Things That Go Bump In The Night

It was shortly before 1:00 am.

I tossed and I turned. I was hot and then cold. I couldn't find a comfortable place for my shoulder to rest without feeling like my arm was gonna pop out of its socket. Being well-endowed in the chesticle dept, I "arranged" and "rearranged" the girls so there would be room for all of us. Then there's the issue of my rotated pelvis. Tried my side. Even tucked a pillow between my knees. Could not get comfortable. I told myself to relax; practically commanded myself. I didn't listen. I tried the more gentle approach - Body Scan Medidation; a yoga technique my mother taught me years ago. Warmed up some chamomile. Then had to pee. Went back to bed. Finally found a comfortable position. Realized I left the bathroom light on and it was piercing my corneas. Got up. Turned off light. Went back to bed. 1:30 am - ugh!

Started deep breathing exercises and began to relax. Was very comfortable. Then the 4-Legged-Creature perked up her ears and began to growl. "Shut-up," I command. She continues to growl. Crap! Is someone outside? I halt my breathing and sit up a little to listen. But my ears seem to be ringing. The 4-legged-creature continues to act nervous. I start to freak out. I get up and walk through the house, double checking all locks, my cell phone in hand, 9-1-1 already entered and "talk" button on stand-by. I peek just beyond the curtains of the huge 8' x 6' window that stood between my safety and the outside world. I see nothing. 4-Legged-Creature is perched up at the window next to me. She barks. Something darts out of the bushes in front. I jump and gasp for air as my heart begins to rip through my chest, palpitating so strong I can feel it in my eardrums. Stupid Calico! She was barking at a Calico Cat. 1:52 am.

Stumbled back to bed. Crawled under the covers. Everything seems to fit comfortably into place. Everything is still. Just as I begin to fall asleep...Tap-Tap-Tap. What is that? I glance over at 4-Legged-Creature. She cocks her head and raises her ears. Palpitations begin again. Tap-Tap-Tap. Whistle-Tap. I sit up to "listen". I realize it is the wind, and it is blowing a branch which is tapping against the metal awning over the back patio. Exhale. Lie back down. 2:12 am.

2:15 am. Hear creaking. like someone is walking up the stairs. It's the house settling - go to sleep, I tell myself.

2:24 am. A buzzing kicks on. Just the fridge, I scold. Go to sleep.

2:39 am. Scratching sound. I sit up. A mouse? I HATE mice! Went to kitchen. Turned on light. It was a paper on the fridge, being blown by the ceiling fan, flapping against another paper. Went back to bed.

3:00 am. Turn on TV. Perhaps I can fall asleep while trying to watch a movie or something. Heaven knows it works when I try to stay up late on purpose. ("City Confidential" rerun is on. A serial killer murders three women in their homes then ties up their hands like they were lying in a coffin.) Begin to hear several "noises". Creaks, moans, groans, scratches, crackles, and finally a loud vibrating rumbling that practically makes my heart stop. I sit up, pull the blanket up to my chest, and reach for the phone on the night-stand. I look over at 4-Legged-Creature. Useless mutt! I am all alone in the house, and about to be tied up and killed for no one to find me, and all you do is lay there? But Calico Cat comes to drop a dookie in the bushes and you alert the National Guard? Oh. Ooops. It actually sounds more like a train now. Yep, it's a train. Sorry 4-Legged-creature. Good doggie. I finish the show on pins and needles. I must make sure the guy is captured or else I'll never be able to go to sleep.

4:00 am. If I fall asleep now, I will have 2 1/2 hours of sleep, I encourage myself.

4:15 am. If I fall asleep now, I will have 2 hours and 15 min. of sleep, I prod myself.

4:30 am. If I fall asleep now, I will have 2 hours of sleep. I begin to cry. I just want to sleep. No more noises. Just sleep. [Crying continues]...

I am not quite sure exactly what time I fell asleep, but I know for sure that I did, because at 6:30 this morning, I woke up. The good news is, I was alive! No murderers or robbers or rapists, and no mice.

I hate this whole sleeping alone in the house thing. The Sounds of Silence keep me up way too often. [Yawning]...I need a nappy-poo. Aww, crap. Time to go to work.