Monday, February 2, 2009

Skinny Self Wants Out!

I am not a fat person! Well, I am. But really, I'm not! What I mean to say is that I have never been a fat person. True - starting in 8th grade I was "blessed" with a C cup. And I did have hips. I considered myself "curvy". I wasn't a beanpole. But I wasn't fat. I could pretty much eat what I wanted. And heaven forbid I should overeat at a few slumber parties or something and gain 5 or 10 lbs, then I'd eat apples and drink slim fast for a week and lose it all.

The problem? Over the years, I had 3 babies. Was on birth control. Off birth control. On hormones. Off hormones. On more meds. Off meds. Switched meds. Surgery #1. Back on Hormones. Surgery #2. Switched Hormones. Over the course of 12 years gained an average of 6 lbs per year.

Ok - so last spring I started making "life changes" regarding my health, specifically with diet & exercise. I lost 39 lbs in about 4 months. I felt great. I was more confident than before.
Then something happened. Vacation. Camping. More of a Social Life. Then something else happened. The weather got cold. I stopped my outdoor exercise because it got cold. Then something else happened again. The holidays arrived.

So, after 4 months of progressing towards my goal, the scale started tipping back the other way.

Proof: Here is me in college, before I got married. Not Fat.

Proof: Here is me at 110 lbs a week before my wedding. Not Fat. I wanted to lose 10 lbs. So I did slim fast for a week. Ok - try to get past the floral leggings and my roommates fanny pack.

Proof: See - here is me when I was pregnant with my first. Still Not fat. Tired looking, yes. But not fat.

Proof: Fast Forward past all of the pregnancies, illnesses, surgeries, pain killers, and hormone pills and injections. I can see the fat in my cheeks. Me No Like.
So - last January I got divorced. It was a start in the right direction (an immediate loss of 150 lbs - hahaha!). I wanted to take my life back and focus on me. I started walking. Then I did running. Well - I walked up the hills or mountains and ran on the down slopes. Anyway. I felt great. I was drinking tons of water and rarely ate sugar.

Proof: here is me (well, a head shot, anyway) after losing 39 pounds. I was more than 70% towards my goal weight. I knew I still had some pounds to go. But I liked that I could see my chin and my cheekbones. And I liked that I could shop in the "regular" women's section.

Then, like I said... that one thing happened. And then that other thing. Followed by that last thing.

Proof: This is where I started gaining it back...

And Finally by Christmas, I think I had gained everything back!

Proof: Chipmunk Cheeks...

That pic "hurt". So, with the New Year, I didn't really want to start another resolution that I Wouldn't do. So, I decided to really work at it. And I lost about 5.5 lbs.

Proof: I think it came out of my cheeks first.

So - here I am, putting my BMI and my weight loss progress BACK on my Blog. I am going to stay focused. I am determined. I realize that at my age and with my past illnesses/surgeries the cards are stacked against me. And I know that I will never be that 120 lb girl like in college. However, I gotta get back to where I can shop in the "normal" section again.

Funny that when I dream at night, I am usually in my early 20's. Usually in college. I think it is because that was the last time I was thin. That is the last time I was "okay" with my body. I feel thin on the inside for the most part. I am not a sedentary person. I can bend over and tie my own shoes. I can still paint my toe nails. I don't feel "fat" until I see myself in the mirror or my reflection in the window. I feel like I'm really a skinny person, trapped in a fat lady's body.

Help, I've fattened and I wanna get out!

It's my hope that I can lose before summer hits. I wanna be my own Biggest Loser. I will definitely post an "after" pic too!

What about you? What helps you stay on track? What/Who motivates you?


greenolive said...

Whenever I see progress I feel motivation to move forward. I've had my share of "Holy Cow, am I really THAT big?". I look forward to your future progress reports and hope they will give me the kick in the pants that I need.

Cindy said...

I'm happy that you're on the path to being happy with who you are.
I fell off the wagon during the holidays, and my will power sucks.
I try to blame my hubby who doesn't help, because he brings home hostess, ice creams, cakes and alot of other junk home.
I'll try with you Emma...
I'm on hormones, and I know that is a card stacked against me along with my lousy will power...let me know if we can help each other-even if it's only for support...

debilyn said...

Whatever your weight, you've always been least you have that going for you! But it's great that you're motivated towards a goal. And with your determination and fortitude, undoubtedly you'll succeed! Body issues are such a downer...I can totally relate.

okeydokeyifine said...

I am glad that you said you thought you were fat and not that you thought you were ugly. A lot of people equate one with the other and they are 2 separate issues. You are beautiful even with the unwanted pounds.

Now for the fat issue. Good for you for trying to get into a body with which you are comfortable. Not that I want you to be a bean pole. I want you to feel healthy and strong.

So do your weight loss the smart way. Eat healthy and drink water. Exercise and set goals. I like yoga for many reasons. Lilias is my favorite. The stretching and breathing, builds stamina and helps relax.

Good Luck and we will be thinking good thoughts. Love you lots.

RhondaLue said...

Either way the scale goes you look beautiful!

I'm also rededicating myself to myself! I want to feel better. Even if it's just 10 lbs at a time I FEEL so much better in my own skin.

Oh and here's trick I do. When I'm too fat to shop in the section I want..I don't shop. I wear the same ol' fat clothes day after day till I get my butt in gear or they wear holes in them. lol

ann said...

I feel the same way!!! I want to drop a lot of pounds to! So hopfully your blog will help me!! I don't want to look in the mirror and say who is that fatty? Oh wait thats me! YUCK!!

I do have to say you can tell a difference in your checks! Mine are chubby too and wish if I lost 5 pounds they would go away like they did yours! Good luck to ya!

Holli and Billy said...

I am staying motivated now that I just found out when our 10 year reunion is. I have been a fatty my whole life, so I have come to accept that I will never be a skinny minny, but I can at least feel better about myself!

Susie said...

Me too! I am with you!! Up and down...up and down...The yo yo weight is making me dizzy!

Ruthykins said...

i want to get an elliptical machine and shove it in my living room. see, as i see it, my problem is that i can't go to a gym and i'm never gonna go out for walks because i don't like sunlight, and don't feel safe walking at night. if i had something in my living room i could just get on there whenever i want a snack!

Megs said...

I use the website spark people and I love it. Its free and its where I track calories and weight loss. It makes me feel good to see my progress like that.

You're doing great. Keep it up!

lilianril said...

I don't have any really good motivation (which is one of my problems). However, exercise is way better if disguised as fun. Hence, my purchase of thee Wii Fit and Dance Dance Revolution. You're welcome to try them out anytime.

Grand Pooba said...

That was such a cool post, I loved the before and afters! Although I do love your adorable dimples in your last holiday pic! So cute! Why would you want to lose those?

Of course I think you look good in all the pics but that probably means nothing to you :) (That's how I am at least)

I've never been good at sticking to a diet but my husband has gone on and off diets as long as we've been married. He says I made him fat. Whatever.

But I wish you luck and if you do find the trick, please share!

Oh, and I love the flower leggings!

Du and MJ said...

You are beautiful no matter what. The thing about you is that you are beautiful inside and out. I love your personality and friendliness.

I agree with Winnie the Pooh, "when I up, down, touch the ground puts me in the mood. Up, down, touch the ground, in the mood (giggle) for food."

This is a hard topic because it means so many different things to different people. After 4 kids and bad eating habits when I was prego, I'm not where I want to be. I hate it when I have a complaint about myself and others shush me up because they think I should be happy to be where I am. I have issues too, just like everyone else.

I say exercise, eat healthy and lose the weight if that will make you happy, but know that people like you just the way you are right now.

Call me if you ever feel like walking in the mornings. I haven't done anything in the cold weather, but I'm going to start getting back out soon.

Dianne said...

Girl, I thought there was a skinny person tryin to get out of me. Turns out I was wrong. Went to the gym today for the first time since 2004. The skinny person is dead. i killed her. She was way too loud. I could hear her over my groans and bones protesting. Today, I am fine with fat.

Anonymous said...

Wow-good for you. I've really been feeling the same way lately (look at recent pics and see it in my cheeks). Such a funk....

Good luck, you're doing great!

The Willeyes said...

Whatever you happy about it. You are an amazing person no matter what perceived size/shape you are! If you are happier skinnier...then do what you're doing...but you are beautiful inside and out...and that's what counts!

Anonymous said...

I"ve definitely had a "How did THAT happen?!" moment or ten on the scales recently. I often say, "Oh, I must be getting ready to start flowin'" But really it's just me eating too much and not being motivated. Once I GET motivated, I usually stay that way as long as I see progress. It's the getting motivated part that I'm having trouble with!