Wednesday, July 13, 2011

What I Wish

This post isn't meant to solicit comments. This is merely an expression of what I am feeling at the moment.

Sometimes crap happens. Sometimes I have odd or crazy or even sad dreams. Sometimes I can't sleep at night. Sometimes not sleeping at night has nothing to do with the former, but in the case of the latter it's just merely the fact that my brain is its own worse enemy and there are too many thoughts and wonderment having a heyday up there. haha.

I remember once when I was very little, probably around age 3. My older sister got invited to a Halloween party. She was a year older than I was. I was not invited. Maybe it was for church or something, I don't recall. But I remember this new concept of "friends". Before "friends", the only playmates I had were siblings or cousins. Which was fine, but if my older sister had friends, I wanted friends too. I remember when I didn't get to go to the party, I pouted on the sofa. My mom asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sad because I didn't have any friends. And she said something to the effect that no matter what, Jesus would always be my friend. I understood what she meant, although I still think it would have meant a lot more to me at the time if Jesus actually showed up to play on the swings with me. Anyway, while I did feel a little better (not to mention the fact that after that I started "conversing" with Jesus during my playtime) I still wanted friends. Real. Live. Friends. Friends with whom I could play.

Now here I am 30+ years later and yet I find myself in a similar [somewhat precarious] situation. Still on the sofa. Still pouting. Only this time my mom's not here, and this time it isn't over "friends". I have plenty of friends. I have the best friends in the world in fact, I swear.

What I want is to be important in someone else's life. I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me and spend time with me and who loves loving me. And I want to offer the same in return.

It seems like whenever I have a long and/or stressful week, I always start feeling like this. Mostly because there isn't that person to whom I can come home and with whom I can unwind.

I know what you're thinking, so Pu-lease don't say it.

"Hang in there," "It'll happen," "Be patient," "You don't need a man," ... yadda, yadda, yadda. I know it. I get it. I've heard it a hundred, if not thousands of times. I've even said it to myself. But it's like the Jesus-Friend thing; until I have it, nothing else will really placate me. (And trust me, it's not for lack of trying.)

If you're lucky enough to have that person in your life, hold them a little closer, hug them a little tighter, and remember all of the reasons you fell in love with them in the first place.


KiennaP said...

"Hang in there," "Be patient," etc. Yes, you guessed what I would say here. But it's like the Jesus/friend thing. Jesus was there and real, but not live and there to play with you. There is a man out there that is just right for you, who's also real, but he just hasn't found you yet. Someday he will. Nature will do it's thing, and when the time comes, he'll be there.

Alice in Wonderland said...

Have to agree with your very wise daughter on that!
Something will always turn up....and probably when you least expect it!