Tales of the Amish Gnome

Ok - so last weekend, I told you that there was a church Valentine's Dance down at the stake center. My neighbor across the street is the Activities Chairperson, and I am on her committee. Ergo, I could not get out of the dance. I joked about taking a blow-up doll as my date, but 1) I didn't have one and 2) what would "he" have done while I was busy on my kitchen/food prep shift?


Anyway, I get there early to help set up the food. The place looks great. The decorations are awesome. Here are a few pics I snagged before the party began. (they are taken with my phone and the room was sort of dim, so sorry about the quality.)

Anyway - I am on the first "kitchen shift" for refreshments and food. As I am carrying veggie trays and scooping ice cream floats, I notice this apparently single guy with his eye on me. And when I say his "eye", I mean that, literally. One eye was on me while the other one was looking in another direction, and sometimes it changed. He was about 5'3" in height. He had a blacker-than-black uni-brow and a full-on Amish-Style beard. Honestly, the way his one eye and then the other kept peering at me, I was a little uncomfortable. Actually, I was a lot uncomfortable. He made me nervous, and sort of gave me the creeps.

Now, perhaps, I was being a little too judgmental. Perhaps he is a lovely little fellow. Perhaps he is totally harmless. Nevertheless, I just didn't feel "safe" around him.

After my shift, I joined a few of my friends at a table. I told them about the guy that was watching me. They ask me which one. I sort of blurt out without thinking, "The one that looks like an Amish Gnome". Even though that induced some laughter, I couldn't help but think how accurate that description was, given his height, full beard and sort of scrunched up face with uni-brow.

Desperate Housewife thought that perhaps I was imagining the whole "keeping an eye on me" thing. So, I tested this theory. After checking the refreshments and refilling the ice water, I made my way back to the table. Amish Gnome seemed to be coming right towards me. I didn't want to give him the chance to ask me to dance, because I didn't want to have to say no. So, I sort of veered off to the left. Then HE veered off to my left. I then turned slightly to the right. HE turned slightly to my right. So I did one of those fake-out moves; a quick right then left. I lost him, arrived at the table. It was unanimous. Everyone at the table agreed that Amish Gnome was after me. I didn't want to be mean and turn him down if he asked me to dance. But I just couldn't bring myself to dance with someone who sort of creeped me out. (I know what some of you must be thinking... but I asked the Lord for mercy on this one.)

So, my friends and neighbors being the generous people they are, let me "borrow" their hubbies. It's true. I danced a few dances (not slow ones) with them, and sat by other ones at the table. I was hoping that Amish Gnome would get the hint. By the same token, I was hoping that everyone else in attendance didn't think I was the town slut or that our table was involved in some sort of Swingers Club or something. And when I wasn't busy dancing with other people's hubbies, I was engaging in riveting repartee via text with the PersonalTrainer. Between him and my table posse, I laughed almost all night long while exfiltrating cavorting with Amish Gnome. Good times.

Update... So following the weekend, I get a few scoops regarding Amish Gnome; who he is, what he's like, etc. Apparently, he shows up at every dance in the area; Adult dances, singles dances, and even YOUTH regional dances. Ewww. The teenage girls get a little creeped out at the various eyes that seem to follow 2 different girls at one time. Also, one report indicated that at one dance they had to have a committee member guard the refreshment table, because he continued to eat practically everything they had to offer. And finally, a third source gave an account of a time he rode a horse into the church wherein the dance was being held. They had to chase him out of the building and explain that horses do not belong inside, and inside a church at that. Poor Amish Gnome. I am sure he isn't all there, and it's unfortunate that someone hasn't been able to teach him basic things like don't go riding horses into a church building.

So, there you have it. My big exciting un-eventful Valentine's weekend. As my bloggy friend Kaye would say, "I know y'all are just dying to be me!" Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up.