Motherhood: Breaking the Cycle

My psych professor lectured, "You will parent like you were parented, unless you make an everyday, conscientious effort not to."

I think most people can truthfully say they love their parents and in many ways would like to be like them.  I know I certainly feel like that about my parents.  I also believe that there are things about our parents of which we have each said, "I'll never do that!"   Then, as we get older, we find we sometimes become our parents or we strive to do better/be better than our parents.  Consciously making those choices can often times improve family relations.

My mother comes from a long line of  verbally (and many times physically) abusive women.  I can see this philosophy of "parenting like our parents parented us" firsthand.  My maternal great-grandmother was abusive to my grandmother and my grandmother to my mother.  My mother wanted to break that cycle, but breaking something like that isn't easy.  (Think "Divine Secrets of a Ya-Ya Sisterhood")

It was a hard adjustment for my mother at first.  Especially considering back "then" parents didn't have resources at their fingertips like they do today.  It took several years in fact, before my mother was able to consistently not parent as her mother did.

I think on the whole, my mom did pretty dang good.  I'm not going to lie and pretend that everyday was full of rainbow kisses and sibling sing-a-longs of Kumbaya.  After all, there were seven of us, all born within a seven and a half year time span.  There were times we were naughty and there were times she lost it.  But I think for the most part, we all understood she was doing her best, and that no matter what, she still loved us.

When I first became a parent, I think I did a pretty good job.  I felt pretty good about my parenting skills, actually.  (Perhaps I was just young and naive?)  I rarely lost my temper and made a point of expressing to my children each day that I loved them.  Hugs and kisses were plentiful.   We played together, read together, and had lots of fun.  Not to say it was all rainbow kisses back then either.  My children were sometimes naughty, and I too, like my mother, had my moments.

Then, I went through a period of darkness.  A depressing time in my life, where I was barely hanging on - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  In order to keep from hurting, I shut everything and everyone out and decided not feeling anything at all was better than crying all of the time.  Soon, I began spending more time in bed and less time being a mother.  When it was time to get up and go to work, I simply went through the motions.  Numb.  That's what I became.

There were little moments when bits of the real me would surface, and it was during those times I'd put on a happy face.  Times like my children's birthday parties, at holiday or other family gatherings, or when I facilitated work training.  "Fake it till I make it" became my credo.

I am a survivor of sorts.  I survived a divorce and in the five-year period between that marriage and this one, I began to re-invent myself. I no longer felt suppressed or inhibited.  I was free to choose my path and to write my story.  Unrestricted breathing.  In many ways I felt like the old me again, only better.

I totally love all of the new adventures and I love having a partner who is my best friend.  Along with our marriage last Spring, I became a step-mom to a little boy.

He is a very smart child and I am the only mother this little boy has now.  I don't think I anticipated as much struggle as there  has been with him, considering I'm an "experienced" parent.  There have been many occasions (especially in the beginning) wherein he tried me - to see how far he could push things, to see where I'd draw the line, and perhaps maybe to see if I was gonna stick around.

In the beginning there was a lot of  baby-talk and back-talk and whining and terrible-two-like tantrums.  I didn't know what to do or how to handle it.  There were times I wanted the counselor's number on speed-dial!   (I seriously wished I could have my own personal Super Nanny to tell me what to do in those situations.) Not to say we didn't have good days, because we did!  We had many good days.  It just seemed like for every "good" day there were at least two challenging days.

It was during these challenging moments I found myself all too often turning into the type of mom I didn't want to be.  And it's not because I don't love this little boy; I do - with all my heart.  But, I began to be easily frustrated when I didn't see immediate results.  This was especially true on days which I thought were going well, only to later catch him in a lie or find out there was trouble at school that day.  It seemed like no matter what I tried, things weren't getting better.  It was discouraging. I think there came a point in which I just started feeling like, "Well, I guess this is just who he is."  In my heart, however, I knew that wasn't true.  I couldn't merely accept that this was going to be our mother-son dynamics the rest of our lives.  Perhaps had he not experienced the things he did in his young life, he wouldn't have the struggles he does.  But, there's nothing I can do to change his past.  No, I had to delve a little deeper and ask myself what about me?  "What's MY problem?" instead of "What's his?"

I think that part of my issue is I haven't been a mom to child that young in years.  I forget the energy and patience (and trial and error) that's required sometimes.  With children you raise from birth, you start laying the foundation from day one.  Coming into the picture later is much more difficult, so I had that against me too.

In my psych class last semester we studied human cognitive development through the life-span.  Things about my new son's behavior began to make sense. I suddenly understood why he was "stuck".  Then someone in the class asked if most people parent the same or opposite of their own parents.  That's when she said it - the phrase that changed me.  "You will parent like you were parented, unless you make an everyday, conscientious effort not to." 

That phrase triggered more clear the memory of the type of loving mother I once was.  Granted, when my kids were little they didn't challenge me as much, but I was also making more of that conscientious effort back then.  I realized many of my hard days with my new son were not only a result of his trauma, but a result of my trauma too; a part of me never fully-recovered from that state of numbness I was in.  I had forgotten, to some degree, how to be the loving and gentle mom I was when my kids were very small.  I felt awful at that realization.  I didn't want to be the mean, cold-hearted mom.   I wanted to keep moving forward from the cycle my mother helped to break.  Pro-active, not reactive.

Overall, I feel that I have been good at setting boundaries and clear expectations, and in helping my son realize his own abilities.  A year ago he'd throw a fit if I even suggested he pick up his toys or help put away his own clean laundry, let alone clear his plate from the table.  I'm sure he thought he was like Cinderella and I was like the ugly, wicked step-mother.

Today, he walks himself to school (a block away), has a daily chore of feeding the cats, puts his own clothes in the wash, then moves them to the dryer, and even folds them and puts them away! (He's 7.)  Instead of jumping on the furniture, throwing toys all over every room of the house, and playing video games for hours on end, he understands toys stay in the playroom, furniture is for sitting and he even sets his own 30-minute timer for his video game time and marks it on his chart when he's done.  He has grown up so much and progressed so much this past year and he knows it too.  He'll often say things like, "I never realized I was big enough to do [this or that] before."  He also takes pride in his accomplishments, often begging me to come and see his room after he's cleaned it, etc.  For all of those things and more, I feel greatly rewarded!  I feel like perhaps I am making a positive difference.  But in addition to being productive and self-reliant, I also want him, and my other kids, to feel loved, all the time, everyday; not just when we're having a good day.

I find that since beginning my quest of making a conscientious effort everyday to be a better parent, my mental self-talk often includes words like "breathe", "it's okay", "it's not worth the battle", "that [bad thing] doesn't matter", "they're not minions", and "he/she is a child of God, and He is counting on me".   Because let's face it - the kid is still trying to see if I'll re-draw that line anytime soon.  There are still times he's naughty and there are still times when I have a not-so-graceful mother moment.

The good news is I have moved past the daily struggle of "losing it".  I am now focusing forward on how to implement more love into my parenting style, not only for my little boy's sake, but for all of my children.  I fear that my older kids have become too used to the numb mom and can't see past that.  I've added "being a more outwardly loving mother" to my list of goals for the year.   More than just saying "I love you",  I want to do something purposeful every day to let my kids know that I love them.  I'm not sure what that will all entail just yet, but I do plan to keep track and blog back throughout the year.

My biggest hope is that, in spite of all my shortcomings as a mom, they will feel about me the way I do about my mom; that I'm trying my best and that no matter what, I always have and always will love them very much.

Mothers

So, sometimes I have this thing I do, which often seems uncontrollable - a complex secretometer phenomenon, characterized by seepage from the lacrimal apparatus, without any irritation of the ocular structures.  Yes, it's true.  Sometimes I'm a bit emotional and I cry. This week was no exception.

This week I thought of my Sister-in-law and my brother as they made the 14-ish hour drive to be with the birth mother who would bring their sweet new little girl into their arms on Friday.  I also thought about my dear friend whose mother is dying of cancer.  With Mother's Day fast-approaching, I thought about each of these strong women in my life - my sister-in-law and my friend- and I thought about they struggles they've had to endure or are enduring and I'd get teary-eyed; tears of happiness and joy for my sister-in-law and tears of empathy and heartache for my friend, and I thought about the circle of life, and it hit me that Motherhood is an eternal, never-ending part of life.

To all the beautiful women in my life, to those who have mothers, who've lost mothers, and who are mothers, Happy Mother's Day!

To My Daughter on Her 12th Birthday

Dear Daughter,

I unexpectedly felt a little emotional this morning while getting things ready to celebrate your day.  I thought about the day that you were born and the emotions I had about having a daughter.  I looked forward to the times when I would get to dress you in pretty dresses and do your hair all cute with little bows.  I anticipated the times that I'd snuggle with you to read bedtime stories and the Mother-Daughter talks we'd share as you grew older.  I was so excited that Heavenly Father trusted me enough to bring you to me.

As far as labor and delivery goes, it was a little tricky and there was a brief moment of touch-and-go for you. Luckily it went by fast (thanks for that) and we were able to bring you into this world as a healthy, happy baby. You were such a beautiful baby, with the cutest dimples and the biggest brownest eyes.  Strangers would approach me all the time to tell me what a gorgeous baby I had.  In fact, I could never take you out in public without hearing that at least 3 or 4 times each and every time.

From very early on you were mild-mannered and extremely shy in public, while at home letting everyone know your opinion on things.  As you learned to talk, you were a good big-little-sister to your older brothers, always trying to keep them in line.  You have many talents and I am so glad you've grown out of your shyness so that others around you may benefit from those talents you share. 

Today you are twelve years old.  You are still very beautiful.  You are also smart, generous, kind, honest, loyal and loving.  You set such high standards for yourself that I don't even need to worry about so many things other parents might with their own daughters at this age.  You are diligent in staying on task and getting things done without needing reminders from me, and you often remind me of the things I need to remember.  You offer up little words of encouragement to me from time to time which have been both unexpected and appreciated. You are a great example to those around you, including me.

The days of snuggling with you to read a bedtime story are long gone, and I know you are a bit old for me to adorn your hair with barrettes and bows.   But I still look forward to more fun times and great mother-daughter conversations like I used to have (and still do) with my own mother. 

Know that you are greatly loved (even by your brothers) and always remember that you are a beloved daughter of God.  He wants what is best for you and you should never settle for anything less.

Enjoy your day!

Love, 

Mom

I Was a Handful (Who Knew, Right?)

I don't know why I thought of this today, but the memory brought a smile to my face, so I figured I'd blog about it.

I am the second of seven children.  One might think when I came along things were still pretty easy for my mom.  Wrong.  I was a colicky baby, only happy if I was held or given a bottle, or better yet -- both!  Although I eventually grew out of the colic, apparently I was a bit of a handful as a toddler.

*Allegedly* I liked to have certain things a certain way (my way) and would cry if they didn't occur in that way.  The phrases, "Go to your room, Emma" and "If you're going to cry, go to bed, Emma" were phrases I heard on a daily, if not hourly basis.  In addition to the whiny-cry-baby terrible two's, I was fidgety.  I couldn't sit still, or be content for very long and from the time I started talking I was an incessant chatter-box.

However, the "difficult" child in me did not stop my mom from having more children right away, nor from having them one after the other. 3 children under age 3 and pregnant.  That is where this memory begins.

I can only imagine the chaos of getting 3 under 3 ready for church in the morning, then once there sitting quietly in our pew.  When I was older and there were 7 kids under 8, people would tell my mother, "Your children are so well-behaved in church."  I used to think, "yeah -- because she's threatened us with our lives." Haha.  But as a 2 year old, I don't really know what people thought or how we acted.  I know I must have been a handful though, because I was allowed to sit with other people.

The Bournes.  The Bournes were a young, married couple that went to our church.  They did not have any children for quite a few years, and for some reason took a liking to me.  I remember turning around in the pew, my eyes searching the congregation for them each Sunday.  As soon as I spotted them, they'd wave for me to come and sit with them.  I would nudge my mother, point in their direction and wait for her approved dismissal, which was always a nod and the whispered admonishment, "fold your arms".  Dutifully, I'd fold my arms and walk as quietly as I could to their bench and sit with them the rest of the service.

Then, there was "Chid".  Sharon Chiddister was a single woman, close to my mom's age whom didn't have children of her own.  Many Sundays she'd sit near my parents and I remember quite often sitting on her lap and her rocking me to sleep.

I don't recall how often those "helpers" in church came to my mother's rescue, but it happened enough for me to remember.  The Bournes eventually had their own children and moved away.  Chid remained in the area, and over the years has always found a family to sit near in church and help with their children.  I remember one family moved in, with 2 small active boys.  Then, the mother was expecting twins.  Chid was there to help out every Sunday.  This was a huge blessing for the wife, because the husband had Sunday duties that required him to sit up on the stand next to the Bishop.  A few years after the twins were born, the wife became pregnant again - with another set of twins.  When I went back home to visit this past summer, I noticed that even though those kids are all teenagers now, Chid still sits with them and she is still like a part of their family, and their dad IS the Bishop now so I am sure she is a great help!

As a teenager, there was a family in our church with 8 kids, whom I babysat quite often. I started babysitting when # 6 was born, and instantly fell in love with that baby.  We sat behind them every Sunday at church, and I always held him or let him sit by me until I went off to college when he was about 4.  Truth be told, I didn't even realize he was a handful, until his mother said something to me a few years later, about how she was always grateful for me helping her out on Sundays because he was such a handful.

In church now I lead the music on Sundays.  I sit up near the organ and I can look out into the congregation and see who's sleeping (haha), which babies are crying, which children are acting up and which mothers are struggling. I do notice a few childless couples or families with teenagers sitting near families with smaller children and offering their help whenever possible.  I can always tell that the mothers are grateful too.  But, I've also seen a few others in the congregation shoot disapproving looks towards some mothers - as if to say, "Get your kids under control!"  I was thinking this past Sunday when I saw one woman give such a glare, wondering if anyone ever thought that about my mom while I was being "out of control"?  Made me grateful to those "Angels among us" who offered to sit near us and help out where they noticed a need.  That is true Christianity right there, and of all places we should be living and carrying out our religious beliefs, you'd think one place would be church, right?

We don't know what always goes on behind closed doors, and although *WE* may think we know how this mother or that mother should discipline her children during church, and while we wish she could keep her kids "under control", don't you think that idea hasn't already crossed her mind too? I mean no mother in her right mind WANTS her child to act up and make a scene, right?

My kids are older now and aside of the occasional elbow-to-the-ribs or whispering or giggling with each other, they can pretty much manage themselves at church.  Because I lead the music and sit up near the organ, and because I am a single parent, they sit up there next to me each Sunday.  At first they were not thrilled with the idea, though I think they are okay with it now.  I have decided through this experience, that when the time comes that I am not sitting up there leading the music, perhaps I can find a young mom with her hands full to sit near and be a "Bourne" or a "Chid"-- pay it forward or something like that.  

Oh -- and for being such a "difficult" child, I think I turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself!  :)

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Twenty-Four

I am grateful to be a mom.

I spent the last three days expressing gratitude for each of my children, so while this may seem a bit redundant, I still feel the need to express that I am grateful to be a mom.

As far back as I can remember, I loved playing "house" when I was a little girl.  What little girl doesn't?  I think as most little girls play with their dolls (their "babies") they dream of being a mom one day.  Normally, the thought process is "One day, when I'm a mom..."  not "... if I'm a mom".

I don't think the "if" factor even crosses our minds until some of us get older and want a baby and then learn it's not going to happen.  I've seen that happen to several of my closest friends and even some of my family members; it's heartbreaking.

I don't pretend to know the mysteries of God, or why some of us women can bear children easily while others can't.  But I will say that standing by - helpless - watching some of the women closest to my heart go through this, has definitely made me more appreciative to be a mom.

I remember struggling some days, feeling like the worst mom in the world and wondering if I was screwing up my kids and hoping that they would still turn out okay in spite of me.  I still have days like that.  Kids do that.  They try us and our patience.  It's what we did to our parents, and it's what they do to us.  Sometimes I am told I am the meanest mom in the world, and at times I've even been "hated".  During those times, I try to take it with a grain of salt, and I usually reply, "Good.  That means I am doing my job."  I think part of being a parent is setting boundaries for our kids (which is sometimes hard for me), and even though they may say they hate us for it, or that we've ruined their lives, in the end and deep down what they really mean is "thanks, because now I know you love me."  The payoff is when they say things like, "Thanks for dinner mom - that was the best!"  or "I love you."

Luckily, those hard times are far and few between the good ones.  (Even if it feels overwhelming at the time.)  I look back at how exasperated I felt during a few of their terrible-two phases.  (One of my kids had the terrible twos until they were four!) I laugh, because I see how far they've come and realize the terrible two's weren't such a big deal after all -- and we got through it!  I survived the night terrors, the whining, the screaming, the all-night crying for seemingly no reason at all.  I survived the breaking things, the getting into things, the mess-making.  Thus far I've managed to get through the back-talk, the sibling tiffs, and the disappointment of coming home to find they haven't done their chores when asked.  Things that seem sooo exhausting and soooo monumental in the moment, but when compared to all of the joys, the laughter and the fun times I've experienced with them, seem so small - so insignificant.

I am grateful I have been blessed with the opportunity and the capability to be a mom. I love being a mom and I'd definitely do it all again if I could.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Twenty-Three

I am grateful for my daughter.

Like the boys, labor and delivery with her was a bit scary and she also had cord issues.  So, no doubt I was relieved once it was all said and done and she was safe and sound in my arms.

Ever since she could scream and mumble, we pretty much always knew what this little girl was thinking and what she wanted.  She is one of those people that knows what she wants and then goes for it.  She was the cutest baby ever and everyone said so - so it isn't just me, haha.  She has always been a fast learner in school and in first grade her teacher would even give her "extra work" because she would get done with hers so fast. The teacher asked her what she would like to learn and she replied, "French."  Luckily, the teacher knew French and would make up little assignments for her.  

She used to have some social phobias as an infant and didn't like when anyone even so much as looked at her.  As a baby, anytime anyone would pay any attention to her, she'd cry and try to hide her face. Slowly, but surely, she was able to overcome that for the most part.  Her second and third grade teachers discovered she has a knack for creative writing and really encouraged her to read her work in front of the class on a regular basis.  Now, in 6th grade, she is much more at ease with her friends.  She is still a great writer and this year one of her poems won a school contest and she moved on to the district level.

She does her homework without being reminded, she cleans her room without being asked.  She offers to help cook or clean wherever else needed too.  She has always set high standards for herself and chooses to keep her language especially clean and is a big component of dressing modestly.    She loves music and over the years has learned to play the recorder, two types of ukuleles and the piano.  She is also taking voice lessons, and I am amazed by the vocal chords this little girl has.  She is super smart and just overall a good girl.  She is nice to everyone, even if she doesn't like them.  There has been some "girl drama" at school the past few years and her teacher told me this past parent-teacher conference that I was the only mom of the group of affected girls that didn't call her to get involved and that as she watched each of the girls of this group more closely she noticed that my daughter was the only one of the group that didn't take sides (publicly, anyway - haha).

I could go on and on and obviously I am proud of the young woman she is becoming.  I love her so much and I am grateful to have her as my daughter.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Twenty-Two

I am grateful for my middle child -- "LittleDuckling".

When I was ready to have another baby, I was excited at how easily I became pregnant.  My second pregnancy wasn't nearly as bad as the first, although toward the end I was sick all the time and I had gall bladder disease that went undiagnosed until about 5 weeks after he was born.  Labor and delivery however, was just as hard as with the first.  I often remind LittleDuckling that he will never be able to repay me for the 28 hours of labor I endured, haha.  All kidding aside though, I remember when the monitor beeps indicated distress and that this baby's entry into the world was a struggle.  With the chord wrapped twice around his neck, every contraction I had was cutting off his oxygen supply.  I was truly grateful once he finally made his debut.

Although his older brother was a small baby at 6 lbs 15 oz, LittleDuckling was definitely the runt at 5 lbs 8 oz.  He was a tiny baby and opposite of his older brother was the quiet one.  He was content to cuddle with me for hours all day...  in fact, that's all he ever wanted to do.  He didn't like to be put down.  I used to strap him into my "snuggli", freeing my hands to do housework.  Like baby Roo, he spent the majority of his first six months attached to Mommy.

I remember being worried that he would never talk because as an infant he was so much quieter than his older brother and as he neared his first birthday he hadn't even tried to speak.  Finally, just weeks before turning one, he uttered his first word, "pease" (please).  He loved to eat, and learned the quickest way to get more was to hold out his hand, flash his dark brown eyes and wide grin while saying, "pease?"  It was seriously the cutest thing ever.  Incidentally, "more" was his second word.

Once he started walking and talking he was content to be alone and NOT in the spotlight like his brother.  He isn't as outspoken although I have learned over the years that doesn't mean he isn't opinionated.  When asked, I have learned that he has some pretty strong opinions about quite a few things.  He enjoy writing as well, and has a vocabulary that blows me away for a kid of thirteen.  Sometimes he will say the funniest things, and just cracks me up - mostly because I don't expect it from him, he's so quiet.  When he does break into giggles, it is contagious... he has the best laugh ever.  One thing I noticed about him as he is growing up is that he will often try to include everyone in the group.  Last year he volunteered for peer tutoring in the special needs class at school.  I was surprised as I didn't even know he would want to do something like that.

He has always been my more sensitive one.  Because of that, it makes him sensitive to others.  As a little boy there wasn't an hour in the day that went by without him telling me he loved me.  He would also apologize when he acted out and he was the first to say "thanks for dinner" when we were finished eating.  He does have quite an appetite (unlike his much pickier brother) and I enjoy cooking for him knowing he will like it.  Ironically, my "LittleDuckling" is now bigger than his big brother.  I am amazed at how fast he is growing...  I can't seem to keep his wardrobe up with his growth spurts and because his brother is smaller than him, the days of hand-me-downs are long gone.

I am pleased with the choices he has been making lately as he is entering his teenage years and hope that he will continue to progress.  When he wants something, he doesn't wait for it to happen -- he makes it happen.  I love him so much and glad I am the lucky one that gets to be his mom.

I am grateful for my middle child.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Twenty-One

I am grateful for my oldest son--  "FunnyMan".

I remember when he was born...  it was not an easy pregnancy and the labor was no different.  Being an inexperienced 19 year-old mom was probably a good thing; I had no other pregnancies to compare it to so I really didn't grasp the danger he was in.  I was hospitalized three different times in the first trimester and on partial bed-rest during the last.  He was in major distress during labor and delivery that they didn't take the time to suction his airway before literally ripping him from me and rushing him off.  I had no idea that wasn't normal.  And the teensy-weensy island hospital I was in didn't even HAVE epidurals, so I was completely exhausted after the ordeal.  It wasn't until later it all sort of impacted me and I realized that I was truly blessed to have a healthy baby.

For the nearly the first four years of his life he was an only child and I found pure joy in being his mommy.  The one thing I noticed right away, is that he liked to be where the action was.  There was no putting him down in a crib or a playpen.  He wanted to be able to see everyone and be a part of whatever was going on. He used to crane his neck from his baby swing just to see what the rest of us were doing.  From his early baby stages he was fascinated by the TV and more so by movies.  He didn't care for cartoons either -- he liked regular movies. By the time he was a toddler he had every word to nearly every movie we owned memorized verbatim.  If we rented a movie, I had to watch it before he did.  Otherwise, he'd sit an quote movie lines throughout the entire thing...  He was 2 1/2.

This kid has quite a bit of personality and always makes me laugh.  He was a ham as a little boy and can still pull in a crowd.  He was always good at making faces, doing voices and accents and getting the timing of a joke or story just right.  In kindergarten he was given an award for always being kind to others and "rooting for the underdog".  He is still like that and he still likes to be a part of the action.  He doesn't notice the color of a person's skin nor does he care about their social status, religion, or cultural background;  he genuinely likes people and loves to be around them.

As a teenager he does things without being asked, like his laundry.  He's been doing his own laundry since he was 14 and I love that.   He's had odd jobs here and there since he was little -- and mostly involving acting.  He's been an extra in several movies and commercials, and as of late he has acted in Haunted Houses and in his high school theater department.  He is a talented amateur filmmaker and writer as well.  He has ambition to succeed at the things he loves and I know that if and when the right opportunity comes along as an adult, he will go far.

I love this kid with all my heart and I am grateful for him.

Happy Mother's Day

Sheri L Dew is a powerful woman. Powerful not only as an author, but she is also CEO of Deseret Book and former White House Delegate for the United Nations. She has never been married; never had children. And yet, she recognizes that in women God instills a special gift of Motherhood.

In a conference she spoke about women and motherhood and said, "Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. ...Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."

In trying to determine for herself how she could reap the blessings of motherhood when she is not married she finally came to this conclusion: "For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for righteous women. But the Lord's timetable for each of us does nor negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led."

I know that in my own life I was not only fortunate to have my mother, but I have had lots of other "surrogates" along the way. I think about the other "mothers" who have helped watch over me when I was over at a friend's house for the weekend or at Girls' Camp in the summer, or the dorm "mom" when I went to college. During my first Christmas away from home my roommate's family took me in and her mom treated me like one of her own. Even after I got married and pregnant and was living across an ocean from my mom, my Boss's wife was a huge blessing to me as "mother". And now, living in another state, there are good women to "mother" me.

To all of you mothers out there, and to all of my "other mothers" and of course MY mom, Happy Mother's Day!

A few pictures of the generations of moms.... :)

My dad's Mom, aka "Gramma", "Gramma Goldie", "Gramma Miller", and "Little Gramma"

She passed away in February of 2007.

My mom's mom, "Grandma Griffith." She passed away in 1980 I believe.

Here is my mother a little more than twenty years ago...

Here we are with 6 of the 7 kidlets (#7 is hibernating till summer, tee hee)

Mama Said...

The thing about ADHD is that you have a hard time focusing in if you feel overstimulated. However, once you find that one thing that grabs your attention, you basically become fixated in on it and can do it for hours and hours on end.

Well, that's what happened to me today. The challenge going around FB was to replace your profile pic with a pic of your mom and to leave it up until Mother's Day. So, as I started looking through pictures I decided to start scanning several in. Turns out my dad had also scanned a few in. So, that just fueled my fire and I spent a shameful amount of time scanning and tagging pictures that I never got around to my Blog Post for the day! Oh well, I don't consider it a complete waste. I do think it's a form of record-keeping and the preservation of family history. So, It's all good.

Anyway -- the Mother's Day Installment for today is centered around things My mother (And Yours) used to say. I posed the question on FB and got several replies. Here are things my Mother (and yours) used to say.

Mama said...

You can do hard things.

Things will work out.

Drink your milk; it will put hair on your chest.

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times...

How many times do I have to tell you?

Remember, the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight.

Nothing good happens after midnight.

I brought you into this world, I can take you out.

Remember who you are and what you stand for.

Because I said so!

Don't tell your father. (Especially after buying new shoes.)

Just wait until your father comes home!

Make sure you wear clean underwear! You never know when you're going to get into an accident.

What would your Aunt Bernice think if she knew what you just did?

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Do it right or do it twice.

You'll need to look it up yourself or you'll never learn how to spell it.

Always act like a lady! (So, if I seem like a lady to you all, you'll know I'm just acting!)

I declare! If your hind end was not attached you would lose it.

Keep your pants zipped up!

You can't fix stupid.

If you just get your jobs done early, you won't have to think about them the rest of the day.

I'm gonna skin you alive.

Where do you think you're going?

It won't hurt when it quits hurting.

Marry a man who treats his mother like a queen.

The only good fight in a marriage is the fight to keep it together.

Think of something he does that annoys you and then ask yourself if you can live with that everyday. If not, then don't marry him. He's not the man for you!

What would Jesus do?

You are a child of God.

Remember, you are a daughter of God, who loves you.

I love you Baby Girl.

I love you.

And of course, Mama said there'd be days like this...

Memories of Mother

Today is Day#2 of my countdown to Mother's Day here on the Blog. And today I thought I'd share memories of my mother.

No, she's not dead. But that doesn't mean I still don't have memories, right? I hate when people forget to celebrate their memories until after the loved one has passed. So, in honor of Mother's Day, I'd like to share some of the memories I have about my mom. I've already shared several on this blog throughout the past 2 years, so I will share some I haven't shared before.

1) Pigtails.

I remember being really little, like 2 years old, and my mom wore pigtails. Yep. Pigtails. Come to think of it, not many other moms I knew wore pigtails. But my mom did. She would have been about 23 at the time, and she had long hair. On the days when she'd do gardening or deep cleaning or painting, she'd wear pigtails. I thought it was cool.

2) Nuts.

Thinking back I don't know if it was because my mom was pregnant and had cravings or if she just loved nuts, but I distinctly remember that next to the rocking chair in the living room was a bowl of mixed nuts. I was about 3 at the time. But, my sisters and I would sit around my mom's feet as she'd hold the nut bowl in her lap. She'd crack the nuts and we'd spend an entire afternoon just eating nuts. Maybe she had a show on, maybe not. All I remember are the nuts.

3) 45's

My mom had a HUGE collection of vinyl 45 records, and she had quite the eclectic taste. She most often listened to music while we cleaned. It always made the cleaning much more enjoyable.

4) Matching Outfits

My mom was a big fan of matching outfits for the kidlets. We wore matching outfits for family photos, for Easter Sunday and for family reunions. She is still a fan and we still dress to match for reunions. :)

5) No to No

I know there were some occasions when my mom pulled the "Because I said so" routine. And that was usually in situations when one of the kidlets was trying to argue with her or question her ruling (not I). But, in other situations and in MOST situations she was a "yes" mom. I remember times when I'd ask, "Mom, can I do [this]?" or "Can we do [that]?" Instead of a resounding "no" we'd often get a "No, but you could do [this] instead." I always liked that. I think it's helped me with my kids too.

6) Games

My mom taught us to play many games and we had lots of board games growing up. Once during summer vacation from school all seven of us were bored and probably underfoot. She went down to the basement and came up with a case of Nehi soda, which was a treat because we NEVER got soda. Then she grabbed her deck of cards and called all of us to the dining table. That is the day she taught us how to play poker. I was 8 years old.

7) Camping

My mom loved to camp. I remember that there were many summers when my dad would travel for work. My mom didn't let that stop us. She'd load us all up and take all 7 of us camping for the weekend! I think the thought that she needed a man to "help" do anything never crossed her mind.

8) Reading & Movies

My mother was not one who liked to sit around and get lost in a good book. However, she did love words. She also knew the importance of reading to us. She made sure we had a library full of books and encouraged us to read often and often read to us. I remember the voices she'd do as she read.

9) Homemaking

It's no surprise to any of us kids that my mother was not the homemaker that other moms were. She didn't really know much about cooking or cleaning or sewing or gardening or things like that. But she was determined to learn. She learned basic techniques and as a result we had a garden in the summers, a fabulous strawberry patch, we never went hungry, we learned to clean, and we had dresses to wear for proms.

10) Talks

I always loved when I got to go somewhere with my mom alone. I looked forward to the one-on-one time in the car on the way to or from certain places. My mom would often use these moments as teaching moments. The radio wasn't blaring. Nope. Instead it was conversation. The way she talked to me made me feel all grown up too. We'd talk about life philosophies, boys, friends, school, religion, family, and just anything she could think of. Probably the most awkward moment was right after I was newly married. It seemed like it was out of the blue, but she must have felt the need to share some advice with me. She basically told me that sometimes a woman's got to "compromise" in the bedroom. Haha. Nice, Mom.

11) Stories

My mom was always very good about passing on her heritage to us. I need to be better at that with my own kids. She often regaled us with stories of her childhood. It was probably these experiences that taught me the most about my mother. Through these stories I learned about how she was neglected and abused. But I also learned that she loved. Even though she shared these stories she never once did it in a blaming way against her own mother. She loved her mother and we knew it. She told us funny stories too, but it was these stories of her childhood that showed me her true character. It showed me that she was a strong woman who overcame a lot. It showed me she had a capacity to forgive and to love unconditionally. She showed me it isn't worth it to harbor bad feelings or to allow life circumstance to hold me back. She showed me that I could make lemonade, or better yet -- lemon meringue pie, if life handed me lemons.

And best of all, in all of these memories of my mother, the one thing I have always gleaned and will continue to hold onto, is that she taught me I can do hard things. Because she did.

Thanks Mom for the memories!

I'm Jealous of SAHM's

It's true. I admit it openly. I am jealous of Stay-At-Home-Moms (SAHMs).

When my children were little I worked a late night shift at Delta Air Lines so that I could be at home with my babies during the day. And although I know that the "quality time" with my children was hindered by many catnaps on the sofa while they played during the day, I enjoyed being there. I loved making their meals and reading to them in the afternoon and then having time to fix dinner from scratch before I'd head off to work. It wasn't "perfect" per se, but it was perfect for me at that time. And, my children didn't have to be in daycare.

As they got older and in school, my schedule allowed me to be the room-mother for many of their classrooms and to volunteer to run the class parties or help out with field trips to the zoo or the air force museum, etc. I even subbed for some of their classes too.

Then came a time I knew in the back of my mind that divorce was on the horizon. I knew I could not work until 3 or 4 in the morning and leave little children at home by themselves. I knew that I couldn't be a single mom and keep the job I had. So, I began to look for other jobs; get my ducks in a row. However -- I did not have a college degree. Finally I decided that Real Estate was always something that had interested me and that I didn't need a degree to get my license. I took the necessary classes and within about 4 months I passed the exams and was licensed.

I loved the flexibility of being a real estate agent. I also loved learning about the industry. This job allowed me the flexibility to work from home and even if I had to go show properties in the evening, I was more often than not, home before 9pm. It was perfect. I was still room mother. I still organized the class parties. I still volunteered for the field trips. I still participated in field day and volunteered at the school carnival. I even continued to sub-teach once in a while. But I also discovered something else I loved. By this time all of my kids were in school during the day. I didn't HAVE to work from home. And many times I would go into the office for an hour or two. But I discovered I enjoyed being at home during the day by myself. I accomplished so much more without little ones underfoot. And I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased. I went to the gym every afternoon. I loved my job and I loved helping my clients buy and sell real estate. I finally felt that my ducks were in a row and that I could proceed with my divorce.

But then something happened. The market had started to slow down... And at this point I had only been doing real estate for 2 1/2 years; not nearly enough time to build a steady clientele in this "niche" of a market where I live. As my business began to slow way down and as buyers started getting cold feet and as listings went from an "on market" period from 7 days to now an average of 30, 45, and 60+ I knew I needed to once again figure out a different job. If I was going to be a single mom, I would need a steady paycheck. And something with insurance would be even better.

The title company next door talked to me about a position, but then hired someone else the next day. The following day my grandmother died and I scrambled to make plans to go to Indiana. Well, while I was gone the girl they had hired wasn't exactly working out. After I came back, about 10 days later, they told me that if I still wanted the job, it was mine... that they wouldn't even interview anyone else. I felt that this was the answer I needed so I said yes. Things have changed a little here and there, and I've moved up twice in position since then. But I am still there. Looking back I know that the Real Estate Agent gig was just a stepping stone to get me to the title company. It was the knowledge and experience I needed to get my foot in the door.

I also knew that I never wanted to be in a position again wherein my options were limited because I didn't have a degree. So, about a year and a half after my divorce was final, I started going back to school. And it's not even that I am hoping to change jobs anytime soon. But I want to be able to have options somewhere down the road should I ever be faced with a situation like that again.

So, this has been my life that past year and a half. Work and school. School and work. And trying to squeeze time in my my kids, church and my own social life somewhere in between. It's not been easy. And more recently I've come to the realization I am burning the candle at both ends, and quickly running out of wick.

Well, back to the title of the post. Last week was Spring Break at school. One entire week without class! W00t! It was much appreciated. But I wanted to feel rested and not rushed trying to get other projects done that week. So, I decided to take one full day off of work too. My kids still had school all week, because their Spring Break isn't until next month. So, there I had it. 1 day of no work, no school and no kids. Of course I love my kids and all. But a break I desperately needed.

It was a day of bliss. And even though I woke up with a headache, it was still a great day. I took a verrrrrrrry long nap. I cleaned a little. I baked a little. I soaked in the tub. I even worked on some of my writing. I felt so great to be at home with no pressing schedule. I decided right then and there that I was completely jealous of SAHMs. Not the ones with little children under foot. But the ones that get to have their own personal time during the day. And I was even thinking how I missed the days I worked a night shift, because even then I had quiet time during the day. I even considered how nice it would be to not have to work at all. Just do school! That would really be something. To study during the day in quietness. To go to class without worrying about my kids left behind and whether or not they are eating the meal I prepared for them or if they are getting their homework done.

I know it doesn't do any good to covet. And I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side, right? But if someone asked me to describe my fantasy world, right now that would be it. to be a SAHM. I don't need riches. I don't need a fancy house or brand new car. Just a little time to relax and write and soak in the tub... without someone on the other side of that door calling me "mom"... Haha.

That's all I really want.

Notes From an Imperfect Mother

Sometimes I'd like to think I am the perfect mom and that I have perfect children who only listen and obey and treat each other with love and kindness, always. But, I'm not, and they don't. And I know that is not realistic anyway. I also know that life lessons are mostly learned through experience and that part of the learning process occurs through our mistakes of living our not-so-perfectly-perfect lives.

That being said, it still doesn't bring me comfort when one of my children is not nice to another. I am used to kids picking at each other or antagonizing each other once in a while. I am sure I participated in that sort of behavior plenty of times on my own while growing up. Overall, my kids are good kids and get along well and don't do stuff like this all the time (although enough for me to know they are definitely siblings!).

But recently, one of them did do something to another that was more than just irritating or agitating. It was just plain mean. This really affected me, and I cry just thinking about it. First of all I was shocked that this child would do that. Second of all, I was saddened because I could see the potential harm it could have caused. This could have had serious life-long-lasting effects. And there still may be a little backlash. The action was done with a "spirit of revenge". This is probably what upset me the most. We are not a family of "revenge". I don't condone seeking revenge. If someone harms me, 90% of the time I can just let it go. 9% of the time, I cry about it and then let it go. And probably 1% of the time I vent about it, then cry about it and then let it go. But I am not one who likes confrontation. In fact, just the thought of it sends me into anxiety mode. So it is easier for me to let it go.

I can't figure out why my child would take something to the extreme like this. But, I have to remind myself something my counselor told me once. Our brains are not fully developed until approximately age 25, and therefore we do not have complete rational thinking until about then. So, in reality when someone says, "I was young and stupid", they are in essence correct.

Ok. So, I get all of that. The struggle I am having is how to DEAL with this sort of behavior. I definitely don't condone a spirit of revenge. I try to teach Christ-like principles, including "Turn the other cheek". I have to admit, this whole episode has sort of left me feeling like I have fallen a bit short as a mother.

Have any of you ever dealt with your kids who weren't always nice to each other? What did you do? How did you handle it? Did they ever grow out of it?

Baby Steps to FREEDOM!

I remember these milestones... and each little bit of freedom they gave me.

"Ahh... he can crawl and get his own blankie! Yippee - I can keep scrap-booking!"

"Ahh... he can walk over and pick up his own toys! Yee-Haw! I can stay on the computer!"

"Ahh... he figured out how to work the remote by himself! I can finally PEE in PRIVATE as he watches HIS show!"

"Ahh... he can 'do' the potty all by himself! No more "throw-up-in-my-mouth events!""

"Ahh... he is tall enough to reach his own snacks! Woo-hoo! My movie's still on anyway!"

"Ahh... he is in school 3 hours a day! What-to-do with my new FREE time!?!?!?!"

"Ahh... he is in school for 6 hours a day! Oh My Word! I can take an UN-Interrupted Soak in the tub!"

"Ahh... he is old enough to stay home by himself for a few hours! Grocery shopping never SEEMED so glamorous!"

"Ahh... he is old enough to watch over the younger siblings! Can you say Girls Night Out???"

"Ahh... he is old enough to do his own laundry! I could go for a walk or a run or to the gym!"

"Ahh... he is old enough to drive himself and/or siblings places! I think I've died and gone to heaven!"

This is where I am at now. Well, all right, not exactly HEAVEN, per se. But it is nice having an extra driver. Especially because I have more classes and earlier classes this semester. I don't have to rely on other people as much. FunnyMan can chauffeur kids to and from home, school, their dad's house, etc.

I know, I know. They say before you know it they'll be grown and gone, and you'll wish YOU were the one getting his cereal, folding his laundry and dropping him off at school. Well, I say, don't ruin this moment of freedom for me. I am thoroughly enjoying it :)

Sunday Sentiments: Brotherly Love

I hate it when my kids argue. It's like -- why can't you all just get along? This video is a reminder that even though they may not realize it now, the gospel of Jesus Christ can and will help strengthen their relationships with each other. Surely gives a mother hope, as well as an affirmation that she is doing right by them...Even on days like today, when it seems I am dragging to get them off to church :)

Who knows... maybe one day my kids will say they are each other's best friends. Now THAT would be something..

Happy Mother's Day from 2nd Grade

When I was in second grade, my teacher, Mrs. Brotherson decided that each student would write an essay. She then collected them, typed them up -- leaving the spelling and grammar exactly as we had written them, and bound them together in books. Each student was then given a copy of the book to give to his or her mother for Mother's Day. The book was entitled, "I Love My Mom Because... A Collection of Stories by Room 1". Underneath was the date, Mother's Day, May 9, 1982.

I still have this book, so I thought today I'd share some of these "stories" with you. Of course I included mine, plus some of my favorites -- Enjoy!

I love my mom because she loves me. Also because she had seven children. My mom is intelligent and admired. If I didn't have a mom, who would get mad at me? If I didn't have a mom I wouldn't be born. My mom helps me with homework, especially words.
- by Emma Miller

I love my mom because she is nice to me. And she takes me to swiming lessens. She takes time to play with me. When I get a good report card she takes me to any restraunt I want. And at night she says my prairs with me and kisses me goodnight. But most of all is that I love her and she loves me.
- by Keri Yoder

I love my mom because she loves me. She is going to have a baby pretty soon. She tucks me in bed and cooks for me. She takes me to the store and she takes me to my friends and she takes me to Bible school.
- by Lavern Patterson

I love my mom because she lets Jade and Jon come over to my house and play. On Christmas she gave me a necklace. Sometimes I get mad at her but I love my mom anyways. On last Easter she gave me a hamster and I liked that very much. My mom doesn't like kittens when Smokey had babys she had to give them to the Pet Palace and I was sad but I love her anyways.
- by Michelle Nielsen

I love my mom because she is nice to me. She buys me clothes and she bought me a bed to sleep in. She makes good food too. She lets me clean the house after she leaves. Every year we go on vacation to Florida. My mom takes us to McDonalds to eat dinner.
- by Tara Thalheimer

I love my mom because she takes me to the fair and I ride on lots of rides. I play games there sometimes I win. I won a dog once. We lesened to some rock n' roll. Man is that music jazzy. She lets me watch cartoons. I watch Tom and Jerry because that's my favrit cartoon.
- by Randy Fox

Most of the "stories" by Room 1 included "I love my mom because she gives me allowance..." and "...she takes me to McDonalds..."... and "...she lets me do whatever I want..." In fact, I don't think I had ever even HEARD of allowance until this book came out. Wonder what Tara thought about her mom LETTING her clean the house after hearing how so many other of her friends were getting PAID! hahaha!

My biggest wish for all of you women out there - whether you are a Mother, want to be a Mother, have a Mother that has already passed, or somewhere in between -- may you recognize the gifts God has given you; your divine roles, your divine destiny. May you recognize the impact important women have had on your lives, and may you be that woman to someone else. Happy Mother's Day!

Countdown to Mother's Day with Hunger Pains

Ok - so y'know how when you get really, really, REALLY hungry you get hunger pains? Well, it's sort of like that, but not with food. That's right... I am talking Baby Hunger Pains.

All right. I admit it. I am something I always said I'd never be, and that is "Baby Hungry".

Only, it's different than before. When I was growing up, as a teenager, and then a young adult, it was my dream to get married and have babies. I was sooooo Baby Hungry, I'd hold anyone's baby who'd let me. Not this time. I see other mother's with babies and I don't feel the "gimmes" as in, "Gimme your baby to hold." It's more of a longing that perhaps I'd like to have another baby.

I keep thinking, MAYBE if I ever get married again, and MAYBE if it is before I am 40, then MAYBE, just MAYBE I'd be able to have another baby. True, someone else would have to "carry" the baby for me, but according to the Doc, I've got premium, Grade A eggs! haha! In other words, surrogacy wouldn't be ruled out.

So, yes. I'd like to have another baby... Guess that makes me Baby Hungry.

And now for your viewing pleasure, some of MY baby pictures, circa 1973-74.

Approximately 3 weeks old.

About 2 months old -- look at ALL that hair!!!

About 9 months old, at my Amish Grandma's house.

1 year old, my first "piano"... again - check out that mop!

Countdown to Mother's Day with: A Friend in Jesus

When we lived in our single-wide trailer, it was out in Amish country about 20 miles from the next city. The piece of land my father bought from my grandfather was nestled between Amish farms belonging to my Grandparents and one of my father’s uncles. I lived there since the day I came home from the hospital until I was nearly four. Being in the country, and being too young to attend school it wasn’t like I had any friends, per se, other than the other toddlers I played with in the nursery at church.

As a three-year old, the concept of “friends” was a foreign one to me. I remember when my older sister, Naomi, started going to her Primary “Sunbeam” class at church. All of a sudden she started talking about this “friend” and that “friend”. This sounded like fun and I didn’t really know what friends did! I just knew I wanted some. That Fall, they were even planning a Primary Halloween party, and she would get to dress up with her new friends too!

I remember one afternoon crying on the sofa in the living room. I don’t even know what started the emotions, although, as an overly emotional child, I will admit it didn’t really ever take much to get me going. Well, soon enough, along came my mother, and she asked me why I was crying. I told her that I was sad because I did not have any friends. Then my mom said that she had a secret to tell me.

Well, I don’t know if I really understood what a secret was back then, however it sounded intriguing. I remember I stopped crying enough to give her my attention. My mother told me that she knew someone who would always be my friend. I was shocked. I quickly begged her to know the name of this person who would always be my friend. Then she said, “Jesus is your friend, and He will always be your friend, no matter what you are doing or where you are.”

Well now, I don’t know about you, but I liked the sound of that. It didn’t matter to me that I couldn’t see Jesus. I had an imagination, after all. I just needed to know that He was there and that He was my friend. Some people have imaginary friends. Not me. I was lucky. I was special. I had Jesus.

Jesus came to some of my tea parties. Jesus helped me play with my dollies. Jesus even talked to me while playing outside on the swing set. I remember once, while swinging, I was singing a song I had learned in church. Of course, Jesus had wanted me to sing louder. And of course I obliged. Soon, Great Aunt Wilma came over to the fence from hanging her wash. She complimented my singing. Then she made some comment about me and my “special friend”. I remember being shocked that she knew about Jesus playing with me!

“You can see JESUS?” I gasped.

Aunt Wilma whooped and hollered before replying, “I heard you two talking just a bit ago.”

I remember feeling a little embarrassed that she had just discovered I had been make-believe playing with Jesus. I liked Aunt Wilma; a lot. She had this smile that could warm a room, not to mention the fact that we had quite a few chats over that fence post, mostly resulting in her bringing me a cookie a time or two as well. Years later I had always wondered what she thought about the odd child who played and sang to Jesus on the swing set. I guess I sort of missed the point a little when my mother told me I had a friend in Jesus.

Nevertheless, I am grateful that at a young age this knowledge brought me as much comfort as it did. As much as I learned to love and respect my Savior, knowing that He is also my friend has helped me be able to feel that much closer to Him.

I am grateful my mother taught me that I have a friend in Jesus.

Countdown to Mother's Day with Discipline

Today is more Slacker Mom stuff... If you didn't see {yesterday's} post, check it out and get caught up.

Here is what Author Muffy Mead-Ferro has to say about discipline in her book, "Confessions of a Slacker Mom."

On Natural Consequences:

"As a slacker mom, I am very fond of "natural consequences" when it comes to punishments. If Joe decides to eat a family pack of Cheetos, I think vomiting is a fit penalty. My jumping up and getting mad, and doling out my own form of punishment would simply be redundant. So, I can just stay right where I am with my lovely cup of tea... aaah.

"My mother certainly didn't overwork herself in that regard. Right before my 5th grade pictures were taken, I decided to give myself a makeover and trimmed up the bangs and sides of my curly hair with my dad's shaving razor... I resembled a poodle. Do you think my mom got mad at me? No. She just sat there and looked at me for a moment, then turned back to her book in an effort not to laugh loudly. Not only did she not scold me, but she didn't run me over to the beauty salon in town to see if anything could be salvaged, the slacker. But I didn't need a lecture from her to wish...I hadn't done that two days before they took my class photo." (100-101)

I don't know that I'd rush right off to the salon either... but I would definitely see if there was a "retake" date! hahaha!

Muffy doesn't say that she never gets mad or that you should only rely on natural consequences (like if a child runs into traffic). She believes that sometimes getting mad IS effective! Check this out!!!

On Empty Threats and Getting Mad:

"Two hours into [the car ride] they start provoking each other with an efficiency that can only be achieved by blood relations. Grabbing the bag of pretzels, then wagging it out of reach. Then kicking, hitting, and hair pulling. Followed by screeching and screaming. ...nothing I had to say slowed the escalation of the conflict. Finally, I'd had it... I pulled the car off the road, which was a big surprise to them, and came to an abrupt stop. They were already silenced by the troubling turn of events. But they were even more alarmed when I turned and spanked both of them sharply on their thighs (I couldn't reach their behinds), and yelled that if they didn't stop fighting in the car, we would turn right around and go home!

"My kids were smart enough to know that I wouldn't make good on that threat. We were 120 miles up the road. I am aware that the parenting books number one no-no is making threats that you can't or won't follow through on. But the empty threat didn't diminish my words or actions one iota. The point was, I was spitting mad. I was mad enough to pull off the road and stop the car. Mad enough to haul off and whack them, and then yell at them with a wide-eyed look on my face. They didn't like that at all...and behaved like model citizens for the next 100 miles. ...Belle and Joe understood when I pulled the car off the road that one of the consequences of bad behavior is that it tends to make other people irate. (103-104)

Sorry - but I had to laugh at that last one. I think many of us who grew up with siblings and took road trips often can probably identify with the whole, "Do you want me to pull this car over?" or the "If you don't knock it off, I'm gonna turn this car around!"

It also made me Laugh Out Loud to read that, partly because I know there has been a time or two (or three) in which I have lost my temper and had the "wide-eyed" crazed look on my face. It is a great stress-reliever to know I wasn't alone.

Also - I know I have posted about this before, but in addition to "natural consequences" when "available", I also believe in "immediate" consequences for the most part. I don't do groundings, because, that means MORE responsibility for ME to remember who is grounded from what and for how long, and I am just too lazy for all of that, because, let's face it -- I'm a Slacker Mom! hahaha!

I did have a "corner-stander" child. It was the only thing that saved my sanity {and his life}, although, one time I forgot he was still there by the time it was bed time. I have another child who is a "you have every right to your feelings and anger and emotions; just go have them in your room" type of child. But as they get older, I find I am more the "I am disappointed in you..." speech-giver and the "now you get to do an extra chore" hander-outer. But, again, it has to be immediate, cuz I do NOT want to have to write it down or, for gosh sake's, remember it! Hahahaha!

What sort of Slacker Mom are YOU when it comes to discipline?

Works Cited:
Mead-Ferro, Muffy. Confessions of a Slacker Mom. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2004. Print.

Countdown to Mother's Day with Slacker Moms

Recently, I took my kids out for burgers, fries, and conversation. I had some things I wanted to talk about. Sometimes, family night is great for this. Sometimes, having a formal meeting at home is perfect... and sometimes, well, you just need a change of scenery. Plus, there might be less chance for bickering with their mouths full and in a public setting. It had been a long week of finals, and I needed all the "back-up" I could get at that point. Anyway... here is the gist of what I told them.

I am a Slacker Mom. I admit it. I am not Perfectly-Perfect like some of those other moms. I am sure that there are many perfectly-perfect moms that get up like an hour before her children to cook them a hot breakfast AND shower AND throw a load in the wash AND pack them each a healthy and nutritious lunch all before sending her children off to school. Not me. Why? Because I am a slacker mom. I am sure there are some perfectly-perfect moms that clean up their kids' rooms for them while they are at school, AND wash all of their kids' clothes, not to mention iron them and put them away neatly. Not me. Why? I am a slacker mom, that's why. I'm sure there are perfectly-perfect moms that cook a full-course-from-scratch dinner every night, making sure to hit all the 4 food groups. Not me... cuz I'm a slacker mom. And I am sure there are perfectly-perfect moms that give their kids allowance *if* they do pitch in and help. Not me. Cuz, once again, I am a slacker mom.

Then I said to them, "Why am I a slacker mom?"...[dramatic pause, while they looked a wee bit frightened of my just-gone-off-the-deep-end antics]... "Because I LOVE YOU!" I proclaimed. "I want you to grow up learning how to be responsible for your own belongings, how to at least prepare basic foods, like grilled cheese, toast, eggs, etc. I want you to appreciate earning your own money, and learning to earn your own privileges. I am a Slacker Mom for YOU!"

I couldn't tell if they were impressed or concerned or uninterested. I then went on with some key points of some talks I had heard recently, and explained to them what my expectations of them were. And then the onion rings came.

This whole being a "Slacker Mom" has sort of been a refreshing thing for me lately. With school, work, raising 3 kids, household duties and making a half-attempt at a social life, I can sometimes get discouraged about all the things I am NOT, and about all of the things I do NOT do and do NOT have. Then, I came across this book in the library:

Okay - Can I just say that I HIGHLY recommend this book? The Author, Muffy Mead-Ferro has taken on the world of perfectly-perfect moms and poked holes in many of their practices and theories, plus she's way cool. The book took me just under 2 hours to read, cuz it's only like 137 pages, cuz she's like too much of a slacker to write anything bigger! hahaha!

I loved the book so much, and wanted to share just a few tidbits with you today, if you'll indulge me for a few minutes more... Who knows? You just may find out that YOU'RE a Slacker Mom Too!

First of all Muffy states that she knows not all of us moms out here will agree with her parenting theologies or ideals. And to that she says, "GOOD!" She doesn't want people to follow her parenting style to a tee. That would go against everything she stands for. It is her hope that parents, moms especially will stop following the "herd" when it comes to all of the "perfect parenting" techniques out there and get back to what feels "right", your Mother's intuition, and back to simplicity. This is what I love about her.

On germs:

"We are designed not only to be exposed to germs, but to actually contract illnesses from them. It's one of the most important ways we manufacture antibodies so we can fight off more serious diseases later on. I'm not trying to sound like an authority myself, I'm actually quoting our pediatrician. That's one reason I've never gone overboard in keeping our house free of dirt. Not lazy, then. Just trying to follow our pediatrician's advice and expose Belle and Joe to their allotment of germs." (54-55)

On indulging your kids with "everything":

"If you do have the money, it's tempting to want to provide your kids with lots of their own space and lots of their own stuff...A place where they each have their own room, of course. They each have their own bathroom. They'll each need their own TV in their own room, too, so they don't have to watch anybody else's show. Keep up, now. They must have their own computer. Otherwise they can't do their homework because sharing makes it horribly inconvenient. And, if they're going to have any kind of social life, they've each got to have their own car, so they can come and go without the bother of coordinating schedules with anyone else. They can't talk to their friends, not really, if they don't each have their own phone and their own number to go along with it. And speaking of privacy, they'll each need their own credit card so they don't have to ask me to buy something for them and then have me wreck their plans by saying. 'No.'" (90-91)

On Meal Time:

"Have you ever found yourself making one thing for the adults for dinner, one thing for one kid, and another thing for another kid? Did that make you feel like you were the bestest mom in the world, or like me, did you stop and wonder if you accidentally handed out menus at the beginning of the meal?... That's not the outlook I want my kids to have, where everything is customized for them and things have to be done their way...I've finally ridded my cupboards of all those one-person items, and we've managed to create a more communal, family-oriented existence. One where my kids eat what's prepared for the family, or don't eat." (92)

Personal Note: I actually used to do this. The spouse had to have a certain staple at every meal, which I was not a fan of, and my oldest son was "picky". So, I made a meal for spouse, one for son, and then one for me. Finally, I realized that *I* was the one enabling the picky eater. So, I stopped. From then on, it was one meal. And soon, my oldest learned to eat other things, and he didn't go hungry (at least not too much - hehe) and he didn't starve and he wasn't malnourished and he lived.

So that was a little glimpse of THE Slacker Mom! Whaddya think? Are you a slacker mom too?

Stay tuned -- tomorrow we'll be discussing how to Discipline like a Slacker Mom. Totally cool!

Works Cited:

Mead-Ferro, Muffy. Confessions of a Slacker Mom. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2004. Print.