Saturday, August 23, 2008

Jesus Wouldn't Steal!

I am (somewhat) grateful that school is back in session. Being a SWM isn't easy. (And no that doesn't stand for Single White Male. It's Single Working Mom, thank you very much.) Especially when I have to leave 3 kids at home all day long during the summer. FunnyMan is 14, so it isn't like they are neglected babies or anything.

However, LittleDuckling complains that FunnyMan makes up too many rules, and then doesn't even follow them himself "because he is such a hypocrite!"

PrettyPrettyPrincess complains that no one will play with her; that the boys only want to play video games instead of dress-up or tea party. I tell her to dress up 4-Legged-Creature and have a tea party. She is not amused.

FunnyMan complains that no one "respects" him and it wouldn't matter if he had rules or not, cuz they don't listen anyway. Welcome to my world, I say to him.

Then there is poor 4-Legged-Creature whom they forget to feed and whom has to keep her paws crossed till the Mindless Banterer comes home and lets her out to wee.

Being a SWM does have it's perks, though. Let's see...there's the...um...and the...don't forget the...um...well, it's like...

Aw crap! Who am I kidding? There aren't any perks! I mean sure, I get to have "adult conversations" while I'm at work. But let's be honest: Desperate Housewife & I could have all the "adult conversations" we wanted if I could be a SAHM like her!

But no - I must do that thing called a J-O-B. Luckily, the three off-spring know my cell # and my work # in case there is an emergency - oh and they all know how to IM too. The problem is, to them Everything seems to be an emergency!

Emergency #1: Feed The Hungry!
FunnyMan (on IM): What's for lunch. We're starving!!!
Mindless Banterer: Like I told you this morning... Turkey Sandwiches or leftovers from last night or cereal.
FunnyMan: We don't want that. Can't we have anything else???
Mindless Banterer: Fine. Whatever you can find that is edible...
FunnyMan: So, can we have the pizza rolls in the freezer?
Mindless Banterer: Are they edible? Did you find them?
FunnyMan: um...ok....thanks.

Emergency #2: Always. Never. And Being a Jerk.
LittleDuckling: [FunnyMan] says he is having friends over on Saturday! Is that true???
Mindless Banterer: idk...we'll see.
LittleDuckling: That's not fair!!! He ALWAYS has friends over!
Mindless Banterer: i am working. i said idk...we'll see.
LittleDuckling: But I NEVER get to have friends over. And he's being a jerk.
Mindless Banterer: Tell him to stop being a jerk. I need to work now, ok? We'll talk about this later.
LittleDuckling: Fine!!! I know you don't care about me anyway! (logs off)

Emergency #3: Dying Breed
PrettyPrettyPrincess: Mom! There's an Emergency.
PrettyPrettyPrincess: Mom! Are you there??? This is serious!!!
Mindless Banterer: I am here. What's wrong?
PrettyPrettyPrincess: It's the dog. She might die!!!
Mindless Banterer: Why? What's going on???
PrettyPrettyPrincess: She was trying to get something and she got stuck underneath the sofa!!!
PrettyPrettyPrincess: Mom! Help! I'm scared! She's crying and now I'm crying! I can hardly see to type this to you - cuz I am crying so hard! mom!
Mindless Banterer (between laughs): Go get FunnyMan. Tell him to save 4-Legged-Creature.
PrettyPrettyPrincess: Ok! BRB!!!
[less than one minute passes]
PrettyPrettyPrincess: ok! She's alive! he got her out!
Mindless Banterer: That's good. I have to get back to work now, sweetie.

As if those "emergencies" during working hours aren't enough. There are days I have to play referee to bickering children via the phone. Sometimes I'd like to shove my hand through the receiver, strangle them and say, "Can't you all just get along?" Of course, I would probably lose credibility, holding their necks in a death-grip and all.

The entire office knows by now that I will not be nominated for Mother of the Year, and that if Keeping Up Appearances were a game show, I'd be eliminated in the first round. I don't really know what they think of the one-sided conversations they overhear me having with the off-spring. But I am sure they have heard the following statements at least once:

We can talk about that when I get home. Is this what you call an emergency? Be nice. Stop fighting. I don't know what's for dinner. There's nothing I can do about that now. I already told you two to knock it off. I can't understand you when you're whining. You better not be calling to tattle... How many more times are you gonna call me about this today? I can't understand one word you're saying...you have to stop crying. If you call me one more time, I swear I'm gonna... I gotta go. I'm working.

Then there was this phone conversation... "What Would Jesus Do?"

PrettyPrettyPrincess: Mom! (crying between gasps of air)
Mindless Banterer: What's wrong?
PrettyPrettyPrincess: I'm not calling to tattle! I just want to tell you that I hate it when FunnyMan is in charge.
Mindless Banterer: How is this not tattling? What is going on?
PrettyPrettyPrincess: No one is letting me use the computer - cuz they say I'm gonna just get on and IM you and tattle!
Mindless Banterer: Right. Ok. So...you're not tattling. What seems to be the problem?
PrettyPrettyPrincess: Well, see...someone took my quarters that I left on the kitchen counter. I think it was [FunnyMan] but he says he didn't. But then he went to The Apple (convenient store) and bought some candy!
Mindless Banterer: Uh-huh. Well, maybe it was his own money,
PrettyPrettyPrincess: Mom! You're not listening! I know it was him who took my money! Aren't you gonna do something???
Mindless Banterer: What would you like me to do?
PrettyPrettyPrincess: Talk to him! Ground him! Something - Punish him at least!
Mindless Banterer: Well, right now it would just be his word against yours. So, just calm down and we will sort this out when I get home. Ok, sweetie? (trying to mask my unforbearing attitude.)
PrettyPrettyPrincess:No! Not Ok!
Mindless Banterer: Well, I don't know what else to tell you.
PrettyPrettyPrincess: There must be something that can be done right now!
Mindless Banterer (at my wit's end): Well, ask yourself "What Would Jesus Do?" And whatever answer you come up with...go and do that thing.
PrettyPrettyPrincess (unimpressed): Yeah! Well Jesus Wouldn't have stolen his sister's quarters! [slams down phone]

"With Christ in my Vessel I can Smile at the Storm" - right? So, in order to keep my own sanity, I ask myself the question, "What would Jesus Do?"

I don't think he'd beat them within an inch of their lives...and yet - this is the answer that immediately pops into my head as I am sitting here writing this - laughing.

I would never do anything like that. By the time I get home, I am too tired to hand out punishments anyway.

Perhaps I should just post this on my fridge, serving as a warning to the off-spring...

The Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe
There was an old woman,
Who lived in a shoe;
She had so many children,
She didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth,
Without any bread;
She whipped them all soundly,
And sent them to bed.

I don't know about that - but I do know I could definitely go for a massage!!!

8 comments:

Mrs. S said...

Hey, found you through SITS. Sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job! And very nice with the WWJD; that could cute lot of things! haha

Megan said...

Emma, your blog should be published. You are absolutely hilarious. At least you can tell your kids things. I can talk all I want to to Maggie and its not sinking in AT ALL. But I guess at least that way she's not calling me all day "not to tattle." You're a great mom.

Ruthykins said...

i love how she's not tattling and they wouldn't let her on the computer, but they weren't monitoring the phone. that's awesome.

greenolive said...

So at what age do kids stop fighting and start listening to their moms? I was telling myself around age eight, but it sounds like that's not quite accurate.
Just give me a ball-park figure.

Cole and Julie said...

Emma,
I'm sensing some some built up "frustration." Tell Big-D he isn't allowed to leave town w/o you again! :)

Blog Stalker said...

Oh my heck! I have been going backwards reading your newer posts and moving backwards. SPOT-ON funny! What parent cannot relate I do not want to be friends with. Great post.....that seems to be overused here. I will have to try and come up with a better phrase, or you will have to write a not so great post.

Great job typing words that together make me laugh and cry at the same time.(how was that? lol)

Reluctant Housewife said...

Funny stuff!

KiennaP said...

Ok, FIRST OF ALL... I DON'T.. i repeat... DON'T play TEA PARTY! Don't you know? I stopped playing tea party when i was in the first grade! This happened in the 3rd grade! Now, i'm in the 4th grade! and i don't play dress up, either!

Ok, SECOND OF ALL... I DID NOT.. I repeat... DID NOT cry about the dog under the sofa! Infact, i didn't say the word sofa! I said couch! ugh......