies" are ok? Have you ever "fudged" your weight a little? It's okay, I won't tell on you, if you promise not to tell on me.